gundam94

I have a very hard time understanding is your actions leading up to you dumping me. You acted as if everything was fine. The last date we had, which was on my birthday. The date itself was fantastic. Probably one of the best dates we've ever had. But looking back it was all lies. You started the tradition of giving me a rubber duck for my birthday, saying you're going to give me one every year. You said that knowing you were already going to leaving me. We held hands as we watched the movie. You did that knowing you were pursuing Nick. You told me you loved me. You said that knowing you no longer had romantic feelings for me. We went out to lunch and you said how you would love to do it again. You said knowing that there would never be a next time. We interlocked our legs under the table. You did that while you were having an emotional affair with Nick. We held hands as we drove home. I told you how I couldn't wait to do stuff like that with you every weekend and you agreed. You agreed, knowing that you no longer wanted to be with me in the future. It was all lies. Then just a week later you came over. You cuddled up to me like you always do. But you wanted it to be Nick, not me. You told me you loved me but you no longer did. You said you couldn't wait till the day came where you wouldn't have to leave. You said that knowing that was the last time you were ever coming over because you already knew you were leaving me. You gave me absolutely no indication that you were unhappy. That you were planning on leaving me. You gave no indication that you no longer loved me. Little did I know that in just 3 weeks the person I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with would be turning my entire world upside-down. The fact that you did all that, while you were already pursuing Nick, didn't love me anymore and we're planning on leaving is absolutely horrible. I cannot even find words to describe just how disgusting that is. I have never met somebody who was capable of doing something that selfish and horrible. What you did is one of the most horrible things you can do to your significant other.

There is so much I want to say, I don't know where to begin. But I will try to keep this as short as possible. I guess I'll start with your email. I have shown it to my new therapist, my old therapist, my psychiatrist (who I've been seeing for over 15 years) and several women who have been in abusive relationships. I'm happy to say that they have all said that I am NOT abusive. Furthermore all of the mental health professionals I am seeing also work with victims of abuse. They have told me that abuse victims don't write “self-righteous, holier-than-thou” (their words, not mine) letters to their abusers. Victims of abuse get weaker, more dependent, the fail to see the abuse as abuse, they are more concerned about what they did to hurt their partner then they are about themselves, and they certainly don't threaten their abuser with physical violence. Victims of abuse do the exact opposite of everything you had in your email. They have pointed out that I have those symptoms. The women I talked to who have been abused echoed what the mental health professionals said. They have all asked me this question: Who was abusing who? They have pointed to you because of your email and your priorities in our relationship. Your emails sole purpose was to guilt and shame me, while blaming me for everything wrong in your life (even things I have absolutely no control over or where already present in your life before we met), you made things about you when it had nothing to do with you (like when I took my anger out on myself) and taking absolutely no responsibility for your own actions and choices. As for your priorities, they said the fact that you put all the responsibility onto me for setting up “dates” because “you didn't want to invite yourself over” is absolutely ridiculous. They called that “toxic delegation”, in other words you put me in a “no-win” situation and I was set up to fail from the beginning. That is a form of emotional abuse. One of many they have pointed out to me. You are correct, you should never have to cancel your plans for me. However you should've been actively looking for time for us to spend together. You chose not to. Your excuse of being busy is just that, an excuse. The real reason is you didn't care about my needs or feelings. I simply wasn't that important to you. They have told me if I was you would've put more effort into the relationship, instead of pushing almost all of it on me. All of them also pointed to how you interacted with me the first time you saw me after you sent your email. They said that if I really was the monster you accused me of being or if you really believed I was that monster, you would've acted much differently. If it was true or you really believed it you would never have been in the same room as me or sat that close to me or talked to me. They all, myself included, believe now that you made those accusations just to hurt me. As for who abused who? For me that is a difficult question to answer. That was until I got that anonymous email. I learned more about you in those few hours then I have in the past few years. It not only showed me that you lied to me during our entire break up, it showed you had been lying to me for months beforehand. Because of this I have realized that our entire relationship was a lie. I have realized that I never knew the real you. That's why it felt like I was arguing with a stranger. It's because I was, I was meeting the real you for the first time. It opened my eyes to just how much you had manipulated me at the end of our relationship. You've probably been doing it the entire time and I was to blinded by love to see it. Why didn't you just tell me the truth? Why did you compound lie after lie? I know you wanted to leave. I know you wanted to date Nick. I know you didn't love me anymore. If you “just want a normal relationship”. Which so did I and expect for the obvious I thought we did. I guess i was very wrong. I know you were having an emotional affair with Nick. It really bothered me you were spending so much time with somebody you knew had romantic feelings for you. It really bothered me you saw him more frequently than you saw me. Every time I would mention that, you assured me I had nothing to worry about. I had no reason not to trust you, so I did. I see now that doing so was a major mistake. In any case, you should have told me the truth. I know you were planning on dumping me for a while. That's why you never asked about our Christmas. You knew there wasn't going to be an “our Christmas”. I know you were home and bored during New Years. Again you lied about that. I know you did in fact dump me that first weekend. Then you lied to me afterwards. You lead me to believe there was a relationship to save, when you knew you there was nothing to save. You lead me on for 4 weeks thinking that you were working with me to try and save our relationship. Those are just a fraction of the things I learned from that email. I have always been open and honest with you. Perhaps a little too much, but I expected you to do the same. I don't believe you have ever told me the truth. As for my anger I will say this. I took out my anger and depression on myself. I'm sorry you had to witness that. I thought I could open up to you and you wouldn't judge me. Again I was wrong. You made that issue all about yourself. Claiming how much I made you suffer. I'm not saying it wasn't hard for you to hear. But I WANTED TO DIE! So how do you think I felt? Don't you think I was suffering? In your email it basically says you didn't care how I was feeling. The only thing you cared about was the fact that it made you feel bad. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. You made my problems about you. While I am not proud I subjected you to that, I can hold my head up high and be proud because I did go get help. I got help and got better. I transferred to machining and I am much happier now. I went and got help for my depression. I made the changes I needed to make. I am much happier now. Also you said you couldn't wait around for me to change. But why should I be the only one to change? Shouldn't you be working on being less afraid of anger and yelling? Shouldn't we both be changing for each other? After all anger and yelling are a part of everyday life. Especially if you want to be a lawyer. Yelling and anger will part of your life every single day. It's very selfish to expect me to change for you when you're unwilling to do the same for me. I'm not saying I did nothing wrong. I made my fair share of mistakes. Sometimes I was completely in the wrong, like when I yelled when you got pulled over. Sometimes I was in the wrong but my heart was in the right place, like when your uncle died. Others while I was in the wrong, they were completely non-issues. Best example is when I showed up at Starbucks, then left right away. I did make mistakes. But the sum of those mistakes do not come anywhere close to equaling how you treated me. You said that I was your best friend. You said that you still love me. You said that you need me in your life. I'm sorry, but I no longer believe that. I would never do what you did to me to a friend, let alone a best friend. What you did was absolutely horrible, cold, heartless, selfish, entitled and immature. It shows a complete lack of empathy. It shows a complete disregard of my feelings. You treated me the exact same way your father treats you. If you had been honest with me from the beginning, maybe things between us could be different. Unfortunately they are not. After everything you have said and done, I have absolutely no desire to talk to you. I have said some very hurtful things but they all pale in comparison to what you did. The most unfortunate part of this entire thing is how you chose to end it. Out of all the options you could've chosen, you picked the worst possible one. If you had been honest and told me in person, things would be different. Would I have been upset? Of course. Would I have been hurt? Absolutely? Would I have still tried to save our relationship? Yes, I would've. The relationship still probably would've ended. But at least there would've been a better chance of us being friends again and maybe even a better chance of us trying again if you had made a different choice. What you did tells me that not only do you only care about yourself. It tells me just how little you valued me, our friendship and our relationship. It tells me just how little the past 3 years have meant to you. I won't lie, that hurts. That is the saddest part about this. We were so good together. I knew once we got married we'd be unstoppable. I knew we would make a great couple. I knew we'd make great parents. While yes we had our rough spots and our fights, that's part of a relationship. It's not always sunshine and fun. Sometimes it's darkness and bad feelings. But the good times far far outweighed the bad. It was your choice to end our relationship. I did everything I could to save it. But you made your own choices and they are your choices alone. It's unfortunate that you made the choice that you would rather face life without me in your life. When you could've had me standing by your side facing life together head on. I'm sad you made the choice to hide everything from me. I'm sad you threw away our relationship for absolutely no reason. But those were all choices you made and now we both have to live with those choices. That's all I really wanted to say. I don't expect a response, honestly I don't even expect you to read this. This is for my own well being. I can now move on with my life. I suppose I should thank you. Because of this I have opened my eyes. I have learned a lot about myself and I will be a much stronger, happier and better person because of this. This ordeal has reminded me of who I really am, it turns out I had forgotten over the past 2 years. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I am an overly nice, caring and outgoing person. A person who puts the needs of others in front of his own. I'm not without my flaws and demons, everybody has them. But my positive qualities far outnumber and outweigh my negative ones. It's disappointing you're choosing not to see that and only focusing on my negative ones. In a relationship you accept your partner along with their flaws, nobody is perfect. It's unfortunate you're choosing to not understand that. I have remembered who I really am. I know I will find someone. I will find somebody who wants to spend time with me. Somebody who treats me as an equal. I will find someone who will love and respect me as much as I love and respect them. They will be my partner in every sense of the word. I will treasure them and they will treasure me. I will make them happy beyond their wildest dreams. It really is a shame you decided that someone wasn't you. With that I will take my leave. You made the choice that you no longer want me in your life. Despite how much I may care about you. As much as it may hurt, as much as I may not want to...With all that's happened, with all that you did, with all that you said. You have given me no other choice then to oblige you. I will leave you with one final thought: They say you can tell who a person really is. What their true colors are by how they act during a break up. While yes in the beginning I said mean and hurtful things. However afterwards I tried my very best to save our relationship. You and I both know what you did.

I have been absolutely devastated by my break up. I was a week away from proposing to her. When she dumped me she didn't just leave, she completely destroyed (on purpose) me then left. What you ex did is exactly what mine did. It felt like I was arguing with a stranger. Relationships are supposed to be about equality. It's a long read but it's an example of just how much a guy can be heart broken. It's my story and it proves your quote right. Please read it and share your thoughts.

Thank you. For what it's worth I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am trying my hardest to be strong. Some days are better then others

NC attempt 3 Day 8 I am really struggling today. I really want to contact her. I...miss her so much. I hate the fact that I do. She has done all these terrible things...and I still can't stop loving her. I can't stop missing her. I know she's absolutely toxic for me...but I'd give absolutely anything to have her back. I don't understand why she couldn't just tell me the truth. It would've hurt just as much but I think I'd be easier to get over. Not this...I'm torn between loving her, missing her and wanting her back. And hating her (which makes me feel guilty) and being glad she's gone. I'm so angry at myself. I put my life on hold for her for 2 and a half years. She promised me the world and I bought it, hook, line and sinker. Now I'm sitting her crying because I've wasted almost 3 years of my life for nothing. I loved her. I would've done anything for her. It hurts so much to be replaced so quickly. It says how little me and those 2 years truly meant to her. I tried do hard to save our relationship, only to find out later that there was nothing to save. I would give anything, absolutely anything to forget all about her. Those 2 and a half years were, despite all the BS, we're the happiest of my life. I thought that if we could make it till she graduated then we'd be together forever. We had final gotten to the point where we had more time behind us then in front till that day. The next year and a half were supposed to be smooth sailing. I was supposed to get engaged on Christmas. Instead my perfect future was destroyed by the one person I'd thought would never hurt me. She left and moved on to the next one. And I'm left to pick up the pieces of myself. To try and carry on. And I don't know how. She was everything to me. I feel so empty without her. I hate this so much. I just want it to go away. It's been almost 2 months now and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I just want to forget. I just want to move on.

NC attempt 3 Day 5 It's been a very strange week. Lots of mixed feelings. I found out the truth on Monday. How she had been lying and cheating on me for months. So I've gone from feeling extreme anger to extreme sadness. I'm glad she's gone and I miss her terribly. I've also had the overwhelming desire to contact her. To yell at her and ask her why she did all this. But I know the only way I can move on and forget about her is to not contact her. And after learning everything, I want nothing to do with her.

NC attempt 3 Day 1 I still feel like I did the right thing yesterday. But I still miss her. I still really love her. No matter what she's done to me I want to forgive her. I know she no longer loves me that way. But it's hard to just turn that off. I know it will pass in time. But for now it still hurts.

I understand how you feel. Just remember to breathe, take deep breaths if you need to calm yourself. Try to remain as civil as you can be. Don't engage her unless you absolutely have to. I won't lie...when I saw my ex on Friday...it was the first time since the split, it had been a month...when I got home I cried. I cried all weekend. You need to be prepared because it might hurt more then when you 2 originally split...it did for me.

NC attempt 3 Day 0 D@mit...I found out she had cheated on me and stopped loving me "romantically" at least a month before she left me. Meaning she was lying to me for at least a month. For whatever reason I needed to go confront her. So I did. She started crying, gave me the finger and told me "Go F yourself. That's not what happened". I have 100% irrefutable proof that she did all this. As I was leaving she said "Goodbye gundam94, have a good life". I ignored her and kept walking. And of course now I feel absolutely terrible. The guilt is absolutely killing me. I still love her. I made her cry...I feel absolutely terrible for doing that. I hate myself.

NC still day 2 (attempt 2) I stayed home from work. I can't stop crying. I never should have volunteered on Friday. I am spiraling out of control. It hurts more then the original split. I found out she was cheating on me. I found out she still has a lot of power over me.

NC Day 2 All of her behaviors make sense now. She was cheating on me. Probably sense September or October. That's when she started to change. Then to make herself feel better for what she was doing she turned me into the bad guy. She blamed everything on me. I've been crying all day and I've hardly gotten any sleep.

Thanks. Today has been one of the worst days of the split. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It's a terrible thing and I will never understand why some people think it's ok.

NC attempt 2 Day 1. I never should have gone and volunteered. I knew you were going to be there. But for whatever reason I still went. I wish I hadn't. You did everything you could to make it uncomfortable. You even sat right across from me. When I couldn't take it anymore and I left you not only said goodbye but you told me that it was nice to see me again. I ignored you, kept walking and never looked back. When I got to my car I cried. Then I find out that you were cheating on me. When I found that out I cried all night. I'm back at square one. With Valintines Day tomorrow I'm struggling even more. Add to it that she's cheated on me. I hurt so much I can't stand it. I've been crying off and on all day.

Day 31 It's been a struggle today. Work was slow and I did my best not to think of her. It was going well until I did my weekly shopping. While at the store I noticed that Specter had just come out on DVD. I was going to get it when I remembered that we went to see that movie on what ended up being our last date. Which was the same day as my birthday. It brought back a lot of memories of the good times and I began to really miss her. Then I couldn't stop thinking of her. I didn't cry, I haven't cried for 2 weeks now. Besides that I'm not as sad as I used to be. I no longer have the overwhelming feeling of being lost. It's still there but not as bad. I'm also beginning to finally accept who she really is and how she treated me. Both being horrible.

Day 28 It was a normal Monday at work. Did some thinking on our relationship. I still really miss her but it's not as painful as it used to be. The desire to talk to her is still there but it's very very small now. I'm still left with a lot of questions that I'll never have answers to. Other than that, I'm making plans for the weekend. Thinking I'm going to go see a movie with my brother.

It's been about 4 weeks with NC. I just found this thread. My relationship ended terribly. I take it day by day. Some days are better than others. I missed her a lot on Saturday and I tried my best to keep myself busy. I write my feelings down in a journal every day and it helps a lot. I also see a therapist once a week. There's anger replacing my sadness. But whenever the anger goes away I feel very guilty for being angry at her. I still love her very much. It's hard to explain. You can find my story here: Or if the link doesn't work, you can find my thread under Relationship, entitled “My girlfriend of 2 years dumped me” But to make a long story short: She dumped me claiming I was abusive and controlling. It took a long time and a lot of outside perspective to get me to realize she was doing it to me.