flyjfly

I have no confidence. I don't believe in myself or other people around me. When you talk to me it becomes over obvious. Sometimes I believe in nothing. I seriously don't believe in any higher power. I feel like things just happen. It's hard for me to even type this because I don't know what kind of reaction I'm going to get. Usually people give me advice I don't want to do. Like, I don't want to go out and about drinking with people, yet this is how I can socialise with everyone around me. This makes me not want to go anywhere. I just want to bury myself away from the judging public, and not have to think anymore. I'm seriously sick of it. When I think about everything I might be able to do it's crazy. I don't want to turn to drugs and alcohol (I don't drink or do drugs at all, I've never even be drunk) and I'm not gonna harm myself. Should I just lock myself up and throw away the key? Sometimes, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Oh, so you wanna talk presription drugs huh? Well, your miracle drugs don't do anything for me. Ive been on many. All they do for me is make my additude worse (hard to believe, but yeah). Plus I've had high levels of other side effects. Most anti-depresants have the same effect level of a sugar pill by most studies. It's all what you think on the inside. Maybe if you got off the brain candy you'd realize what a fantasy world most people live in. Don't try to convince me you know whats best for me. I don't need to be told anything. I just like suggestions. You can't force everybody to do what you want.

To be honest, I think I need a reason in doing the things I normally do. I get little to no satisfaction. Whenever I'm around people I usually complain about stuff they like. If they smoke, drink, do drugs, I might mention it in a joking fashion how I disapprove of it. I then don't get close to these people, but then again why would I want to be close to people that have vices I hate about them? Am I too selfish or do these things just drive me nuts in a fair way? I don't know. I honestly don't. I'm getting impatient and tired of not desiring/believing in dead end roads. I try, I lose. I've been let down so many times before that I have little courage left in me to continue doing what I do. What is it that I do? I work a full time job that provides me with enough money to support myself. In this process I'm scared. I know if I get a girlfriend all my money is gonna be gone and I'll virtually be broke. Then she won't even stick around cause I: 1. Don't drink 2. Am not as attractive as other guys 3. Don't go to school 4. Don't have any interest in a lot of things 5. Have a poor diet 6. Don't Exercise 7. Have no desire to go back to college 8. AND HAVE EXTREAMLY SCAREY LOW SELF ESTEEM Boy I'm the catch of the day. I feel so low that I'd probably go with out with any chick that liked me. That's a miracle in it's self! It's usually me liking someone and totally getting shot down for who I am. Honesty doesn't count. Being drug free as I am doesn't count. Being a clean person doesn't count. Being mostly kind doesn't count. What does? Acting like a freaking jerk? Come on. I honestly don't post here expecting a strait answer. In fact most replies don't help. Especially, "Hey Fire.....uh....I mean Fly.......get on drugs. WOW, THANKS MAN. Never would have thought of that. You're a PHD right? Anyway, anyone know of a NON-RELIGIOUS group I could get together with similar to a youth group in CA?

WHO IS FIRE?

Well, I'm moving out of my house cause it's drilled into my skull that I should kiss major behind for not paying rent. Well guess what, the head of the house is a PMS Mom who wants a good reason to hate. I would rather pay a complete stranger than let this bird tweet all day long. I can now afford to rent a room and live on my own which I am two seconds away from doing. I have no controll over a lot of things in my house and I would rather take pride in paying my own bills. Even if I DID pay rent, I wouldn't get freedom. I would only loose money while living with a monster and my spoiled sister. So, I'm moving the hell out. Thats what I ment by, "Good riddance". My needs are basically called, "Listen to my simple requests". These include, "Please don't yell, and Please don't pick and pry at my very exestance telling me I'm a sorry excuse when I'm trying to save and move out". I have a full time job I like. Oh wait! Theres also, "Hey, don't expect me to help you when I solve major problems with household issues cause your only gonna throw me chump change that is a joke to not have people call your bluff that you don't give much to your first child". See. She's only covering her behind. She still loves my sister WAY more. Her excuse is, "Shes a girl". Totally sexist.

Seriously, I feel like I have no value to anyone at all. The crazy part is, if I did, it would be to my family which I hate. This isn't a temporary hate either, I simply do not need anything from them. There a charity case anyway, always wanting my services. Well screw them, there never going to be there for me to meet my needs. I've just going to let them boil in their own misery. Good riddance. In the mean time, sense I have no REAL value to anyone as I wished I did, I don't know what to do but commit myself. I look like a freak. I can't be loved. I just can't. I'm sick of trying. I just want to be happy without a bunch of snot nosed pricks standing around telling me how to be a better person. I don't need to go to college to be happy; I don't need drugs/alcohol to be happy. If I was to commit myself, would anyone have any good suggestions? I'm tired of all the pressure to be something I'm not. If people can't understand me for that, then I don't want to function in society anymore. Where can I find sanctuary? (No religious suggestions please)

I'm going through a crazy time right now in my life. It's really my inner self thats affecting me. I don't have any self esteem. I try not to look at myself in the mirror because I'm afraid of what I might see. I'm weak, unhealthy, tired, sad, lonely, depressed, hungry, and lack major self confidence in myself and others around me. Ive come to believe that I fear rejection. When I say fear it really means that I'm terrified of it. Most of the things I do I feel are a waste of time because I feel I'm running in circles. I sometimes feel like I should just be locked away and banished from society. The thought of others making fun of me behind my back is one of the things that I dread. I wish that if I'm hated that much, people would just let me know. To be honest, I almost didn't even write this post. To me reading a lot of these posts is a big tease to me. It gives me the illusion that there are others out there that share my similar values that are near me. I feel so sad that I will probably never meet any of you. I don't know how mentioning any of this will make it any better. I really don't know what I'm gonna do. I feel one day I'm just not going be able to see other people anymore. I will hide like the coward I am. At the same time I feel so alone. I'm so lonely I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I had someone in my life so bad it hurts deeply. Oh yeah, by the way, I realized I can't be happy alone like you all say you have to be. If you were able to be happy all by yourself then why would you even need anyone in your life at all? It feels like a crazy challenge to try and find "happiness" by yourself. It's something that for me seems near impossible. I would actually go as far as to say that this idea even can't exist period. People need to be around others and socialize to feel sane. How am I supposed to like running, playing sports, going to the movies, going to concerts, playing music, watching tv, and trying to survive by myself. I'm just ready to give up on doing the things I like even a little bit. My idea right now would be to trade in all my guitars, amps, and anything else I could sell and check myself into a nuthouse. It's not that I fear I couldn't play guitar in front of others, it's the fact that most people don't give a care about music with it anymore. Did I mention a nuthouse back there? Yep, sounds like a perfect fit for me. Then at least when people would look at me locked up they will say, "Well it makes sense, lets leave him alone." I'll be just another crazy out there. I'm telling you people don't understand these deep type of feelings anyway. Don't you realize how cheap all this talk is? Try and get the majority of people out there to understand this. They would rather listen to hip hop, drink, dance, do drugs, and play video games. Gosh, I'm so syked for the future now. I wonder how many people will would piss on my grave for insulting there precious video games. Man, they've got it all put together.........

Hmmm

This is what it seems to be. It seems in life you either choose to go to school, or to venture outside of school in a different direction. This divided path puts me at a crossroads when trying to think about a relationship with the opposite sex. I feel like because of my lack of effort in attending college it puts out negative vibes. Mainly the vibes of, "Man what a loser. This guy works, but he's never going anywhere. By the way he's also extremely boring and doesn't seem to like to party/drink so I better go find someone who does cause I'm a chick and I only dig reckless guys cause my life's so boring with school." Now that statement may seem a bit harsh above, but it's really what I see a lot of the time. Chicks only dig dudes who are gonna "blow" them away usually. Now I'm not saying that there aren't any compromises, but gee isn't the reality about 75% of chicks dig the reckless thing? I'm not talking about the guys who party only, I'm also saying it's that "tough guy" attitude. What gives. Can't that BS easily be seen through? Also, what gives with peoples responses to certain problems? I mean, people will say, "Ive got this problem, I hate going outside. I also can't stand other people." Thats responded with, "It's OK, you just need to surround yourself around them more often so you can deal with them." Great, I'm sure they can't wait to expose themselves to the things that cause them the problems in the first place. It's like dealing with a bully by letting him beat you senseless. Sure you'd EVENTUALLY stop feeling the pain after you'd gone numb to the bone, but wheres the pride or sense of progression? It's basically the old saying, "Suck it up." This is pretty much what I tend to hear. So should they suck it all up till they explode? I don't think so. Here in the USA the goal is: Profit Motivated Individualism. This is how we mostly see our personal success and how we perceive others. To me it seems like a train thats gonna eventually run out of steam. I feel like so many things have such surface level depth it boggles me why people care so much. Is this just people going with the flow until there midlife crisis? Perhaps...... The thoughts I think are mostly negative, perhaps it's that Ive lost most hope for the future. I just don't see the light. Others seem to be so happy with themselves. I sometimes feel jealous. I wish I could love busting my rear end off at school and then graduating only not to find a job and eventually become an alcoholic/drug addict like a lot of them do. Anyone see why I MIGHT not choose that path? This is all really boring nonsense. If I get no responses I wouldn't be surprised.