kim42

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

All the more reason to want to listen to it!!

I'm sorry but your reasoning makes no sense.

When a person cares and they suspect something may have happened to the person they care about, they'd want to listen to the VM or voice note ASAP, not avoid listening.

I think you're in deep denial about a few things Kim but I've said my piece, and wish you luck. 

I was at work so I couldn't listen to it right after he sent it. By the time I could listen to it, I had this accident scenario in my head and was nervous about it. I'm not sure what's so unusual about my reaction.

I always said I liked him, I never denied that. 

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think you were nervous because you have developed strong feelings for him. ^^

As I said yesterday, I was afraid he had an accident or something happened to him since it was the first time he sent a voice note.

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Kim -an example - I have a friend who I was a penpal with only by calls and texts for about 2 years. We met through my mom FB group and she lives 20 minutes drive/an hour by public transit in an area I've been to a number of times and two of her kids lived right near me in the city.  We didn't meet because of pandemic and even covid (her family had it).  But we planned to -and did a couple of months ago and hopefully will again.

Background.  she dislikes texting.  I love phone calls but over the last year especially have had real restrictions on when I can do a proper catch up. We've actually texted a lot more than I would have thought given her dislike. 

Last week she asked if I had time for a phone call and it had been so long.  I was swamped with work, I was anxious about work, my son was home sick.  Terrible timing. 

And - I self-talked quickly - work will always be there. We have so little time to talk and she's asking and it's been so long -we needed to reconnect that way.  I said yes which was highly unusual for me - my reflex would have been a big fat no.  I'm so so glad I self-talked, went against my instinct -and she knew my situation and it showed her I cared about connecting, cared about her dislike of texting (which would have been easier with my work load/kid interruptions - I stepped up.  Also I faced my fear of not focusing on work.  It really meant a lot -overall -you'd be surprised.  And it wasn't easy for me -I can relate.  

Thanks, Batya, for sharing this. I think I'd be more comfortable with a regular phone call thab sending him a voice message. I've never been into these voice notes. In person we talked for hours so I think it should be easy on the phone too. I realize this fear/dislike for phone calls is just in my head so let's see how I can overcome it.

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bingo!  Totally agree @Kwothe28and was exactly what I was referring to in my previous post about fears of closeness/intimacy and anxieties again of which many people are unaware of consciously but show up in the choices they make and how they interact in relationships or in this case situationship.

I'm speaking from experience so there's some projection but I've also done a ton of reading about it and learned many things through therapy as well.

It's all related and there is a reason why Kim is choosing this ambiguous long distance situation with a man she isn't sure she will ever see again!  

@Kim it's not just about texts or phone calls.  That's just a "symptom."

It is this mostly (below quoted) and imo you would be very wise to at least consider it assuming you DO want a committed long term relationship some day.  

Not sure if you ever mentioned it but have you ever been married?  What were your previous long term relationships?    

Anyway, nuff said about this from me!!  Again just some things to consider if you're interested that's all. 

Be happy. 

I just don't like phone calls, and I think there's no need to overanalyze it to this extent.

Again, it's not as if I refuse to go on dates with other men, I didn't put my life on hold because of him.

I've explained several times why I like him so I don't feel like repeating myself again. I understand that some women would get tired in this situation and stop talking to him. I chose to stay in touch. The same way as I probably wouldn't go for drinks with a random man I met in the elevator without knowing his name, but you liked his approach and met up with him.

I'm focusing on the phone call thing now so we don't need to overcomplicate this.

26 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I totally agree with all that's been said by @Kwothe28

I think in your case, the wisest thing to do would be to send him a text like: 

“I do enjoy our conversations and meeting last summer. But as you may know, I have a lot going on and often don’t have much time to respond to your texts. As I don’t want to left you on read, I suggest you hit me up if you wish to come visit me, and until then I wish you good luck to find your dream job. I hope everything turns out well for you.”

In my opinion, you are way to invested in this, and I do think that the connection you sense with this guy might prevent you from recognizing the right guy once he shows up. I think it’s time for you to move on Kim. This whole messages and texting isn't helping you in any way. 

Still, you don't cut him off completely: If he calls in six months when he gets a job and wants to come see you, if you are still single, then great. If he never calls, then you will have saved 6 month of your life and maybe overcome your attraction for him and met another great guy.

I’m afraid this situation will drag on indefinitely… Think about it. 

I know you're trying to help and I don't want to sound rude but I didn't ask how to stop interacting with him. I enjoy talking to him and learning things about myself.

I honestly don't think I would have started seriously dating any of the guys I met last year, even if he wasn't in the picture. Either they were not looking for a relationship or we simply were not compatible.

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I read it. Just think you are not focused on other people because this is still an ongoing thing. And that it doesnt do you good in maybe connecting with somebody else where you could achieve a relationship. As you already feel connected here. Just my opinion and something to think about. 

I sadly didn't meet anyone recently in my city who I'd like click with, and he'd be looking for a relationship too. There were some men last year I was interested in, but either they were flaky, or they just wanted to sleep with me.

I try to have an open mind when I go on a date but lately I had very little in common with the men I met locally. 

I didn't start a thread for every man I went out a date wih last year but I don't think I could have connected better with them if I didn't have this long distance guy in my life.

42 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think Kim has a fear of intimacy. I do think Kim is just probably average millenial/genZ member about whom I talked on a different thread. And how they avoid phone calls and prefer text messages because first causes them anxiety and text messages give them time to respond so they prefer that as a mean of communication. 

Anyway, I do have a different observation about the whole case. Kim, I think not conneting with anyone in real life is in part because you have a 20 pages thread about some other guy. Who still doesnt want to come to see you while you saw him twice(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh he doesnt have a job, I had a job there excuse). And all this texting/sending voice mails doesnt really do you any favor in that department. I am sorry, but at one point you would have to let this go completely. And focus on something actually feasible to make a romantic relationship. 

I keep posting here because it helps me to learn to better handle some situations, not just with him but generally with people.

I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I do go on dates with other men too, so it's not like I stay home all the time, waiting for this guy.

He's told me several times that he wants to come to visit once he finds a job. Since I've known him for a while now, I don't think he would say it if he didn't mean it. He's been unemployed for around 6 months now so I don't think it's an excuse.

Again, just because I keep posting about him, it doesn't mean I don't have other things in life.

If you think I'm wasting my time or he's lying to me, that's ok, I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I hope that you'll consider just having conversations with him on the phone.  The voice message and text message combo seems  awkward ... like you'll go to great lengths to avoid talking to each other.

I realize it might be a little weird if I just continue to text him so I'll probably suggest a phone call soon.

Thank you everyone for helping me overcome my dislike/fear of phone calls.

@rainbowsandroses I don't think this has to have a deeper meaning, I simply don't like phone calls, I have several friends like this and it doesn't mean we fear intimacy. If I didn't want to get closer to him, I wouldn't want him to come visit me.

I know some people might think it's strange to stay in touch because of the distance and his job situation. We get along very well and we both want to see each other again so that's why I stay touch in touch with him. It's not because I want to avoid having a close relationship.

26 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes, it’s weird to just continue to spend your time texting and texting and texting with no end in sight. At that point it’s basically just like having a pen pal. People are going to naturally want more, and hearing one another’s voice is more personal.
 

I second  what @rainbowsandroses asked: could this also be some sort of fear of intimacy? No judgement, I naturally feel more connected when I keep people at an arms length and when things become a little too intimate I feel like I need space. I wonder if one of your attractions to this situation is that he is at an arms length and up until now you’ve been able to comfortably hide behind a text message.  

I don't think it's a fear of intimacy. When we talked about him visiting, I didn't feel like I needed space or that it would be too much.

I don't like phone calls in general, I didn't talk on the phone with my exes unless it was necessary. They were always in the same city or close though, so I realize a long distance situation needs different communication.

I think I'll give it a shot and try to schedule a phone call.

45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What's interesting about this is that it's been stated on this forum and others that texting is lazy!  

I mentioned earlier I always preferred texting but my boyfriend prefers calling and I gotta say, I now like it much better than texting.  

@kim42does your voice sound different over the phone or in a voice message than it does in person?  

Do you fear having him hear your voice when you've gotten together in person? 

I'm trying to understand your fear and thinking it may go deeper than you simply not liking the sound of your voice?

Do you have a fear closeness and prefer more impersonal interactions such as texting can be?  Which perhaps is why this long distance situation works for you?

Not accusing, just asking. 

 

Yes, I believe my voice sounds different on the phone.

No, I never thought about him not liking my voice in person - we knew each other professionally first so I saw him only as a colleague from my field, I didn't see him in a romantic way for a long time.

I'm not a fan of phone calls in general. There are maybe 5 people I feel comfortable being on the phone with - mostly family members a 2 close friends.

So I believe I need a close relationship with someone to actually enjoy talking to them on the phone.

I don't think I have a fear of closeness, and I'd be happy if he lived in the same city, or at least closer.

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've seen each other in person, so he knows your voice. Maybe you're self conscious but he might think you have a sexy voice?🤷  It's a little easier to text, yes but maybe open up to the possibilities?  Change is difficult but see how it goes. Maybe he's more of a handsfree type. Or his thumbs are sore? 

I'll give it a few days and maybe then suggest a phone call.

It makes sense he could want a more personal kind of communication after all this time.

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do think it could be laziness. Men often don’t like typing all these damn words. I would have been more enthusiastic if he had called you instead… 

We never spoke on the phone, it was just texting, until today.

In his second voice message, he said that while he thinks it's easier to to do a voice message, it is a little weird that he talks like this to his phone without having a reply.

So maybe he'd like to do a phone call one day.

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I much prefer speaking to typing.

I mean, he's heard your voice before.  He has to have. You two have spent time together. Do you really think if he hates your voice so much he would continue to communicate with you? Can you see he actually likes to talk to you?

It's not laziness, if you're being honest. It's because you have a hangup about your voice. Again, he's already shown clearly it doesn't bother him. 

Can you find a way to get past this hangup and just talk to him?

I know he's heard my voice, I just cringe at the thought of sending him a voice message.

I realize it kind of makes sense to move from text messages to something else after messaging for such a long time.

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not lazy at all. He just seems to prefer it even though it's not your preference. You could just listen to the voice notes and reply via text, no? 

Sure, I can reply by text to his voice notes, I just wonder that maybe he expects me to do the same and send him a voice message too at some point? 

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

What did you fear he was going to say? 

I thought it was something serious, like he had accident or something, since it was the first time he did it. It turns out he wanted to share some things with me, and he also asked me questions.

45 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What’s going on with your issues surrounding being on the phone, and even listening to a voicemail 

do you want to talk about and explore this?

 

(all in all I think your update is a nice example of how things can unfold naturally between two people, in time. A nice reminder not to assign “not interested” to things when they don’t unfold as we think they should or as quickly as we would like) 

I don't like phone calls because I'm insecure about my voice. I have quite a strong voice for a woman and I don't feel comfortable being on the phone or leaving voice messages. 

I think most men like a soft feminine voice which I clearly don't have so I just avoid phone calls. At work we have many calls and video meetings, and once a coworker (she's my friend) knew I was at the office because she heard me speaking, and she wasn't even sitting close to me.

I know it sounds silly when I describe it like this but I am self-conscious about my voice. I know it's probably just in my head but I can't see myself sending a voice message to someone I like.

I think you might be overthinking this, I don't think there's anything wrong with her checking her calendar. She said yes to the 3rd date and that's a good sign, hope you'll have fun!

It seems you're probably not over your ex yet, so better to let Lily go.

31 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Great post, I’m genuinely tired of navigating smartphone messaging all I want to do is set the date then focus on the date itself but so many women (and probably guys) expect you to be texting lots in between, I get it if you’re in a relationship checking in sometimes but in the pre first date or even early dating phase I don’t get why we need to be in constant contact outside of the odd check in. Surely the fact you’re setting dates should indicate your interest? Had someone recently where I had set the date then she had assumed it was off because I hadn’t text for a couple of days between  😂🤦‍♂️ Then other times you get called too keen if you text, no win situation. Can we go back to pre smartphone culture please 😆

Just out of curiosity, you said you didn't text her for a couple of days - how many days exactly?

I admit it would be a little red flag for me if a man didn't text me in between dates.

If two  people have different communication/texting style, it could be an issue, like If someone wants to text and send memes everyday, while the other person doesn't like texting that much.

There are so many threads on reddit about texting, it's interesting to read it, there's a lot of pressue to text 'the right way'. I think if someone is into you, they will be happy to hear from you, I feel there are too many 'rules' around texting. I mean, when you think about it,  it's a little silly when a grown up adult is worried about double-texting. 

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I totally agree with the heavy flirty thing or men coming on too strong. Not a fan either. And it would definitely be inappropriate from his part In my opinion. 

However, I was referring to flirting in a way of showing that there’s some level of attraction or interest. Like complimenting and making OP feel special about something... this kind of exchanges you can have with a person you are interested in.

Since you’ve known each other for some time and kissed, I guess he got the hint that you don’t view him as a friend. So it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to gauge your interest level in a suggestive way or say something about that kiss (which I guess wasn’t nothing….)

It's good you still want to plan dates even if they don't lead anywhere. Me, when I have a  crush on someone, I’m not capable of going on a date with another guy and appreciate him. That’s why I always try to overcome my crushes before dating again. otherwise I know its a complete loss of time. 😅

 

I think it's good for me to go on dates with local men, it's a nice reminder that there are other guys out there too. But I know what you mean, it's not always easy when you have one guy on your mind.

44 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sorry he got rejected for the job. I know some fields are very specific. I have always been working in art galleries and when I left my previous one I knew it would take some time to find another perfect job. That’s the reason why I worked for 18 months in a basic job I really didn’t like while improving my knowledge through online courses, until I found my new art gallery. It took some time and I knew I wouldn’t find something so easily so I hope it will turn out good for him.

It's good he is keeping in touch and being friendly with you. Do you sometimes flirt over text? Did he ever mentioned the kiss you exchanged, or does he compliment you in a flirty way? 

And how about your dates? Are capable of meeting other guys without comparing them to him?

Thank you, Sindy, I'll think of you when I'll be at an art gallery in Switzerland🙂

I'm not a big fan of heavy flirting over text if a man is not my boyfriend yet because I had bad experience with it - it would usually turn into sexting or the guy would ask for pictures, and I really don't want to go down this road with him. I like that he's a gentlemen.

We have our own jokes by now, we often interact in a jokey/teasing way because we have the same sense of humor. And he sends me funny videos sometimes. 

We didn't talk about that kiss, I don't think it's necessary, it was a sweet moment, and I usually let these things just happen. 

As for other dates, for now just basic coffee/cocktail dates that didn't lead anywhere. Usually there is no spark on my end, or we have little in common. It's not always easy to not compare but I've been doing my best to avoid it.

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Meh. What is there for her to step back from? 

she’s met someone she enjoys talking to and she doesn’t sound fantastical about thinking they’re going to get together or anything.  Sounds like she’s just taking it as it all comes, and allowing what will be to be - including using this board as an aid to help refocus and learn healthier coping mechanisms. 
 

so on that note, good on you for identifying his behavior is likely just due to other external factors.  Keep doing things for yourself and having an opened heart for whatever may come your way 

Yes, exactly, posting here helps me to handle this situation a little better, and also to understand myself more.

Sure, I'd like to see him again but I do realize him finding a job might sadly take a long time so I need to manage my expectations accordingly.

Staying busy and focusing on my routine and goals helps me a lot.