Batya33

How does living together progress anything? I didn't see it that way personally and didn't need to test compatibility by sharing living space -especially since shortly after we married we shared 550 feet of living space (my apartment)with a newborn! No way to test how that's gonna be lol. I would give no head space or heart space to what ideas you imagine he is fighting. Back to basics. Right now he doesn't want to marry you. The best he can tell you is that it will take at least 5 years of dating and then he will see if he wants to marry you -he didn't say he'd propose after 5 years. Getting engaged isn't an "idea" -as you said it's a commitment to marry. It's not abstract. Interestingly he doesn't need any time to decide that he's fine with you following him to another city - soon. No time line concerns there despite knowing it's a huge commitment for you. Also please know he is telling you living together did not progress anything because now suddenly he has this 5 year plan.

What's his time line and yours for "eventually?" Did you know about his 5 year plan from the beginning and if not why? And if not whose to say when you think it's "your turn" he'll come up with some other time line like he only wants to move after X years in one place? Seems like you're making huge emotional and financial sacrifices for a boyfriend. Do you want kids? Does he?

LOL do you really think tall, good looking and $ is a strong attraction for a reasonably healthy and secure person looking for a long term partner? So if he had had these attributes you would have "understood" and not found yourself being all judgey about her past choice? You must have a fairly low opinion of her -or maybe women generally -you really think she would have fallen for those attributes to that extent if he also was not a good person? I would not move in with her unless you see yourself as a future stepparent, you have respect and admiration for her as a person no matter what choices she made in the past, You're making it unique and layered. It's pretty simple- she got involved with a person who lacked character and integrity, she married him for the wrong reasons and they share a child. Nothing much to process- either you're ok with her past choices or you're not, either you're ok with her being a mother or you're not. I personally would not be - as a prospect for marriage -because I wanted to marry a never married man who didn't have children and wanted to marry me and start a family with me- that was my strong preference. I stuck to that with rare exception - dated a single dad for a few months -child was born while we were dating -then quickly realized it wasn't for me- but I didn't date people where I was that troubled by their past choices that I looked down on them/was turned off etc. I'm also concerned your feelings on this could affect your feelings about her child. Her child deserves an environment where the adults are in a healthy, stable relationship. And make choices in her best interests always.

LOLLL! Thanks for the chuckle. I think you mostly want to argue. Good luck to you and I hope some of my input helped.

Do you think it is equal to marriage? How so? And your turn meaning what -you have a city you want him to move to with you because you feel like it?

Please don't nag or push someone into marrying you. Or a halfhearted proposal. To me anyway an engagement is not official without a ring and a wedding date -at least a wedding month.

Friendship is voluntary. Nothing to refuse - simply decide that the way this group interacts is not a good fit for you. No need to criticize or judge. Or make this into right or wrong. Ask yourself- for future friendships -would you rather be right or close? I agree with Jaunty's input.

Same and I would not relocate anywhere. What was the purpose in moving in together? Did you each have the same purpose? To me his 5 year time line sounds arbitrary.

I would look at finishing a novel as the beginning of new adventures new perspectives and new mindsets. I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated about the past. My sister is 62 and we both loved Pink Floyd her especially ! Also she loved old genesis and king crimson. My sense is you tend to get intense about comments made by individuals including people you’ve never met etc. I’d work on avoiding that habitual path because it’s just not healthful to live - especially as a creative person - this focused on what others say.

Many groups tend to have a leader type. I wrote above my suggestions as an alternative to seeking out a group as opposed to making friends one on one.

When were you expected to arrive and when did you tell them you would be there? Why is it important to you to have a group of people who all want to do the same thing at the same time? Why not seek out individual friendships? It sounds like you and C don't have a lot in common and you don't like C. But they do. That can happen in groups of course. Group dynamics can change especially if one person's lifestyle is changing. I had friends who were unwilling to accommodate my new schedule when I had a baby, and who were unwilling to make only tentative plans when I worked very long and unpredictable hours from age 28-42. I had acquaintance groups. Monthly dinner/networking group, monthly book club meeting, like that but mostly I made plans one on one, or with other couples, or sometimes with 2 friends. If it's that important for you to have a "group" then accept that that is often harder to find -as you're seeing now in a group dynamic that is not working for you.

I think instinctively most people notice their surroundings -survival instinct and natural human condition -taking in your surroundings, noticing something particularly attractive or unusual - my son interrupts our morning conversations as we walk a mile to a bus stop to notice a beautiful bird or sometimes a cute dog being walked. He apologizes for interrupting. It's not instinctive at all IMO to stare -that is a choice -and it's offensive to men as a gender to suggest they can't help themselves but stare or ogle. This is why you don't see this happening let's say in a workplace during a meeting or a business lunch. People who want to behave in a thoughtful, respectful way and find themselves having started some bad habit - care enough to do the work so that they do not make others uncomfortable. People who are decent in their character and integrity want others around them to feel comfortable in their own skin even if something has developed into a bad habit. Habits aren't instincts either.

What I would do is go back to doing one on one things with A. He's a friend and this arrangement sounds more like activity focused than a friend group - you're hanging out together because of the game and the pub not because you're close friends with them. How often do you chat about personal stuff in between games? Also I don't blame them for how they behaved when you were late. I'm a person who is always timely barring a true and very rare emergency and it sounds like your expectations when you were late because of laundry were unrealistic.

Oh of course that wouldn't be your fault!!

Your interactions with Alex didn't sound like a healthy friendship or fun. Too one sided/caretaker stuff. Do you think some of them were concerned you were trying to date them or hook up with them?