almost exaclty a year ago, i ended my first long term relationship. i was together with another man for five years. we were in love, best friends and i was sure we were destined to be life partners. the last couple of years together, we fell into a sexual rut...which seemed normal to me. but after revealing to me that he was leaving me for a mutual friend of ours with who he'd been having an affair for a month...he then later revealed that he had cheated on me countless times over the course of our relationship while i had been completely faithfull.
during those last couple of months years (not knowing, but sensing something was wrong) i became jealous and insecure when going out together. i began to feel unattractive (i had always been comfortable with my looks) and competitive with him. but after getting our own places, i started to get in touch with myself again. he continued to call me while seeing his new lover and i remained cold and distant, making it clear that we could not be friends as long as he was with this other person.
3 months ago, he was dumped by the person he left me for and was crying on my shoulder...a real mess. he claimed he wanted to move to San Francisco, i was having a tough time making rent alone...so the horrible decision was made for him to move into my spare bedroom for a few months allowing him to save money, pull himself together and for us to salvage what we could of our friendship. he genuinely seemed to need me.
a week after moving in, he pulled a 180, he became cold and aloof. he started going on sex sites and having "hook-ups", he took a trip to San Fran and met a wealthy, attractive "friend" there, then only three weeks after moving in with me, he has met an extremely handsome guy and has been staying with him every night.
i've had a total relapse. it's been like getting broken up with all over again. crying, dry-heaving, waking up at 3am and not getting back to sleep. feeling insecure, unattractive, jealous, envious, abandoned. going crazy when he doesn't come home at night...when we aren't even dating anymore. feeling like "how can he be happy? how can he just go out and be so self-serving after everything he's put me through and is well aware of how it's affecting me?"
last week i asked him to move out, he's currently looking for options. in the meantime, i obssess about him. enraged, bitter, hurt. he still wants to be friends, but knows that i'm in pain and can no longer communicate with him on the slightest of intimate levels. i fall into traps of feeling inferior to him..."he's so good looking, he can have anyone, do anything, he'll always land on his feet...what's to become of me?" (i'd never felt these weak, vulnerable feelings about myself before). we rarely see or talk to each other now...except for when i happen to be home and he comes home to shower and change clothes.
how do i stop obssessing? how do i stop losing sleep, staying up and hating him? how do i let go of all these feelings that seem to keep me tied to him? it's like my brain builds him up to be this greater loss than he really is. i feel buried by all of it. i just want to feel good again. free again. the only good thing to come out of all of this, oddly enough, is i managed to quit smoking.
i don't even know if there's a quick solution to this, maybe there's been so much damage, i'm in need of therapy. but for now, it feels good just to type it out.
