kim42

What did he reply?  Did you guys confirm plans to watch the film?

If you're hoping that this might turn into something more than a fwb situation, I'd probably move on and stop texting him. You don't want to wait for him to change his mind.

Did he ask you to go out for lunch or do you sometimes do other things, without having sex?

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It depends in what context the stranger approaches. I started chatting with my new neighbor in the hallway a couple days ago -complete stranger.  I've had men in the fitness room in my building greet me or ask me a question -totally fine.  And meeting strangers in certain contexts means you know more about them  than a cold approach on the street. 

Absolutely, I was specifically talking about being approached on the street which is something I don't like.

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Everyone’s a stranger until you get to know ‘em! 
 

x

That's true!

I was followed by a man several times (different man each time) and it was always uncomfortable.

One of these guys followed me for several minutes to ask for my phone number, and when I refused, he started to convince me to give him a chance. Maybe some women enjoy this attention, I certainly don't. I come from a country where we rarely interact with strangers on a street so I prefer to meet men in a different way :)

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Neither do I for the most part.  I mind a man I don't know approaching me in public on a street or in a store to compliment my looks.  I wouldn't feel comfortable and likely would feel unsafe.  

I'm the same, it makes me uncomfortable, especially on a street.

I personaly don't like being approached by random men in public, it makes me uncomfortable if a man I don't know asks for my number. Then again, I'm from a country where you rarely get approached just walking down the street so I'm not used to it. 

It has happened to me several times and I never gave my number.

I think it's easy to start overthinking messages from someone that you like, I struggle wuth this mydelf. Try to relax, sometimes people are too tired or forget to use emojis.

She seems to be interested.

Sounds like you both had a good time, you can send her a message to ask her out again. There are different opinions on how many days you should wait, I personally wouldn't wait for too long.

Good luck!

For me the good thing about being single right now is that I can fully enjoy my routine and don't have to take into consideration someone else and what they want to do.

I have an activity almost every evening after work (dance class, language class) or I go out with my friends.

Sure, there are moments I feel lonely but right now I think I'm sort of protective of my happiness and this routine that I've built.

Happy belated birthday @NighttimeNightmare, and good luck with this lady!

As someone dealing with a long-distance situation, it's interesting to read a similar story.

Can you explain how she blows hot and cold?

A little update - we're still in touch, he's been reaching out more often than before.

On 12/22/2023 at 5:24 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree and while I did see many assumptions being made, both negative and positive, including from myself at various times throughout, I did not see bullying.

Bullying is not allowed here and those posts should have been reported. .

I can understand however that you felt bullied, we all experience these comments in different ways. 

Assumptions are a given.  They are made all the time here, I invite you to read my recent thread!  😀

I was advised by moderation that when you feel assumptions and untruths are being made, to respond with more clarity/context correcting the assumption/untruth.

That's all we can do really. 

We give opinion and advice based on our own experiences and perceptions and with limited information, it is very easy to "get it wrong."

I was always a big supporter of your relationship, still am! 

At the end, I flipped a bit and began having doubts and will own that I was one of the posters who suspected he may possibly be lying about his employment because something just didn't feel right to me about it.

It was an opinion only based on what had been posted and my own experiences and I truly apologize if it or I offended you.

At the end of day, please remember we are all here trying to help no matter how it's delivered.

Anyway @kim42if YOU are happy, I am happy!  And if interacting with him the way you've been doing gives you joy and enhances your life even a little bit, then I say continue forward and be happy! 😀

 

 

 

Thank you, @rainbowsandroses, I've decided to trust my instincts and stay in touch with him.

Happy holidays! 

19 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I don’t think it’s fair to accuse people of “bullying” simply because they have views you don’t want to hear.

Some people were unnecessary harsh and that's not helpful.

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Happy holidays and I hope you get some well deserved time off from work we’ve been traveling out west since last Saturday and I’ve checked work email a couple times a day. But we’re closed next Monday and Tuesday so I’m hoping they do early closure today so I can stop checking email !  Hope you come back to update. 

Thank you, Batya, enjoy the holidays with your family and safe travels! 

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you're still in touch and taking it easy.  Are you both going home for the holidays?  In any event, enjoy your friends and family and whatever happens with your long distance guy. 

Yes, I'm traveling tomorrow and he left for his home country earlier than planned because a family member passed away.

Thanks, wise, appreciate it, happy holidays!

53 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

i don't remember someone making that assumption... but still I think it's strange he didn't find a job yet... 

This is what this thread is about. You present a situation, you have an issue, and people comment on it based on their experience and beliefs. Some people are very skeptical in life in general, others are more realistic and direct and they have a different approach when dealing with these situations. So there is no use to be offended when people are trying to give different perspectives. @kim42Maybe you will ignore my following posts, but let me just give you some extracts of an interesting article about self-deception.

Wishing you the best and a happy Christmas!

.

.

.

We all do it. We engage in self-deception—hiding the truth from ourselves about our true feelings, motives, or circumstances. When we’re deceiving ourselves, we’re denying evidence, logic, or reality and rationalizing choices or behaviors to serve a false narrative. We’re not seeing or viewing things accurately. Our self-deception can be conscious or unconscious, controlled or automatic, acute or chronic.

Examples of Self-Deception in Action

Self-deception is tricky because we’re often not aware of it when we’re doing it. (That’s how good we are at it.)

• a dreamer who keeps postponing big plans with excuses about not having enough time or it not being the right time to start
• a young single who keeps reading way too much into casual acts by a romantic interest
• a spouse who keeps focusing on his partner’s faults and ignoring his own issues
• a worker who spins self-serving tales about why others are getting raises and promotions
• an addict who believes her addictions are under control*
• ...

Five Signs of Self-Deception

Though it can be hard to detect, there are signs of self-deception in action. For example, we’re probably deceiving ourselves when we:

1. keep making excuses for ourselves or others
2. can’t accept responsibility for things
3. keep blaming others
4. keep avoiding unpleasant realities
5. feel defensive or threatened when people challenge us

https://greggvanourek.com/self-deception/

Yes that assumption was made several pages ago. It's not that easy to find a job in our field so I don't find that strange.

I think there's a huge difference between giving constructive advice/different perspective and bullying and making assumptions - that's not helpful at all.

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry for his loss.

Have you decided to just accept that he will not initiate contact very often? Is it affecting your anxiety or have you found peace in acceptance?

Yes, I've been trying to accept it. I'm feeling more relaxed, I definitely have more control over my anxiety.

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has he been initiating contact? 

I hope his job search is productive. It's a tough time of year to be looking for a job for sure. 

A little, not as much as I'd like to but he's always been like this I guess.

He's had several interviews but no job offer, sadly. He's been through a lot lately, someone from his family passed away so we've been chatting about these things.

On 12/20/2023 at 2:54 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Kim, not sure where you got that impression.  I for one have been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and was hoping you would update!

And I would imagine most others feel the same.  

So, if I may ask, how is everything?  Has he reached out?   Have you?  Are you still communicating?

Absolutely no judgment either way if you are; emotions are fluid and can fluctuate especially early in as we go through the process of moving closer to each other, mentally and emotionally.  I've experienced it in my own relationships, so have many others. 

In any event, hope you're okay and doing well!

Happy Holidays!  :))

 

 

Yes, we're still communicating.

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I was thinking the same thing. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch. It's as simple as putting the debaters  and speculators on your ignore list. 

I didn't know there was an ignore list, good to know.

Thanks everyone for your kinds words!

I might come back and update you guys, thanks for sticking with me throughout this thread! 

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Kim, not sure where you got that impression.  I for one have been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and was hoping you would update!

And I would imagine most others feel the same.  

So, if I may ask, how is everything?  Has he reached out?   Have you?  Are you still communicating?

Absolutely no judgment either way if you are; emotions are fluid and can fluctuate especially early in as we go through the process of moving closer to each other, mentally and emotionally.  I've experienced it in my own relationships, so have many others. 

In any event, hope you're okay and doing well!

Happy Holidays!  :))

 

 

There were many negative comments in this thread, some people almost bullying me when I wanted to see him in November, or accusing me of changing the narrative.

I also didn't like the speculations that he's a liar, and as much as I enjoy this forum, I'm more careful now to share updates.

17 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I’m interested to see if he reaches out at any point wondering where you went (assuming you’ve kept up with not texting).  I’m wondering if he got used to the dynamic of the once-a-week contact being initiated by you. 
 

but at the end of the day I suppose you’ve decided this situation isn’t for you. If he reaches out it might be nice for/of you to be honest about why you stopped texting and want to end contact.  Nothing overbearing or emotional, but IMO doing this resolves several “unknowns.”  And if he really is this nice guy who isn’t malicious and lying to you, and he is sincere in wanting to see you, and the two of you have had this ongoing baby friendship, I think he might deserve to know where you went.  

It’ll also be helpful for you because you’ve decided what you want, and then can verbalize those boundaries and move fwd yourself.  Knowing what you want and verbalizing those things gives you control of your life and the anxiety is less prone to rear its head.  Anxiety really comes alive and festers in the ‘unknown.’   
 

again, this is just a suggestion in the event he reaches out wondering where you went. 

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll think about it. I'll see how comfortable I am sharing more updates here, some of the comments/reactions don't encourage me to keep posting.

In any case, I appreciate your advice! 

I think you should ask her out but I think coffee or lunch would be better than going to the movies.

I never understood going to the movies for a date because you can't really talk there.

I honestly think it's unnecessary to block him, I understand it could have helped some of you and that's great but I'm not considering doing it.

He was never my direct work colleague, we only worked in the same field. Whatever happens with him does not have any impact on my career.