The need for constant reaffirmation by the opposite sex

This is sort of a spin-off from an ongoing thread about a woman that I'm absolutely smitten with, but it's applicable to the other rare ones I've been into much the same. Looking to see if anyone else shares in the same experience and what they did to take their mindset to the next level.

I consistently find myself needing too many signs of interest and reaffirmations before I'll take action - a lot of the time in the initial flirtation stages. I get way too caught up with a mental scorecard of how much I've put out there vs. how much she has as well as trying to get the woman to say they want to do something before I've even asked. I want to rid myself this self-defeating mindset to the point where instead of keeping track, I'm simply taking action. The worst part of this behavior is when I allow the mindset to make me feel slighted - which typically leads to me withdrawing or appearing standoffish.

I want to once and for all get to the point where as a man, I identify and pursue instead of always waiting on the perception of the right signal.

The trick is to not care. I can be confidently flirtatious and funny around people who i do not fancy. But appalling when I start falling hard. It's a cruel law of nature!

This is sort of a spin-off from an ongoing thread about a woman that I'm absolutely smitten with, but it's applicable to the other rare ones I've been into much the same. Looking to see if anyone else shares in the same experience and what they did to take their mindset to the next level.

 

I consistently find myself needing too many signs of interest and reaffirmations before I'll take action - a lot of the time in the initial flirtation stages. I get way too caught up with a mental scorecard of how much I've put out there vs. how much she has as well as trying to get the woman to say they want to do something before I've even asked. I want to rid myself this self-defeating mindset to the point where instead of keeping track, I'm simply taking action. The worst part of this behavior is when I allow the mindset to make me feel slighted - which typically leads to me withdrawing or appearing standoffish.

 

I want to once and for all get to the point where as a man, I identify and pursue instead of always waiting on the perception of the right signal.

I have the exact same problem! One thing that has helped me is to force myself to go out and give random strangers, especially girls, compliments. Don't expect anything in return. It has helped alter my perception from being as concerned with what they think to what I think. It has also helped close the gap from converting the thoughts in my mind into actions in the real world. Do this at least once daily.

For some mental gymnastics, you have to wrap your head around the concept that dating is not adversarial. It's not you vs. the girl. Instead, it's your job as the coach of the team to make it a win for everyone. You steer the ship and if it ever goes off course a little, it's your job to bring it back to center. This is your burden to assume as the guy. And you have to assume that things will go off the tracks at times. Don't be phased by it, but expect it. This way you'll be in the best mind frame to handle things without being caught off guard.

The trick is to not care. I can be confidently flirtatious and funny around people who i do not fancy. But appalling when I start falling hard. It's a cruel law of nature!

Haha so true.

I have the exact same problem! One thing that has helped me is to force myself to go out and give random strangers, especially girls, compliments. Don't expect anything in return. It has helped alter my perception from being as concerned with what they think to what I think. It has also helped close the gap from converting the thoughts in my mind into actions in the real world. Do this at least once daily.

 

For some mental gymnastics, you have to wrap your head around the concept that dating is not adversarial. It's not you vs. the girl. Instead, it's your job as the coach of the team to make it a win for everyone. You steer the ship and if it ever goes off course a little, it's your job to bring it back to center. This is your burden to assume as the guy. And you have to assume that things will go off the tracks at times. Don't be phased by it, but expect it. This way you'll be in the best mind frame to handle things without being caught off guard.

Well the compliment thing I do all the time as it is.

Your coach metaphor is just another way of saying I need to lead, which is what most women want from men to begin with. The passive-aggressive stuff isn't attractive and I need to abandon it once and for all. Be ready to jump into the unknown or handle not get the exact reactions I want every single time. Getting mad that women aren't reciprocating when I'm not being direct is ridiculous.