Will she ever come back to me??? HELP

Hi, I'm a 38 y/o male...handsome, tall and well built. I met a woman "K" in December and we immediately feel into a passionate romantic relationship. I was only 8 months into a divorce, was dealing with depression and being broke at the time. I had a lot of issues. She was very giving and loving and there was a lot of passion, but she was a little insecure...I wasn't very stable then and gave her cause to be insecure, although I never slept with another woman when we were together (there was a phone call from a woman who I'd been involved very briefly with who remained my friend but who "K" was always suspicious of and I lied one time about who'd called me and she found out by checking my cell phone log). Needless to say I pushed her away several times and the relationship was on again off again for about 5 months and finally ended.

After a few weeks, "K" emailed me (a racy email) and we started sleeping together with no strings. She was seeing two other guys at the time but not sleeping with them (she slept with one of the once, when we were apart)...she would always tell me that the other guys were fun but that it wasn't the same as she felt being with me. A few weeks passed and we continued to see each other but I was worried about the other guys. She broke it off with one of the guys and then one weekend she flew to Chicago to se the other guy and decide what she wanted to do. I was worried. She called me from Chicago to tell me that she couldn't see being there with anyone but me. I was elated!!!

When she came home on Sunday she called me to come over and we went and had a romantic dinner. When we returned to her house, I gave her my grandfather's wedding ring to wear on a chain as a symbol of my commitment and she was so happy she was crying. Things were very romantic and great for about a week and then she had a panic attack and shut down emotionally with me. She said that she was afraid that if things got difficult for me again that I would just leave and that she also didn't want to get involved with my issues. I started to email her a lot to explain my behaviour. She started throwing out things like "I have a big three year project at work and don't have time for a relationship". I kept sending the emails until she told me to back off. I think she took it all as pressure and manipulation.

Previously (a month before) we'd set up an appointment to see a relationship counselor and were still planning on going. Two days before we went she said that she wanted still to go but that it was not to work things out between us...she said: "being in a relationship with you right now is not what I want. I keep hoping I will, but then we talk and I get angry." At the counselor's she said that she wanted to end the relationship, and that she was angry about all the emails. The counselor said that he sensed a lot of ambiguity from her about her feelings. She told him that she felt 50/50 about me and that my turnaround was too fast and that she didn't trust it yet. He suggested that we take three months with no contact and then see how we feel then. To me three months is a long time.

I left her at her house and I asked her "what about after the three months?" She replied "I don't know" and I asked her "what if you're in another relationship by then?" and she replied "what if I am?" angrily. As I was leaving I asked her for one more kiss, expecting a little peck, and she gave me a very passionate full mouthed kiss and pressed against me. We paused and gave each other a very passionate and intense gaze. As I was leaving, she looked like she was going to cry and she said "you know whatever happens I'll always stand behind you and support you..." I didn't know what to make of this. After about three weeks I broke down and tried to call her to meet up and talk and she seemed happy to hear my voice and receptive but the next day she sent me an email saying "I know you want to talk, but I don't. I think we should do what the therapist said. Don't call me don't write to me" That's where I stand today.

I really realized that I screwed up in the past and should've taken a step back when I wasn't ready instead of coming back so many times. I wonder if she's testing me to see where I'll be and what I'll do in three months time? Is this just an easy way for her to dump me? I just don't know what to make of all the mixed signals. Can someone help me? I continue to go to therapy for myself, but with an eye on being the kind of man she wants and deserves...but waiting to find out what's going to happen is killing me. HELP!!!

Hey there

I dont have any words of advice I can offer to help you - only you and her know the situation well enough. What I can say pretty confidently is that you need to NOT call her or e-mail her.

Its a really tough thing to do because you want desperately to cling to what may be there, and you feel like if you could just show her, then it'll be okay. In a guys mind - thats the truth, but in my experience - its not the same for women. I dont know why, but you not calling her will endear you more to her (I believe) - on the other hand, she may move on in that time and find someone else (sorry, i know that hurts to hear) - but if she does just remember the words that you've probably heard a million times before. If it was meant to be, you two will eventually find each other again. If it wasnt meant to be, then you wont - and it will be for the best.

Right now I'm going through a similar situation, where my ex has told me she is in love with someone else (its only been a couple of months since we broke it off) - the break up was my fault though. Now, I dont really know how to accept if she is in love with somoene else - in fact, in truth - i dont believe it. (She also told me that she was in love with someone else, re-iterating how successful and wealthy he was - note he works in the same industry as me, but is much much older and much more successful) - these kinds of things put doubt in my mind.

But there is nothing I can do. I've tried everything, and the ball is really in her court right now. What I'm trying to say to you is - you need time to heal. And maybe in the course of that process, you will come to understand the relationship better. The difficult thing is, right now, you truly believe (and its probably true) that she is the one who can heal you.

But posting here is a good idea, talking to people helps (especially people who've been through this type of thing before). If you want to talk - e-mail me... email removed

Good luck.

The funny thing with my situation is that she said "I can't believe you picked me" so there is an esteem thing going on there. The therapist thinks she'll come around, but it so hard just to sit and wait. She DID after all break things off with two other guys to get back together, then she freaked out because I did too much too soon. I just can't stop obsessing over wanting to go back and change the way I did things. Change the fact that I pressured her when I should've taken a step back, instead of being so self-centered on my emotions...I didn't respect her wishes. I hope she somhow knows I'm sorry (she does know I'm continuing the therapy) and that I'm changing. I wish now I never would've contacted her last week and made her angry again...she said I was manipulative and that I attacked her self esteem (I did but unintentionally, I see it now)...who knows where this is going to end up. I wish there was a way to just turn myself off for the reamaining two months.

Ok. Well although im only 20, ive been in the same position as ur ex gf. So i hopefully can give some good advice.

Its obvious to me that this woman loves you whole lot. She woulda bailed on you right away, instead of tried to work through all the problems in the first place. IT really messes with a girl's mind when the guy they are with pulls the girl back and forth, like a rollercoaster ride, wanting them, not wanting them...And maybe the guy is going through all of these thoughts in his head and is just confused, but when he takes the girl along for that ride with them --in the end it really does a number on that girl. Its a horrible feeling to fall in love with someone, and to want to ease all their problems and be a supportive figure to them. But when that person has personal problems that nobody can really help, and he needs to deal with them for himself, it sucks for that woman. She wanted to help you, but she couldnt. And instead of just telling her in the very beginning that you need space, you just confused her. And i know how she feels. She kept getting her hopes up and then getting crushed again and again. I bet she feels like a yoyo.

Well i know when i was that girl, my faith and trust for my ex bf completely diminished. I lost so much in him...after awhile i didnt believe a word he said. he still continues telling me how much he misses me, but bc i was put in ur ex gf's position i just dont believe him in the least. I feel like i was used in a way. And id ont want to be with someone who was so unsure about being with me. Its normal for her now to develop this insecurity. Not necessarily one with all guys...BUt just an insecurity when it came to u. If shes anything like myself, she probably is very uneasy at the thought of being wiht you again. Since you were on and off with her, she probably would be worried that u'd do it again that quickly regardless of wat u say to her.

Having sex with ur ex, with no strings attached isnt a good idea. She probably liked it and said she was ok with it, but there are always emotions given ur history together. And it plays with the girls heart. I felt used after awhile- bc me and my ex had sex after our breakup a lot and he cared about me- didnt want a relationship but in the end in felt wrong and cold. Although she is with other guys, im sure she thinks about you for the most part.

I realize that you are more mature and serious. And by seeing a counselor you showed ur sincerity. But by no contact for 3 mos. you can see whether you really love each other, or it was more of a needy relationship. That is wats probably going through her mind. She probably wants to see what will happen in 3 months. If you will still feel as strongly for her or forget her. If you forget her, it will just show her that you just needed her in a selfish way in her mind. If you are still in love , they she can see that your words are real and true. Sometimes the thoughts of losing someone so close to you is just scary, but by doing this you can see exactly how you feel about her. She may always care about you, and may move on...but i doubt it. She def. does want the best for you, and never has stopped loving you after all the things she has been through with you- she was still there!

So i suggest, no contact for 3 mos. Respect what she wants, and take the time out to really figure out what you want, and how u can prove that you are a good man to her at the end of the 3 mos. It may seem like a long time, but not if u keep busy. BUt please....take the time out and really figure out what you want, if its defintiely her.. Because she will be destroyed if u flake out on her again. You gotta do anything in the world to show this girl you want her...but at the end of the 3 mos.

I hope this helps...

Let me kno.