boltnrun

I'm so sorry.

I had to have my girl kitty put down about 2 1/2 years ago. I still miss her every day.

Apparently it's no longer common practice for medical professionals to actually examine you anymore! She didn't put a hand on me. Not once.

However...she was aghast the other (bad) doctor I saw didn't order an A1C test along with the blood glucose. Well, that's because that other doctor didn't believe me! She thought I was making it all up until she saw the test results. So this one ordered an A1C test. Also ordered a sleep study. She thinks I may be exhausted all the time because I might have sleep apnea. 

When I met my husband (in college, we lived in the same dorm), we had many in person conversations prior to getting romantically involved. Of course that was before cell phones and the wheel and fire were invented 😆, but I guess that would be the stone age equivalent of a text or phone conversation before deciding to meet and date.

Same with other men I've had relationships with. Multiple phone and in person conversations before it turned romantic/physical. And I didn't find any of them on a dating site but rather met them in other ways, primarily at events we both participated in. I met one boyfriend because his dad's company was a vendor of the company I worked for and he came by frequently to do business. 

If I were dating nowadays using a dating site I would want a phone convo before meeting. However I don't plan to use dating sites when I am eventually ready to date. I'll probably go to events and join activity groups. 

What doesn't fit into the potential medical diagnosis theory is her mother saying she's always been like this.

However it is entirely possible she has some undiagnosed medical condition. It's good she is under the care of a doctor. 

Sorry, but this sounds like an excuse to keep seeing her.

Let me give you a heads up on what's likely to happen. You'll insist you still need to see the puppy. So you ask her to let you see it. She may fight you on this until she sees it as a golden opportunity. She might act as sweet as she was in the beginning to get you to soften towards her. She may even entice you into having some mind blowing sex. Then when she thinks she has you hooked again she'll go back to being the real her. You'll be hoping somehow it'll all work out so you'll stick around. Maybe even do things for her to get her to be nice again. But it's a game to her. She's either a really awful person or she's got something wrong with her that convinces her you deserve this treatment. So she'll keep it up until you're such a mess you can't tell which way is up. 

Ask me how I know this, BTW.

There was a thread that got deleted here because it was too upsetting. But it was written by a man who also couldn't pull himself away from a toxic woman because he was convinced he "loved" her and that he could somehow find a way to get her to be nice to him again. Let's just say it ended very badly.

With the thousands of women in the world, why attach yourself to a toxic one?

If you really want a pet, look into how you can move somewhere that allows pets. 

Someone I know has 6,000 Facebook friends. In fact, he had to go to Facebook tech support and ask them to allow him to add more friends because they put a limit at 3,000 or something. No way can he be close to 6,000 people, but I guess he likes seeing a big number or something.

I always had a lot of friends but I define "a lot" as maybe two dozen. Not hundreds! Now, as an older lady, I have a handful of close friends. I tend to value my family more now that I'm older.

As for romantic relationships, I've dialed back on those as well, especially since I had some form of connection from age 18 to age 48-ish, with hardly a break in between. I am not pursuing that currently although in time that could change. I enjoy doing things alone as well as with one or two friends or family members.

So in summary, I think it's OK to take some time to reflect on what it is you really want from interpersonal connections. Just try to make sure you're not actually withdrawing due to depression or any other health issues.

I'm curious, how did you go about telling the man during the phone call that you didn't want to meet him?

Abusive people never act abusive in the beginning. If they did they would never get anyone to agree to be in a relationship with them.

And it works like a charm. You're emotionally attached to her so you're hoping to "understand" her behavior so you can give yourself permission to remain in the relationship. Bipolar? Depressed? Stressed? BPD? Not her fault, she's "hurting", and that means you can't leave her because what kind of monster leaves a woman when she's in such pain?

It's all calculated BS to get you to stick around so she can continue to enjoy berating you. Yes, she does too enjoy it! That's precisely why she does it.

Alternatively, she could just be acting so badly so she can get you to leave her. Maybe she met someone at her horse stable hobby or at work or in her neighborhood or whatever. And she doesn't want to be the "bad guy". She gets you to breakup with her and she gets to lament about how she just doesn't know why you left wonderful little her!

Neither of these possibilities sounds warm and fuzzy, do they? 

If you don't like being treated this way you have the option to leave the relationship. Again, you are not required to remain in a relationship with anyone. You are free to go. 

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

I was in contact with a broad

😆

It doesn't matter if her behavior is "normal" or why she's an insufferable PITA to be around. All that matters is, do you want to commit to a lifetime of this? If not, please realize it's not mandatory for you to remain in a relationship with anyone let alone someone who inflicts misery on everyone around her.

You can leave at any time. 

Do you think it's your fault he treats you poorly?

I can't believe they didn't even tell you. I would be furious if I had given up my previous home and packed everything up and moved it all only to find out the house didn't even have the basics.

One time when I moved they installed a new toilet that same day but that was no big deal. The guy was finishing up when I got there. 

Ugh, moving and then getting settled in is always such a nightmare. Add in long distance and it quadruples. 

It would have been nice if you had been notified ahead of time the house wasn't ready!

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not. I think in most states at least in US it’s riskier financially from all I can see. Unless I guess there are airtight legal type documents. Have no idea. Never wrote or meant it was required to be married to buy property with a significant other. Of course it’s not. 

I agree that "required" wasn't the right word for me to use. Maybe "preferable"?  Or "wiser"?

My cousin has been with her partner for over 25 years. They own two homes together. They are not married. I think buying separate properties hasn't even occurred to them. But their commitment to one another is clear and obvious.

OP, based on what you've written your boyfriend's commitment to your future together doesn't match yours. You say he mentions being together but has he said "Yes, I intend for us to get married"?

If he told you he wants to buy separate properties and he won't commit to marrying you, would you choose to remain in this relationship?

I don't know that it's required to be married to purchase property together. I never wanted to get married (but did, and then got divorced 15 years later!) but I have always wanted to own a home. Sadly, I have never accomplished this.

However, it seems like you do indeed want to get married to your boyfriend. Do you feel that buying a home together is a progressive step that will lead to marriage? If so, I agree that it isn't really a great idea, especially since there doesn't seem to be any concrete plans to get married. 

I would definitely confirm with your boyfriend that a marriage is going to happen. And if he waffles or deflects or says "someday", I advise you don't proceed with buying a property together. 

If they hassle me about not completing my trainings I'll just tell them I planned to complete them on April 31st.

I received drawings from the outsourced engineering firm years ago at a different job. The drawings were all date stamped "February 31st".

🙄😆🤣

Someone in the EHS department sent an email notifying us that training classes have been assigned and the due date is April 31st. 🤣😆

Just for the record, I didn't know he was smoking crack when I got into a relationship with him. About a year and change in there was an incident and that was when he confessed to me. I thought about it for a while and then I decided I just couldn't have someone like that around my child. I loved him but I'm a mom and that has to come first. He never mistreated me. He actually was pretty good to me even though he apparently was using drugs. But I just couldn't be around him. 

Drugs=bad. 

My first psychologist told me something that I remember to this day and she said it over 15 years ago. She asked me who the most important person in my life is and I immediately said "my child!" And she said no, it's me. She asked "If your health is suffering, how are you going to take care of your child?" And I realized she was right.

Sure, maybe everyone "deserves to be loved", but if he won't take care of himself how is he supposed to be a good partner to anyone?

I just found out an ex of mine suffered a stroke. He was a drug addict who smoked crack and pot. I'm not surprised he's having health issues. This man is only 58. He should be healthy but isn't, due to his drug use.  He also spent years in prison due to stealing to support his habit. He has no contact with his two children either, again due to his drug habit. This didn't need to happen. 

People, please stay off of hard drugs. And limit use of alcohol. Tell your kids.

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Congrats!!!!

Thanks, although I haven't accomplished anything yet other than bookmark the sign up website!

So people in my area primarily seem to use Nextdoor to complain. One thing they constantly complain about is crime and the lack of police presence. But then they post things like "Why is there a ghetto bird flying over my neighborhood??!!" or "I was down at the Shore and there were so many cops! What's going on?" Well, you said you want more police presence! Make up your mind!

I agree, he's not "forgetting" to seek help. He's either hoping it goes away by itself or he's hoping YOU forget about it. Which is not realistic. Burying one's head in the sand is not an effective method to treat medical conditions.

If he CHOOSES to continue to refuse (yes, refuse) treatment you are well within your rights to also choose to step away. As I said before, you count too. 

BTW, while I have a hard time believing anyone would willingly choose to be mentally ill, sometimes the core issues are so disturbing they would rather they remain buried. My depression and anxiety were deeply rooted in my horrific childhood. Digging into those memories isn't fun. But neither is being mentally ill.

I keep using the analogy of cancer. Treatment for cancer is no picnic but when the alternative is no longer being alive people make the hard choices. 

As a person suffering from severe mental illness I would not respond well to an ultimatum or to being told to put on my "big girl pants". It would make me feel even worse, like being depressed is my fault (would you say the same thing if your partner was diagnosed with cancer?)  I've had well meaning people make jokes in an attempt to get me to "lighten up", and I've had people tell me that others have it worse. Or tell me "What do YOU have to be depressed about??"  None of that motivated me to seek help. I had to decide that on my own. 

Now, with the new information you provided about him self medicating with alcohol, I do think expressing concern about  that is not out of line. 

I would personally respond better to something like "I'm concerned about you. I've seen you drink as a way to deal with stress and I feel that's not healthy. I do care about you but I'm struggling with seeing you not doing well. It's affecting me in a negative way. I think stepping away to allow you a chance to get healthy is what's best for me." 

If he's truly depressed it's much worse than anyone can imagine. It's not just having a down day or feeling sad for a bit. It's profound, deep seeded despair beyond description. He can't snap out of it and you can't make him "lighten up". 

I have depression and have been in treatment for almost four years. I can't even fathom trying to be in a relationship anytime soon.

If he was being treated for cancer, something you could see, perhaps you would see it differently.

However, it's fair for you to feel you aren't up to being in a relationship with someone who's profoundly depressed. You count too, you know!

If you can't see yourself remaining with him while he attempts to deal with his medical condition (which it is) you are well within your rights to gently tell him you are stepping away from the relationship.