Radiant41

1 minute ago, Radiant41 said:

Monday.  First day of the week.  I'm setting that boundary!

First day of the work week anyway

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

And this ladies and gentleman, is a prime example of why every excuse is just a “No”.

That being said, I do think lot of people dont set up boundaries too well. For example you took excuse not to go out with the guy and thought he took notice of that. While, you later accepted his gifts, allowed him to do favors to you and even bought him a gift. That doesnt exactly screams “No I wouldnt date you”. It just prolongs his hopes. Which you know they are there because you know that he likes you.

Set firmer boundaries. That means no fraternizing outside of strictly work communication if it was necessery, and certanly not gift accepting. 

Monday.  First day of the week.  I'm setting that boundary!

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I'm guessing he believes that when you resolve your complex problems, he'll get to come out of waiting in the wings and get that date with you.

I've tried the nice way as well, of easing out of that awkward ask from a co-worker. In the end, after more unwanted attention and trying to be nice but reiterating what I'd previously said, I had to get mean to finally stop his behavior.

I think it will be kinder in the long run to totally stop that extra talk that doesn't involve work. You can be abrupt and say, well, good luck on that. I have to get back to work.

Because this is turning into a one-sided emotional affair. Many sitcoms have addressed the work husband/work wife dilemma. Nip this in the bud for the good of you both. He will be too busy bonding with you to seek an available, single woman. And when you get a bf, if he visits your work place, or knows about what goes on at your work place as many partners will learn, this will create problems. I know I wouldn't want a woman at my husband's work crushing on him.

Read some articles about emotional affairs at work and how to put up boundaries. Good luck.

I'm bad at dating and this is definitely one of my issues.  I struggle to be blunt when the time calls for it.  But I see what you're saying about me creating a bigger issue.  I've kept it work only 'til now but he keeps pushing me for a game night.  I've told him I'm to busy hoping he'd get the idea... but he isn't getting it.  I gotta be mature with this and just address it.  Bleh.  I hate being blunt.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don't know about 'leading,' but it could be possible from his POV, and this ^^answer is a good way to address it IF he brings up the gift again. I wouldn't initiate a convo about it otherwise.

I see nothing wrong with being generous with your knowledge of his role AND having fun while doing so. However, in order to keep good boundaries with someone who has already asked for dating--even to the degree of getting pushy--I'd avoid getting personal, I'd avoid spending private time with him outside the office. If his questions start becoming conveniently habitual in order to see more of you, I'd ask him to keep a log of them to discuss once or twice a week, or send an email if he needs faster advice.

Also, before answering, I'd start challenging him to tell you how HE believes a situation should be addressed. Then you can confirm or correct. He needs to become self sufficient.

Challenging him to answer his own question is great!  It's training him anyway that way and creating that distance.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You led him to believe you have personal feelings for him.  Change it by being honest.  "I wanted to clear the air. I gave you the gift because I was reciprocating your thoughtful gift and I enjoy our working relationship.  I look forward to working with you in the future too."

Thanks for the wording.  I would have struggled with that.

A new guy came to work.  We work very closely together.  We work very well together.  We soon became friends but strictly joking around mainly about work.  Then he really surprised me by asking me out.  I was very shocked.  I thanked him for the compliment (when I should have gracefully declined) and asked time to think about it.  I finally told him that due to close work proximity and because of something very complicated and difficult I am working through that is using up all of my energy I can't.

This isn't true.  If I was attracted to him I would have gone out with him.  (not an issue with our company) But I didn't want to say that to him so I copped out.  He got a little pushy but I kept saying no and he dropped it.  We still have to work closely together.  He assures me nothing has changed.

He took over my former position.  My former position is VERY intense.  There is no outlet in that position, no one to consult or get help from.  It is a lot to deal with.  It bleeds into nights and weekends.  So he reaches out to me on his lunch break, to vent, consult, go over things.  This turns into joking and talking about shared interests.  I try to keep it strictly work but it feels cold, abrupt and unkind.

Then I think I made a mistake.  He bought me a couple gifts in the past (Christmas, just because once).  I specifically made sure not to reciprocate.  But he did me a huge favor (HUGE) at work and I felt I needed to return the favor so I bought him a meaningful gift as a thank you.  He has gone on a bit about the gift and how much it means to him coming from me and how special it is etc... He's commented multiple times on the fact that I gave him a gift.

Am I "leading" him on? I don't want his feelings towards me to grow.  If leading him on, I don't see a way to change things. 

On 1/13/2023 at 2:24 PM, Betterwithout said:

It's funny, we all talk "compatibility" and rightly so.. since it's a key component to someone we spend lots of time around.

I can share a personal story on the subject.
Years back, after being married for 2 years, my wife and I had a chance to go to Paris.
One thing we agreed on is to check out The Louvre to see priceless works of art.
So we got our tickets and started looking around.  I like art museums and the Louvre is world class.
She wanted to see The Mona Lisa. (along with the other million visitors)
So, we scurried quickly past the breathtaking works of art to get to see it in person.  
We took our obligatory selfies, amongst the many others from all corners of the world.
After about an hour after entering the museum, her next wish was to leave.
"I said, but this is only one wing of the building, there is so much more to see".
Her response was "it smells weird in here, can we just go?".   I was put off, but didn't want to ruin things, realizing it wasn't her thing.  I didn't know art and culture weren't important to her since we were relatively newly married.

Wanna know what we did after leaving the Louvre?

She wanted to buy shoes.   (She loves shopping)
We spent about 3 hours shopping for shoes and other things.
Of course, I was trying to rationalize why it was ok that I stood on the sidelines shopping with her for 3 hours, doing "her thing", while we only spend one hour doing my thing.  She can shop at a million shops at home, how about the Louvre which isn't on our doorstep at home, or even spending the time outdoors in the wonderful romantic city of Paris?
I really started to wonder about compatibility.
A few arguments happened months later at home about differences of opinion, etc.
About a year after Paris, I was really questioning the marriage and if I married the wrong person.

Our intimacy levels never really lined up since I first met her, so I was ready to throw in the towel.

I went alone to a therapist and told the above story.  She didn't have any advice for me.

It was a really tough struggle since I don't think we are compatible on some levels, but on others, we are.  THAT is what I focus on.  We have been married for 9 years now
......and we're not planning on any museum trips together anytime soon!  🙂

Hopefully you are compatible in other ways with this guy.  Maybe he is awesome in the sack!


 

Lol, I appreciate your humor.  And very much appreciate your experience and advice.  It helps me to see, that yes, initially we can question, and do question it at times, but when there is enough in common you focus on that.  

On 1/9/2023 at 6:51 PM, Jibralta said:

You used to be able to do it using the @ sign, but it looks like that feature may have been disabled.

The @ sign worked!  Thank you! 

@Sindy_0311    @Cherylyn  @Nebraskagirl14  @Jibralta  @Geroge Bensen  @Batya33  @Wiseman2  @jul-els  @OliviaJJJ  @Jaunty

I hope I didn't miss anyone in this message.  This is another thank you.  The different perspectives were so incredibly helpful.  I was able to look at the last few conversations from both angles.  I will be letting him know tonight it is not something we should move forward with.

I hope nobody minds, but you have all been so incredible, when a next dating question comes up, I'd like to tag all of you!  You've been the "awesomest"  And once more I thank you for taking the time to reply to me.  

No.  I cannot.

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I had the same issue with my ex, it ended because I totally lost interest for him, and therefore respect. Can you imagine yourself on a road trip for 10 hours with him just talking? If not, not your person… move on. 

No, I could not.  And he is very capable to do that, the 10 hour talk.  I tried to lighten it up last night with jokes, with interruptions to ask to move the conversation along.  I was more aggressive, and he got irritated with me. I feel pretty confident I know what to do.

20 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

I stayed with a woman for 10 months who was absolutely fascinated by things I found either utterly boring OR things I found interesting but I was not obsessed with. Like, they would go on hikes for hours to look at mushrooms 😴. I love nature! But I was not fascinated by mushrooms, I did not want to camp in the rain, backpack or stare at rotting dead animals for hours. So, I dated a woman for 10 months and for 10 months, I knew we were incompatible. Frankly, the nail in the coffin was that my dogs were the loves of my life and she would come in my house and ignore my 17 year old dog when I spent a lot of energy trying to befriend her ***y cat. Do yourself a favor and really think if this is who you want to be with for years to come. He is probably lovely. My girlfriend was also lovely. Super nice. But a complete mismatch for me. Just saying. Then I moved on to date someone with whom I have amazing chemistry and great conversations, but she is utterly self-centered. Dating is a battlefield. 

Thanks for this.  Giving life examples really helps.  Appreciate it.

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He sounds boring.  He's not boring to himself but he's boring to you and I would feel the same way you do.  He could change if you tell him exactly what you wrote in your post.  Since he admits that it's his fault, ask him to continue to alter his topics so he's not circling back to his typical subject matters. 

Also, instead of him navigating the conversation to his favor the majority of time, tell him that both of you can discuss something else at random to mix up the conversation.  If you have common interests to share,  discuss those topics. 

Wait to meet him in person.  Then tell him that you prefer have a mutual, flowing conversation regarding various subjects instead of what he prefers to talk about the majority of time.  If he can't seem to understand or cooperate, then both of you are incompatible and he's not for you.   If he refuses to adapt or compromise, then again, he's not for you. 

My husband isn't excessively talkative but we do have discussions regarding anything such as world events, politics and normal everyday stuff.  However, I'd refrain from discussing controversial subjects such as politics especially if you have differing, argumentative views.  My husband and sons are witty  so I appreciate their type of lightness and intelligent sense of humor infused every now and then.  They've influenced me so I can be humorous, too on occasion. 

I once went on a date with a chatterbox and boy, was he ever so boring !  He talked too much and never came up for air!  I could never get a word in edgewise.  🙄 

You have to find a happy medium somewhere with a guy otherwise it won't work.  Meet him first and see where it takes you.  You'll discover whether or not he's for you.  Time and patience will tell.

 

THANK YOU!

Wait.  Now a follow up question.  Can one of you tell me how to tag all in a final message or something like that?  I thought spelling it out would do that and it didn't.

Thank you

Batya33  jul-els  Wiseman2  oliviajjj  jaunty  jibraltar

A big thanks to all for taking the time to reply!  Everyone gave me some really great points.  First time on a dating forum and will definitely recommend this forum to my friends.  I definitely have enough good information here to have a good idea of how to move forward during his visit (he already booked his flights).

I will mark this message as a solution, (I think that closes it out) because I got what I need!

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think being a good communicator in a relationship -any kind -doesn't require conversation skills as much as it requires being a person who honestly is curious about other people, the person they are speaking to and is not constantly rehearsing what to say next and asks good follow up questions.  Repeating stories -I cut a lot of slack for that under certain circumstances -people make mistakes and if the person is truly interested in the back and forth I mean it happens (including to me). 

Secondarily -sure conversation "skills" are important especially with new people but I think good conversations come naturally and the back and forth with people who care (unless there is a disorder or condition like autism where in certain cases the person lacks the ability to do the back and forth in a natural way -so I've heard anecdotally from friends who have kids on the spectrum)  As my older sister says "look I know all about me -so why would I want to talk about me??" 

I think there are two issues here -first is that this is who he is (and he might be on the spectrum but I don't know that that matters in the end if you're not comfortable).  But the reason it's such a problem is the long distance part -zoom is not the same as in person.  Especially in a romantic relationship.  I was long distance with my husband for a few years of our pre-marriage (and even for a short time after!) but we already had dated in the past seriously and knew each other very well and saw each other every two weeks. 

We spoke by phone daily for 20-30 minutes usually at night.  During the day we emailed a bit (I did not yet have a cell phone - it was 2009 before I got one!) - but our conversations at night were great-we shared what we'd done that day, we typically joked around some, maybe we planned our next meet up.

 I don't remember ever being bored or ever being over the top excited -it was just -comfortable, nice.  It also was good that we weren't constantly in touch during the day -we saved up our "stories" for each other. I'm more chatty than he is but I am very aware -and have become even more so over the years-of not monopolizing.

My husband is quieter/more introverted but also asks good questions and is genuinely curious and has interesting perspectives on things including sandwiches.  

My example above is that you find someone you feel at home with - who has a way of speaking and sharing that feels like home, feels comfortable, fun, lighthearted and if serious -you feel listened to -whether serious or lighthearted.  You feel like you matter. If the person repeats himself he very often will apologize especially if it's pointed out to him.  I think this guy just wants a captive audience and if this is happening so early on I'd cut my losses.

Thanks for replying!  I want this to work out with him, because there is so much listed above in what you said.  But I wanted to be realistic.  He is already flying down in February, so I'll discuss with him and see if there is a chance of moving forward.

@OliviaJJJ  Hi, thanks so much for replying! 

I do engage for a while on topics we share an interest in and on the ones we don't.  On the sandwich I engaged for a good 10 minutes the day before.  On the Podcast, we talked about it a few days previous for about an hour and I engaged then.  (My friends all agree I am a good listener and engage with others pretty well.)  But when it is a repeat or a new topic that after an hour feels heavy (philosophy or even theology!) it gets too much for me.  

He does ask questions about me.  He does listen and respond.  But then he usually grabs that topic too and runs with it. 

I was just hoping this was something he could work on with me?  But based on the advice posts above, it sounds like I would be asking him to change?  Hence the incompatibility.  When he comes here, the first couple days I want to see how it goes in person.  And then maybe see if I can chat with him about it, if it feels "worth it"?  

Met a guy. He lives in another state. After meeting in person we've been talking long distance for 1.5 months. We have some compatibility, attraction, some shared interests, really good guy, not a push over. We are meeting up soon. And he told me he likes me a lot.

BUT: After a fun, interesting 1/2 hour of conversation, he will find a way to launch into something with the most mind numbing details.  A sandwich, a podcast I told him I already listened to, power lifting, macronutrients.  I reply: "Yes, you told me. Yes, I remember, Yes I listened or read about that too etc..." The next 1 to 2 hours is like this with other topics he launches into.  There are a few breaks when I'm able to move the conversation to something else.  But he finds a way to launch back into it.

I stop asking him questions for fear he'd be off again on it. I schedule my day so we need to end the zoom in one hour. He told me early on that he knows this is a fault. Sometimes he says sorry. But he does it the next time, despite my suggestions to change it up.

I know I can't "change" who he is. He cannot change that I need more lightness in my conversations after an hour of heavy conversation. Is there a point in time, if we keep going, I can get comfortable enough to tell him more bluntly that just this one characteristic I can't handle? To ask him to help me out in our conversations?