Confused by my feeling for my ex and my current relationship status. Can anyone

Hello,

I hope somebody can help me out.

Two years ago i left my ex for a guy that now i am married with ( not really happily married we are in a very bad relation, constantly fighting) But thru all these two years i had moments where i remembered my ex and got really sad. Few months ago he sent me an email asking how am i etc and also told me that he is leaving country for good. Before replying i cried for like 3 hours ( i never knew that him leaving will upset me so much) and once i finally replied we decided to meet up. We did so we had a drink and long nice conversation and agreed to rebuild trust and friendship between us. We stayed in touch and today he told me he might leave earlier than he actually planned. I cant stop crying, i am so sad and i cant explain why. Its been more than two years from we broke up plus i am married. Why am i so sad and upset???

Was this an arranged marriage? Why did you get married? It seems your current unhappiness makes the loves of your past shine by contrast. That's not uncommon, but you should examine what all the discontent in your marriage is about. The sadness is really about regret.

not really happily married we are in a very bad relation, constantly fighting

Was this an arranged marriage? Why did you get married? It seems your current unhappiness makes the loves of your past shine by contrast. That's not uncommon, but you should examine what all the discontent in your marriage is about. The sadness is really about regret.

Thank you for your answer. No it wasnt arranged. We just live in different countries so it happened faster than i wish it happened. We are too different and he is very short temper. I guess we are just a miss match. But i am so confused now, my ex's attention flatters me and i am confused why am i being so sad.

I left my ex for his misbehaving in past that i didnt have nerves for, but i ended up tolerating more bad behavior to my husband. I dont know at all what i am feeling. All i know is that i dont want my ex to leave.

Why not focus on getting divorced or marriage therapy. Why were you in different countries when you married? Were either of you looking for a sham marriage for residency? It makes no sense.

You left your ex and that shipped has sailed. Pining over him AND staying in an unhappy (sham?) marriage is like having two broken hearts instead of one.

We just live in different countries so it happened faster than i wish it happened. We are too different and he is very short temper. i ended up tolerating more bad behavior to my husband.

I have known him for 5 years, we were in on and off long distance relationship. I am 25 yrs old my ex was younger 2 yrs than me so he was childish and around him was a lot of drama and i didnt want to participate in his growing up. I broke up with him not because i stopped loving him but because he obviously needed time to go wild some more and grow up before he can keep a relationship. Than i started serious with my current husband, by moving to his country. I lived there for one year and than we decided to come live in my country. So we got married. None of us married for residency it just happened organic, we wanted to be together but it was hard long distance so he decided to come live with me and to find a job here. But even before the wedding we had lots of problems he is short tempered and he does a lot of bad mouthing once he is angry. Despite that i thought we can make it work and that his temper and bad language will change with time. But it didnt.

I feel like i left my ex too early and that i wasnt patient enough with him. He was so young and all his flaws could just be part of growing up. But my current husband is 9 years older than me and 12 years older than my ex which means he is already formed, grown up man. He is who he really is. It hunts me that i forgave to my husband who is all grown up far worse things than my ex did. Plus my ex was just a child while doing all that. I hope you understand my confusion.

Fix your marriage or divorce. It has nothing to do with this immature exbf leaving, he's gone.

Deal with the options you DO have, not the options you DON'T have.

Fix your marriage or divorce. It has nothing to do with this immature exbf leaving, he's gone.

 

Deal with the options you DO have, not the options you DON'T have.

Thank you,

I know i do have to deal with my marriage, my husband refuses counseling he keeps saying he will change but even if he does that is temporary.

My ex seems changed and i am happy i can have him as a friend now after all that went down. I dont want to renew old relationship but i feel like him leaving will rip out something from me. When we met i felt good around him.

I have been so exhausted in this marriage that seeing him felt like a fresh air. I felt safe and i felt like i was the same person like before.

My husband tended to change me a lot. Seeing my ex reminded me that i am good the way i am and i remembered all the freedom i had with him. That i miss so much today.

Are you thinking of having an affair and this is why you neither want to leave the security and get divorced, nor say one good thing about your husband preferring to idolize this ex "who changed".

Does he want to enter an affair with you? Very often trashing the spouse is a precursor to justify an affair. You seem to neither want to fix your marriage nor get divorced.

Also a very common complaint for cheaters...they "can't leave" their marriage nor fix it, they are simply victims of nasty spouses and only running into the arms of another can fix it, right? have been so exhausted in this marriage that seeing him felt like a fresh air. I felt safe and i felt like i was the same person like before.

Are you thinking of having an affair and this is why you neither want to leave the security and get divorced, nor say one good thing about your husband preferring to idolize this ex "who changed".

 

Does he want to enter an affair with you? Very often trashing the spouse is a precursor to justify an affair. You seem to neither want to fix your marriage nor get divorced.

 

Also a very common complaint for cheaters...they "can't leave" their marriage nor fix it, they are simply victims of nasty spouses and only running into the arms of another can fix it, right?

 

No i dont think of having an affair because i dont want to hurt either one of them nor myself. But i do want to have my ex in my life as a friend and as somebody who knows me well and who accepts me the way i am. This is why i told you i am afraid not to send confusing signs to my ex as i do not want an affair. I know affair will not fix my situation, will just make if worse. Been there, done that, i cant let my self get burned that way again. But bad moments with him are wayyy less bad than my bad moments with my husband. I simply dont want to cut him off my life again. I felt good around him that day. Not romantically but emotionally i felt good, calm, myself and safe.

 

 

But to be honest with you i dont know what i want with my husband. I have little to no interest in him as his temper sucked life out of me. I dont even know if him changing will mean something to me at all right now. Maybe its that ruined that there is nothing left to do. I do have feelings for him but no passion. Its like i do care for him but in romantic way its almost nothing left. But there is habit. I feel weird thinking to dont be with him we are 24/7 together for 2,5 years. I am afraid of a change and of a whole process of divorce. Also what will happen to him. He is here with me and having job based on being married to me. I am too sentimental and i dont want his life to hand on a thread once we divorce. So you are right at some points i am afraid to think and go thru separation as i do have habit and feelings but also i feel that many things faded away and that it wont be able to bring them back.

So it is a sham marriage based on residency? Having an affair won't fix things either way.

I am afraid of a change and of a whole process of divorce. He is here with me and having job based on being married to me.

So it is a sham marriage based on residency? Having an affair won't fix things either way.

No it isnt base on residency. We got married before we moved to my country. I lived in his country once year, we got married than we lived 6 more months in his country and than we moved to my country. 8 month later he got a job here.

It was based on being in love but it was too rushed i guess we did it impulsively and we didnt get to know each other well before such a commitment. Also i ignored things i didnt like about him and still married him despite i already felt his bad temper.

With time i started to feel more and more unhappy, he changes his approach only when he expects something from me.

Shortly after he gets it he turns back to being so nervous and so easily angry.

We also come from different traditions and religions. So differences are huge.

I dont think of having an affair. I believe that would make more mess in my head than clear things out for me.

I dont think of having an affair.

This already is an affair 9090;6702425] we decided to meet up. We did so we had a drink and long nice conversation and agreed to rebuild trust and friendship between us. We stayed in touch

This already is an affair

 

Do you consider it an affair just because i am in bad relation with my husband already, or hanging out with different gender is affair itself?

Or because he was my ex?

 

I am very confused. Thank you for helping me out.

You are secretly meeting a man for drinks who you care about and had a thing with behind your husbands back. You know you are cheating because you are upset he's leaving the country and very very emotional about him. Stop kidding yourself that having drinks with a former lover you still love behind your "bad" spouse's back is so innocent.

Your contempt for your husband is the just the typical cheaters excuse to justify these trysts and think to yourself "Oh my spouse is so mean, and I can't divorce and it's all their fault and they won't fix it etc., etc. Yet you do nothing to either fix or extricate yourself from the marriage just complain and cheat.

Do you consider it an affair just because i am in bad relation with my husband already, or hanging out with different gender is affair itself?

I didnt have anything more than a coffee with my ex once we met. But you are right about me not doing anything to define my current status. I do need to make up my mind and decide whether i will divorce or stay.

But when you first reply to my post you said that it seems like my current unhappiness makes the love of my past shine by contrast. Now you said that you think i still love my ex. That is exactly what confused me - is it because i am unhappy now or its because i really do have feelings for him. I cant make a difference. All i know is that i am so sad for him leaving. I feel like i dont have to be in touch with him at all just dont want him leaving country. As a thought of him being around is enough.

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