poorlittlefish

Women are not going to know (or care) about your penis size until they're actually in bed with you. To get to that point, your personality, values and interests will be (or should be, for anyone decent) the most important thing. Please place less value on physical and material attributes and work more on being a nice person with healthy attitudes. 

Also in relation to health, most women would probably feel uncomfortable with your past sexual history. Keep it to yourself and get yourself tested before you get intimate with anyone you are interested in. 

Your wife is getting her excitement outside of your marriage with a younger guy who you know is into her.  If he's not been into her - quite literally - already, then it will happen on this "betterment" trip.  She can "better herself" without spending time abroad doing date-like activities with a toy boy.  Your wife is keeping you tagging along in the background while she gets more than appropriately friendly with another man.  If you allow her to continue having her cake and eating it, I don't see how your marriage stands a chance.

I've not used Tinder, so I don't know the intricacies of how it works, but a few months back a guy on another site sent me a 'like' and I recognised him as being the mechanic from the garage I'd been to a couple of times.  When I'd gone there, he and I had chatted loads and I thought there had been mutual attraction.  I sent him a 'like' back, followed by a brief message about the chats we'd previously had.  I got zero reply.  This told me that he wasn't actually interested that way after all.  If you send this guy an indication that you like him on Tinder, then whether or not he replies will be your answer.  It may be less embarrassing than asking him in person and getting rejected.

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Have you told him this?

In passing, yes.  I literally said that I felt he wanted some kind of porn star and I couldn't be that person.  Unsurprisingly he just denied that was what he wanted.  I am going to try and talk to him about how this has been making me feel and if he is not responsive to my needs then I will have to break things off.

I've started dating someone who, like me, has been on his own for a few years.  I accept that he will have been/is watching porn, but it's not something I want brought into my life.  We have started having sex and he has already put his hand around my throat, gone to stick a finger up my backside, slapped me and made me 'talk dirty' during it.  I am not comfortable with any of this and feel it is the porn influencing it.  I told him 'no' for a couple of those things and he stopped.  He refers to our intimacy as f*cking me, which I find disrespectful, yet away from sex he is very sweet and caring towards me. 

I'm getting frustrated because I'm getting nothing out of this sex.  If he tries to stimulate me (only for a few seconds) he's way too heavy-handed for it to be pleasurable and I've had to ask him to be more gentle with my breasts too, because he's caused bruises.  I've never experienced this before.  He's younger than me and I feel that he's expecting our intimacy to mirror porn.  There's only been one man who's been able to make me orgasm through penetration alone, so I know I need to use my hand during sex, but now I feel ashamed and inadequate doing that and he wants to "flip me over" before I've had a chance to get anywhere.

Outside of the bedroom I really like this guy, but I'm finding it so difficult to express my needs.  I don't want to split up with him, but I fear he will get bored or fed up with me if I continue being unable/unwilling to respond like someone in a porn movie.  How do I get over this?!

This guy is 48, not 14.  He has enough life experience to know that gawping at other women in front of the one he's supposed to be on a date with is disrespectful behaviour.  He is not at the mercy of his primal emotions; he can exercise control over whether he ogles but chooses not to.  I have had first dates with men who've done this and they never got a second. 

If he wants to check out other women he can do that when he's not in your company.  I've never done this when I've been on a date and if I'm in a relationship with someone, I don't check out other men full stop.

So you haven't had sex yet, but surely you've made out a bit, if only on top of clothing? If so, she already knows and obviously hasn't been put off. Even if you are on the smaller side, there are plenty of other men like that and maybe her previous partners have been. Bigger definitely isn't always better. 

On 4/18/2024 at 6:31 PM, catfeeder said:

As a go-forward, one way of handling money that works well to keep couples out of money fights is the three account method: His, Hers and Ours. You both create a budget together, then each contributes to the Ours account monthly according to an agreed percentage of income. So whoever earns more would contribute more, according to those percentages. The Ours account includes all shared expenses and investments. The remainder of one's income goes into one's own account, to be saved or spent as one wishes--without input or approval from the other.

So each spends as they wish from their own accounts, and this can cover gifts to one's own extended family or any personal spends. This ensures that neither can accuse the other of 'wasting' money as long as the Ours account is satisfied.

Exactly this. When I was married we had something very similar, paying a set percentage of our take-home pay into a joint account to cover bills, home improvements etc. If we built a surplus, it would be used to fund a holiday. The arrangement worked very well and neither of us had to feel guilty about treating ourselves as we still had our separate accounts too. 

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I need to ask: Are you sure the ring is for you? And not something he bought way before for some other woman he dated before?

That was what I was thinking.  Did you check the date on the receipt, OP, and did it actually specify it was an engagement ring?  If he's hiding the receipt, you'd think he'd hide the ring with it?

Your boyfriend sounds like he has no compassion whatsoever for other living things, be it human or animal.  That's not a trait I'd want from someone I'm sharing my life with.

15 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You just simply don't accept her answer and tell her that. If it comes down to it, give her an ultimatum. 

Surely you don't mean forcing her to accept a sex act? Giving an ultimatum seems rather harsh and unlikely to achieve a positive response/outcome. 

If you're going to use online dating, you need to develop a thick skin and learn not to take rejection personally.  I don't reply to 99% of the messages/likes I receive because of all sorts of reasons.  Yes, I may not find the guy attractive, but he may live too far away, participate in hobbies I don't care for, seem illiterate etc etc.  Similarly, if I message a guy, it's almost never that I receive a reply.  If I got bitter and twisted from all that, I'd end up like the OP.

What puts me off otherwise promising men is what they sometimes write in their profiles. I see men writing a big list of things they're not interested in and it's obvious they're describing their exes.  If they have sarcastic comments about what they are or are not looking for, it's a red flag.  If you have a similar list of unrealistic requirements, delete them.  

If you want to be a kind and decent boyfriend, then being an "alpha male" or mean to girls shouldn't even be on your radar.  Girls whose heads are screwed on right will be attracted to the complete opposite.  This applies to sex too, so don't believe that girls want what you see in porn.  Treating them like that will result in physical/mental harm and maybe a sexual assault charge.

I don't think you can agree to be in an exclusive relationship, but keep your profile up on dating sites where other potential mates will 'like' you and send you messages.  I'm all for freedom of choice and leaving the ball in her court, but I'm surprised she didn't make the decision there and then.  

I'd be notifying the cops because what she's doing adds up to harassment/stalking.  If you're in the UK then sending someone unsolicitied pornographic images is also a criminal offence (I don't know if there are similar laws elsewhere).  If nothing else, a little knock on her door from the boys in blue might be enough to dissuade her from continuing her campaign of abuse.

I suspect girls are put off by your arrogance.

This woman is 55 years old, so she will either have been through menopause or is going through it.  At that stage of life, it is very common for women's interest in sex to diminish or go completely because of the changes in hormone levels etc.  I think you may need to bear that in mind.

Your mother should want you to be happy, not settle for anything less.  There are millions of men in the world and she thinks that not one of them would be suitable/interested in you??!  Contrary to her opinion, many men want to spend their time with an intelligent woman, capable of decent conversation and able to stand on her own two feet.  Do not listen to your mother; she is not really thinking of your best interests on this matter.

He's been feeding you crumbs and you've been accepting them.  This guy just wants to dangle you on the end of his string for whenever he has nothing better to do and you allow him to.  You've got to the point where you're checking when he's online and waiting by your window, hoping for a glimpse of him as he drives past.  You are literally feeding yourself the crumbs he can't even be bothered to give you.

My ex would ignore me and in the beginning I would be desperate to speak to him.  When I realised it was a pathetic game I would block him, which forced him to find me in person if he wanted to explain his behaviour and resume our relationship.  Even this was a massive waste of time and emotional upheaval for me and when I came to my senses, he was gone for good.  Please block and delete this guy, then find yourself someone who is actually interested in you.

I'd leave the relationship if I were you.  I spent 5 years with someone with ASD and the verbal abuse got worse and worse.  It massively damaged my self esteem.  Whether he can help it or not, don't put yourself through it.

I've been on dates where I've barely got a word in edgways because the guy hasn't stopped going on about himself.  Maybe she's had experiences like that, she was surprised it was different with you and now she's second-guessing herself.

I guess you are against abortion?  

This guy has a 9-year-old child at the age of 56.  As he already was an older dad maybe he won't be as shocked as you think and given that you had lots of unprotected sex, he actually shouldn't be shocked at all.

I think you're making a rod for your own back with all these gestures. Your girlfriend may have come to expect them, giving you no way to reduce/stop without upsetting her.

It all sounds a bit one-sided, like you feel the need to put her on a pedestal. You are just as worthy of being treated nicely and you shouldn't need to overcompensate to "keep" someone. 

In my experience, anyone who cancels a first date is unlikely to be sufficiently interested and won't be reliable.  Two times in recent weeks I've had the frustration of someone cancelling or stalling for pretty pathetic reasons and I told them they weren't going to be right for me, just as you did.  The difference was that I immediately deleted and blocked them because I no longer have any tolerance for being messed about or listening to excuses.  Set better standards for yourself.