Starlight925

My thoughts are, why is it so important for you to analyze a relationship of a person you just met?

He gave up his relationship with his own family over this woman?

He still expresses this level of anger over messages, and yes, he went back to her after she treated him like dirt.

The fact that he simply won't talk to you about it is concerning.

Have you tried therapy?  Will he go to couples counseling?

I suspect there is a whole lotta stuff here to unpack, and yes, I see your frustration in living like this.  Since their child is 10, there are many more years ahead of this animosity.  

I wish there was such a thing as "Urgent Care Therapy" places for you, but in lieu of that, I highly recommend you find therapy, stat.

How old are the kids?  I ask, because it matters due to shared custody and amount of time he and she communicate.

You said that he angers very quickly.  Can you give an example or two?

John Gray (Mars & Venus) said that 90% of the time, an over expression of anger has little to do with the current incident, but from unexpressed anger from the past.

So, for example, a person who road rages, often has unmet anger expression needs from their past, etc.

The postcards, phone pics, etc. are just signs of their relationship.  Photos re-uploading to phone albums via Cloud storage is a real thing and has recently been addressed via a new Security update.  

They had a relationship, they had a past.  But, as @MissCanuck asked, are you afraid that he still has unresolved feelings for her?

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

 He is a POS, when you look at it, and not able to give me what I want. I deserve so much better than this. I have 5 other men who are interested in me. No joke!

No he is not a POS.

He showed you exactly who he is, and you bought it.  Hook, line, and sinker.

He's the Temu of men, all shiny and perfect until you uncover the layers.  You did, and you continued, and you've spent several posts here defending your situation with him.  He's so wonderful, he makes me feel so special, blah blah blah.

He's exactly who he was the first time you unhooked your bra for him.

He's not even planning on a divorce, and you knew this.

These 5 other men....any relationship prospects?  Or more FWB's?

Are you trying to humble-brag about how "hot" you are, that you have 5 men after you?

My advice is, stop with all the men.  The FWB's, the hookups, all of it.  Focus on therapy, on figuring out just why it is that you can't seem to spend one evening without these men fawning all over you.  

There, you'll find your peace.

Yes, yes, and yes to everything @yogacat said.

You are asking "why", and it's possibly that, through therapy, you'll figure it out.  I have some guesses, but that's not relevant, nor am I a therapist.

What is relevant is what others have said already, and I'll repeat:

You are holding your own self back by staying with him.

You are allowing this "mad, passionate chemistry" to keep yourself blocked.

You're 59?  Want to be 69 and still alone?  Because a friend of mine is in exactly that position now, closing in on 70.  She's so "in wuv" with the guy who does exactly what yours does:  keeps her at arm's length, compliments other women, waits for her to run to him for "hot passionate sex".  She will be SEVENTY on her next birthday.  Want to be like her?  Keep doing what you're doing.

I don't think you're addicted to the sex itself.

I think you're addicted to the feeling of being desired.

When a man wants sex with you, he tells you all these flowery things about how wonderful you are, how beautiful, special, sexy.  And oh, hey, let's jump in the sack.

Sure, you like the sex itself.  But for you, it's emotional.

You "can't" leave him because he fills your need to be desired.

Your husband filled that need every day, constantly, exhaustingly, telling you how beautiful you are.

You are here posting because this guy isn't filling that need at the moment, yet he's telling you that he feels that way about other, random women.  This gives you a huge insecurity, and you just want the pain to stop, you want him to say the things about these other women, about you.

But then he kisses you passionately, and you "feel" his desire for you.

He's your drug of choice.

How old is your son?  Sounds like he's an adult?

As @Batya33 pointed out, as an adult, he can make his own decisions.

Often, we experience different relationships with the same person.  So, while your experience with your MIL has been mostly negative, his has not, even if you view it from your lens as negative.  He does not.  Does that make sense?

I worry that you will drive a wedge between yourself and your son, and a deeper wedge with your MIL and possibly your husband. 

Do you want to be on one side alone, while the two of them have a great relationship without you?

Is this a bit of envy on your part?  You feel a certain way about her, and you want him to stand on your side and feel that same way; not only is he not standing with you, he's engaging with her, leaving you out?

Flat out disrespectful.

Even in a non-dating situation.  

If you're out with a same-sex friend for dinner, and that friend continually looks off at other people, it's a sign that they're not giving you full attention.  

That you're not as important as what/who they're looking at.

Me no likey.

First of all, congratulations!  Yay you!!

Secondly, I am so so sorry for the loss of your father.

As for the siblings who won't move around their busy schedules, well poo on them.  

Some people, you'll learn in life, as has been said above, can't, or won't, see outside themselves.  If it doesn't directly affect them, they have no interest.

Enjoy your day, throw your cap, and be proud of what you've done!

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

There are so many rules and policies and structures, but they are all so cold and strict.

I don't get the chance to be creative or innovative or build anything on my own in this new role. It's by the book. I was brought in to be a friendly face, a friendly contact, but I feel like a robot. 

She does marketing and it's so cold and again automated.

The above 3 points are her decisions, her business, and what she wants is someone to follow her strict procedures and guidelines.

This is what it is.  Period, full stop.

Stop trying to turn each job into something else.

You know this from your first weeks here.  This is how it is.  

Stop trying to create clever marketing, etc.  She doesn't want this.

She owns the business.  You do not.

I think you all are wrong here.

You should not have posted asking for money, even though it was a joke.

He should not have asked for your CashApp to send you money.

You should have declined once he did.

Boyfriend over reacted.

But if I had to go with the least wrong?  Boyfriend.

Me?  I'd end it immediately.

Lying for me is a 1-time offense.

Also, for me, 15 years age difference is too much.

You do you boo, but you asked for opinions, so that's mine.

I meant that the post sounds like Spam.  Like advertising.  
 

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I just feel like no one is prioritizing friendship or really seeing each other. It's like they are all out for themselves. 

They are prioritizing their children over their friendships.  This is very true.  And it's as it should be.

Lives change, and we must adapt to those changes.

These are the friends of your youth.  They will probably move into the seldom-see category, but if you act with grace, they will be forever friends.  Just not the close 3 Musketeers of your younger selves.

As for being an Auntie, all that sounds so fun, until the baby comes, new mommy hasn't slept in weeks, baby is always hungry, dirty, crying, doctor visits...and the movie star version of 3 best friends being Auntie's to each other's children goes out the window.  Gwyneth Paltrow isn't starring in this version.

Give these friends the grace they deserve.

And yes, if you want to be in a child's life, it's up to you to make the effort, not the worn out mom.

I've watched dozens of women, including my family members, become moms, so I'll say this once:  

         How DARE you judge the way they mother their children.

Are you advertising for one?

You don't need to tell him you lost interest, because he's already beaten you to it.

He lost interest in you.

He ogles other women, he does not care about your safety, he tells you he wants no commitment.

That, my friend, is a man who has no interest.

Years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after a trip back to his hometown because I told him he was never going to propose (I wanted him to), and we were DONE as far as I was concerned.

He convinced me to stay with him, and a week later, he put together a beach picnic for us, where he proposed.  I was like, oh no you don't buddy, not because I threatened to break up with you.

He then gave me his grandmother's ring, which he said had been digging into his sock the entire trip home to his family.  

I know this is a different story from yours, but turns out, I was borrowing trouble.  Don't borrow trouble.

As a good friend always says:  "Don't borrow trouble".

In other words, all this worry about a receipt you found, when nothing has happened with it.

Maybe he bought it for a year from now?  Maybe he hasn't proposed yet because he has the same feelings you do, that he wants to wait?  Maybe he wants to propose tonight?  

We know none of these answers, so it's best to pretend you didn't just "come across it" (honestly, were you looking???).

I get why you're hurt.

Mom moving to another country is a permanent move, and it's easy to take it as a move away from you, when I bet she has very personal reasons for wanting her own fresh start.

Something I read about parenting really struck me:

   "While I was growing up, I didn't realize that my parents were growing up too."

Have you had a heart-to-heart with your mom about this?  About the way you feel?  Not in an angry way, not in a "why are you leaving me" way, but about your feelings?  She may not realize the depth of your feelings and your desire to keep her physically close.

The first season I watched was Trista & Ryan, so I've had these rose-colored glasses on ever since.

Trista faced a ton of early internet snark during her season.  She was a Miami Heat (basketball team) dancer, and all the buzz was that she was only doing this for fame.  She kept saying that all she really wanted was to be a wife and a soccer mom.  In the end, she chose the humblest of all guys, Firefighter Ryan, had 2 kids, and has stuck by him through his terrible illness of several years.

So I keep waiting for that next magical season, but it's been so few & far between.

I had high hopes for this one, him being a widower, this "great guy" who lost his great love.

Turns out, he was a liar, a cheat, and simply not a nice guy.

At the heart of this, Alex, is an unhealthy relationship with your mother.

This isn't about ingredients, or baking, or slaving.

It's about your mother only dripping out affection to you as she sees fit, and because you can never get quite the amount of love, respect, or caring from her that you truly desire, it feels as though the attention she gives to this girlfriend is love that you are supposed to get.

I get it, I promise.  I had a very difficult relationship with my own mother, who couldn't be bothered to attend my college graduation.  But when my sister barely graduated from high school (she had to check the day of graduation to make sure she was on the list), my mother scrambled us all, making us wait until the last minute, then driving like mad to support her as she graduated last in her class, only because the teachers were tired of her.

The only way through this is, and I believe it's been said 10,000 times on your pages:

  Change the dynamic with your mother.  Move her to the periphery of your life.  Cut the time of your calls in half; cut the number of calls to half.  The visits.  Cut them all down to where it's maybe 20% of what it was, and don't even say anything to her about it.  Just be "so so busy" that sorry mom, gotta go.

I'm telling you, that's the only way I got through my life with my mom (now deceased).

I got it down to one Sunday call per week, one hour.  She'd go on and on, and at the 1 hour mark (yes, I checked the time), I'd have X, Y, or Z that I had to get to.  Love you so much mom!  Miss you so much!!  Can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving!  Bye for today!

There are actually 24 couples still together from The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

Re:  Dating locally with better results?  Two shows have tried and failed miserably:  Love is Blind and Married At First Sight.  Both of these shows are filmed in a certain city, so all people are from that city.

Heck, on this recent season of Married At First Sight (Denver, CO), 4 of the 5 couples lived together for 8 weeks but never consummated.  

Regarding the 24 couples still together from The Bachelor franchise:  It sounds good until you analyze it.  24 years....YEARS of this show, as the first one was 2000, and many offshoots of the franchise (Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, people from one season getting together with someone from another)....

So yeah, going on TV to meet your soulmate is a distant possibility.

The comment to his girlfriend about the weight has been repeated many times, and he has never disputed it. 
  He is a broke janitor who put himself out as a “restaurateur”.  Truth is, he owned a local fast food hamburger place, but went out of business and took odd jobs, which is where he met this woman.  While he was married.  She has texts to prove it all. 
   Nothing wrong with being a maintenance person, it’s the lying.  Teresa, his Golden Bachelor wife, has done very well and still works in finance.  It’s long been theorized that her money was his reason for picking her. 
  I believe she did fall in love, but it was only after the wedding that all the truths about him came out. 
  He love bombed her and got her down the aisle lightning fast, before she had time to blink. 
  

Color me surprised….not. 
When all of the truths about “good guy Gerry” started coming out, I gave this a short time. 
  Gerry is a liar, a cheat, and  just not a nice guy.  

He broke up with a woman just prior to the show, telling her she was too fat to attend his high school reunion, as she had gained 10 lbs.

 This was the woman he cheated on his wife before she passed, the same wife he cried over on the show to melt America’s hearts.  

I always make separate batches of everything, including duplicate items, for my SIL, who is gluten free (celiac disease).

I'll buy separate ingredients, use separate dishes, separate mixing spoons, separate plates, because I don't want her to have to miss out.

Never once have I considered it "slaving".  

Nor have I cared if she ate it in front of me.  Never even noticed.  What I did notice is that she always thanks me.

I've missed out on a lot of martyrdom.  I'm starting today, seems like fun.