kim42

Sorry about your accident, Sindy. Hope they'll take good care of you in Switzerland 💕

28 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I can appreciate why you might feel a little sting to hear that a friend's LD messaging may result in a visit. I mean, I can be happy for a lottery winner but still feel some envy due to the bills awaiting my payment.

Comparisons are not our friend, yet they can creep in sometimes even when we aren't surfing social media.

I appreciate you opting to let this out here, as it probably wouldn't be a great idea to mention it to your friend. At the same time, I can understand regretting that choice when the simplest thing can turn into a picking party around here.

Head high, Kim.

Thank you, I realize it's not good to compare my situation to someone elses's thing.

I do regret sometimes posting here, to be honest.

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I did not ask for details or the nature, nor do I care to know the details.

All I asked is if by "intimate" you meant sexting because the word intimate is ambiguous

You responded no, thank you for clarifying.

And yes it does matter imo and if you were sexting and he initiated, I would suggest you next him because nothing good or positive would ever evolve from that in THIS context.

But you're not sexting so great and carry on. 😀

He's a gentleman and very respectful. If he was sexting me, I wouldn't continue talking to him.

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How sure are you from your interactions that he cannot wait to see you once he has a job? I mean what he says now. We can’t predict the future. But as you said he’s a stand up trustworthy person of integrity so if he said to you now “I cannot wait to see you once I have a job” you’d trust he presently meant that right?

Yes,  I'd trust him.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Or maybe -she just wanted to vent and maybe writing it out will help her figure it out.  Now I'm not sure.  

Yes, I came here just to vent.

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Is this true @kim42?  I hope so, it would be a mistake not to imo

 

Yes, I've mentioned it several times.

52 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What sort of "intimate" messages?  I'm not asking for details but in general do you mean sexting?  

Not accusing, just asking because the word "intimate" is ambiguous in this context.

Re this being a "friendship," I understand you shared a kiss when you last saw each other, and at that time, you envisioned it being more and evolving into a dating situation.

But Kim, when was that?  Since that time, what has he done, what have you done, other than meaningless "talk" about him visiting after he gets a job, that would suggest this is more than a friendship? 

And I used the word "meaningless" because "talk" with no "action" means nothing in the grand scheme, imo. No matter what the circumstances.

IOW, enjoy the interaction but take it all with a huge grain of salt unless and until you see movement, action.

These types of online interactions and I've had a few myself, either evolve or devolve. And unless there is movement, a progression, not necessarily meeting if that's not possible, but something.  Nor are "intimate" message exchanges whatever you meant by that. 

I'm not saying this to hurt you, but it's important to be realistc. To get real and honest with yourself and own your own feelings and yes expectations, which you DO have otherwise your friend's guy visiting her would not have affected you as much as it did..

Just some things to consider as you decide what it is you truly want from him and the situation as it stands now in the present and going forward

V you want it to be.

Best.

 

 

I don't feel comfortable sharing the nature of the messages here, but it was not sexting.

I disagree that our interactions are meaningless - I enjoy talking to him, we share a lot with each other and i think we are closer than before.

As I said, I don't know if this will evolve into a relationship or not, I'll see what happens once he finds a job.

55 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I’m not saying he is a liar, on the contrary, he told you several times that he can't make it to see you and he seems very respectful/cautious in his communication. Still I don’t understand what he is about. But let’s not talk about him. 

You don’t care about the phone call because you don’t like it and that's ok. But the fact that he began sending you voice messages could mean that he was willing to escalate the communication on some level, which is what we talked about a few weeks ago, and the reason why you suggested a phone call, and he agreed.  If he had actually called you, do you think you would have felt upset the when your friend told you about her guy? Frustration mainly happens when a desire is not fulfilled. In your situation it could be a desire to see a progression, even a slight one…  (I’m just trying to find and explanation for how you felt the other day, which is what as you asked for… )

I don't think the phone call would have changed how I felt about the conversation with my friend.

I honestly don't care about the phone call, he's been sending me nice, thoughtful voice notes, in addition to text messages, amd that's perfectly okay for me.

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure - I wrote that.  I was not going to settle so I was very very patient with that.  Your reaction to your friend suggests you're tired of waiting/being so patient.  You're not entirely sure he's chomping at the bit to see you again once he's able to afford to travel.

If you're cool with seeing what happens --- I would think your friend's news wouldn't phase you a bit.  You'd wish her luck, ask her to share the juicy post-meet details maybe and feel chill that your friend cannot wait to see you once he's able.  IMO.

There's no "just" with friends IMO -good friends are gems, special, rare. You're comfortable exchanging intimate messages AND having zero expectations.  I've felt that way in my life -I've had vacation flings for example where I had zero expectations of it being anything more and I was comfortable fooling around at the location then leaving -bye!

I think we disagree on this, and I'll leave it at that.

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does he presently say that he can’t wait till he can see you again ? Once my future husband and I decided to get back together we routinely said this for the times we were long distance. We only saw each other 3 times as friends though before getting back together. He was in town for the summer. I had zero expectations between the three times we met platonically even though I felt a spark and was very attracted to him. But - again this is just me -if he’d followed his good friend’s advice and left town without us being a couple and expected me to meet up again in a month when he’d be back in town I’d likely have moved on.

And I wouldn’t have gone to visit him as friends. Waste of my time and too hard on my emotions. Had he said it was because of a job situation or other significant life situation I’d have been ok with that as long as I saw and believed that this was truly the case and he couldn’t wait to get the situation resolved and be with  me again.
I was in the thick of meeting men through dating sites when he suggested that first platonic catch up meeting. I was turning 39 and time was running out. 
 

Thank goodness he closed the deal when he did. You’re far more patient than me I get it. I do think if you believed with your whole heart that the only reason he’s not racing to see you in person is because he’s unemployed your friend’s news about her first meet and how it came about wouldn’t phase you. So I’m also a fan of you having no expectations.

I think he’s an honest and good person and a good friend and  your interest in dating each other with potential for a serious relationship is imbalanced. 

I see that our approach to men and dating is different, and that's ok. I'm not in a rush to get married and I don't want to have kids, so for me it's not about being 'patient'.

29 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

It might be the reason why he can’t visit you, but in reality you can’t be sure. 

This is also an interesting question. 

I think you value this guy very much. Didn’t it crossed your mind that he might view you as someone he would date casually? A woman he would hang out with when you go to his city for work. He is ok with texting you or sending voice messages in the times you don’t to see each other but it seems to me he doesn’t want to give you a faux impression by taking the communication to the next level, by flirting or being more engaged or even call you. Would you be ok dating him casually? Like seeing him from time to times without any expectations? 

I really don't want to start speculating that he might be lying or not completely honest. He told me several times that he wants to see me again and wants to visit me once he finds a job. He said he's not comfortable traveling here while unemployed and I trust him enough.

I don't really care about the phone call, I only suggested it because for me it's a better alternative than sending a voice note myself, but again, I'm happy with texting and him sending occasional voice notes. I think he's engaged in our communication, as I said it's much better than before. I'm not a huge fan of flirting over text messages, I honestly don't do it myself so that's not an issue. 

Based on our interactions, I don't think he's looking for casual. He told me he's looking for a serious relationship and he asked if I'm looking for the same thing. He didn't try to sleep with me and he's been very respectful. 

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to take his job hunting out of the equation. It really has nothing to do with you or your friendship with him. It's also something you have no control over. Please don't worry about his job or finances, they have no bearing on your mutually supportive friendship. 

Please take this friend's gloating with a grain of salt. She's playing hard to get games and believes they're working, but this guy she's bragging about snagging with the hard to get games hadn't actually shown up. 

I understand what you're trying to say but him being unemployed is the reason why he can't visit me. I agree I have no control over his job situation.

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you trust that he is excited to see you once he can afford to? 

I can't really answer this because I enjoy talking to him without thinking too much about what might or might not happen once he gets a job. I'm trying to stay in the present, without thinking too much about the future.

He always says he's happy to hear from me and looks forward to hearing from me, and I think our communication is much better than before but again, I have no idea when he'll find a job so I'm trying to stay in the present.

Maybe expectations is the wrong word, I'm aware of his situation and I know it can take a long time until he sorts his job situation. I'd like to see him again, at some point, but that's not new information. 

So nothing has changed, just this conversation with my friend left me feeling disappointed so I came here to vent.

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you disappointed because he doesn't have a job yet? Or because he hasn't visited you? Would you expect a man who's interested in you to go into debt to visit you? What are your expectations or hopes? 

Oh no, I wouldn't want him to have financial issues because of a visit.

I think I was hoping he would get a job in January, he had many interviews and got quite far but none of these  worked out. He shared his disappointments with me so I know his situation is not easy. I think with each interview I was hoping he was closer to getting a job.

He's started to apply for roles that have little or nothing to do with his profession.

I think it might be best for me to have zero or low expectations now.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

On its face, it does sound manipulative as I said in previous and most men imo will sense that. 

However, it's nuanced with different shades of gray and as such would depend on how she presented the info to him, which we don't know. 

For example, if she told him she was attending an event -  a friend's party or a wedding - and he specifically asked her if she had a date and she replied yes, to me that's NOT manipulative.  

On the other hand, if she simply announced she had a date out of nowhere with no context or prompting, that to me sounds like an attempt to elicit jealousy which IS manipulative.

But even then it's difficult to know for certain as none of us are her and don't know how it was said or what her intention was.  Or what HIS intentions are for visiting.

Kim, what's important now is how you're feeling, and how you plan to proceed from here. 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, I don't want to make any abrupt decisions so I'll think about it, and I might come back if needed, or to update you guys.

I still feel disapppointed to be honest.

Thank you @boltnrun and @rainbowsandroses, very good questions in both of your posts, I definitely have something to think about. I think the conversation with my friend has indeed triggered something in me.

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. This frenemy has horrible integrity and poor advice. She's playing the "well if you're busy, I've got a line of men waiting outside the door!" game. Think about it. If she has to use tricks and games to get a date, she's desperate. 

I know, it didn't sound right to me, I didn't tell her anything of course, I mean it's her dating situation.

I just felt upset yesterday and wanted to share to here.

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi Kim, did he call you? 

Hi Sindy, no we didn't make any plans for a phone call. He's been sending voice messages and texting.

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Consider that you could play the same game with him to "test"  but you two are friends.  That would not be a friendly thing to do and even if it "worked" you'd wonder -as she should-why he needed that to motivate him to make a plan to see you.

Oh I don't like playing this kind of games so not planning to do the same.

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Your feelings make sense, Kim. 

You would like to be able to see this guy more, and now you know your friend is getting what you want - a visit from a potential romantic interest. It's understandable that you feel wistful. 

However, it does also underline the fact that you would be wise not to hedge any bets on this long-distance crush becoming much more. It just doesn't sound like a realistic option. 

 

Thanks for understanding. I enjoy commumicating with him but I was surprised how I felt after seeing this friend.

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You feel what you feel. Feelings aren’t facts. You feel jealous because you wish your guy would visit you like this stranger is traveling to meet your friend. I mean logically it’s a little foolish. This stranger wasn’t motivated without competition and yet your friend still wants to spend time meeting him. Was she lying about the other guy to make him jealous?

I find when I feel jealous it’s because I’m missing something in my life. I used to feel jealous of my friends who were getting married and going to try to have a baby even if I’d never ever want to be in their situation with the man they chose to marry. I wanted to be a mom so badly.  And logically I’d never settle or get pregnant in inappropriate or bad circumstances but I was still jealous. Feelings aren’t facts. I hope you feel better. 

Thank you, Batya for sharing this.

I don't think she was lying, but she said it on purpose to see his reaction - her words.

So today I talked to a friend of mine, we're not very close but we hang out sometimes and she told me she's been talking to a guy from bumble for some time now. He lives in the same country as we do but in a different city. So they never met but she told me he's coming to visit her this weekend. Apparently he was already supposed to visit her some time ago but he ended up canceling his trip because he was too busy at work. She then told him she was going to meet up with another guy, so he decided to visit her after all.

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How is that ghosting? Didn't he just reach out vaguely? Seems a bit dramatic and if you keep that up you'll talk yourself into being negative about men generally for no good reason.  Many times I make new friends or get back in touch with friends online and it will fade out in just that way -I mean sure if I have solid plans to meet in person or a solid plan to talk on the phone at a specific time and it's a no show/MIA then yes fine -"I was ghosted."  You're already seeming to be negative about this whole thing and this analysis of yours just feeds it -unnecessarily.

I didn't understand the ghosting part either to be honest, that's why I asked the OP what she expects from this situation.