kim42

31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you mean he’s messaging less frequently? 

As many of us have been saying from the beginning, be careful not to get your hopes up too much with this guy. It’s going to be best to dial back communication since you have no idea when (or if) you will see each other again. You don’t want to find yourself too attached to having a digital pen-pal, in other words. 
 

 

1 hour ago, Alokinga said:

Not yet, that was two days ago and I didn't know exactly what my week was going to look like, so I just told her I'll do it shor. I really don't think she ran out if patience suddenly. I plan on doing it this evening when I see her at the concert.

Ok, just don't wait too long to confirm plans, she might think you're losing interest in her.

I have 2 questions before giving any advice.

Did you actually choose a time and a place for drinks? Did you follow up on this by making concrete plans?

9 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Is it higher standards, or just different standards? 
 

Many couples don’t speak every day and it’s not because of low standards, it’s just a dynamic that works for them (not suggesting these 2 are a couple, just giving an example) 

I dunno, I’m not him and he’s not here to provide an answer for that. 

 

He prob didn’t apologize or explain because there was nothing for him to apologize or explain.  He told her he’d be in touch about a date, and then he was in touch about a date. What is there to apologize for? 
 

if you need your potential partner to be in touch daily, or whatever, that’s ok too. I just wouldn’t call that a “higher standard.”  In some cases it very well may be, though. Like in cases of partners being demonstrably reckless with their partners emotions and needs, but in this case? Naw. 

It's a good reminder that not every man follows the same 'script' when he's interested in a woman.

I think it's easy to get lost in analyzing texts and keeping track on how much a guy yexts, and sometimes we just forget that each man is different. 

Of course, if a guy takes hours to reply each time and his replies are dry, then I'd be cautious but I've learned that for me it's healthy if I don't expect a man to behave in a certain way, just because most of my exes/guys I interacted with behaved like that.

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Exactly. This is what cracks me up about some of the posters here - they latch onto a sentence that someone relayed in a cliff-note version of their life and then assign all of this doomsday stuff to it. Like, we didn’t see the entire conversation, I can think of many benevolent reasons someone may have said “weekend” but the final plans turned to a weekday 

Yes, I think it's easy to miss some details that are in fact important, or pay attention to one thing instead of seeing the bigger picture.

I saw it in my thread, about the long distance guy, some posters got some basic facts wrong and kept repeating wrong information on several pages.

Anyway, I hope @MsBlonde will keep us posted!

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK but did you, I dunno, got any signs that she is into you in that way? Did you compliment her? Has she complimented back? Stuff like that.

Dont get me wrong, I think you are doing OK. Just that things should escalate as the time goes on. And that you just taking her out and talking is good but that is what you do with friends as well. With romantic partners there should be a different dynamic. For example what was wrong with you trying to stretch your arm in movies? Perhaps she was comfortable enough with you doing that and would tell you some stuff for later.

It was just the second date, plenty of time for things to escalate, OP seems to be a gentleman.

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why would it be a red flag? He comes see me because he wants to kiss me and because we couldn’t meet as I was with my son. He is just showing through action that he enjoys me… this is not a love bombing strategy, he doesn’t say inappropriate or pushy things, he just makes time and putts some level of efforts in it.

I wouldn't feel comfortable if a man I went on a date with would find out where I work and show up there as a surprise. For me it's too invasive.

30 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

His gamble paid off then, a lot of people would be freaked out by someone rocking up at their workplace after one date 😆 Can just imagine his forum post "I had a lovely first date with a lady last night, she said she worked at a decoration store in a local town, shall I surprise her by showing up at her workplace??" people would have a field day 😂

I would be freaked out for sure, I don't open up to people easily and don't like surprises like this, so for me it would be a red flag.

48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This. It would be unwise to charge a ticket to his card when he doesn't have any income at the moment. 

I also agree with this. 

Kim, you are smart to sit back a bit. It's nice that you two are communicating more, but I would not hold my breath for another visit any time soon.  It seems the job hunt is not going well at all and it could be quite a while before he's got disposable income again. 

Yes, that's what I've been thinking lately. I've been focusing on my life as much as I can, and I'll try to stay busy without getting too attached to the idea of a future visit.

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, this is insightful. While of course it's not a clear cut binary split, men tend to associate their career with much of their identity to a greater degree than most women. Yet even as a woman, I'm in no particular mood to date when I'm unemployed, so maybe I can relate to that.

While there are certain private aspects of being in work limbo that can feel energizing and full of possibilities, there's a social aspect that feels "...Meh...please don't ask me about this..." Well, that's an energetic wall that's pretty broad. It's not just a barrier to discussing a job search, it stifles discussion about what you've been up to--now that you can't afford to do your rock climbing, your tennis, your trips to Aruba...all of the other aspects of your life that you've identified with in the past.

It takes a certain kind of person to relax into their temporary 'retirement' and enjoy all facets of simply 'being'. Not much to talk about there... it's on the 'inner'. 

Yes, I don't want to ask too much or to often about his job search because I know he's been a little frustrated, which is understandable.

He shares updates about job interviews with me even without me asking so I still know how things are going.

And I agree, it's also makes harder to have the 'what you've been up to' conversation. The good thing is that we still have things to talk about.

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Look I think being so casual about things is fine before a couple has become sexually intimate.

But come on, this man has been inside her, one of the most intimate acts two people can engage in.  It means something to most people. There are hopes attached, I am literally shocked at the casualness of some of these responses. 

I happened to Google this yesterday and the general consensus among both women and men in today's dating culture is that waiting more than 24 hours to reach out after first time sex is very poor form and reflects low interest.

This guy waited 5 days, asked her what weekends she was free, then tossed out weeknights. 

All that combined, this is a giant red flag IMO, and if me, I would have nexted him.

Maybe my standards are too high but I've  never gotten my heart broken because of crap like this, I would next him before he ever got chance. 

There are LOTS of men out there who know how to treat a woman he's interested in, but you'll never meet him if you choose to remain focused on the one who treats you so nonchalantly as an option and a "plate."

$.02

 

 

From what I understood, he did text her after they had sex, I think he texted her the next day. And then they didn't talk for 5 days. @MsBlonde I hope I didn't confuse things!

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Being unemployed is terrifying. I've been there. 

I don't think it's a good idea to run up a credit card balance when you're unemployed. What happens when the bill comes in? Making only the minimum payment is bad for your credit rating. 

I also don't recommend visiting him. That'll just get you even more attached.

If he's not willing to obtain some sort of stopgap employment he could be in this situation for a long while. 

I hope you are continuing to date and meet others. No need to put yourself on hold for someone whose future is so uncertain.

Yes, I'm meeting local men.

As much as I like this guy, I'm very aware of the fact that his situation is uncertain.

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I'm sorry, but I don't think this micro analysis...  

It's ok for someone not being into texts or emails. but this guy was texting every day and pretty much prior to their first sex, so I assume he isn't being consistent on that level: red flag.

And he doesn't priorizes seeing her during weekend, at least he didn't ask her out this weekend. Another little red flag IMO.  

Some major signs a guy is genuinely interested in a woman are: consistency in communication and a willingness to see her on weekends... don't you think? 

I mean we didn't see the entire conversation so I'm not sure how they moved from 'weekends' to 'week nights' but I don't think it has to be a red flag.

Judging from personal experience - there's this guy who asked me out - he wanted to hang out this weekend but I already had plans. I also have plans for next weekend so I'll see him one evening on a weekday.

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes! Skip the micro-ANALysis, and enjoy! I also don't count days between texts. I never did that with phone calls or emails before texts were a thing, and I think there's too much social pressure for insta-responses that imply stuff that's just not necessary.

I agree it's easy to get caught up in overanalyzing messages and how quickly someone replies, I struggle with it myself. 

I've realized that sometimes even my messages can seem to be 'cold', and it's just because I'm tired, and it has nothing to do with the person I'm texting with.

I personally wouldn't worry too much about the weekday or weekend thing, enjoy the date, and I hope the vibe is still there!

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Probably... its been more than 9 month now, correct? in the event he finds a new job, he will need some time to adjust to his new life. See I have been dating a guy last summer for about 3 month (festival guy for the ones who read my thread about him). He was about to change job, for a more stressful one. he was completely absorbed by his new responsibilities and the new adjustments he had to do it was a big deal for him. Thinking about our relationship a few month later, I realized that he wasn't in a good place to build anything with me, even though he liked me and seemed genuine. He was preoccupied most of the time and anxious. 

I think men in general have a hard time focusing on multiple things. (multitasking is a feminine thing) If you meet a guy who is going through a big change in his life, he probably won't be ready to welcome a relationship. some men even need 6 month to adjust to their new jobs and feel comfortable and ready to shift their focus on something else, a woman for instance... 

 

Yes, I remember the festival guy. Thank you, Sindy, I agree that a new job is a big change.

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't understand why he doesn't take some kind of interim job to tide him over until something in his field that interests him becomes available.

You said you knew him from working on things together remotely.  What happened to the job he had at that time?

I believe he wants to focus on finding a job in his field for now.

He left the job through which we worked on some projects together for a different job, that turned out to be not what he was looking for, so he quit.

I think he underestimated the situation and probably thought he could find another job easily.

38 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why don't you suggest go meet him? See how he reacts. this might help you decipher whether the money issue is a pretext. Aren't you afraid your budding connection will fade if you don't see each other again in a timely manner?  

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42how far is the distance again?  A 3-hour train ride?  I forget. 

The train itself is about 2 hours and 30 minutes. For him to get to the train station from where he lives is another hour, and then to get where I live it's about 40  minutes. 

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can he not afford to come see you or he has too many interviews scheduled to make a plan?

Both, but mostly the first reason.

Sorry to hear that!

I wonder if he wanted to remain friends to stay in touch with you and have sex again when he feels like it.

I would stop talking to him, block him if needed.

I think you shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable. However, I have to admit that if I go on 3 dates with a guy and he doesn't kiss by then, I might lose interest and put him in the friendzone box.