Specific advice for moving on from a hot/cold relationship

I was in a 3 year relationship with Ann. She broke up with me twice during this time, before breaking up with me for good. This was a big relationship for me, and I'm still struggling to move on. I want to ask for advice/success stories/encouragement on a few issues.

To make things not annoying to read, I'll list my questions first. Some background about the relationship is after my questions.

1) How do I accept not understanding what went wrong with this important relationship?

Ann and I split up 18 months ago, and 7 months ago she moved to a new city with her new boyfriend (unfortunately I'm also moving to this city, for work - at least it's a huge city).

We've had almost no contact since we split up: two very misguided dinners together and a dozen emails.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm having a very difficult time accepting that the relationship is over, and that we won't get back together a third time. Each time we broke up, it was because Ann didn't feel "passionately" about us, without any further explanation. But then she'd change her mind and I'd take her back, again without really understanding what had gone wrong.

How do I stop thinking "Well, she changed her mind and we got back together twice, why not a third time"?

Even after our last split, where Ann said she felt this breakup was "different" (again, no further explanation), I still have trouble accepting the fact that the relationship is over. Ann pushed hard to stay in touch after this last breakup, until I finally completely broke off contact just a few months ago.

How do I stop thinking "She wouldn't have pushed so hard to stay in touch if she didn't feel something for me"?

The truth is, I won't ever really know how Ann felt about me, or what was wrong for her, or if it would have been possible to fix things. How do you accept this? How do you accept that maybe it COULD have worked out, but it didn't, and that's OK?

2) How do I forgive myself?

Given that this relationship was so important to me, and that I loved Ann so much, how do I forgive myself for the relationship failing?

I still beat myself up for my failings in the relationship. I have recurrent regrets: if only I had communicated better, if only I hadn't been so depressed with work, if only I hadn't been lashed out at her so much the last time around, then maybe things could have worked out between us.

This really gets me down. How do I forgive myself and move on?

3) This relationship trashed my self-esteem.

The failure of this relationship still feels like a big personal failure of mine. I still compare myself to her and feel inadequate in many ways. I feel that I'm not physically attractive enough to be with a truly desirable woman like Ann. I feel like my professional accomplishments are fradulent compared to hers (we're in similar career fields).

I feel like Ann's rejection of me says that I'll never be good enough in these categories.

Does anyone have advice for overcoming trashed self-esteem from a romantic rejection?

4) It's taking a long time to move on.

Eighteen months after the breakup, it feels like I'm still emotionally dealing with this relationship. I think about Ann frequently. I try to keep busy and have gone a number of really fun adventures and trips. Nevertheless, frequently when I accomplish something I end up thinking "I wish Ann could see me doing this/experience this with me".

Is it OK it's taking so long? Does it take this long for other people? I feel ridiculous talking about my feelings with friends and family, since it makes me feel like a loser that I'm still hung up on her.

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Background

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I met Ann, my ex, in my late 20's and we dated on and off for about 3 years, before she broke up with me for the last time a year and a half ago.

I was (am?) obsessively in love with her - the feelings are so big that they're hard to put in words.

I had been in multi-year (even cohabitating) relationships prior to Ann, but being with Ann was so different that it made my earlier relationships seem insignificant, although at the time, those earlier relationships definitely were important to me.

Dating her was completely intoxicating: it felt like we were ideally matched intellectually (this is important to me), but also in terms of life plans, ambition, political views, music/movie/book tastes, sense of humor. She introduced me to many new wonderful things at a time when I was eager to grow and branch out and which have become a big part of my identity. She was the only woman I've met in my life (I'm 32) that I wanted to plan a permanent future with.

I was also incredibly physically attracted to her, much more so than any prior girlfriend. I have hangups about my body: I was overweight as a teenager/young adult, then lost the weight but now am self-conscious about my droopy tummy/stretch marks.

In my opinion, the biggest problem in our relationship was that Ann couldn't make up her mind if she wanted to be with me. During our 3 years together Ann broke up with me twice: once for a few weeks, and a second time for 8 months. Both times we got back together after repeated contact from me. I would reach out under the guise of "let's be friends, but I still have feelings for you", and she agreed to get back together.

For the entire time we were together she would swing hot/cold towards me. Sometimes it felt like she loved me as much as I loved her: she'd join me in planning a future together, take me along to family get togethers, act very lovingly, etc.

In her cold phases she would be distant and unloving towards me. It felt like she couldn't stand to be around me, and no matter what I did I would irritate her. I didn't provoke these swings, and I could never figure out what caused them.

I felt like I couldn't relax and be myself around her for the entire 3 years we were together. This seems crazy in retrospect, but despite all the time we spent together, she rarely got to see the normal, relaxed, happy me.

I felt like I couldn't be myself around her because I was trying to be the "perfect boyfriend" to win her over, to keep her in her "hot" state towards our relationship.

Moreover, Ann was a judgmental person in general. During our relationship I internalized a lot of her judgements about herself and others which really trashed my self-esteem. I thought I didn't work hard enough, that no attractive woman would put up with my droopy stomach, that I wasn't talented, and that I was obnoxious in social situations.

I know these things aren't true, but I still felt (and feel) that if only I could fix all these things that were wrong about me, then Ann would come around and we'd be happy together.

The first two times she broke up with me, she said the same thing: she didn't think anything in particular was wrong with me, but that she just wasn't excited or passionate about the relationship and wants out.

The last time we got back together, after 8 months apart, I think I had built up a lot of mistrust towards her. In this last part of our relationship I frequently lashed out at her when I perceived her hot/cold cycles. I'm sure that at least some of this wasn't deserved by her, and I regret it.

I've been in therapy pretty consistently since the final breakup. I'm also working through some self-help books:

Getting past your breakup, Susan Elliott

How to heal a broken heart in 30 days, Bronsen and Riley

Feeling good about the way you look, Wilhelm

How to break your addiction to a person, Halpern

Any advice is really appreciated!

well, you do not need to read any books in order to get through this. People were in relationships and had their hearts broken before any "experts" on this field existed.

From what I understood from your post she was never really that into you, thus the 2 break ups and her being hot and cold at times and this is something you really have to understand, not just read.

Just to answer your questions

1) You cant understand everything, especially when it comes to women. Even if she had given you a more acceptable reason for the break up, you still wouldnt know if it was true or not because sometimes people do not tell the truth so that they dont hurt their partner. Maybe she was chatting/flirting/going out with her current bf before she broke up with you. You cant know and you shouldnt care, the important thing here is that she is no longer part of your life.

2) You do not have to forgive yourself for anything. We all make mistakes or bad desicions, you just have to be man enough to accept the consiquenses and not repeat them. Every relationship, romantic or not, is a lesson learned. You use your experiences for the future relationships.

3) Do not compare your self to Annie or anyone else. You are who you are, maybe you were not good enough for Annie, but you are about perfect for someone else. Also we have to accept that there is someone out there who is better than un in some fields, whether that is our job, our height, our looks, whatever. Focus on yourself, both psysically and mentally and try to improve what you think you lack.

4) Everyone is different, some people move on fast, some just need more time. BUT it is a matter of fact that the more active you are, the more people you meet or date the faster you move on.

It is time you accept that she is no longer part of your life, she is with someone else and why on earth would you want to be with someone who chose another guy over you in the first place?

Work on your ego and ask for more, aka force yourself to believe that you deserve more than that. And that includes all aspects of your life. You can become more successful in your career, you can find a better partner, you can become more attractive, you can do whatever the #@#@ you put your mind into. Keep your head up bro

Hey I couldn't read the whole thing but I had similar experience I was in a 3 year relationship she left me I think 5 times plus an overseas trip for 3 months where I found dodgy messages to blokes......its 12 months for me and I feel like you do and I think I still will at 18 months. ..I know that its not advice but wanted you to know your not the only one.....its bloody terrible and I still shed a tear every night ..yet she moved on seamlessly. ..I dunno mate the world can be a cruel place and yes there is worse things in life but ppl no love is f u c ked when it goes sour

My ex was also hot and cold. It felt like you were describing her when you were describing your ex. I lived with the hot and cold. Sometimes she would seem to be so in love with me and other times she would be so annoyed by me. Every single thing I did was annoying and she took no interest in anything I said. Nor did she want to tell me anything about her day. It would sometimes be a complete contrast to her of a week before. I think what you need to realise is that she wasn't so great and she was flawed.

I bet when she was cold you sometimes thought to yourself that you couldn't do this for the rest of your life? I used to think that. When she was hot, I was so happy and imagined a great future. However, within moments she could be so distant (could last for hours/days/weeks) and I wondered if I deserved better. It always felt to me like she loved me but was annoyed she had to put effort in and I would do everything in my power to make everything easy for her. Keep the hot going like you. Could you imagine living the rest of your life like that? wouldn't it be exhausting? sure there were great times, but it shouldn't be so one-sided should it? and why oh why do you want to be with someone that left you or could throw you away so easily? (it's hard to answer isn't it? I have the same problem) - think this - somewhere inside of you, isn't there a voice saying that you deserve better than someone like this?

One tip I might give is, don't use her name so much. Just call her the ex. I find that using her name (although mine had a very unique name) that it kind of gives them power or relevance/makes them current in your mind.

This sounds a lot like my ex. Hot and cold, hot and cold- even after we've been broken up. He'll text for like a week and then back off again.

One book that really helped me kind of make sense of this kind of relationship was "He's Scared, She's Scared". It discusses the fears of partners with active commitment conflicts (like our exes) and passive commitment conflicts (myself). There's a good section that talks about recovering from a commitmentphobic relationship and the ways that prolong our recovery: blaming ourselves, holding out hope, etc. I know that's what has delayed my healing. It also says that those with active conflicts always assume that their partner will take them back if they ever decide to come back. Don't let this happen, Redrick. You deserve better- we both do. Good luck!

Hi there, Redrick. So I might be painting myself as a bad guy here, but this sounds just like the relationship I had before my most recent one, except that I was the "Ann" in my relationship. I posted in another thread about "John". Basically, on paper, John and I were very compatible. But in person I simply didn't feel the right chemistry with him. Chemistry is a funny thing - most people think of it as a phenomenon that's mutually felt between two people. However I think two people in a relationship can have completely different views of the chemistry within the relationship.

In my case, I tried many many times to break up with John throughout our 2 year relationship. But John always talked me out of it. Then I'd try a little longer, get more resentful and more irritated with him (when he wasn't really doing anything wrong, just existing and being himself), and then I'd begin the cycle again. There really isn't one thing wrong with John. In fact, I'd say he's a catch - he's smart, kind, thoughtful, has a good job and a good family - he's the type of guy most women would like to settle down with. But he simply wasn't the right catch for me. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that was missing, it's just that I didn't particularly enjoy his company and the idea of a future with him left me feeling disappointed. So I finally had to end it once and for all.

So for your questions...

1) How do I accept not understanding what went wrong with this important relationship?

Honestly, she probably doesn't fully understand what went wrong. Sometimes two people just aren't the right fit. It's hard, I know, because to you, she seemed like the perfect fit. But trust me, she wasn't. The woman who is the right fit won't reject you.

2) How do I forgive myself?

You have nothing to forgive yourself for. You did nothing wrong. It simply wasn't the right relationship, and there's nothing you could've done differently to change the outcome. Trust me.

3) This relationship trashed my self-esteem.

It sounds like you spent too much time seeking Ann's approval. My ex also did this with me. After a while, I found this smothering, and so I didn't react the best way. You honestly sound like a great guy. Don't let one woman's opinion define you. There are billions of people in the world. Don't place your self worth into one very biased judge.

4) It's taking a long time to move on.

That's okay - you heal at your own pace. The fact that there was a yo-yo effect in your relationship makes things harder. You probably spent more time holding out false hope, and devising ways to get her back since you'd done it before. Try to shift your focus to new things. You're moving to a new city. Ignore the fact that she also lives there. It's a new city with new opportunities, including countless new women who you could have a better connection with.

Honestly, I think you've just put Ann on a pedestal and you're having a hard time taking her off. The problem is, you put her on this pedestal even when you were in the relationship. Then when she was disappointed, you just tried harder and harder to please her. I think this psychologically programmed you to operate this way. You were seeking "rewards" from Ann for your behavior, and when you didn't get them, you tried even harder.

I'm not proud of being the Ann in my own past relationship, but I do feel I can relate to your situation from the opposite point of view, so if you have any questions for me feel free to PM me. I'm happy to try to help.

Thank you all for the kind replies - they're all helpful.

I'll check out "He's scared, She's scared" - Ann used "I'm afraid of commitment" more than once to explain our problems. It also helps to hear other people say "This sounds familiar" - if other people can survive and thrive, I can too

The advice to convince myself that I deserve better is spot on. Of course, the problem is that I tell myself "I didn't want to settle for being unhappy, I wanted to change her so she'd always feel 'hot' towards me.". In other words, I wanted her to be a different person.

AmelieM's reply, from "Ann"'s perspective is very useful. In a sense, the problem really was that she "wasn't that into me", or, to put it more kindly, maybe she loved and appreciated me in some perhaps profound way (for her, at the time), but NOT in the consuming, long-term partner way that I loved her.