Viewing sex.

So sexual compatibility appears to be a thing, even one that can be a cause for great unhappiness.

I'm coming out of my first relationship at 21 years old. It lasted four months and ended two months ago. I've talked a number of people's ears off about it, and I'm very thankful to see it as more than pain and remorse but a blessing. I have many mistakes that have given me the means to move forward and create something better the second go-round. I've even constructed a list of things I'd seek in a partner as well as mistakes.

One behavior of mine has me a bit stuck, though, and it's how much I wanted sex with my ex. The guy took my virginity and essentially opened up an entire reservoir of neglected exploration. The deep connection I shared with him on that level that only a comfort in him allowed me to progress to became something I craved. We had it twice, and talked excitedly about our future endeavors, and he seemed particularly sex-driven, but he was very experienced, limited to what he enjoyed, and cautious about opening himself up to such a bond before having a lot of confidence in the relationship, which I find very reasonable.

That being said, when a number of things created inevitable doubt in our longevity and we broke up for a brief period of time, it marked a necessity of recovery before doing it again, and it never happened. Whether it was him not having much of a libido, or feeling lazy, or having a health issue, or what I think was the truth, doubt about us, he refused it regularly, and it directly made me unhappy. He even said that had he not felt we were going to break for a length of time, we'd be doing it regularly. I discarded calmly staying and respecting that boundary in favor of my immediate desires.

I'd love to explore this, and I remember even bringing up something that I had been particularly interested in sexually to him and asking if he'd ever do it, and he said, "No, is that a deal-breaker?" I'm not about to have someone do something they are uncomfortable with, but I struggled to answer as I couldn't say no when it was a big part of me right then and would've meant so much to me if not such a blunt rejection. I couldn't say yes as we had created something meaningful outside of it, and I could disappointingly cater to it in other ways.

I certainly want things, and I value them much more in the confines of a monogamous relationship. Now that I'm single, I don't want to sleep around, and am still very much wanting it with him, the only one I've had as well as experienced this with, as it is a bond with me. I just question whether I should seek a partner more open to exploring which is something I certainly care about right now, or should I work to reevaluate my value of sex in terms of compatibility. Essentially, yes, I do think that my focus could have been off in certain moments, and that we could have worked to create a satisfying relationship in regards to sex one day.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

I just question whether I should seek a partner more open to exploring which is something I certainly care about right now, or should I work to reevaluate my value of sex in terms of compatibility.

There are plenty of people who value sex and exploration within a monogamous relationship. You will find a partner that is compatible with you. There's nothing wrong with having a strong sex drive and wanting to try new things.

You will find a compatible partner. I found it difficult to manage my high drive, but over time learned to have faith that I would find suitable partners, and most importantly, to love and accept myself with no judgment whatsoever. There are as many ways to form sexual connections as there are people, and as many views of right and wrong. Normal is irrelevant because this is a personal matter that doesn't need to conform to anyone else. That said, the drive you feel is normal and rational. You'll be fine.

My advice is, learn to satisfy yourself well and often, so that you are self sufficient and not dependent on men for sexual pleasure.

I struggle with this issue in my relationship. We have been together for 2 years now and usually my bf only wants to have sex once a week. Which can be difficult for me. He didn't seem open about trying new things but I have slowly opened him up to it. If you have good communication outside of the bedroom you can have good communication in the bedroom just be honest and open to there wants too. I know this can be hard when you are with someone that is really stuck on what they like. I wish you luck in your search for that special person

So, I'm still very much getting over this person, and so I'm not sure how advisable it is to revisit certain ideas they taught me. I'm going to try and disconnect them from the individual to the best of my ability.

We might be crossing into different territory, but I have a bit of a kink, and it is certainly the thing that I mentioned in the post that they were blatantly uncomfortable with. I can see that it'd be foreign to most, but it still occupied a huge part of my sex drive before I lost my virginity. I was insecure and embarrassed about it, no doubt, and despite them not wanting to partake, they knew I was afraid to be open about it and insisted I not allow it to be such a block in regards to any variety of sex whatsoever.

It being a borderline fetish with the exclusive focus on it for such a long time before I actually had sex, I'm beginning to think it'd be really beneficial to explore it and come to terms with it (and inevitably, other interests) outside of relationships but in real life so that I can avoid that in the future and not view it as me not being accepted. I guess, since this post, I'm wondering if it might be a time to explore these things outside of monogamy simply for confidence for when that person does come along.

Despite my ex being pretty open and patient about my position, I know that my insecurity and inevitable determination in progressing in this area was something that existed somewhat outside of that person, and I'm hesitant to burden another with that.

Then again, as clarisse said, someone may come along who just accepts all of this (even more so than him), and I'm gaining through mistakes the wisdom to not let it become a focal point in my relationship again. Can I own it before it's even escaped my fantasies, though? It's a toss up. I have some ways to go to really wrap my mind around this.