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Twisted Fate

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Everything posted by Twisted Fate

  1. Sounds like it’s not as serious of a relationship to her. I don’t see the benefit to the relationship for her to date other people and if she is needing to do this then maybe it’s best to do it while not together.
  2. I would think it hypocritical if I didn’t want her and she dated and I held that against her but that’s not what happened. She had the option to work on us, I did not. That’s the difference, at least how I feel it. I never chose to be with someone else over working things out with my wife, she did in fact choose to be with others instead of working things out. That’s why it bothers me.
  3. Not really, she did a lot in the beginning but she was able to live past it. I, unfortunately, am having a harder time
  4. I did and I guess the difference at least in my head was that I didn’t want to, I just wasn’t given the option to be with my wife and she was with someone else. At that point, I just felt dumb and disgraced to sit there and wallow in self pity so I did date on and off during the separation, but it was never what I would’ve picked given the choice
  5. Great trick, going to try use this! I really do hope so!!
  6. It doesn't feel right now but feelings change. You say she is really great but want to end things without really having a reason. I would look at why you would want to end things. Is it the pressure of commitment? Do you feel you are too young to settle down? Look forward a little bit and think about what life would look like with her in it vs without. Where are you happiest? Would you be resentful staying with her or regretful for leaving? Ultimately, if you are just not into the relationship, then its best for both of you if you move on.
  7. Yah, she moved in, is dependent on you and has low libido??? Seems this is not what you signed up for or really what anyone would sign up for. I think its fine to ask her to work things out with her sisters and move back there. I don't think its a betrayal as you never intended it to be permanent.
  8. I don't think we could communicate about any issues. She didn't feel wanted is what she said. I feel like there was alot of room for improvement on my end but that I did do things for both us and our family and tried to cut out special time to spend with just us or doing things with our kids. It is intimidating. She said she just wanted to feel wanted and that her husband didn't want her. I did want her though. I tried my best to express this but she was checked out and didn't believe or care I guess after the fight. I did ask her for us to stay connected, to live apart for a bit if that's what she needed but maybe try dating or going to counseling but she wasn't receptive at the time. I feel that she chose these men over working things out and that's what hurts. What were they to her except not me. She said that they didnt mean anything to her but she told some of them that she loved them. I guess I feel like these other people were put in front of me and I never did that to her. I always wanted to be with her and had she asked to come back I wouldve dropped the person I was seeing in a heartbeat. So, maybe I wonder where I really stand with her. She expresses this love but is this what she expressed to them? I think sometimes she just wants to be wanted by anyone and I could easily be substituted for anyone else.
  9. Yes, she moved back into the house first of April. We are going to counseling once a week alternating between couples and individual. She has mentioned that I am a different person. I don't feel that I am that different but she says everything is different and that I am what she had always wanted before. She also said that she wouldn't leave again. She said even if I started back gaming she wasn't leaving. I told her she didn't have to worry about that.
  10. I'm not trying to deflect. I take responsibility for what I did. The marriage wasn't perfect outside of the gaming and there were issues that lead me to asking for the divorce in the first place and reasons I kept gaming. But let me be clear, I shouldn't have asked for the divorce and I shouldn't have been gaming and these were both very poor decisions and coping mechanisms from me and I fully realize and accept that. I'm am trying to refocus because my issues don't come from the gaming or asking for the divorce, I imagine if my wife were on here then that would be what she would be focused on. What is preventing me from embracing the current situation is that she choose to leave and introduce people into the mix. Had she just left and not slept with other people or we had a trial separation or was willing to go to counseling or a myriad of other scenarios, I wouldn't be here with this anxiousness. As it is, I'm having panic attacks daily and am unable to be the person I need to be in this relationship because of these other men and what I am trying to find is some good advice on how to better handle the situation, accept it, be in the present, and not feel like I'm having a heart attack. Maybe this is true. I don't know. I do know that I didn't want her to leave and she did. Maybe it was her being serious about leaving that really opened my eyes. I don't know. There were a great deal of other issues outside the gaming during the marriage and I was frustrated and didn't know how to properly communicate. Whenever we tried to talk about anything that might be bothering me it lead to a full out nuclear war so I just generally avoided talking about things.
  11. Agreed, don't need a perfect "moment". Make your own moment, talk to her and lead the conversation to asking her out.
  12. Sorry, this isn't true and that's my fault for not explaining it better. I asked for the divorce and tried to back out of that the next day. I didn't know about any other guy or anything going on. It was an argument, it got heated and I went too far and tried to take it back but damage done I guess. I wanted her back from the beginning and I don't think of her as a possession. I did lose control and said something I didn't mean at a point of frustration and anger and yes it bit me in the ass and yes I'm having a hard time getting over it.
  13. I stopped the game shortly after she left. Sorry if I was unclear. I don't game anymore, like at all. I realized my wife and family was more important to me. Before she left, I took her the computer and said we could move it or place it out for the trash man for all I cared, that I only wanted her and our family. She left anyway. I think her having gone seen her ex had a great deal to do with this. When I said I want to let it go, I'm speaking to the anxiousness that she slept around while we were separated. She did some pretty mean and spiteful things during that time period outside of this as well.
  14. This isn't a relationship. End it. Put yourself in a position to meet someone that actually appreciates you. Go out, date, find what you are looking for because this man is not it at all. There is zero reason to continue this.
  15. I woman needs to feel loved to give love and a man feels loved when given it so its a hard situation to navigate sometimes. She has unmet needs and that is probably the issue. Figuring out what those are and addressing them will help to correct the problem. There are sex therapists that specialize in these issues if she would be open to going. I feel like it is probably a barrier to her wants and your wants not being fulfilled. It is perfectly fine for you to want sex and she obviously does too or she wouldnt have been sending sexy pics to another guy. Respark the romance. Date nights, new clothes to wear on the date (get her size and pick out an outfit and surprise her with it), somewhere you haven't been before, surprise small gifts, notes, body rubs, pedicures, make it exciting again. Court her like you would a new relationship and make her feel loved and wanted (not just sexually but in general). Sometimes do these things without the idea that she "owes" you sex afterwards, just do them because you love her and then slowly turn it into playful sexual talk. Make it fun, maybe please her for a night without any expectation of anything else. Show her that you love her and she will return it to you with love. If she turns over, try to hold her without initiating sex. Show her that you can be there emotionally, listen to her without trying to fix anything and show empathy toward her feelings. Anyways, these are my thoughts, I hope you find something useful and good luck!
  16. She said as much. She said she just wanted to be wanted and that she just wanted her husband to want her but he didnt. I did, of course, but I failed at showing her that. She spent 4 years asking me to get off the game. I want to let it go, just having a hard time doing so.
  17. I think there are some definite problems that need to be addressed on her side that she still has but I think she is trying in the relationship and I think she is trying to be better. We are going to counseling to try and address those. I just can't seem to find away around her sleeping with these men while we were separated.
  18. Thanks @Wiseman2 She says she is not leaving again, no matter what. I think I've been trying to push her away, maybe scared that she would leave and she hasn't and even has done some things that are irrationally asked on my part to ease my mind.
  19. Yes, this is accurate. I asked for a divorce and then she left over some things that was bothering me at the time in the heat of an argument. I realized quickly that that was a mistake but damage done I guess and she chose to leave and talk to her ex. Agreed, unfortunately, I did not fix this. Maybe? but i don't think so at least not consciously. I probably would be still upset over one. I only ran to someone because she had started talking with her ex. I didn't want to see anyone else, I just wanted my wife but wasn't an option at the time. Obviously not and I have no idea but maybe as many before from what I gather. She didn't really sleep around before hand which was something I always admired about her and maybe that's part of the issue, I'm not sure. I don't know if its even my ego, although maybe it is. I seem to have a great deal of anxiety with regards to her sleeping with people while we were married even though we were separated. I don't blame her for leaving but introducing other people in the marriage makes it tough. Maybe, because I was still in love with her and wanting to be with her during this period. Yes to all. I don't know if its the absolute number, just feels like alot, but probably if it was lower I'd feel the same. Its tough to think about her being with other men during this time period for me. Maybe I think she'll leave again, maybe its an ego thing. I'm not 100% sure. I just know its hard for me to cope with it and not sure exactly what I need to do to get past it. Maybe I feel like she kinda did, I don't know. We had a fight, I asked for a divorce that evening, the next day she was talking with her ex, that weekend she went and saw him. I guess I resent the fact that I did some things in the heat of the moment (which she has done plenty) and I said some things I didn't mean or even want and it didnt matter that that was the case. This is true and I'm hoping to find a way to move forward.
  20. Thank you, that's good advice. I may have focused on how I felt at the time of separation and during the separation.
  21. Its hard but people can change. Some people have addictions and are able to work through those and be a better person and sometimes that change comes from the one they love leaving. I can attest to this as I changed some of my behaviors that negatively impacted my relationship and have no desire to do those things any longer as I know how they can negatively impact what I want most. So to answer that question, yes, he could've changed and they only way you would really find out is to give it another shot. The second part of this is what lead to this behavior and are those issues being addressed or have been addressed so that this is not a goto for him any longer. Third, it sounds like there are some things that you would need to work on as well as generally, a break up is not a one way street. Although the crux is on him to change these negative behaviors, things like starting fights every night and other issues may be brought into the relationship by you and will need to be addressed. I think couples counseling is an excellent idea and if monetary/time allows maybe even individual counseling to address some of those issues each is bringing to the table. It will require work on both parties and after a break in trust it will take time to repair but it is possible to do so.
  22. I think you're right about this. Also correct. I feel that it was "special" as it was thoughtful and not just some meaningless thing. She said that they were friends mainly but she could've seen something more there but didn't want a relationship at the time, that it was mainly just going to be some kind of friends with benefits thing but she backed out of it after they slept together. Yes, I am not sure why it is easier for me to accept that. I guess because I knew my feelings and knew I wanted to work things out when I don't think she did, but in the end, I've got to confront my own insecurities. I honestly hope this is the case. Again, I think you hit the nail on the head here. These are things just to keep pushing her away. I worked so hard to try and get the opportunity to work things out and now that I have that, I push her away. I'm not sure why I am doing that. Maybe just scared of getting hurt again. Thank you @Lambert Really helpful stuff here.
  23. This is really what its about. I guess I really do have to decide what I want, and that's to try to work it out. I really do want that and like you said above, I do have all these things that are reasons to keep me there and try. I'm going to choose to work it out, to try, to let go of the past. I'm going to ask the counselor about the canvas, maybe, or maybe I just decide its unimportant. I think the thought of anything from this time period lingering around bothers me. Its hard for me to let go of this past hurt because it cut so deep but you're right in the fact that I need to give it my all and be in there fully to make it work. Half-stepping won't work. Thank you!
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