Sam1986

That's the thing, as catfeeder pointed out, her reasons are just ones that I extrapolated, as she hasn't been able to answer directly what her main reservations against kids are. The most concrete answer I've gotten is that "she's not sure she would be a good mother" and that "she doesn't know what she wants in the future" (this was on the topic of future in general, not just kids). No, I'm not dead set on having them right away. What my main concern is, is the ambivalence. I am perfectly willing to wait 4-5 years as long as I know that it's in the cards, if she wants to pursue a career in the meantime (which I don't blame her for). I am a little more on the fence about being the primary caregiver, though having entertained the thought for a few months, I'm starting to come more to terms with it than I was before. Thank you for the input on this. I might try to have another chat, but at the moment I'm not sure if it would cause more harm than good. I went on a date with another girl last Sunday and Tuesday, and on one hand feel that I should explore other avenues right now. That being said, while this girl I went to dates on over the last week seems rather nice, the chemistry (albeit only after two dates) is nothing close to the other one. It's a real headache for sure, but then again, I'm not as naive as I was in my twenties where I would hang onto hope without trying to move on. Yes that is perhaps the hardest part here. There is no animosity on either side, and we both feel super lucky to have met each other. Except for this one (albeit big) issue.

This is my viewpoint as well, and something I've communicated to her and which she seems to understand (though not want, just like me). At this point I just keep that option open for the future, and try to focus as much on myself and dating others at this point, even though it's pretty difficult. Either way, thanks for all the replies here so far! 🙂

I should mention that part of the reason why I'm even posting here is because a friend of mine thinks I should stick it out further and see what comes out of it. He has given me some solid advice before in my last relationship, but in this case I feel like he's off the mark. But for all I know I might be off the mark as well, so any 3rd party viewpoints are much appreciated, especially if someone has had a similar experience (regardless of outcome!).

I guess that one didn't translate too well. What I meant was more along the line of "thought she'd become a mother". My bad. It does seem that way unfortunately. We've spoken about how this probably has no future, and she knows that I am using online dating apps again. She has come to accept that, but we have kept in touch over the last few months (usually texts about how we miss each other). I think she wants me to change my mind (as in, accepting the uncertainty) while I'm hoping that she changes her mind (giving me a firm yes, even if it means way further in the future). Last month she even asked if I wanted to come as her +1 to a cocktail party with her journalist colleagues, so it's not like she's trying to hide me as her secret fling or anything like that (when we went to a similar party half a year ago, she had obviously presented me earlier as her boyfriend, as that was the "role" everyone referred to me as. Which at the time was more than fine with me, and made me quite happy).

It might and it might not, that's only something that she can know for certain. I did however inquire into her reasoning, and mostly she says that she worries she won't be a good mother, or can't really picture it. However, she also mentioned once or twice that in her last LTR (4-5 years), she thought she'd eventually end up as a mother together with her ex. Also relevant is the fact that she "doesn't know what she wants in life", as is something I can somewhat relate to as she's fresh out of college. She did for instance apply to diplomat's programme at the foreign department (state department in the US), which is usually indicative of someone who wants to explore the possibilities in life and is not ready to settle for the next few years. Either way this situation is terrible, even though I currently haven't been in contact with her for a few weeks. We are both super into each other while there are no red flags (other than the issue above, which is a big one), and this is generally a rare gift in life. I hope that she will change her view, but so far she hasn't and I therefore have taken the difficult choice of exploring other options. That being said, speaking of several years worth of dating, I have never clicked so well with anyone and this is the part that pains me so much. I inadvertently end up comparing other prospects to the chemistry we had (they all fall short by a mile), and I'm ultimately dreading the prospect of having to wade through the mess that is online dating for another few years.

This could also be the voice of someone deeply depressed, as they start to see everything in a negative light. My ex wasn't exactly depressed (I think), but she would get those occasional spells where she created a mental narrative of our relationship, where she had "always known that it was doomed", or that "it's becoming clear to me now" (that said relationship was doomed). It was usually a temporary thing, but it was extremely draining for me and although I tried to be supportive and have her see a therapist, it ultimately wore me out. It was 100% a psychological thing on her side, and something I could never seem to permanently fix, so in the end there was only one thing to do - leave. Either way, I agree that this "rebound story" objectively sounds like BS, but it might also very well be that her husband is in a very dark place right now and has convinced himself of the validity of that story (even if temporary).

Drop this relationship immediately. There is nothing to discuss further here. Not only is this a psychologically damaging relationship, but it's also causing you physical damage at this point. Drop her immediately and start working on your self worth, because you need to realize that you are better than this and the toxic mess she is bringing into your life. I've got no doubt that it will hurt at first, but you will be ten times better off in the long run. On the bright side, your life can (relationship wise) only go uphill from here on out once you get rid of her. Do yourself that favour.

Hi, and thank you for having the patience to read this and any advice you may have. I haven't posted here in years, mostly because I have become a lot more experienced in dating, and as such no longer tend to wade into bad situations like I used to (partially due to former advice here). 🙂 With that out of the way however, I've found myself in a new conundrum that I don't really have a ready answer to (I think), and I'd love to get some feedback and read the viewpoints from others who perhaps have been in the same situtation that I've now found myself: In January this year, I (37m) met a girl (30f) on Tinder. Our first date was nothing short of amazing. I usually cut my first dates short, but we ended up on a 7-8 hour first date as we just had so much interesting stuff to talk about and neither wanted to leave early. The same repeated for the next dates, and we gradually started spending more time together and sleeping over at each other's place. Long story short, she is amazing, and luckily for me, that feeling seems very mutual. The chemistry is there, the sex is great, we have common interests, neither of us are controlling or jealous, we have never had a big fight because we tend to get along well, and we are overall just a very good match on most areas. We've even talked about moving in together, as things are just working so well between us. Except for one issue - having children. Over the summer she told me that she knew that I wanted children (I was upfront with that from the start), and while she had tried to get used to that thought because things were growing serious, she had to admit that she was still on the fence. She hasn't stated outright that she doesn't want children one day, but she can't guarantee that she will want it one day either. I've asked her why this is so, and she doesn't really know why. She does have a tiny bit of a troubled relationship with her mother, and has said that it was her father that pressured her mother into having her and her twin sister (she has a great relationship to her father though). She also worries if she'll be a good mother, and that she perhaps isn't cut out to be one (maybe she worries that she'll become like her mother, who knows, this is just speculation on my part and that's always a risky thing to do). However, her decision leaves me in a particularly difficult position, because I know that I want children myself one day. I have tried to be somewhat accomodating in that I understand her position perfectly (she recently graduated, got into a new competitive job as a journalist which means working a lot of late evenings), and that I am in no way trying to pressure her into having children now at the expense of her career. I am content with giving her time and having to wait a few years (4-5 if need be), as long as I know that it's a common goal that we share and something that is in the cards if we are still in a relationship after those years have passed. However, she has said that she cannot guarantee that she will ever want children, and at that point I have (so far) decided that I cannot pursue a relationship any further. If I stay in the relationship any further I think that it would probably cause a lot of future friction on my part, as the relationship would otherwise feel kind of hollow and pointless I guess. The thing that makes this decision really difficult though, is that I know from experience that finding someone you mesh this well with on an inter-personal level, is an exceedingly rare gift in life. I've crushed on girls before that obviously (in hindsight) weren't that into me, and it's caused a lot of drama. The same has been true of the reverse, where girls have been more into me than I was into them (unfortunately this was somewhat true of my last 3 year relationship with another ex). This is one of those rare instances where everything just clicked. We still have some occasional contact to this day (my most recent flame that is), and we both miss each other a lot. And while my brain feels like stopping this was a good decision, my heart is not in it at all. This again makes meeting someone new rather difficult, because they have a rather high bar to clear after I met this girl. I hope that anyone has some feedback on this. Have you been in a similar situation perhaps? How did that work out, and was the issue resolved?

I knew it was a bad idea texting you on Friday. Why the hell do you mention to me your psychiatric issues that our broken friendship caused you, when you knew you would risk it by dating this guy immediately after our breakup? What the hell is wrong with you? I regret apologizing for my angry initial response, and feel stupid for having been so accommodating in my apology. You never replied to it, and now I feel that I gave you an apology for something I shouldn't have apologized for to begin with, when you haven't even apologized for hurting my feelings and doing the wrong thing. you two both, I really hate how you treated my feelings and risked our friendship for your own selfish reasons. No, we are not friends and are likely never to be again, and if you try to guilt trip me into another "friendship" with you by saying these outrageous things then you can simply go yourself. you!