Need Help Overcoming Abuse

I was recently in a very mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissisit. I had no idea it was going on, in fact she was the one who ended the relationship. Accusing me of being controlling and abusive. I took those accusations very seriously and sought help. While I was doing that I came across this forum. And it was after I posted my story here (big thanks to Aliceunderice, Krankor and Ms. Darcy) that I began to realize that I was the one who was abused.

I don't want to retell my entire story, you can find it here:

It goes to about page 5 or 6. She accused me of almost everything except for hitting her, she even said I sexually assaulted her. Her favorite weapons were guilt and shame. They were so affective that I came very close to killing myself. Her accusations made me question everything about myself. Even today I'm more concerned about how I may have hurt her.

I'm still having difficulty not only accepting that I was abused, I am having trouble dealing with it in general. I would like to know how you came to accept the fact you were abused and how you were able to over come it and live with it.

My therapy really isn't working and I desperately need help. Please help me.

hi,

i read what you wrote in the other post, but i did not read other people's responses to that. it sounds like you really love her, but you two are having trouble communicating in a loving way.

think of why you love her so much. when you wrote her the 18 page letter, you should have only written why you love her, NOT point out why she hurt you.

when she had panic attacks after realizing that you took on extra shifts over the weekends to save up money to send her on the Germany trip and to even save up for an engagement ring, this tells me that she was really moved by you. maybe she panicked because you mentioned engagement or marriage and she wasn't ready for that.

i don't know if i would really label your relationship as an abusive one. yes you cussed at her when you were angry, but it wasn't a daily thing when things were going well. it sounds like she was also manipulative of your emotions. you both did some wrong doing to each other. but the difference is, you were willing to apologize and she wasn't/isn't. she thinks she's right and has not shown any remorse.

look, if a woman is in love with a man, she will not run away from him when she hears that he's been saving up money for her. she will jump into his arms and forgive all that had gone on.

but it sounds like she's not able to bury the hatchet. she keeps bringing up the past about how the romance has disappeared and seems to blame it on you.

if this was happening in a marriage, i would say you need a marriage counselor. but it sounds like you two have MAJOR communication barrier.

have you ever read the book the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman? i think you should read that and find out what language you or she speaks. She may feel loved through Words of Affirmation and you may speak Acts of Service.

in any case, you should work on yourself while you two aren't together. try to work on not talking badly about anyone, especially the person you love. try to find out what you should be doing in order to show that you love. i know you think that saving up money for her was the GRANDEST gesture of love for her, but she flat out rejected that saying she doesn't want your money. first of all, if you look at it from her perspective, it makes her feel indebted to you. and it feels almost like you're trying to buy her love. but you may have not meant to make her feel that way at all. you may have just wanted her to be happy. see? there's miscommunication between the two of you.

i'm frankly surprised that you were depressed enough to the point of wanting to kill yourself. you should never think of that again. life is too precious. you are precious. you were meant to live on this earth. let that be a by gone and never ever go back to that.

Please keep reading all of my posts to page 5. In the beginning I didn't see it as abuse either. Just a lot of miscommunication. Please keep reading. Especially her response to my letter.

Also I never swore at her (just once when I texted her "don't be b@tchy". Which started all this). I would swear while talking to her or when I was angry, or degrading myself.

I didn't just bur her stuff. I told her I loved her or that she's beautiful every chance I got. We loved talking about our future together. How many kids we'd have, what kind of house and so on. She knew I was going to propose sooner or later. We had talked about it before.

The ring was my grand gesture of love. Not the money.

In my letter I defended myself because she called me abusive and controlling. But the letter wasn't all that. I put everything in it. Like I said, I poured my heart and soul into it.

I was recently in a very mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissisit. I had no idea it was going on, in fact she was the one who ended the relationship. Accusing me of being controlling and abusive. I took those accusations very seriously and sought help. While I was doing that I came across this forum. And it was after I posted my story here (big thanks to Aliceunderice, Krankor and Ms. Darcy) that I began to realize that I was the one who was abused.

 

I don't want to retell my entire story, you can find it here:

It goes to about page 5 or 6. She accused me of almost everything except for hitting her, she even said I sexually assaulted her. Her favorite weapons were guilt and shame. They were so affective that I came very close to killing myself. Her accusations made me question everything about myself. Even today I'm more concerned about how I may have hurt her.

 

I'm still having difficulty not only accepting that I was abused, I am having trouble dealing with it in general. I would like to know how you came to accept the fact you were abused and how you were able to over come it and live with it.

 

My therapy really isn't working and I desperately need help. Please help me.

I unfortunately did not seek therapy...which I probably should...even today.

I'm happy-er now, moved on, new boyfriend but because of my prior relationship ( 6 years ) I have scars when it comes to trust.

My current boyfriend is very understanding and he knows that my issues with trust has nothing to do with him but everything to do with me.

I'll ask more questions than I should, I'll worry without a reason and as a result become more and more guarded.

We are open with each other and I do tell him what worries me and we are able to sit down and chat away my worries.

Most of all, it's me, I need to work on that every single day.

I need to sit down and breathe and relax.

Talking to myself in my head, reminding me that my bf isn't at fault for my worries.

He hasn't done anything to cause me to not trust him.

You can say it's a form of anxiety.

My ex bf used to emotionally punish me whenever I behaved in a way he didn't seem acceptable in his eyes.

He would yell, scream, make me feel small...and when things got really bad, he would sulk and give me the silent treatment until I apologized. ( my fault or not )

It could go on for days, once it went on for over a month.

He would talk to me once he'd break me down, make me cry...once I really showed him how sorry I was.

but you see, because he didn't call me names or insult me directly or hit me...I really started thinking I was fked up and he was right.

I never saw him as abusive until we broke up and I started talking to people, reading, doing online research.

It took me a long time to understand what he was doing to me.

I've always been a tough girl so I couldn't believe it was happening to me.

He broke my trust, he deceived me over and over and broke me down.

I'm not sure this will help you but I do hope it makes you feel better.

Thanks msbrunette. It does help.

I have a question for you. Since you've suffered abuse yourself would you mind reading my other post and giving me your opinion. My story is basically all my posts from page 1 to 5.