d346

as I mentioned before, you are young and definitely have a right to not be ready.

However, the problem I see here is that you live together, and you both have different expectation of what that means. Did you discuss what was going to happen when you moved in together? While it may have meant one thing to you, to her it obviously meansa step towards marriage -actually THE STEP leading shortly to marriage. So while some people on this board say you don't owe her any timeline -she thinks that you do. That is not going to go away by waiting for her to grow up a little.

Unfortunately this wasn't discovered before you moved in, and I know from experience that something will have to change if you want to prevent disaster, or extreme discomfort. Honestly, I think you'll have either to change your living situation, or propose in a year or so. If you guys are fighting and she's withholding sex now, do you really think she or you can make it 2-3 more years? And did she know that she was going to be living together unmarried for 3? Probably not.

I

hmmm...all very interesting.

Victor here's some advice.-from a girl who has been waiting and waiting for that proposal herself. Don't get me wrong, I think you guys are very young -but sometimes people feel that when it's right, it's right, and age doesn't matter. (unless you're a teenager, that is!) That being said, she may say she can wait, but it will come up again, and again, and again. Essentially she doesn't understand why you don't want to take that leap of faith, ESPECIALLY if you know how much it all means to her.

The worst thing that can happen is you guys go your separate ways because "the timing was off" that seems too ridiculous or a shame. Since you do live together, she will probably never lay off, especially as more and more people get engaged...it's inevitable. The best thing you can do is have a talk with her and discuss a timetable. a specfic one. You should tell her you need 6 months for xyz, or a year for xyz, and then you'll be ready. You have the right to not be ready, but I do think you owe her a time frame. That probably is the only way she will be comfortable continuing. Since yes, you guys are young and should enjoy each other, but now that this has been on the table, it really won't go away. But if you talk about specifics I guarantee she will be more willing (and much more comfortable) to wait.

definitely do not contact him. He asked for space and you have to give it to him to "figure" this out. Contacting him will do nothing good, in fact may frustrate him, and the next thing you know, he needs more than a month!

Now don't get me wrong, I think it is a bunch of bull...needing to be on your own to figure things out (about a relationship that involves 2 people). My boyfriend did this to me this summer. he needed 2 weeks...maybe longer, and he didn't know "how he felt about things". I was a mess...i thought, what the **** does that mean? I was a wreck, wondering if he was going to come back to me wanting to break it off for good. i couldn't eat, sleep, I started smoking ( not for too long!) Anyway, he was confused, and overwhelmed by our fighthing, and my relentless demands to know what was going on. Essentially he bailed. during those two weeks he just unwound, didn't even think about "us" and that really pissed me off. when I did see him he had no resolution. so I told him that I deserved happiness and if I found it elsewhere then that's what's meant to be) He agreed, but within a week, he started calling me wanting to work through things and try again. when he wanted a break I was practically begging him to work on things. When he still didn't know, I was strong and kept my distance. It wasn't until then that he became scared of losing me and realized what I meant to him.

things are now good between us -we have since resolved some issues we had. But I truly believe this is only permissable once. I don't want to be in a relationship where my significant other walks away, or threatens to do so every time something seems amiss.

As for you, definitely do everything suggested...keep busy, etc. etc. i know though, it's so hard. I couldn't even sleep through the night and woke up with a pit in my stomach, I missed him so much.

But...this is YOUR time -to figure out what you want. It's ok to get a little mad that he deserted you. And if he comes back wanting to make things work, what do you want? You should have a list of things that YOU need to talk to HIM about, because this is your relationship too. That way, it won't happen again, and you don't become a doormat in all this. You were fighting -so maybe now you should think why -and maybe what it is that he needs to work on as well.

good luck. Trust me -it will get better, even though it seems like everything is falling apart right now.

I have no specific advice, since I totally hear you! (and I picked up that book and read the marriage section TO MY BOYFRIEND in the bookstore.)

Anyway, apparently even Gisele can't get a man to marry her! I heard a rumor that she walked out, had enough of waiting for Leo!

ok, I've been through a breakup wiht a guy who got all wishy washy like that (we're now back together)

Honestly, the best thing you can do is to disappear -leave him alone, and avoid him. You've done everything you can, to convince hime otherwise, but it didn't work. I know you love him, and he obviously loves you. -But for some reason he's confused. We both know that the "I don't have anything more to give you" bit is ridiculous...but he is either confused or truly believes that. He needs to be truly alone to realize how silly that is. It may take a while, but let him figure that out (on his own) and he'll either come back to you (and if he figures it out ON HIS OWN, without you convincing him, he'll NEVER pull it on you again) or, if not, it's not meant to be -and you'll find someone who DOES have everything to give you.

I know you want to continue to see him, because he is your best friend. Just remember though...although he is not doing this maliciously, friends don't dump you. They don't disappear. A good friend shouldn't. (friendship can be an offshoot of a failed relationship, but not until after the wounds are healed-otherwise you just fool yourself, hoping he'll realize what a wonderful girlfriend you could be.)

Trust me, people get confused -but no matter how much you try to convince them -if it's not truly their decision y to salvage the relationship, they'll probably try to leave you again. You don't want to deal with that later.

My best advice to avoid him, and get angry! No one should give you up! Just remember to keep your head up and keep your self-respect. No woman should beg for a man. It should be the other way around! lol! -and trust me, if you keep your distance, he may...because apparently the feelings are there, but he's a little messed up in the head right now!

Cry to your girlfiends, retreat to your parents house for a weekend, rent women empowering movies. But around him, keep your chin up -just be civil when you see him. You don't have to smile and act like you're 100%...although it wouldn't hurt.

I know, it hurts. I wouldn't ask this upon my worst enemies. But trust me it will get better. Think of it this way...the more you hang on, and try to salvage a frienship out of it all, the more you prolong the hurt. He'll never figure out his crap...and you'll be prolonged in that horrible horrible limbo stage

good luck!

any heart-warming stories out there?

Hi,

I've come to a crossroads in my relationship. I love my boyfriend of 3.5 years dearly. He is the most important person in my life, next to my family. But the past year we have been fighting about marriage. I'm ready, he is not.

I have discovered that it is important to me. sharing common goals, working together as a team -being a family. I very much look forward to it. He had recently told me that he is beginning to think that way to -and in 6-8 mos, he will be ready to propose. Since, there has been an outing were some of my family members badgered him about it, and I didn't come to his rescue (I admitted my guilt and apologized) and he is turned off by the whole thing now. He says he feels too pressured for something he may not be ready for.

I have waited, and waited -we've even broken up once, -to get back together, and now I still wait. we've come to a conclusion that our time frames are off, and maybe we want different things right now. I can't help but think if he doesn't want to commit to a future with me after 3.5 years, when will he? and will the resentment begin to escalate?

Sooooooo. My question is: If we go our separate ways, because we want separate things right now -will I be able to find love again? I am attractive and smart, but admit that I'll be very lonely, as most of my friends are about to get engaged. I'm not sure how or if I ever will meet the one again. I"m torn over what to do.

How many of you found that great guy after a devestating breakup?

ok, will do. Thanks for the advice.

I guess I'm on edge when we argue, since he has a tendency to retreat, and that usually leads NO communication. And I really can't handle that. At least he agreed to meet up tomorrow over lunch. I didn't have to convince him.

any other suggestions out there?

in light of it all, I should have protected him. I have in the past. I really didn't see it at the time. She interrogates me to no end. I didn't realize he was angry until he told me later.

At the same time, some of the things he brought up against her were ludicrous. Things that she never said, and I think to a point, he's being very insecure. When she asked about his job, there was no judgement. Yet he is very unhappy with his job, so perhaps he saw it as her hounding him about it.

ugh, what a mess.

Hi there.

i've posted here before. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but we've gone through a rocky patch. He broke up with me this past summer, because he was scared of marriage, I was upset, a month or so later, he realized what he wanted, what a jerk he was, etc. etc.

the most recent ups and downs with us have been regarding marriage, but we've powered through that. I have been ready for some time, and he needed to feel more solid financially, and really grow up a bit. He has recently told me he's seeing his life fall into place and he wants me in it -and in 6 mo. he'll be ready to propose.

Ok, parents. They used to love him. but then we broke up, I came home in tears. I was devistated. -once we got back together, they were ok about it, but were pressing about marriage -that I shouldn't be with him if he was going to flake out on me again. That has been tremendous pressure, and I think has added to my insecurities, and probably has led to me freaking out on him from time to time.

well this weekend the parents came to town...and over dinner, over a bottle of wine, my mother TORE into him. She didn't yell exactly, but has this running joke about getting a hit man out on him (for hurting me), and she said he owed her a turkey -(because they were going to spend Thanksgiving with us last year, but he pulled all that crap, and we broke up for a couple of days (the november before the big breakup) well, in the midst of that I had to call home and tell the 'rents not to come, because we were having problems. -they were not pleased, to say the least.

so, let's see, she also asked what his game plan is, regarding marriage... she also asked him other questions, which weren't insulting, but I think in the context of it all, he took offense, -like asking about his job was and what his game plan was (since he doesn't like his job, and is looking for another right now). Honestly, she's a VERY strong willed person, and I'm used to this, However, she comes on really strong because loves me to death (I'm her only) and just wants to make sure this guy gets his life in gear and doesn't mess around with me. Anyway, so I didn't see it as so bad (I was also drinking wine and was pretty giddy) The boyfriend grinned and beared it, and offered to pay for dinner.

the next day, I find out he's livid with me. (dinner was saturday) he thinks she was putting him down, disrespectful etc. etc. He hung up on me because he was so angry. Called me naive to think that she wasn't trying to manipulate him and poke fun at him. I called home, and told my mom, (she was surprised, and of course is indignant and says he's lucky she gave him another chance) My father, who was there -can see why he was upset, but is so used to my mother, didn't think to stop her. I didn't either. I sent him an email Monday, apologizing for her behavior, yet refuting the fact that she meant ill-will. (He implied she was a bad person) He hasn't spoken to me since Sunday night, -and I called to see if we can talk, and we're meeting up thursday (he's not ready today -he says he still hasn't cooled off, or I won't like what he says)

how do I smooth this out? I am prepared to power through having a boyfriend and mother who dislike one another, but what is the best thing I can say to him to assure him that the three of us weren't trying to corner him. My mother is just a domineering woman. His parents are no picnic either, and they're local! He's consistenly angry for them pushing him around. Anyway, I am a mess right now, -that he doesn't want to talk to me because of my mother. My lack of intervention was by no means an attempt to trap him -it wasn't collusion...I just am used to it, and thought she was joking around, yet pressing his buttons a bit. My family is VERY open about things. His is not. Not to mention, He knows a lot of people in his life (family, etc. that try to manipulate him) I apologized, and I don't think I should be punished for it. He knows I am not a bad person!!! I hate it when he abandons me like this when he is mad. (that's an issue too) I have been a wreck that he hasn't called. the last thing I need right now is another lame "break" over something like this. I wont' stand for it! we need to work throug things, not walk away! (maybe I'm jumping the gun here and freaking out)

hmmm...you work part-time to spend time with him and tidy the house, and you aren't even married with kids yet?! -No wonder you're frustrated! You've revolved everything around him, and he's not ready!! Don't get me wrong, I'm very ready for marriage myself, but at your young age, you really need to focus on your career, and your interests -'cause the marriage and the kids aren't happening right now! And I'm fairly certain tidying up the house for him isn't going to get you there any sooner! Of course you're frustrated! -you've given up a piece of yourself and your life for the relationship, a sacrifice to make him happy -and he's coasting in status quo.

You're 24 -be independent! Trust me -you will have your family by 30 if this guy is the one -and if you focus on developing yourself, you'll be sooo much happier -soo much more fulfilled. And trust me, much much more appealing to him!

he may be a few years older than you, but he clearly is still interested in being a 20-something. You can't push him to have children, because if he's not truly ready, one day he may up and leave -because he's overwhelemed or confused. He's probably nervous to get married, because as you've already told him that that will immediately mean kids. That's is definitely your choice, and a legitimate one -but it's a lot to take on in a short period of time -a HUGE change. Some people are married 5 years before they begin a family.

I have been on avianne/alesse for a year now. I switched from Desogen/Apri because I had a low libido.

No side effects from Avianne/alesse, but I still suffer a low libido, which improves the week i am taking the placebo pill. My gyno said this is not uncommon with the pill (I think the extra estrogen couneracts any free testosterone in your body), that I can switch pills again, but pretty much doubts it will do much.

hope this helps!

hey guys...thought i'd give you an update.

We were just out for dinner, and he brought "us" up... He said given his finances...he wants to work on them before we get married...However, he said that he hasn't been avoiding the topic -he's been thinking about it alot, and that he'd like me to be patient and supportive, and in 6-8 months, he will be ready to propose. He realizes he probably can't take care of all of his finances in that time, but can definitely get the ball rolling. He just asks that I don't flip out on him in the meantime -He feels that things are starting to fall into place for him, and he's starting to see the big picture.

so, I have decided to give him this time.... I asked how he felt about me shopping around for houses in the meantime, and he said that although he feels a little left out, that I should continue to do what would make me happy (I told him I don't like renting and feeling in limbo regarding my living situation) and that he's sure the rest will fall into place.

I say definitely give it a shot.

I've read some of your posts in the past...and I think dating an older guy hopefully won't lead you into that "I want to be on my own and single for a while" trap that we sometimes find ourselves in when dating guys in their 20s. Hopefully by 34, he's been there, done that, and ready for a relationship if you decide you want one.

It's been 3 years.

You are very right. good advice. and I think it's the way for me to proceed.

The thing is, a lot of the time I am very happy. We have a very loving relationship. Sometimes though, I get sent into a tizzy (increasingly more) when I have phone conversations with my mom and she's drilling me on the "status on our relationship" that I need know, I can't be expected to wait... rah rah rah. I am close to her, so I don't tell her to F- off -I respectfully tell her to let me handle my relationship. But it does get me in a steamy mood. I usually cool off before I see my boyfriend -But it always gets me on edge, and the wheels of frustration begin to turn every time I get off the phone with her. It's hard! It's one thing if your family doesn't approve of your boyfriend and you say, whatever! we're in love, we're in this together, and we're going to spend our lives together despite any opposition in our way. But in this case I find myself defending his hesitation, yet have my own doubts in the back of my head. So, I end up upset after these conversations...

Interestingly enough, he mentioned me buying a house yesterday, and he asked if I am really considering it, or if I am just saying it to get him into gear. Actually I just go pre-approved for a mortgage, so I'm ready to roll!

I agree. I'm just annoyed. I really never thought I'd have to go through this with him. He was so solid and open to marriage...until the past year (then again, until I actually began asking about the next step)

Yes, I am going to do these things for myself. I just wish we could do it together. It's disappointing that he is dragging his feet like this.

Hmmm. I don't know if I could wait that long. I fear 2-3 more years of waiting I could harbor some serious resentment, thus poisoning the relationship.

I love him to death, but sometimes I think maybe I should look for someone who I don't have to wait for... who already has everything pulled together. As someone said on this board, you'd move mountains if you wanted to marry a girl. This is where we differ on opinion. He sees no"rush" or need to move mountains right now. And my RELATIVE patience is allowing this. (I say relative, since I do get moody and indignant about it from time to time)

I am in contact with a realtor. I am about to start looking to purchase my first house. I want nothing more than to do this with him (as a married or engaged couple), but of course, "he's not ready" I told him that I am doing this -he's supportive but he said "I guess you're not waiting for me". I really feel I can't anymore. I've been waiting for a year for him to pop the question, and there's still a disconnect as to when the future begins.

what does one do if he says "I don't understand what the rush is"

Yes, we're in our 20s but we've been dating over 3 years! I'm at a loss at this point. I'm not going to convince him to "rush (??!)" into marrying me!

we're obviously on different wavelengths here.

Aktrez,

I don't know much about the acting/pageant circuit -but from what I've seen from these pageants these days, the girls aren't stick-skinny.

I really don't think you should be so down on your body. You sound very healthy, and according to your boyfriend and other friends at work, you sound very attractive. Listen to them! Enjoy their compliments. I love to be complimented! As a 27 year old, I've seen ALOT of my friends blow up after college (For real...we're talking beyond the point of no return...) Perhaps you'd be more happy if you took the compliments to heart, and worked on maintaining your figure (maybe slowly losing a bit) rather than crash dieting. No one is ever really happy when they do extreme diets. They think I've given this and that up, but I've only lost... It doesn't seem worth it.

As for the role of Maureen...I haven't seen Rent, but aren't the characters all starving because they're poor and sick with AIDS? That doesn't sound like a body image you should strive for!

I lost a lot of weight when my boyfriend and I broke up as well. I couldn't eat ANYTHING. I had to force myself to eat yogurt, and could only nibble on dry cereal for weeks. Basically, I looked terrible. Unfortunately my chest was the first to go! After the fact, my friends said I looked terrible!

Curves are good! Love them! They're sexy. Bones are not.

I'm a big believer in pooling your resources when you get married. However, as for pre-nups, I really don't know much about them. I assume you can design it any way you like, and if that is the case, I would consider signing one...as long as it was reasonable, and practical -but NOT if it segmented EVERYTHING we had, as well as future earnings and acquisitions. That could lead to a lot of angry feelings and resentment -which could lead to a lot of unhappiness in the marriage, on both your behalves.

Perhaps you can agree to draw up something fair regarding the house. However, what does that mean for mortgage payments? That's where separate finances don't seem to make sense to me. You shouldn't contribute to a mortgage, if the house will never be yours. However, if you instead buy groceries, pay bills, freeing him up to pay more towards the house, aren't you indirectly paying for the house yourself? Sticky.

I really don't think you can have fully "separate" finances to have a successful marriage. You guys could have potential major problems if you have different financial priorities, if you think he's hoarding or spending $$ on things that are unimportant, while you are saving and penny pinching to send the kids to college. Doesn't seem right.

I do think that for some people, having separate bank accounts is a good idea -so you don't fight about spending money on the little things -it gives you financial independence to go out and buy that new purse without your hubbie giving you grief. I actually heard good advice about having a third bank account for bills, mortgage, groceries... and you each put an equal PERCENTAGE of your salaries in there. that way it may be unequal amounts, but you're both contributing the same percentage of your earnings -which I think is very fair. -and this would be key in your case, since you make less...but relatively, you'd be contributing the same as him. splitting bills in half just doesn't make sense...you're not merely roommates.

I'm sure this man could have "impure thoughts" but if you were knowledgeable on the subject, you would find that he is actually concerned about her internal organs -her cervix, her ovaries, uterus. Not exactly sexy. It's VERY clinical.

she's a grown woman. If he does anything inappropriate, I think she'll know how to handle it. She doesn't need you there at the appointment to hold her hand.

Note that OBGYNs are also obstatricians -I'm sure it's a very rewarding experience to care for pregant women, as well as deliver their children. There's nothing perverted about this.

All of your replies/points have been good ones. Sometimes, I feel like if he doesn't want it now, he will keep making excuses. -and I get angry that he seems to be calling all the shots. Other times, I feel, I can wait -we're young, -why give up a good thing.

Point blank, he's told me he's not ready -financially (He has some debt to take care of, and although i suggested we do that as a team...(isn't that what marriage is all about?) He said he wanted to do it on his own) He even said he needs to grow up a little more, and doesn't seem to think we're that old. (he's 26, I'm 27) Well, as I approach my 30's I'm beginning to think about marriage and family, so I not only feel ready, but that I AM getting old!

So now what? ugh. A friend of mine, who's been MIA because a new boyfriend just IMed me to tell me that she thinks she's getting engaged soon to a boyfriend of 6 months. I have a pit in my stomach from the jealousy. I'm not jealous of the short duration (it seems a little soon, I aM a rational person...it could end up disasterous) -but here's this girl, who was single as could be for a few years, and now she's getting engaged. Yes, the grass is always greener, but I can't help but think despite our love for one another, maybe I'm with the wrong person. Maybe he's comfortable and has no need to get married. Will this ever change?

Sometimes I just want to tell him that I've waited long enough, and I won't sell myself short...but I would have to live with the consequences. I don't know if I'm prepared to do that.

Thanks, sounds like good advice. I will be seeing them next week since they're stopping in town on their way somewhere. We're meeting up for dinner. I guess I'll be gritting my teeth and asking for their patience rather than getting defiant on them.

It just sucks, since they used to want to see my bf too. Now they have no interest.

I think most of my stress about marriage has been put in place by them. They have seemed to put this time bomb under my seat, and I'm not sure why. Like I'm super old, and I better get married now, or else I'll be alone forever, or will never be able to have children when I finally do settle down. This should NOT rule my decisions -but it has definitely caused me tremendous stress!

I am dealing with a problem, that is growing, and I'm not sure the best way to handle it.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We're still relatively young, and he's adimately not ready for marriage. I am. He says he will in the future, but has some hurdles he wants to jump over first. Ok, we've been duking it out. Not sure what I'm going to do about this, but right now we're trying to iron it out.

I am at my witts end though, with my parents. I'm an only child, only daughter. They used to love my boyfriend. Saw me marrying him. (since I did as well) Saw me very happy. In the past year, my boyfriend and I have had some rocky points. we broke up for a few weeks, ended up getting separate places (we lived together) and then patched it up. Things are very good, but the marriage factor is still an issue.

Of course when we broke up I was extrememly upset, and made the mistake of crying to my parents. I regret that now, since they have seen us get back together, and now are livid that my guy is stalling on marriage. They think that he's ultimately not going to commit, and hurt me in the end, and I will have invested all this time in him. Fair, but that's my call -not theirs. Small detail -my bf has a son, who I have spent a lot of time with. my bf had him at ayoung age, it has been a lot of responsiblility -so I think that is one of the reasons he's afraid to get married right now.

So now my parents who used to love this guy are now talking s*** about him -that I need to make a decision. My father had the nerve to tell me that we have to sit down and discuss it next time I see them. (they live far away) Are you kidding me? My mom is really upset that I'm spending time with his son, but my bf is not making me part of his family.

My guy is not a bad guy -a great guy, in fact. And we do have things to iron out regarding marriage. but like I said, that's for me to figure out. I of course am not going to blindly do what my parents say, I'm an adult. But it really tears me apart to see them change their opinion on my bf. I love him, and I love them. They have always given me great advice, and are only looking out for me. and it's tough, since although my bf knows how they feel, he has become irritated by it. So I have decided not to bring up this pressure and these conversations to him. what's the point? but it eats at me.

so my question is, what would be the best approach to tell my parents to back off. I've tried the defiant thing, and that doesn't work. I don't want to create animousity, when I have my own issues to deal with in my relationship. honestly, I have a lot on my plate right now to figure out -and them talking in my ear is NOT helping. It's making things worse. I need to constructively tell them to leave me alone.

maybe I do need counselling -maybe we do.

It's hard though. Yes, I am a romantic, but I'm also realistic. We've been together 3 years, and through alot. I have made many changes in my life for our relationship. He has a child, and I have embraced that, and although he is great, I have realized that a future together would involve sacrifices and things beyond my or our control. I am ready to face that, and already have a bit. I also have moved to his city, (because he doesn't feel right leaving his child), and now have even considered moving closer to his child, were we to live together (although it is further from my work, and friends and activities)

so I am considering many serious things -I do not take marriage lightly. But I ask where do you draw the line. If I begin to make these sacrifices I ask that he makes me part of his family. when does he start making sacrifices? We're in a battle right now, -almost like he wants to see me make these sacrifices, and then he'll know I'm serious about the both of them. -like why would I need a ring to want to be part of their lives. I disagee. I want a lifelong committment to one another first. we've almost gotten into a which comes first, chicken or egg argument.