Seraphim

We did try to adopt about 10 years ago but my husband stopped the process a week before we got our new child. He said he was "not ready" and felt pushed. We almost got divorced over it. I am not willing to do that again, at least not with him. He is far too fickle about making up one's mind about things of importance. All other scientific.......IVF and all that are not allowed by my religion.

I miss you so much. I wish you had not died. I do not know why I can never seem to let go of the idea of a baby but I can't let it go. Not that I am trying for one, but, the idea is always there. I want the opportunity of the idea and one day when it is ideal to go ahead, but that is almost a ZERO chance. I guess I have to just have God take this over because there is nothing I can do with it. I am happy when people get pregnant, I truly am, honestly and truly, but it makes me jealous and sad too. Is that wrong?

It is not so much I am worried he won't have friends. I am worried about his level of autism and his learning disabilities and if he will be able to hold employment and look after himself after I am gone. He will have no family to help look after him other than his cousins. I do not think his friends would be willing to care for him should he not be able to. He may need someone in that capacity and he may not. I have no idea as of yet. Thank you all.

I wonder what you will be like when we meet in heaven. You will have seen me for so long but I will have not known you, other than what I feel of your soul now and again. I wonder what you would have looked like as you aged, what you would have been good at, how your life would have played out. I imagine you and your brother would have been great friends. He would have loved you to pieces as he loves little kids. It would have been more difficult though as you would have been 10 years apart in age. At least you would have had each other when I am gone. Now your big brother will have no one when I am gone which is truly sad. No one but his cousins who are all girls. While he feels very close to them he will not have too too much in common with them like he would with a brother. He may need help when he is grown up and I sometimes worry about his future alone.

Hey mama.........I am glad something works for you!! I have found that magnesium works for me better than anything else. It also helps with general inflammation in my body too. Happy New Years Mama!

Hello my little boy, I can not believe another year is coming. I was going to bring your pic home for Christmas but I forgot.I had so much to bring with me. We did not go see you at the cemetery either there was just so many people to see. One day though when mommy comes home on her own I will come and see you. You were in my mind and heart though all Christmas Day and I prayed for you on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day along with the many others I pray for. I just want you to know I will always think of you and hold you in my heart.

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April 28 OMG I think I am gonna DIE........this migraine and nausea is SO bad

I often wonder if you would have had eyes like your dad, that deep deep blue or like mine and your brother's, a brilliant green. You definitely looked a lot like your brother in a familial way, and yet you looked like yourself. I could tell you had your father's nose not mine. Your father's size of eyes. A big head like your brother and very very long limbs. Your hands were like mine. It would be SO neat to see how you would have turned out. Who you would have been like. How you and your much older big brother would have interacted. My wonderful boy about 4 weeks before his death

Wow, I can not believe you have been gone for almost 3 years now. That seems an impossible amount of time. I come to think of you because I know we will be leaving you behind when we move. That does not grieve me like it once did. I know you are not really in your burial place but in my heart and in heaven. I have let go of a lot of grief, but there will always be some while I can not see or hold you. I will have to wait for my life to be over to do that. Your big brother still talks about you and asks what you would be doing in life now had you been with us. I think his heart is better off knowing you did exist, even if you are not with us. He is not angry anymore and he speaks of you with love in his eyes and joy in his heart. You both would have been fabulous together. Dad misses you too but he walls it inside, he said your death was the single worse day of his life. We are all moving on though and we still think of you daily and less and less with sorrow. kisses little one, Love Mommy

April 26 Another migraine today.....maybe it was the air freshners I bought? Maybe I will turn them off tonight before bed and see tomorrow if it is better.

April 23 Had a bad migraine last night. It was super bad, but I used the golf ball to massage my should blade and it went for half hour and came back. I was so utterly exhausted I could not even keep my eyes open. So I went to bed early and I am fine this morning thank goodness. Residual pain though in the tissues of my scalp and neck.

April 14 Oh Poooo, getting a migraine.........YUCK..........feel my stomach turning and the usual loss of feeling in my face.....the worst is the flip flopping tummy.

April5 Getting a migrane....maybe over sleeping, too much emotion and too much whatever.

March 31 migraine a lot of the day yesterday, I think from lack of sleep the night before. gone today but still a sore neck

Had a slight start to a migraine yesterday, but concentrated on it going away and it did. I can not believe this good fortunate run of almost headache free times.

WOW I have not had a migraine in almost 2 weeks. Maybe it is due to the increased sunshine. I know my psyche is definitely better for it.

Wow this is GREAT an entire week without a migraine..........you have NO idea how happy I am about that.

Another migraine starting........the dizziness is unbearbale

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Another migraine..omg so bad but I have to finish work. Pains in my shoulder, into my neck and numb face, ring of pain around my eye. Hearing and smell and light sensitive and stomach rolling.

GOOD GRIEF.. another impending migraine. I can feel it along my jaw and up the back of my neck. It must be the snow storm. I swear I can not take another one after last week. I feel like sticking my head in a blender. It is a god forsaken plague.

Phew..........I think that 3 day migraine is lifting.......I tried almost everything. I used ice and heat and medications and gravol. Sleep. OMG I slept for almost 3 straight days. I am exhausted still and worn out. The pain was so unbelieveable.

Feb 17........horrendous migraine today, spent almost the entire day in bed sleeping or throwing up. Oiy

Another migraine on the way. I can feel it in the back of my neck and working up the left hand side,behind my ear and into my cheek. The left side of my face becoming numb.