How important is romantic love?

Wow, everyone. I'd forgotten what breaking up is like, till I just found out my ex is seeing someone -- seriously, he said. Ouch.

Funny how we can know what to do in order to heal, but DOING it is this great battle of willpower, you know?

So, I feel pretty low right now... I can't help but imagine who this new chick is, how perfect she is, and I'm fighting with jealousy. How come we put love on such a high pedestal that we feel like people who are in love are perfect people, but those of us who aren't in a relationship are rejects? What's with that? Is that just the message of our society or what?

I'm trying to do an attitude adjustment, to fight those beliefs that being in-love-is-perfect. As so many posts point out here, being in love AIN'T perfect. I figure if I can change my attitude, maybe I'll be happy with what I have, and not get hung up on what I don't have.

So i think romantic love is important, but not the only measure of one's worth. There's gotta be more to living, or we're all sunk. Does anyone agree or disagree?

P.S. Oh yes, I DO want to be in a relationship, but not just any old relationship. I just think we have to believe we're WORTH being in a relationship first and foremost. I think we forget we're worth it sometimes. Anyway, thanks for reading this ...

I hear you... I recently experienced heartbreak, and I do NOT like being alone. Somewhere along the line I learned that I am not just me, I'm me AND someone.

But I'm being selective. I have to. I just need to learn how to like being alone.

K8tie Kool,

I agree with you 100% I'm going through a similar situation, my ex is seeing somebody else while I'm left sitting at home feeling like there's something worng with me. Honestly, although I worry that her new guy is better than me and makes her happy, my bigger fear is that he's not any better than I am, but she would still rather be with him.

I'm also trying to do alot of attitude adjustment and self improvement as well. I think my breakup made me realize that i really wasn't happy before my relationship, as now i'm basically back to where i started from, and I've begun trying to improve myself so that I don't have need to have someone else to be happy. I've started seeing a councelor, and have begun trying to exercise and eat right as well (as much as my budget allows anyway).

I'd have to say romantic love does rank high on the list of important things in life (if I really was in love with her it is certainly the best I have ever felt). But i hope its not the only thing, as its seems to be very uncertain. I'm beginning to think that the most important thing in life is that we can love ourselves, with being able to share that love with other coming in a close second.

Hope that helped,

mtastic

Hi girl.... MY ex is seeing someone new also so I know how shocking it feels at first. PM if u want to talk... I feel your pain.

I am on week number five of finding out my boyfriend is in love with someone else, and he just dumped me cold. I am thinking all the things you are thinking; is she better than me? Worse? Did he just get bored? Am I a bad girlfriend?

It is some form of hell. But it will pass. I am learning that when someone leaves you, it says as much about them, if not more so, than it does about you. I loved with all my heart, trusted him, and gave him my best, and my worst. I held nothing back. That wasn't good enough, so I'm thinking the universe knew better than I did, and made him go away. I still miss him though. But I still hope his new woman plagues his heart out.

When I think back, though, all the relationships where I dumped someone to be with someone else never lasted. So, I hope it's the same for our ex's. It has to be. How can they know someone else and jump from one bond to another? It's very shallow.

I think the trick is to learn to accept being on your own, and find a way to be happy with that. If you radiate independence and the fact that you don't need people, that seems to make you ultra attractive. Go figure.

So many great thoughts, everybody! Thanks for replying. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. I'm glad we're determined to make it through this and one day (soon?) love again.

Love IS wonderful, but you're right, mtastic, loving yourself has to come first. There are plenty of things we can do to treat ourselves tenderly rather than harshly.

The paradox for me is that to some extent loving yourself can't happen in a vacuum. I mean, I find that really hard. I need lots of friends' support to help me feel loved. I wish I could be that independent person who just completely loves herself and always believes in herself no matter what, but I'm coming to realize I'm just not that way. I need people.

I'm into self-improvement, like you, and one thing I've noticed is there's a way of thinking about it that's helpful and a way that's unhelpful. The unhelpful way is to think you have to improve 'cause there's something wrong with you. Not a very loving attitude, right? A more helpful way is to improve because you aspire to be an even more wonderful person than you already are.

Some things I take comfort in: One of my friends was saying that just because the ex is dating someone doesn't mean the new relationship is more special than yours. Some people aren't too picky when they date. A little chemistry and they're off (and yes, when they leave, it IS more about them than us -- I agree, jarofpinecones).

Jar, I'm sure you are NOT a bad girlfriend, just like I wasn't. We loved more than they reciprocated, but I'm proud to say, there's no shame in that. I kinda miss my ex too, but it's finally become clear to me that he doesn't appreciate who I am, so ... I'm better without him and the poor excuse for love that he offered.

LOL about hoping his new gf is plaguing his heart out. I'd be lying if I said the same thought didn't cross my mind. What do you think would be better, her playing him for a fool, or them just having a plain ol' bad relationship? lol. I think I'd choose the plain ol' bad relationship.

Right on, K8tie Kool.

The paradox for me is that to some extent loving yourself can't happen in a vacuum. I mean, I find that really hard. I need lots of friends' support to help me feel loved. I wish I could be that independent person who just completely loves herself and always believes in herself no matter what, but I'm coming to realize I'm just not that way. I need people.

I feel the same way k8tie kool, I find it much easier to love myself when I have people around to re-enforce my self esteem, and give me a sense of place and worth. But I think this might be part of my problem with loving myself, as i don't always have people around supporting me all the time. my personal goal is to try to improve myself esteem on my own, hopefully that will provide a better base for gfriendships which will in turn even better increase my self esteem.

I also agree with what you said about sefl improvement for the most part, its better to want to improve to make yourself better than you already are, however i don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing and addressing your faults, as doing so will enable you to feel less self-conscious and thus love your self better knowing you are fault free.

Good Luck K8tie,

mtastic

But I think this might be part of my problem with loving myself, as i don't always have people around supporting me all the time. my personal goal is to try to improve myself esteem on my own, hopefully that will provide a better base for gfriendships which will in turn even better increase my self esteem.

I see what you're saying, mtastic. I agree. It's vital to have that unshakable base, that inner confidence/contentment with oneself. Some people have that because they were nurtured by their parents growing up. What do the rest of us do who weren't so fortunate? I just wonder about that. How does one build one's own base, or as some psychologists would say, Parent oneself?

Oh well, with the wisdom of this board, and time on my hands, I'm sure the answer will come. Best of luck, mtastic!