MsAin1st

M and I are definitely not at the point where we are even close to discussing this. I hope things will keep going good like they’ve been and maybe we will work out long term, but it’s so early to tell. We have had the “you want kids one day?” conversation and that was about it. We are only 2 months into a relationship so anything more than that seems like it would be premature. Whatever schooling and working I do at this point is really for myself. I do want to have some financial independence and the ability to help provide for my future family like you did. I already have a degree and I could easily recertify if my license lapsed. In all of this, I guess I realize how dependent I was on my fiancé for planning our future and deciding our next steps and what our life together would be. Of course I had input into it, but when I look back on it, I think I agreed to some of the goals “we” set which were more of what he wanted than me. I find it a little freeing honestly. But also, being an adult is hard!

You are so wise and thoughtful in your responses! TY!

I would be a mama to a bunch of babies. I’d stay home and raise them. … practical thought, huh? if I have to work I’d see myself keeping on teaching. I genuinely enjoy my chosen career & my little monsters.

Already have that retirement stuff set up! F was super good at that kind of thing and went over it all when I was hired.

Thanks for this! Made an appointment for an advising session.

Absolutely. I know they do! Sometimes I feel like they’re a little too invested in me and my future but that’s another story for another day. 😛

This is one of the reasons I like coming here. Voices of reason from people who don’t know me. As well balanced as I would like my life to seem, it probably isn’t. I work and go to school. I see boyfriend a few times a week and hang out with my friends on Monday night. Family dinner every single Sunday. Apartments around my area suck big time. There’s just nothing really available right now. I’m living in a unattached mother in law suite and am paying rent. So it sorta is my own place.

This is my biggest hesitation in not continuing on. I know that if I stop I won’t go back. But I don’t know if what I want for myself is what I wanted when I set that goal. I am in the US, so I think we have the same educational system. Yes, it’s hard work. I have materials to read, presentations to prepare for, etc and I have an internship soon too. I have combo online/in person classes which requires a small commute to campus 3x per month during the week and 1x per month on a Saturday. Doctorate program would be all of that plus a thesis at the end.

I am not! I found a super sweet deal on guest house/apartment from a family friend. Even though I’m not living with them, I very much value their input into bigger decisions that I make. Maybe I’ve just always rolled with it. But this was something I had also planned out with my fiancé when he was alive. I guess I no longer see myself on the path we had set up for ourselves. He was very gung-ho into his career and advancing himself, so a PHD was part of his plan as well. We were supposed to get all of the schooling out of the way and then start a family. Since he’s not longer alive and thats not going to happen with him… I’m reevaluating if that’s what I want to do?

No, I am a teacher so my career field doesn’t require this. It would just be something I want to do to move from being in the classroom. I am a “pleaser” and always have been. Guess I need to learn how to drop that.

Yes, he does value higher education, and would be supportive like he is being now of me while I’m working on my Masters. He’s actually taught classes at the university level. So I know he’d not think anything negative of me continuing on. And this is my big hesitancy with taking time off. I know if I stop I’ll lose the momentum I have. And life would happen… and I’d not end up going back to get the degree.

Lately I’ve been thinking about plans and goals I’ve previously set for myself. I have always talked about pursuing a doctoral degree. So much has changed since I made that goal for myself… it was part of what my life with my fiancé who passed away was supposed to be. i feel like a completely different person than who I was, and I’m not sure if that goal still holds. It’s about the time where I need to begin the application process, and… I just can’t get it together to start. My parents are very pro higher education, as that was not something they had for themselves. I know they want better for my siblings and myself they they both had. I spoke to them about it and my mom told me I need to move forward and just buckle down and do the program. She got pretty upset that I was entertaining the thought of not continuing on in school. She said I’d be cutting myself short and I’d always be full of regret if I didn’t. On the other hand, my boyfriend told me it’s OK to change my mind about these things. I could do the program now or later or not at all. He thinks a break might be what I need to figure things out. Am stupid for considering taking time off? Is it a mistake to keep going when my heart isn’t in it right now? Am I making a big decision off what a boyfriend of a couple months says, rather than people who’ve known me my whole life? I do feel burnt out from school. I’ve been taking college courses since age 16 (duel enrollment in high school). I am burnt out from work as well. Teaching during a pandemic is not easy. Maybe a break is what I need. I just feel tons of pressure around me from all of these things and it’s so hard. I guess there’s really no question here. Just need a place to rant. Why does this kinda thing need to be so hard to figure out?

This would be enough for me to stop sending my kiddos over there. Please put the kids well-being (mental/emotional/physical) first! Dad needs help. It’s very unfair to pin happiness on your children.

Lower back pain and bad leg cramps with mine! 😑😑

Having some person I’ve never met reach out to me on Instagram for a date seems a little creepy. I wouldn’t like that.

I find this no different than talking about who your celebrity hall pass is. It’s all in fun and it’s extremely unlikely that it will ever happen.

He is only 63. They are hoping to start some kind of rehab stuff in the new year to help his cognitive functions.

Thanks for the kind advice, Seraphim. Now that I understand what’s happening with him, I have a different mindset about what happened between us & realize he didn’t mean the awful things he said to me. And I can forgive him completely. this is hard to deal with, but I know there’s no other choice. I worry for my mom who will now be taking on the role of his caregiver. Also, I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. I’ll have my class keep your family as a special intention tomorrow. 💙

Apparently they’ve suspected it awhile and it’s been a process to actually get a correct diagnosis. Life sucks a lot of the time. 😞

Just an update… because I’m thinking writing about it will help. parents called a family meeting on Sunday. They gave us the news that dad has been diagnosed with early onset dementia. After everyone had left they asked me to hang back. Dad apologized for his “outrageous” behaviors, saying it was due to his new diagnosis and side effects from medicines. ☹️☹️☹️

I have no idea why he’s being like this. It’s so uncharacteristic of my dad, really. M treats me very well & is a gentleman. He is a nurse & my dad was making stereotypical jokes about that. M asked him to please stop after awhile and my dad got super snappy to him. He said “I think it is best is WE leave” and that made my dad get angry that he was taking me from a family function. I told my dad I wasn’t intending to stay there with him acting like that and then he turned it around and tried to pin the aggressive behavior on M. I really don’t know what is going on with my dad. I think he needs mental help. Clearly anger management. Maybe it’s some kind of almost retired-life crisis?

Just an update: I temporarily moved in with my brother & his wife while I search for my own place. M came to my parents house Thursday evening after he got off work and my dad was horrible, so so horrible to him. 😔 Was sort of glad my siblings were there to witness it.

I’m still doing grief counseling. They told me that I will have bad days mixed among the good, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to move forward. You’re right, they have each other. My siblings all have partners. I want one too. Matty is smart and kind and caring. He has a career & a decent job and a house. He’s patient with me and willing to give me space if I need it. I don’t see why my parents can’t see that. Maybe he’s not a forever partner. I know I’m not ready for that yet or even wanting to think or talk of that. But I can and am still worthy of having a person to have fun with and like, maybe eventually love. I feel happy again a lot. I think that’s important too! I didn’t date much in high school and was away for college, so I guess they knew very little about my dating life. I don’t know? I only had a couple of fleeting boyfriends in college and then F and I got serious fairly fast. I never had discussions with them about what Frank and I did/didn’t do, so I don’t know why they’d think it appropriate to do now? Traditional Catholic family that still believes in upholding those values. Which to a point I do too— but again, not something I want to discuss with my dad.

So… the major concern from both parents is that they’re afraid I am going to get pregnant. My dad thinks that I am moving forward too quickly and that I’ve just grabbed the first person to pay any attention to me. While M is the first guy after F, I really don’t think I’ve rushed into a relationship. We met over the summer, started talking a lot in September and just had our first kiss on Halloween. I told them it was presumptuous to think I’ve already slept with him and that makes me feel kind of terrible they assumed that. 😞 Also, that piece of my life is not something that I really wanted to discuss with my dad, not really with my mom either… but I would if she felt it necessary. I reminded them that can actually lose my job for a pregnancy outside of marriage as that breaches a morality clause of my teaching contract…. and I am really not looking for that to happen. They agreed to “loosen their reigns” as long as I continued to be respectful of their ground rules, which I’ve never not been. I asked them to please be honest if at anytime they feel me being there is too much. And that my plan is to be out again on my own around summertime but would move up my timeline if they felt it necessary. I’m not particularly sure this is going to work out the way it has been planned, but I guess I’ll roll with it and see how it goes.

I do always try to give a heads up on if/when I have plans or if I something comes up and I won’t be home for dinner so they’re not waiting on me. I guess maybe because it’s weeknights I go and do things that it could be more disruptive? Most of the time I’m home by 1130/12. M works weekend nights, so we primarily see each other during the week.