d346

I agree with NC...unless she gives this other "boyfriend" the boot. How can she say she wants you back but has a boyfriend? -and doesn't want to cheat on him? You are better than that. Don't entertain the idea of getting back until she is only focused on you.

you never know what will happen. -but at this point, just think of saving your own pride to get you through this. You needed some answers and called him. We all have felt that way -and in a way you got them. Don't regret the phone call. You are allowed to appear upset...he dumped you in a text message!! He can't get away that easy!

But now, it may be time to concentrate on what you need -and you need to keep your pride-you don't want to have to chase after a man! He should chase after you! Either eventually he will, or someone better will.

Hang in there. I've been there. You will feel better in time...I promise!!!

sweetione,

Here is another thing to consider. Sometimes people with baggage can't handle everything going on in their lives...including the good things! But sometimes you can't convince them that their lives are better with you. They have to figure it out themselves.

Consider this perhaps a blessing in disguise (something similar happened to me) Perhaps it is best that he gets over his issues with the divorce, etc before he focuses on you (yes, i know, a little late now) But better now, than years down the road...after you invested all your heart soul and time, and he says something absurd like "I've never been single" in some sort of mid life crisis. It's better for YOU, that he is pulling away now...saving you some future HARDER heartbreak down the line if he can't deal with his issues. However, if it's meant to be, he will realize that a relationship with you is not a burden in his life, but an asset, and he may come back. Then it's up to YOU, if you want him back!

In my opinion, it probably has nothing to do with Cuba.

People get rid of stuff, hide stuff when they don't want to think about it. I hid all the framed photos of me and my ex in a drawer. It helped me to potentially move on, but also wasn't permanent. I didn't burn them or anything.

Who knows, maybe she saved the files on her hard drive. Email accounts get full all the time. As for the timing, i would just assume she finally got the nerve or just got around to moving them. Don't read into it too much.

Who knows, even if she trashed them, that doesn't mean she never wants to hear from you again. People do rash things when it comes to their emotions. But I agree with a previous post...you should probably stop logging into her account. It prevents you from making your own progress. Here you are, wondering why and if she did that. I found myself driving by my ex's street and looking down it to see if his lights were on -I wanted to see if he was home or out (and secretly hoped he was home because maybe he would be sitting around bored doing nothing, hence missing me) If his lights were out, it would bother me that he wasn't sitting around thinking about me. I had to stop driving by, and probably you should stop checking her mail -for your own benefit. maybe this trip to Cuba will be a good opportunity for you to do this. she won't be too active online. who wants to be online in Cuba?

I definitely agree with everyone... it's best to focus on yourself whether or not he comes back. It's what got me through my situation.

If he does call, I do think you may want to convey to him your distaste of the way he broke up with you. I was angry with my ex for they way he broke up with me (a series of emails saying he thought it was best we didn't talk for a while), and ultimately him telling me he didn't know what he wanted and wanting to just "be' for a while. And our first few conversations I told him all this, I told him that he dealt with the whole situation poorly and after all our time together I deserved more. Me expressing this to him, coupled with me not contacting him, got him thinking -really thinking that not only was he was going to lose me, but he F-ed things up by the way he acted. He became very apologitic, and wanted to know if we can talk again and start over. I must admit I found it very empowering that the tables were turned.

it sounds to me that this guy you dated was really immature and unfair to you by breaking up in a text message. I understand you want things to work out (we all do) but i think that although you are nice and trying to be understanding, you shouldn't be a doormat either. Not only does that give guys (or girls) permission to treat you that way (get off the hook easy) but they'll probably respect you less too!

granted I'm not the expert on men (I am perhaps reconciling with my ex, and sometimes I do the wrong things) But I thought I'd give some advice!

You sound really upset. I was just as angry sometimes.

Maybe you should cut off contact. Maybe the next time she contacts you, tell her you're really upset, and can't do it anymore -that you don't want to talk to her unless she figures out what she wants. Honestly, I ran into the bf in the grocery store after a week or so of no contact, and although i wanted to throw my arms around him, we did an awkward "fancy seeing you here, how are you, fine, how are you, fine" and then i gave him a nasty look and said "i'm going to get out of here" and turned away and left.

i left the place shaking, and was upset that our 3 yr relationship boiled down to that (angry too), and low and behold, he didn't feel so hot about it all either and called me an hour later. He didn't really have much to say, but it gave me an avenue to voice that I was not happy with the way he was dealing with his uncertainty, and that after 3 years I deserved so much more. After a few days of no contact (we pretty much hung up with no plans to call or see one another) he started emailing, calling. i think he realized how upset i really was, and that I was hurt enough to move on without him and it was i think a huge wake up call for him.

Basically when I was waiting around for him, he didn't bother to think about things -what he ultimately wanted...he just didn't feel like dealing with any of it. I essentially told him to grow up, that you can't do that to a person, and I will not wait around, and in time he actually started thinking about things.

I was hurt tremendously by a boyfriend who was unsure of things and needed time -there was no contact for a month or so and I felt it was so cruel that he didn't want to talk to me -I was crushed, and basically coming to terms that he had broken up with me...in a weak roundabout way.

so I ran into him a couple times. It was very awkward -but apparently it got him to start thinking about me. I never called him, but he started emailing me, then calling me. I told him before not to toy with me if he did decide to contact me, so he only did it every few days or so. I only returned his calls, never initiated. (maybe it was a little bit of a game, but also mind you I was still very hurt. you don't desert loved ones like he did). So now he wants to know if we can fix things, start over actually. Something I had suggested at the beginning of all this, that he didn't think would work at the time!

Some good advice given to me (by a professional, actually)

Whether or not she comes back, you need to heal. Not necessarily move on (that's impossible in a short period of time) but believe you are strong and resilient. Mourn your own loss and be good to yourself. Try as hard as you can TO NOT TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE IS THINKING/DOING. I was told that the longer you focus on this and what she is or isn't doing, the longer it will take you to heal. Your brain takes you in a vicious circle. And you're totally doing that, wondering if she'd call, why she didn't, if she'll think of you when she drives through your town. And it's her fault because she keeps contacting you at her leisure. You heal much faster if you just focus on your own sadness and grief -Not her and what she's doing. This totally helped me. I went from crying hourly to crying every few days! lol! By the time he did start calling me, I almost didn't want him back. and now that I'm considering it, I feel so much stronger and emotionally fit to try again. I'm not going to take any crap!!! lol.

I highly recommend limiting your contact with her. That's the ONLY reason I think my bf started contacting me. He thought he lost me and freaked out. He realized that our/his issues weren't major enough to lose what we had. If you text her a few times a day it means you ARE friends. You've given her that, and she has no need to change anything right now because you are apparently there for her.

By the way, after all this I saw my bf last night for the first time. We did sheepish small talk, and then he pounced upon me with a huge smile to hug and sqeeze me tight. He was thrilled to see me. I loved every minute of it!!

bridgetjones:

I am in a similar situation, but haven't slept with him. It hasn't been in discussion (we've only been talking) but I know for a fact that I could go over to his place and do it if I wanted. In fact, it crossed my mind last night as I drove past his neighborhood. I kept on driving though.

The thing is, I'm in that tough spot, he wanted a break, didn't contact me, which hurt me tremendously. I don't understand why you would do that to someone you love. with the thought of it being perhaps over, I have tried my hardest to move on. Now, a month later, he is calling, apologetic, and wants to know if we can start talking/see one another slowly. I am uneasy because he hurt me, but of course there's a tiny little voice deep down screaming yes, of course!

However, I don't think he's fully at the point where he can give me the committment I want. He's probably still a little shaky and JUST realizing how much I mean to him. I feel as much as I want to sleep with him, he really has to miss it, crave it. He needs to know that he must fully commit to whole hartedly working on our relationship before I give that to him.

I do know from experience that if they love you, it's not JUST about sex for them. However, they will give into the temptation and really enjoy being with YOU at that moment. However, after the moment is over, no matter how much they care or love you, they can still be utterly confused and then back off. This happened at the very beginning of our break. I kept thinking of that night, how tender and loving he was. Yet the next day he felt weird about "things" and needed time to think. I will never put myself in that situation again.