Twisted Fate

On 2/19/2021 at 6:57 PM, catfeeder said:

Giving 'anything' means giving UP using the stuff that she can't change at this moment as a weapon.

Bravo. Good point

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's not about what 'we' say, it's up to you.

Thank you @catfeeder, I know its ultimately up to me but sometimes its good to get an outside perspective and insight as it can help reevaluate our own thought processes and perhaps help change a mindset.

16 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

That means deciding day after day after day to commit to each other and dedicate a big part of your life to the marriage and your life together. 

@Rose Mosse Thank you, this is so true. I'll try to practice this daily.

On 2/15/2021 at 4:44 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, well you know how to fix it. Watch your own kids when you have custody rather than dumping them on her to babysit while you hide in video games.

This is not about tattoos. It's about a blended family and shirking your responsibility to your own kids as thier father.

Thank you @Wiseman2. Heavily agree that that was a huge issue and one that I've rectified but I don't believe its the only issue. 

On 2/15/2021 at 5:50 AM, Spawn said:

That tattoo is really bothering you and she has some issues to sort. Have you tried relationship counselling?

Thank you @Spawn We are looking into relationship counselling. We have only been talking for a week but both of us are willing to go to a counselor. Will be looking into something very soon. 

On 2/14/2021 at 7:43 PM, Hollyj said:

Do any of you date people who are single, or only pursue those who are married.  One thing you can count on, much more cheating.  This is a mess!

@Hollyj Yes we do date single people and I agree its a mess.

On 2/14/2021 at 7:24 PM, catfeeder said:

Consider which is more important to you: the tattoo, or an opportunity to try again with your wife.

Thank you @catfeeder. I know. If it wasn't so visible, I would probably have an easier time. And, of course, its not just about the tattoo but all the things that are associated with it.

On 2/13/2021 at 6:02 PM, AutumnBorn said:

You know one thing that keeps people from being happy is the decision to not be happy. Just decide that the BS of what happened while you were apart doesn't matter. It's not a topic that needs to be discussed and dissected. In the words of Frozen, "let it go".

Thank you @AutumnBornThis really hit me as something necessary for forward movement. We've talked and have agreed to a "fresh start" although we are of course still going to seek some counseling as I feel the past may come up for both of us. 

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whose children are they? Yours or hers?

@Wiseman2Both of ours. I have a son from a previous marriage and she has 2 children from a previous marriage. We get those children every other week.

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your household sounds chaotic. Who's stuck watching your kids if you're playing video games?

She was and I think this was a major area of contention that at the time I didnt fully recognize. She felt like she needed more help and attention on her and although I thought I was giving her that (we would have together time every night) I don't think it was enough or sufficient for her needs.

19 hours ago, Lambert said:

t escalated to her leaving, monkey branching to an ex and getting tattooed.

@LambertSo, we spoke more on this today. She swears that nothing was happening between her and this ex. That he came down with his wife and she was there when the tattoo was placed. 

I started seeing my first wife after I thought she was with someone and then my current wife saw a pic of her on my bed posted on facebook and she said that that is when she started going on dates and that she has slept with people but it wasn't until after she learned I was with someone. 

I think, for me at least, that I felt forced into a marriage that I didn't know if I wanted. I do feel like I didn't help enough and put in the support needed to keep the marriage going. I had alot of trouble with my first marriage and I think I brought some of those scars with me. I feel a problem was that I wasnt able to communicate with my current wife without things going sideways. She can be sensitive about things and get overtly emotional and take things I say to a different meaning than I was trying to express.

@Lambert I can think of many times i was happy. We have a blended family with us having 4 kids in the house one week and then just our child the other week. Most of our issues were differences in how we view things with me being more long term focused and her short term. She would get mad if she felt like she wasn’t getting the attention she deserved, which was deserved.
 

I was an only child and tend to like more alone time. I admit that o should’ve been more help around the house, doing chores, and focusing more on her and the family.

No big drama issues outside of how we started. I can’t think of any dirty secrets. Light, easy, and fun we did have but I think we also had a lot of pressure with children and work. I feel I could’ve been there more both physically and emotionally.

She would yell a lot at the kids which would push me into unhealthy coping mechanisms such as video games.

Thank you @Lambert

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

While the cheating and impulsive tattoo doesn't paint her in great light. You also have some work to do.

Yes, I fully admit that I could've been a better husband.

5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It takes two to cheat.  if you threaten divorce, the other person is going to react.  You both play major games with each other's feelings and emotions. 

Agreed. I have threatened the divorce in the past and I think this was her reaction to that. She said if i did it again, she was gone, I did it again, and she left. There is no doubt in my mind I was fully at fault for that. I knew we had trouble and had talked about getting counseling but we would be really good and I thought it wasn't as high of a priority. Obviously, i was wrong there as well.

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Do you think you could start therapy for yourself; ask her to go to couples counseling, and also start a therapy for herself?

Do you think she would do this? 

I've talked to her about getting some expert help as I thought we would need it to unpack things and be able to work things out. She seemed amenable to this. We've only been talking for a week now as possibly reconciling but she seems committed to it and has said as much. I'm going to reach out once we can talk a little more and see what we can schedule.

Thank you again for your candid advice @DancingFool  logistically, I don't see how she could've had a physical relationship with this person. The way our schedules worked, we were around each other most of the time off of work or we were at work and we worked for the same company. That being said, where there is a will I'm certain there is a way. I do think they were in communication prior to the divorce talk, although she has said otherwise she did indeed lie about things during the separation. I did not notice any signs prior to the fight and divorce talk but she was talking with him that evening and has confirmed that.

20 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

is this acceptable to you?

I think the obvious answer is no, its not acceptable to me, which is why I'm currently having a hard time. Am I 100% sure that she had a physical relationship during our marriage with someone...no I am not. Can I rule it out...no I can't. She dated during our separation but I did too, so I cant really fault her there.

My biggest issue is I was in complete misery after she left. I missed her and I missed our family. I have other children from a previous marriage and I didn't want to raise another one in a broken household. Our relationship was not great but I though it was good and 90% of the time I was in a happy place and could see it lasting. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel that I would be happy if I left but I don't know how to make it work if I stay.

20 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

So when you were helping her cheat on her then husband...that was cool? True love written in the stars? Now that you are the husband being cheated on it's suddenly a problem? Why is that? You knew what you were getting into.

Thank you @DancingFool. No I don't think it was cool which is why I included it to be upfront on how things were. We both didn't like the circumstances under which we met. I justified it at the time based on what she told me and that she was going to seek a divorce (this was before we started getting together but it wasn't long after she said this that we did). I think the biggest incident that pushed her out of that marriage was when they were strapped for cash and went to celebrate her birthday one weekend in another city. He talked her into going into a strip bar and proceeded to spend money they didn't have (repeatedly going to the ATM) getting lap dances from a stripper on her birthday. Even given this, I do think I was part and probably a big part as to why they got a divorce.

I know that the beginning started rough and we might not have ever stayed together had we not had a child. But I do think we had a good life and I do think that I had a lot of room to improve in the marriage and things I should've done better. I obviously have alot of my own issues and poor decision making that led up to this which includes a good deal of bad relationships and unhealthy relationship habits

Thank you @Rose Mosse . Sorry, I was trying not to write a book but it wasn't just one fight. We didn't fight alot but I think we both would just repress how we felt or let things go until it kinda just blew up. We would fight maybe 2-3 times a year but they would get rough. 

The fight was my fault. It somehow got out of my control and went farther than it should have. Specifically, she had gotten fired from her job and her schedule had started to get out of whack, sleeping in later and not really doing much around the house. I tried to talk to her about it but communication isn't either one of our best qualities and it went down hill. 

I believe you hit the nail on the head about her personality. She is tied to her emotions and is more impulsive based on that at times. She likes to live for now because tomorrow isn't promised. I tend to be more reserved and look at things from a broader perspective but can react more irrationally at times.

Thank you @Wiseman2 I feel I am stuck between two terrible choices. One in which we divorce and I lose my family and the person I love or we work it out and I will always wonder if its real or will stay that way

Question:  As the title says, I'm just looking to know if my marriage can even work and if so, how?

Background: I'm 44 and my wife is 33 in case that makes a difference. We met while working together and she was married at the time. She said she wanted a divorce from her then husband and we started hooking up. A few months later she was pregnant. We decided to try to work things out together and she moved in. I make a good deal more than her financially if that matters as it may have been a deciding factor on her part. We decided to get married a few years into the relationship and were married a little over a year before we had a fight and I asked for a divorce. I realized soon after I loved this woman with all my heart and really didn't want a divorce but she decided to move out and that she did in fact want a divorce. Before she left, I found out that she was talking with someone whom I later learned was an old ex-boyfriend. Its been 9 months since she left and I've always tried to reach out and try to work on things and she finally agreed a week ago to go on a date. We did and it was really good and now a week later we are saying we love each other and want to work things out. 

Issue:  There were some things that happened in the separation that are going to make it difficult for us to work it out. Namely for me, she got a tattoo on her ring finger of her ex's first name and on the side of her palm the day they first met. She says that she got it out of spite (I'm not a big tattoo person) and that she wasn't with him and he was married, although I realize this is highly unlikely. I guess for me I spent so long trying to win her back that now that I have a shot I don't know if it can even work. It's very difficult to see her without seeing the tattoo. She has made arrangements to get it removed even before we started talking. I know that it will take counseling and a lot of patience but that doesn't make it less trying. Any advice appreciated. Thank you!