kim42

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Exactly, move on. 

I think OP is developing feelings for this man. They know each other for a while, If I remember well, they used to work together in the past (@kim42 tell me if I'm wrong)

@kim42 I don't think you are just trying to have fun. I'm saying this because of your past threads, the anxiety you had last summer. After that you decided to approach it in a more casual way and your therapist helped you in that sense. You were more relaxed, but confessed that you were really anxious again before meeting him for the second time in November. (you said that in Rainbows last thread) And now, here you are, wanting him to text you more because you want him to reciprocate. in my opinion, you are not doing it for fun or just enjoying the hanging out with him. I sense that you really like this guy, and for a while. I think this situation is not healthy for you. this the kind of relationship that a woman can entertain for month, even years, keeping you stuck when clearly there is nothing to expect from it. At least not now. 

Thats why I was suggesting you trying to move on, but for real. Stop the contact, so you can focus on someone else without having him in your thoughts. Maybe someday, In a few years you will meet again, and he will be ready to have you in your life, who knows. But for now, I don't think it's sustainable. Maintaining contact with him is too risky according the fact that you really like him.

And I'm not being negative. I try being realistic and seeing things for what they are... you like a guy, he might(probably) like you in return, BUT: He isn't reciprocating as you wish he would, for now he needs to fix his own life, and you live to far appart... 3 reasonable and realistic reasons to not pursue this. 

 

I said in @rainbowsandroses that I was nervous a couple of minutes just before meeting him again which I think it's normal in these situations, it was a mix of being nervous and excited. I wasn't talking about anxiety, and as I mentioned here as well, I was a lot less anxious this time.

My reply to rainbow was more in a general sense about dating as such, not just about this situation.

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

At the risk of sounding rude, so what? 

One (in this case @kim42) can hope for more but still remain self-contained and relaxed taking it all 'one day at a time' versus analyzing and dissecting what everything means including text messaging.

I don't understand why hoping for more means as @Jauntysaid spiraling into anxiety and rumination.

Better to learn to manage anxieties and allow the relationship to take its natural course and develop gradually and organically.

Lower the expectations such as men should 'chase' otherwise they have low interest which Kim subscibes to. 

That imo is a very unhealthy not to mention unrealistic expectation in today's dating environment imo.

 

 

 

Thanks rainbow, this thread has really helped me to see things from a different perspective, and also to learn to enjoy things and try to have fun instead of being stressed.

I don't understand why some people here are so negative, I'm open to reading all sorts of comments but sometimes I hesitate to post here because of this.

I definitely see some progress im myself and my approach in dating, and that's probably more important in the long run than whatever will or will not happen with this guy 🙂

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42 I don't think anyone can state with certainty what his intentions are.  HE may not even know at this point in time which is okay imo.  You've had what, two dates?  

And why if I may ask does it have to be "going somewhere"?  Are not two people allowed to enjoy their moments together without the added pressure of what it means or where it's going?

I have never understood this, even when I was 18 years old in my first serious relationship.  

I always simply let things happen, naturally, I never bothered myself (or him) with "what does this mean"? Or "where is this going"?

And guess what?  Most of my dating experiences and relationships went the distance - years! 

My boyfriends/ex-husband considered me a sort of unicorn for this reason, how easy it was just "being" with me.  And as a result they wanted to move closer to me emotionally and fell in love with me.  Gradually and organically.

Relax!  Enjoy!  And try to rid yourself of outdated "rules" that an interested man chases and if he doesn't chase, it means he's not interested.

What a load of 'you know what', it means nothing of the sort.  He's following a contrived script because he thinks that's what it takes to "win" you.  In the early stages he doesn't even know you, remember that. 

Once he does (win you), it's anyone's guess what he will want with you after that. Including him.

I know such behavior all too well and when it happens now, it's a huge turn OFF.  Flowers, gifts, texts, cards, texting ad nauseum, no thank you.

Again it's contrived and meaningless.  

Judge by how well you connect and get on together in person.  The energy between you.

Can't you tell?  I always can like with the new man I'm dating.  He doesn't do any of that nonsense however it's obvious the man is totally smitten with me, or rather we are smitten with each other!  

All dating experiences and relationships are a risk, even marriage as I've learned.  NO guarantees, ever. 

Try to not overthink or analyze it.  I say this often and it's probably getting old for people but relax and enjoy the process, enjoy the journey.  

Don't worry yourself about what will happen "tomorrow".

Trust that whatever is meant to happen between you, WILL happen. 

Or not, again it's all a risk no matter how you slice and dice. 

Good luck!  😀

Thanks rainbow, I sometimes hesitate to post over here but comments like yours are very refreshing 🙂

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You are staying in touch though.  That's what I'm not getting. You are texting.

And he's responsive, engaging and attentive both in person and on text according to what you yourself have posted. 

The issue is you need him to text first and you're attaching meaning to him not doing so due to your own anxiety and insecurity.

Stop texting him.  Give HIM an opportunity to text you first if that's what you need.

If he doesn't, let it go and move on.

This is very helpful, thank you rainbow.

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

 

Hi Kim, so if I'm reading the above quotes correctly, in person, he's great, you're great together, great chemistry, you talk for hours, he's very attentive and displays a lot of interest. 

When you text him, he's very responsive, asks questions and remembers things you've told him, again all indicating high interest.

But yet because he rarely texts you first, you're thinking about dumping him? 

If I may ask, what sort of meaning are you attaching to him not texting you first? 

Do you think it means he isn't interested? Despite all his other actions indicating he IS?  

It's clear (at least to me) he's very interested however it appears you've developed a pattern wherein typically you text and he responds. 

I know a few couples with this same type of dynamic and it suits them just fine. 

He may believe that is exactly what you want, since you continue to do it. It's possible.

Or like he's told you, he's not much of a texter which I don't really believe since he's always very responsive to your texts and quite engaging, asking questions etc.

Anyway, I think you should ask yourself what the real issue is and whether you attach meaning to him not texting first like he doesn't care or something..

Myself?  I don't need much texting. I focus instead on how we connect, vibe and get on together in person while actually on our dates.

That's what most important to me.  I can go for days not texting and I'm absolutely fine!

But you're not me and your needs are different and I respect that.

But again ask yourself why you specifically need him to text FIRST which seems to be the only issue.  

If it's insecurity and anxiety, that's your burden to bear imo.

Oh and one last question, if you're NOT "dating," what exactly is it that you're doing?  

Is there physical affection when you see each other?  Kissing, holding hands, cuddling, have you had sex?

iDK, to me, it sounds like you're dating.  Not exclusively or seriously but nonetheless it's still dating. 

Hi rainbow, when you put it that way, it looks indeed a little silly that I put so much importance on him texting me first.

Yes, we have a great time in person, we get along really well.

I admit that I'm so used to men texting me, and I grew up with the idea that a man should 'chase' you that this situation makes me a little insecure. 

I don't know how to refer to this situation, it's clearly more than friendship but we're not exclusive or anything.

As for physical affection, we hug each other, there's some touching, he's been a gentleman so far so we didn't have sex, and last time we saw each other he kissed me on the lips. He also told me he's attracted to me, and a couple of more things which I prefer to keep private.

13 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

As you know, and do not wish to be reminded, you are not dating.  If he is not a friend, and you are not dating,  what would be the  context  for "more texting" and "more staying in touch"?

These are kind of rhetorical questions, because I'm sure you know what you want - you want him to be "showing interest" in dating even though you are not, and actually, due to distance and various other things (like he doesn't have a job) you CANNOT be dating. 

He is behaving appropriately in not doing that, because regardless of any feelings of "interest" he may have, he knows there is no acting upon them aside from virtually.

It seems obvious that he is not a person who is interested in stoking any kind of romantic relationship based on the Internet.   You seem to want this, but he doesn't.  

 

Since we both expressed interest in seeing each other again, for me it's kind of normal to stay in touch - not every day of course - even if we are not dating. I do realize it's different for him.

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

How do you think long distance relationship work? 

I've never been in one but as of now, phone calls is not something that I'm concerned about.

Just a general note - we both hate phone calls, we both know this about each other and I'm not expecting any phone call in the future 🙂

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That was actually my point. Currently he is a man you've spent several hours with and shared a kiss. You two aren't in a dating relationship (it's more what I would classify as a "romantic friendship"). Asking him to text you more frequently implies you believe the two of you are in a relationship. Even if you don't actually believe that. 

If you want to continue to keep in touch it seems you will have to be the one to initiate texting. If this isn't your preference then I would do as some others have suggested and stop initiating. For all you know he may end up texting you "Hello Stranger!" or something similar after a week or two goes by. Or he may not. 

I think that's where I wasn't sure, if asking him about his texting habits was reasonable after 2 meets/dates/whatever you guys want to call it.

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Ok. It’s good you both don’t like phone calls. IMHO unless your circumstances change and you can see each other at least once a week I don’t think staying in touch in between longer periods of time solely by typing will work as far as potential long term. I guess video calls are out too?

Yes video calls are out too 😁

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why are you expecting a "boyfriend package" when you subscribed to "casual" one?

He isnt required to reach out at all since you arent in a relationship. So his "Text me when you are in town X" has sense. Because he has no obligation to reach. On the other hand, yes, you are allowed to not be OK with that also. And to stop reach out as well. Just saying that you are expecting him to act like a boyfriend. While he is clearly not that and you are freely multi-dating as well.

Based on my past experiences, when I would hang out/go on dates with a man before he became my boyfriend, or sometimes not, he would text me quite a lot, so I don't think this is exclusively boyfriend behavior.

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Basically you had two options: 

1. Ask him about his texting method and try to progress things... 

2. Move one 

I don't understand the big gap between these two options and think you are lying to yourself about your ability to move on that easily... I just hope I'm wrong. 

 

Sindy, I appreciate your advice, but I really don't want to go down this road again that people accuse me of lying to myself.

I came here to ask/discuss something, and I believe there's no need to come up with these sort of theories.

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then you can’t complain if he doesn’t like texting. Has he asked to call ? Or tried to? Having been long distance I don’t think it’s sustainable on texting alone. 

He doesn't like phone calls either, I think this is a personal preference thing, I don't need phone call in my life :) 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Can you confirm why if he’s not into texting you two aren’t having phone calls? 

Batya, I don't like phone calls, and avoid them unless it's absolutely necessary.

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah, but you wanted to tell him that you like more texts from him without sounding clingy. right? 

If honestly you think you don't want to invest more of your time on this, I suggest you go no contact, you block him if you need to, because you NEED to take him out of your system. 

It's great you go on dates with others guys, but you will never find a good one if you still have HIM in your mind. YOU have to decide now what's best for you.

Letting him reach out again in a few month, or moving on now?

 I was thinking about bringing up this subject with him but I don't know how so I'll just go with my first option - move on.

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sorry for my bad English. What I mean is: try not to reach out first. Let him come to you. I think any kind of relationships are based on investment form both parts, something like 50/50. It looks like you are doing more efforts than him to get the communication going. He isn't showing much reciprocity in the sense that he isn't reaching out. some dating coaches would say: Do never invest more than the other person. 

If you don't reach out, maybe the communication will fade until it dies. And that's ok. It just means that he didn't reach your level of interest. I have been dating one guy a few weeks ago. We saw each other twice. he was silent so I reached out once. we exchanged 3 texts and then he just disappeared. Never reached out again... thats how it sometimes goes. People let things slow fade because they aren't into it.

He can't come because he has no money? or is it lack of time.....??

Why isn't he asking you to come visit him again?

Did you tell him that? is this the reason why he isn't inviting you? 

Its been 6 month now (or even more) that you are thinking about this guy. you saw him twice, in 6 month. you exchanged one kiss. And now you will have to wait another two or three month to see him again, and in the mean time all you've got is an enthusiastic texts responder and all the fantasies you built around this guy. I'm sorry but this is way to much of energy spent on a guy who doesn't match your level of interest. Just let him for now. 

Thanks, Sindy, for explaining.

I'm not planning to text him again as the way we communicate doesn't work for me, I just came here to discuss it but I honestly don't feel like investing anymore of my time into this. 

I've been on many dates with different men in the meantime, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home thinking about him. I rarely have this connection in person with a man though, so that's why I kept in touch with him.

The reason why he didn't visit is money, he's been unemployed for quite some time now, and as I said I understand this.

Yes, I told him it's his turn now. 

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why don't you try not reaching out to him to see whether he will. I'm sorry but I have a feeling that the guy is not really into this. He didn't come visit you last summer and doesn't seem eager to see you soon again...Did he invited you to go back to his city to spend time with him? Because from what I understood he isn't financially comfortable enough to come to your city.... 

Hey Sindy, not sure if I understand your first sentence.

He didn't come to visit in September because he's unemployed, and that's something I understand, he said several times he'll come once he has a job. I know it's just words for now, but I don't think he would say that if he didn't mean it.

I wouldn't go to his city again just to visit him, I think it's his turn now.

That's the confusing part for me - he has mentioned future visits and plans what we can do next year, he suggested things for next time, he made it clear he wants to meet again, he put effort into planning the dinner (even small details), he texted me the same night and the next day etc. When we text, he sends me long messages, he's enthusiastic, it's just the fact that he doesn't reach out first very often that bothers me.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately as you observed "he's not much of a texter" so this has nothing to with "your needs" or pleasing men.

All you can do is stay in touch if you wish and get together if you like. He really doesn't owe you anything. Sorry it's disappointing, but you are in fact "expecting him" to text you more. 

Thanks, wise, yes I'd like him to text me more, I just said I don't expect him to do it everyday, in case someone thought that was something I was hoping for.

His texting style is very different from what I'm used to - even with men I wasn't officially dating.

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you ask your other friends to text you more?

As you said, you two are not dating so I'm not sure how you would frame asking him why he doesn't text you more. 

I think this is different from my friends, so I don't think it's relevant how I text with my friends.

Hey everyone,

She said she wants to take it slow so I wouldn't suggest dates at your or her place for now.

Maybe she's not sure about the age gap or she just enjoys the attention but doesn't want to take things further.

Did you communicate after the second date? Is she interested in meeting up again?

43 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I think, even at 16, or 25, or 35 - we can’t have this feeling that we have “all the time in the world” to discover ourselves. 
 

What’s that quote? Life is not a dress rehearsal? 
 

I feel maybe a bit dramatic and melancholy to say this but, time goes by, and fast. You blink and 10 years is gone. No one has time to fritter and waste, and if you keep wasting it, even at 16, soon you are 28 and freaking out just like the rest of us. I don’t think anyone can afford to sit back. I think life requires participation and action! Sometimes we can think ourselves into not doing anything - I have been there and I do it to this day myself! 
 

You don’t want to repeat your same mistakes but, the key is to learn fast and not repeat them! That’s the goal. It isn’t that you made one mistake, that is inevitable and essential to learning, but the mistake and fault is only true if you keep making that same mistake over and over again. 
 

I have a friend who has been married 5 times, and wonders about women and has nothing good to say about them. Maybe, in my eyes, he kept picking the exact same type of woman, and he was exactly the same type of guy, every time! He’s 85 now and I’m sure when he was playing around with his models and hook ups felt as if he would live forever. He had a stroke recently and was completely alone. 
 

I am not trying to be dooms day about this but - time is absolutely essential. The most valuable thing alongside health. Health is just time, anyway. Longer to live. Time is the thing no one can buy or claw back. Use it wisely. You must have that ticking clock in your ears daily to some extent, to remind us our time is precious - make decisions wisely! Use it, wisely! Don’t give it away to people who don’t deserve it! 
 

x

The last sentence is very true! I've realized that as I'm getting older🙈

34 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You saying it's no biggie surprises me a little. When there is a kid involved it's a biggie in my opinion. Don't you remember, when I suggested the guy I was dating to meet my son after two month you said it was to early and we all conveyed this. Now if the relationships fails, his dad will not be able to afford this expensive apartment alone, he will have to move out again, and in my city, you don't find apartments that easily... it often take more than 3 month to find something. But as I know my ex husband, he will stay with his girl even if they don't get along well. (He did the same with me during 3 years until I decided to go). Just wanted to clarify, but not my thread, so I'll leave it there. 

I don't think Alex just wants a Ken in her Barbie house... If she wanted a man to provide for her, help her with her house or pay her bills, she would never have dated a broke guy. She would look for a more financially reliable guy. The reason why she invested in this guy and overlooked all the red flags in the beginning is because of her strong physical attraction to that guy IMO. When you are highly attracted to someone, it's easy to look past the flags. I think we all have been there at least once. I see her relationship with this guy more like a teenagers love story. You are all in, naive and rushing things because of your hormones and physical attraction. But intellectual and emotional compatibility aren't that important. 

I didn't have the impression that she was strongly attracted to him, but maybe I don't remember all the details that well.

I think she tends to get too 'excited' when she meets someone, and too carried away with the whole texting thing. I can relate to this to a certain extent but I also know it can be changed, if you work on yourself.

I truly hope the advice in this thread can help her.

I personally wouldn't trust her after the cat incident.

I think Alex should continue going on dates but she should be more picky and not waste time with men who don't make effort to see her, or just want to text forever without meeting up.