I know it is limiting holding on to hope. Yet it is there and I guess will be for some time..
I am getting help. Much more so than before. I must, and I will. I needed a second slap in the in the face to finally admit I had neglected dealing with my core issues. It was so deep rooted and intrinsic to my thoughts. 2013 was the worst year in my life for several reasons. And she leaving me crowned it all. It all fell apart and I had nowhere to run besides to appreciation of my situation and role in its creation.
She truly gave it her all. I noticed her slipping which made it all worse, and made me push her away even more towards the end. It is just how you describe it on her part. She has told me herself. And I witnessed it first hand.
How I will ever forgive myself for allowing this to happen, and loosing this girl, and myself, I cannot comprehend.
I know she cares greatly for me. Thus I will probably send her a letter eventually when I am stronger. Telling her how I am finally doing what was long overdue, that I am deeply sorry and that I want all the best for her..
Other than that, I am in NC on the 4th week now. It hurts so much to know I have no credibility left given she gave it one more chance 1.5 years ago. And that there is little to nothing I can do about that.
I just hope she one day can also see her own role in not making it work after our first reconciliation. And that she will allow herself to release her inner feelings for me by trusing me again in that it truly is different this time around.
I have to move forward. Yes. It is just so hollow right now as the one I loved gave up on me when I was at my lowest and was finally coming to terms that I needed to help myself..
All the things she said to me (and my brother which she contacted after the BU) underscores that she wants me to help myself. I hate this pity, really. And I want to prove her dead wrong for giving me up..