A new life

Here is my story:

For the past 3 years, I've been in a wonderful and loving relationship. We met in my hometown, started out as friends for about 5 months. He was a jazz musician, I was studying to become a teacher. By December 04, we were an official couple. By December 05, he proposed to me in a very romantic setting. Everything was great.

After we got engaged we decided to wait on the wedding planning, because we wanted to both finish college first. So one year went by. Then the second year came by. By May 07 we both graduated and I was so excited to finally be able to start planning our wedding! Unfortunately, He wasn't showing me how psyched he was about it. He kept telling me that we had plenty of time, that I didn't have to spend so much time planning. Apparently this freaked him out and I explained to him that I wanted our big day to be great, and that I didn't want him to freak about about anything since he has a very stressful job. For awhile, everything was fine.

Then strange things started to happen. In July he left town for two weeks for work (this is usual and I've grown accustomed to his traveling career). But instead of having loving conversations on the phone, he wouldn't say anything. I would ask him questions about what he was doing, trying to show an interest in his career, in the weather, in ANYTHING that would make him talk... and all I got were one-word answers. Then, when I said 'I love you, I miss you' to him, I was greeted warmly with - silence. I thought at first that he must be really tired (we called late at night), so I brushed it off.

When he got back from traveling, he was different. He would visit me at work and never have anything to say to me. I would go out with him at night after work and he would completely ignore me, like I wasn't even there. One time I got so upset about it, that I got up and just walked out of the bar - and he said nothing that night, and never said anything about it afterwards.

That was in July, but when August rolled around, our relationship went back to normal. I decided that we were just having a bad month. He was relaxed, went to the beach one time on his day off (I had to work), and was really happy. I was happy - WE were happy!

In comes September - he went back to his hometown to begin gigging there for the fall. I was still in my hometown working, until a new job closer to him came along. While we were apart, the phone conversations started to get weak again. I wasn't sure what to contribute it to again, but just made the best of it at the time. Then one day, a female friend of both of ours, came into my store to keep me company one night. She was showing me all of her keepsakes from the summer, and happened to show me a napkin that she saved from having lunch with my fiance at the beach....!!! The beach!? The one day that he told me he went ALONE to spend an entire day at the beach, he went with someone else... one person... A GIRL... and NEVER SAID ANYTHING. Now the fact that she was both of our friends didn't alarm me. But the fact that he never told me about her going with him? THAT alarmed me.

October: I find a job closer to his home, and he was able to visit me on the weekends. It was great. I always offered to drive down to see him, but he always wanted to 'get away' from home for a chance. So I didn't make a big deal of it, because he was finally showing some decision-making on his part for something! So we had a good time. The last time he visited me in October, he very casually mentioned that he'd be going to NYC in November... for, the whole month. Wow! What a great opportunity, and his first time there. I was really showing him my support, but he seemed to brush this whole thing off like no-big-deal. He only had two gigs planned, and the rest of the month? Kinda just him figuring out what he can see and all that. I guess.

November: He goes off, we talk all the time on the phone, everything's great. As Thanksgiving comes closer, he stops talking to me. I mean, he stops returning my calls. And I get worried... his first time in a big city? I just prayed that he was okay and not hurt or sick. Well, the day before Thanksgiving he calls me in the afternoon and we talk for about 10 minutes - I had to go, but asked him to call me at night. He didn't call me. I called him and left a message, but no return call.

The next day, he calls me again, afternoon, and we talk. He tells me that he has no plans on the weekend and was going to do nothing but read a book today. Then only after 15 minutes, he says,' well I'll let you go, and I'd like to start reading my book.' So I said ok, I love you. Nothing.

This was my first wake up call.

After thanksgiving, not one call back to me. No return calls (and I didn't call him more than once per day). I am beyond worried now, and start to go paranoid.. what the hell is he doing that's keeping him from answering his phone!? I decided (finally) that he's ignoring me, and go right into his email. He gave me his email password awhile ago bc he doesn't want to 'hide' anything from me. I never used it, until now. Here's what I found: A very long email from his dad to him, explaining that he supports his decision to break up with me. This was an email sent early in November. Then, I found many emails from two separate girls that he's been talking to, since September. No evidence of cheating, BUT evidence that he has been moving on with his life, stringing me along for who knows how long, and hasn't had the GUTS or decency to tell me.

I was upset. Livid. Shattered. I dried all day the next two days and didn't know what to do. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends. They convinced me to STOP waiting for him to make his dreadful move. I needed to make a decision - my own decision, for MY life. But he was going to be in NYC for another week. So, I drove down to his hometown, returned his ring to his family's house, then drove away. When I got down there, it turned out that his mom was the only one home. I had to break the news to her, poor thing. Only that, she told me that he had come home early and was in town. But not at home. After hearing this news I still decided on going back home, I just couldn't wait for him any longer, not even for another hour.

When he finally did get home and the ring, he called me once (which I wouldn't answer, figured I'd give him an ounce of his medicine, of what he did to me for the past week). Then after a couple hours, he emailed me about how he didn't want to get married or be together anymore.

What a coward.

I sent him a response, telling him what a coward he was, and that I would call him when I was ready. And after over a month of NC, I have made no call.

And at this point, plan on never calling.

Who knows, maybe in another couple months I'll call him up and see how he feels about talking, but I'd really don't want to call him EVER. Whenever I feel 100% over him, THAT's when I will get my closer. Not from him, not from anyone... only from me.

And that's that.

Today is one of my up-down days. I am up: because I am moving on with my life, healing is going smoothly, I have found, and find SO much support from enotalone, and am so far slowly moving towards taking back my life.

I am down: because whenever I watch a romantic story, hear about other's romantic relationships, I feel miserable. I want back what I used to have: a love relationship, an engagement, planning a marriage. It will take me awhile, but sooner or later I will realize that I only miss them because I've had them for so long. Let me think back to BEFORE our relationship...

I never ONCE thought about my wedding. period. I'm no dream-princess-wedding type.

I was focused solely on moving my life forward, from graduating from college and landing a great job.

I had incredible friends that I used to hang out with ALL the time.

Now? I'm trying very hard to hold on to those last two. And doing a good job. But that first one? I can't get out of my head. I don't want it there anymore. I thought about it everyday, I wanted it, and now I don't have it anymore. I know our relationship will never go back to the way it used to be... because once I found out that he had given up on use a long time ago, there was no point in me fighting for someone that gave up a long time ago. So those things I used to want - a marriage, a relationship with him - I desperately am trying to figure out a way to not want it anymore. But with all the magazines, movies, and tv reminders out there, it's hard not to think about it.

It's very hard.

Ugh...

We were NC for 1 month & 9 days, until today. He emailed me.

He wants to send me a letter, but he can't remember the new address that I've had for the past 4 months (the place he's visited 3 times).

I've decided to ignore it for now until I get my head cleared. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but for now, he can wait.

Today is a slow starting day. All I can think about is him, what he's doing now, what his plans are for the next week, what he did yesterday, if he's thinking about me, if he's completely moved on... I am doing my best to be strong, but it's times like these that make it so hard. I get really down and I just lose my drive to do anything. I feel like I'm wasting my life away, not being able to find a second job to fill my time, and I have all this time to sit around and think. It really sucks!!

Anyway, in terms of the email, I replied to him and told him to send it to my hometown address, because they forward all of my mail. I don't plan on reconciling with him, so I don't care how long his stupid letter is going to take to get to me.

Just a quick note before I lose the words...

Sure, I feel better when he tries to contact me. It makes me feel like he still thinks about and misses me.

But it feels better when I realize I haven't initiated any contact to him at all. He has no idea what I'm doing, and that makes me feel even better than wanting him to know what I'm doing. It's kinda strange, really. But, for someone who treated me the way that he did, it's not strange at all. It's empowering.

Ok. Crazy, crazy feelings.

I decided to go to my hometown and work here for the summer. It's a familiar environment, and work I've done before, so I don't feel so vulnerable and can relax in my own shoes for a bit. Anyway, running into friends who haven't heard about my breakup has been strange, and so far, I think I've handled it okay.

But tonight, I ran into the person who first introduced me to my ex. I know he knows, and I think he read all over my face that I was really uncomfortable saying anything, so he never asked.

What made me relieved was that he was being so friendly and caring towards me, like the friends that we are.

What makes me uncomfortable around him is that when I think about telling him about the breakup, all I want to say are negative things. And it sucks because he was friends with my ex longer than with me... but I was friends with him, before I met my ex.

So he's friends with both of us. But I don't want that to change the friendship that I have with him. I don't want him to think I'm treating the situation unfairly, and I realize that if I don't want to FEEL like that, I should step back and look at my breakup again, take everything into account, and decide if how I handled the breakup was really fair, and the way that I wanted to do it.

I know that it was HIS (my ex's) actions that hurt me. But I want to be completely responsible and show ownership of MY actions after the breakup.