cari44

So... my exboyfriend broke up with me more than 5 months ago now. If you want, you can refer to the post a made about a month or two after we broke up: link removed So much stuff has happened since then. I saw him in the begginning of July for some reason or another. It was over something that was upsetting to both of us. So while sitting in his car, he kissed my cheek a a few times and rested his head on my shoulder. He also held me to comfort me. I was stiff and I knew nothing would come of it since we also caught up with eachother a bit and he told me how he liked this girl from his summer camp and so on. Anyway, I didn't see him again and about midway through July I decided I absolutely needed to have no contact because it was really starting to get to me all over again. I was very confused because I felt I still needed him in my life but at the same time, I wasn't going to get what I wanted because he didn't want me. So I just stopped talking to him completely. It was really tough but at the same time, I was extremely determined. So I started hanging out with a friend of mine from high school and eventually I started hanging out with her and her group of friends more and more and more. I met this new guy and we flirted with eachother. He had this problem that he was kind of waiting for this girl to come back from Isreal so that they could date... but we both really liked eachother. Our group of friends ended up going on a camping trip one weekend in which we got a lot a closer and finally we all went on a roadtrip and sparks flew. The day after we got back, we decided to start dating. By that time I hadn't spoken to my ex in almost a month and I was going strong. I had good days and bad days. I dated the new guy and he is absolutely wonderful. He treats me so well. I can't even begin to describe what a change it was to have someone be so incredibly nice to me and treat me like a princess compared to my ex who didn't even really care if he saw me. I didn't talk to my ex until school school which ended up being over a month. Our mutual friends are his friends now and I just have my own new friends. We don't hang in the same place we used to but I run into a few friends of his I liked a bit and we catch up when we can which isn't much. I finally talked to him and he talked back to me. Basically, he didn't want to be friends, but he just wanted to be able to say hi. I contacted him because I wanted to know how he would feel if we bumped into eachother at school. Well.. I've seen him a few times here and there. I am so confused... for a long time I just wanted him back so badly, even while dating the new guy. But then I started having dreams that he wanted me back and I couldnt' decide between the two of them. I guess mostly it's because I know my ex is a very big mean person and horrible and everything, but I "love" him... It's like that song: "I hate everything about you, why do I love you?" I thought by now it would go away or be less. But it still really bugs me. And the new guy is awesome and great and I do love him... just not like I did my ex. And then I think even if I love two guys, I shouldn't break up with the new guy because I do love him and I have to move on and it won' change anything if I break up with him or not except be more depressed. I thought after 5 months I'd be able to move on and be okay... but I'm not. I still wish my ex would just love me and want me, but he doesn't and won't. I don't know why I can't just let go of him. I remember things we used to do and how much I loved doing things with him... and then I get sad because we won't ever do it again. And then I also think about why life is so cruel to us... when people you cared about so much and love so much and they love you back just as much, can just turn around, not love you and not even care if they see you ever again. It doesn't make sense in my head that this is how humans live and just keep doing it over and over and over again. It seems lonely and awful. With my new boyfriend, I keep myself from thinking about that because I know I am happy now and I can't really hide from the future... it just seems so depressing. I really want to let go fo my ex and not care about him anymore and not want him at all. This morning I saw him at the subway stop and we talked a bit. I got sad because he was telling me about playing his favorite game which we used ot play together but I stopped because I couldn't handle it anymore. And the way he looks and everything just makes me want to melt in his arms. It's terrible. But at the same time I was also a bit disgusted with him. It's so hard to explain. I just want to stop thinking about him and just be happy with the new guy who I love and he cares and respects me. Woosh! Sorry for making it so long, I just had to get it out because it's driving me crazy!

I've been reading the forums for the past little while here... since my boyfriend broke up with me. Well... last night was just the tipping point. This may get a bit long, but I'll try to keep it short. He broke up with me on May the first. It was the abolsute worst day he could break up with me. It was on a Sunday. Keep in mind, May the 19th would have been our 1 year and half anniversary. That weekend, was my first weekend of my new job. So on the friday night when I call, he says he is acting all weird and I say: "I guess you don't want to talk?" and he's like: "No, not really." So I hung up the phone confused. I didn't know what was going on. I told him to call me when he feels like telling me what's up. Saturday passes by and then Sunday. I started getting really, really upset. The first days at my job were VERY stressful. I was so upset... Anyway, Sunday night he calls me up and tells me that he's breaking up with me. I was just in complete shock, so I was just like.. okay...huh? He told me he still wanst to be friends. I told him I'd think about it. I loved him to death... I did the big nonos of a relationship. I let him take over my life. I lost contact with all my friends from high school. This past year was my first year of cegep. Anyway, I made some new friends, but mostly I just hung around with him. I let him be my everything. Anyway, so this past april I told myself to get my life back in line. And so I started making more friends, I was getting a new job, I was getting back on track. But I was still loving him and caring for him and everything. Everything seemed to be ok. Well, the thing is, this summer he's going to have 3 jobs. Summer camp, a technical support for this store and video game testing. The next 3 days I was incredibly upset. I layed down on my couch and didn't get up. I cried and bawled my eyes out. Finally, when I talked to him again, I got him to explain why. He told me that he foresaw bad times coming up and he wanted to end our relationship on a good note, not a bad one. And that he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. Now... none of this makes sense. He felt like my soul-mate of sorts. Like, we just connected so well. And out of nowhere this happens. And I don't understand why. I guess most don't at these times. I coudln't bring myself to go to school I was so upset. Now this was my last week of school. I just couldn't go. And not to mention the fact that I was in a group with his best friend for our last project. So I really couldn't let myself go to that class. I have to pass 4 classes in order to stay in cegep.. I was only taking 4 classes at the time. Anyway, by the end of that week, I made myself believe things could be okay. I continued going to work etc... then this past week happened. And suddenly I realized again, that he wasn't away on vacation... that he wasn't going to come back to me. And it threw me totally off. I quit my job because it was really bad besides the whole fact that I had negative feelinsg towards it from him breaking up with me on my first weekend. I would have kept going just to have something to do, but I was at the point of coming to tears. It's a customer service job which is really stressful. So then yesterday I checked my grades... and I guess I had disillusioned myself that I'd still pass those classes anyway... but I was wrong. I only passed 2 classes. That means I'm getting kicked out of my school and it's too late to apply elsewhere. I feel so incredibly lost right now. I had also tried going out with this other guy because at that point I thought I was over my ex. But wow... was I wrong. We went to see star wars last week together and I just felt disgusting. I was really uncomfortable and I just wanted to get away from him. So I feel bad for leading him on. But I told him we'd go as friends and see what would happen. I guess he got the wrong vibes because he kissed me and eveything and I had to leave and go home. I still talk to him and he keeps wanting to see me, even only as friend... but I feel like I really messed up. It feels like everything is going so wrong for me. I feel so stupid for putting that much trust in him. Now, he doesn't even care if we stay friends or not. I had been talking to him, but it was hurting too much, so I started NC on Sunday. He doesn't give a crap at all. How could someone love you and then just not anymore? It just hurts so much... like I can't believe that this could be happening. I can't see a future in which he's not in it. It makes life feel so empty and lonely. I do have my friends and family, but I don't want them, I want him. I'd do anything to have him back, even though logically I know he was a really bad boyfriend. I don't want to go on and bash him here and why he was so bad... But I just feel so weak and stupid. I want him back and there's no way he'll ever come back. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I thought I was making progress but I was just hiding all of my pain from myself. We have so many memories and things together... like at this time last year we were getting ready for prom... It just hurts getting reminded of anything. I even took away everything that I could that reminded me of him... but like, my bed, my computer even.. is a reminder... because he helped me pick it out. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do anymore.