18 years old, my online life diary

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I've decided to start an online diary about my thought, fellings and life on wordpress and keep it anonymous. After my ex girlfriend broke up with me, my life has been a wreck and I really want to get it back on track. Hopefully this will help me and motivate me to help myself.

I did used to keep a diary book but I stopped when I started uni, and now I'm starting up again but on the internet.

Any suggestions to what I can do to improve it?

How can I get more readers?

Is this a good or bad idea?

September 17, 2012 - link removed

Dear diary,

I’m trying to keep this free of any profanity, but this day was just the worst. I am not at all joking, this is only my second entry and I am trying hard not to include any swear words.

First of all, I’m a first year at the University of Otago, aiming for Medicine to be a doctor. But guess what?! The professional course applications (like medicine, dentistry etc.) closed on the 15th of September! Seriously, I’m two days too late to apply, and there’s nothing I can do about it. They do not accept late applications, and for me to actually be able to apply for Medicine again I have to study for another two years and get a degree. Words cannot describe how I feel at the moment, my life just keeps getting worse and worse. I am so disappointed in myself for forgetting to apply for Medicine. There’s nothing else I’d rather do, I really do want to be a doctor. Could my life get any worse?

Also, to make things worse for today, I started my blog at midnight last night and went to bed at 1am. But for some reason I woke up at 6am (I set my alarm for 8am) and could not get to sleep. So I only got 5 hours of sleep and I could not at all focus on any of my lectures. I kept falling asleep. To make matters worse, the girl in front of me in one of my lectures had hair that smelt like the same as my ex girlfriend’s hair. I loved that smell, and oh gosh, it was the most distracting thing ever. I kept thinking about my ex girlfriend and could not at all focus on the lecturer. I do miss her because she was my first and only girlfriend, but I must push past that. At the moment I do not miss her as much as I used to, but her being my first love, she will always have a special spot in my heart. I really don’t like being reminded of my ex and the fun we had together, it makes me depressed for the whole day.

But what can I do now? Getting into Med was my goal in life and I’ve just completely messed it up, all just because of a silly application that I forgot. I feel like just crying (yes, guys cry as well, and it’s not weak for a guy to cry) but I also want someone to understand me. With my friends… well… they’re not my friends anymore because of some drama that occurred after my ex girlfriend broke up with me.

September 18, 2012 - link removed

Dear Diary,

Before I start with my depressing thoughts, I have to say I have a big crush on my Biochemistry lab partner. She’s so beautiful and has a personality that always brightens my day. I saw her in our lab today and she just made my day so much better. I only see her once every two weeks and I’ll see her once more next month and then that’ll be it. I wish I had the courage to tell her but… being heartbroken by my ex just 2 months ago and all, I think it may just be a phase.

Okay well, my life totally sucks. That’s just the best way to describe it. Maybe one day, years from now I can read this and laugh – but for the time being it just sucks.

The major thing that sucks is my life at University – I cannot apply into Medicine because I was two days too late for my application, and now I have to wait another two years ( even emailed them about a late application but they said no). My life goal – failed. On top of that, I have no idea where I am going to live next year. I’m currently living in a Residential College this year, but this college has too many painful memories of me and my ex girlfriend so I must not ever come back after this year. I have emailed all the other Residential Colleges in Dunedin and they have all rejected me. My last option – flatting, but with who? FML , I feel so alone in the world right now.

Okay, today I decided to be way more proactive and more energetic. Even though I got only 4 hours of sleep last night, I went to my lectures and lab with a lot of focus and attention. I was not going to let anything get to me.

But some things do put you down. Today, I saw my friend (a girl) from high school in my lecture. She… well… she had a crush on me since intermediate school (since we were 11 years old) but I completely ignored all the signs. She has a boyfriend, which now hurts me (I think they started going out about 3 months ago?). But I guess I deserved it. It boosted my ego to be liked by someone, but I never reciprocated anything signs back to her, because I didn’t like her back. But she’s liked me for 7 years, and I took that for granted and she doesn’t like me anymore. She has a boyfriend. She is taken. But now I realise I actually like her back! Love is so cruel isn’t it? When someone likes you, you don’t like them back. But when you start liking them back, they lose interest in you. To the girl that liked me for 7 years, I’m sorry. I was foolish, and I wish I could turn back time. This is for you:

That aside, I just called my parents for a quick chat. I don’t know why but I’ve always sorta hated them, up until now. Ever since my first love broke up with me, I miss them, and I cannot wait to see them again. They’re the only ones that are close to me now, but they’re hundreds of kilometers away. I haven’t been the best son to them – I think I’ve only called them about 8 times since I came down to Dunedin in February. They always say they love to hear my voice and stuff, but I’ve always ignored that and I hated calling back home. I’m sorry, to my parents. I love you, and I miss you so much.

I was going to buy this book, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” by Neil Strauss, but they were all sold out in the book stores and so I have to wait a week for them to restock it. I’m quite interested in changing myself – being more confident, learning the ways of talking to women etc. I’m not going to focus a lot on that sort of stuff (I don’t want to pick up lots of women, that’s just not me), but I heard it was a good book for being more extroverted and a better person. I can’t wait until I can get a copy of it!

My situation with my friend(s) is not changing. I wanted to change it today but didn’t really have any time to do it. I need to sort out the drama between me and my ‘friends’ or else I’ll be a loner for the rest of the university year. Maybe more about this friendship drama next time. I seriously hate it.

I can sorta see the funny side to my situation but I’m also really depressed about it because it’s happening to me. Life sucks and then you die.