TeeDee

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've never found anything positive by asking or telling a man what to do, how to behave, what to say, what to give based on what I need.

Sure he might acquiesce however is it truly what he desires to give coming from within his own heart? 

OR is he simply doing it to appease me?  

Trying to change somebody is bad.  However, asking for what you need is part of open & honest communication.  

In another example from my own relationship / marriage.  My husband never went on vacation before me.  In part that was because he didn't have the money.  But I like to travel. So I asked if he wanted to go on a trip.  

Would you really sit there, being upset & then breaking up because the person you were dating didn't suggest a vacation? That doesn't feel healthy either. 

As for the vacations themselves, we compromise there too. he likes active adventures. . . exploring a city or taking these long, physically demanding hikes.  I want to sit on a beach & read, which he can't stand.  Our vacation preferences don't mean we don't love each other.  Rather our mutual willingness to acquiesce & do things the other ones loves but that we don't like proves how much we love each other because we are willing to do things for our partners.  Compromise is part of a healthy marriage & you don't always have to be 4-square perfectly in synch about everything to have it work.  

I'm inferring some rigidity in your responses & it comes across as negative & uncompromising but from your other posts you seem caring, so I think it's how you're expressing this.  If you think that the only way a relationship can be successful is that your partner knows what you want because they want the same thing, I fear you are missing out.  

Again I'm not suggesting you or anybody else endeavors to change fundamental values but IMO people should ask for what they want / need in a healthy relationship.   There's a middle ground between all or nothing.  

Similarly to bring this back to the OP, if there are things in his relationship that @mike3610needs to strengthen & improve his relationship, IMO he should speak up before simply ending things.  

Why would it be hard to separate?  She's your GF not your wife.  The fact that she doesn't work & can't drive are her problems.  Kick her out.  Keep custody of your kid.  Give her visitation. 

Move your other family members in with you to provide childcare & reduce your overall financial obligations.  

Problem solved. 

I agree that she's flirting but I don't think she means anything by it.  Since she's 15 years older than you when she said you were a "good boy" that was demeaning.  She doesn't see you as a romantic prospect but she does like you well enough as a friendly helpful co-worker.  

When you say your BF has access to a pool what do you mean?  Does he have one at his apartment complex or something?  If so he's kind of a jerk for not letting you swim when you clearly like it so much. 

My husband hates to swim & hates the beach.  We do go a couple of times per year.  We joined a beach club.  I go all day & he comes down around 4-5 pm when the sun is setting & we have cocktails.  We also take cruises.  I get beach & he gets all sorts of other activities.  

You & this guy need to find compromises that work for you. 

I do go to the beach with groups & female friends but I avoid going with me & 1 other guy where possible. 

You kind of messed up by not telling hubby immediately so apologize for that.  

Do make a meaningful effort to get another job. . . I'm talking 5-10 applications per day.   

Say sweet things to your husband.  Make his favorite meal.  Reassure him that he's your guy.  Do ask him what he needs to rebuild trust.  In a calmer moment find out why he overreacted so badly & have some real discussions about trust.  Hopefully his response was just the alcohol & jealousy & he's not as much of a tool as he comes across. 

About the only thing I can suggest is that you offer to let her bring a friend & you bring a buddy so she feels safe.  

Have you at least video chatted with her?  If not, at least do that.  If she won't even do that, give up & tell her why namely that she's a time waster.   You are only asking for a coffee in the day in a public place.  If she can't manage that, she's hopeless. 

19 hours ago, Maria13 said:

Does someone have similar experience? Is there any hope?

I was with a guy for 10 years when things ended.  5 years l met my husband.  

If you want a baby get a sperm doner & IVF or adopt.  

On 6/1/2024 at 7:51 PM, RickJacone said:

What should I do?

Divorce her.   She's having sex with him, spending your money to do it & lying. 

Seriously, she's peeing on your leg & gaslighting you by telling you it's raining.  

He wasn't "just curious."  He also doesn't trust you.  

Neither of you are being honest here. You flit from situationship to situationship & back again without commitment.  You either don't know what you want or you are afraid of it.  You need to be honest with yourself & address that. He cares more than he wants to admit & can't handle the merry-go-round that is this on again off again situationship.  

The world has changed so much over the years.  Smiling at nodding at strangers in public on the tube or wherever is fine; expecting more than that is considered creepy these days.  You need places to socialize where it's more acceptable to talk to strangers. 

Is there an alumni group from your university where you live?  Go to events sponsored by them. 

Find some group related to what you do for work:  chamber of commerce, continued education, convention etc. & meet people that way.  I met my husband at a business card exchange.  

Join a coed soccer team & socialize with the other players. 

Become a regular at your local pub even if you don't drink. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

TeeDee I'm going to have to disagree with you.  One shouldn't have to tell your gf/bf how to speak to you or how to act towards you. . 

What we express to our partners and our actions should come from within our own hearts not because we're told to or even asked to. 

Nobody has to read your mind.  If you want something specific in your relationship speak up.   If you don't say anything it's your fault, not theirs that you aren't getting what you want. 

My husband is a shy introvert who does not easily express himself verbally & who did not grow up in a demonstrative household.   He wasn't very affection when we first met & rarely talked.  That was an early point of contention until I said I wanted to be kissed hello & goodbye; I wanted to end all conversations with I love you and expected we would hold hands or link arms when walking together.  Doing those things never dawned on my then BF, now husband.  When I explained specifically what I wanted he was happy to give them to me because I was clear.  Had I not spoken up we probably would have broken up rather than being on our way to celebrating 16 years of marriage.  

3 minutes ago, mike3610 said:

 She said things like, "I love you so much.", "I cant wait to see you!"  she would buy me things. I went on vacation with her and her family. She would also say things like, "when we move in together." She would always want to hold my hand, kiss me, cuddle me...etc..etc...

Can you tell your present GF that you would like her to do those things?  

What effort are you willing to make to revive or kickstart the excitement in your present relationship?  IMO you need to make the effort before you walk away after almost 4 years.  

13 hours ago, Brittany613 said:

Then I started chatting with him on the company's communication software. I wondered if my way of chatting was wrong or what? He didn't read the message I sent him until the next day, and only responded with an emoji.

How should I continue?

The forum you have chosen is horrible.  Company resources are for company business not flirtation or chit chat.  Stay off that platform. 

His delayed non-verbal response shows little interest.  Back off.  

If you see him in person be chatty & friendly but avoid all formats that come with a digital trail, especially one that can be tracked by your employer.   If he doesn't respond favorably in person, he's not interested. 

She should document all the extra work she has to do & then monetize it.  She should also figure out how much the company would have to pay a temp while the boss is out.  She should then present those figures to the decision makers & show them why paying her a 10% increase is a bargain.  If possible, she should get her boss to champion her bonus.  

What kind of an adult asks permission of a 5 month GF?  You are his GF, not his mother. 

He should go on the trip.  If he's not a big boozer / partier like they are, he will not become like that on this trip.  Sure he might over indulge because it's vacation but that is not a lifestyle choice. 

Apologize.  Tell him you care about him & trust him even if his office buddies rub you the wrong way, then offer to drive him to the airport & pick him up afterwards.  

If you are unwilling to do that, break up with him because he deserves a supportive GF who trusts him & who doesn't treat him like a child. 

1 hour ago, mike3610 said:

 Should I leave to see if I can find that feeling?

That "feeling" is fleeting.  It's about newness & excitement, not love. IMO that "feeling" doesn't last & it cannot sustain a long term commitment. 

That said, you need to do what is best for you.  Make a pros & cons list.  What is good & solid about your relationship with your GF & what needs improvement?  See if you can add some joie de vivre into the mix before you go on this vacation.   

My husband didn't give me the same excitement I got from my 1st love but everything else about that relationship except the sex was dysfunctional.   In contrast my husband is amazing, lack of toe curling not withstanding. I do not feel like I settled. Instead, I got the brass ring which is so much better than some sparkles & glitter.  

You are not obligated to pop the Q just because you are coming up on 4 years together. This is supposed to be a lifetime commitment; you need to be sure. 

3 hours ago, kevon said:

thank you for your kind words.

 

yeah, i was almost in this whole reb/blue/black pill BS. insane, that people are legit earning money with this.

You're welcome.  

It's only insane if you give them Your money.  😀   As P.T. Barnum said, "there's a sucker born every minute."  I don't begrudge the ones who profit but I do feel bad for the ones who fall for their nonsense.  

When I replied the 1st time I skimmed everything & didn't realize your ethnic background.  Although the world is a diverse place, marriage is serious business wherein people of similar backgrounds tend to flock together.  I am not saying you are stuck there but acknowledging that you may face prejudice.  

Do you have a big enough pool of people who share your culture or at least your cultural values?  If not, where can you find such people?  That may increase your chances of successful dating.  

I'm not convinced that he doesn't want to date her.  I fear he has an inferiority complex which is why he's making these self-deprecating comments.   Thus, if she makes a soft private approach outside the prying eyes of all the busybodies, I think he may be open to at least coffee or staying in touch.  

On 5/24/2024 at 11:19 PM, Kand0909 said:

 I do have an appointment this Wednesday. 

Today is Thursday.  What did the doctor say?  

Ask him for his contact info so that you can stay in touch after he leaves the company. How he responds to that request will inform what you do next.  

Kevon 

Please don't give up. 

I think you could use a moral boost.  Consider starting a gratitude journal.  Every morning wake up & write 3 things you are grateful for.  Write 3 more different ones at night.   Once a week read your journal. 

They don't have to be profound but they can be.  For example in winter my down comforter makes the list a lot.  🥶  Sometimes it's a beautiful sunset; other times that somebody gave me a compliment. 

I can start your list for you if you like: 

1.  You have a university education 

2.  Your parents let you live at home during uni

3.  You have a job 

You may want to consider the services of a real life matchmaker and/or dating coach.  I am not talking some PUA, reb/blue/black pill BS.  I am talking about a flesh & blood person who you can see & who can assess you in the flesh & give you tips, nothing through a screen or call.  

12 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said:

What kind of activities are those? As I mentioned to @Batya33: I'm into a lot of social progressive groups. I ran a mini community center for a year, lots of activism-related events––book clubs, protests, 101 classes. I go to co-ed hiking clubs––mostly older people or couples. I'm trying to look for a co-ed frisbee group (none in my area), but I could explore others. I go out to bars and lounges with my friends. I volunteer at farms and gardens.
 

I'm surprised you haven't meet liked minded people at those kinds of events.   It may take a little courage but when you are out & about you also need to look around to see if you spot somebody interesting.  Then you be brave & say hi first.  Master the art of small talk:  "nice day"; "Do you think it might rain?"  "What do you think of the author's other book ______?" "when is the next protest?"  Somebody needs to break the ice.  Based on some of the horror stories you were told here about woman calling the cops because some guy said hi, most guys are more hesitant to make the 1st move.  

Lots of people do flakey things.  IMO randomly reaching out to an EX who was short term to begin with years later is flakey. 

She might but who cares?  Why would you want her to? 

She probably won't.  Because she knows things weren't great.  You also weren't together all that long.  You aren't one of her nearest & dearest. 

About two years after we broke up the father of my EX died.  That EX & I lived together for 10 years.  The parents lived with us for 6 months before the mom died of cancer.  I had cared for the mom during her last days.  When she had been healthier that EX & I had often visited their house in another state.  We'd spent many holidays together.   I reached out to that EX then to offer my condolences because I genuinely liked the father.  Ten years later when my parents died, he reached out.  We run in a lot of the same professional circles which is how we both knew of the deaths.  In those instances, reaching out wasn't random.  The interactions were also polite & short.  I haven't talked to that guy in 10 years at this point. 

5 hours ago, THE NEW GUY said:

My question is how can I maneuver through such a relationship and does anyone here have experience with something like this? Can I get better and what should we do? 

You can't maneuver through this.  It's not your issue.  It's hers. 

You can't change anything.  It doesn't appear she wants to.  

It probably won't get better. 

No matter what you do, she will always find fault.  

There is some chance that she may grow up but how long are you willing to wait for that? 

You are never going to forget. That is an unrealistic goal.  Instead you want to get to a point where remembering hurts less.