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Cynder

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Cynder last won the day on August 23 2022

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  1. So, the off season ends in a week. T-Minus 7 days and counting, lol. SFM will be an easy way to roll into the season. It's small, and very chill. I've never seen any drama at an SFM show, ever. And that's rare. Just like most workplaces have some form of drama, almost all festivals do, too. I was listening to a Documentary about Woodstock 99 earlier when I was painting. Man... I actually know some vendors who were there. Some of the seasoned elders in the community have seen some sh*t. I've never seen a riot, but if I ever do at least I can say I survived it, lol. I've seen a few fist fights at shows. I've seen a few shouting matches between vendors (most of which involved my ex, lol.) Not D, my vendor ex, M. I'm glad the only show I do with him is CPPD. And out booths are on opposite ends of the grounds. Two of my exes are banned from OM, now. And I had nothing to do with either of them getting banned. As of now I've voluntarily removed myself from OM. I just don't like what it's become over the years. It used to be twice a year, and it was hard to get into. The organizer would look at your work and actually talk to you to see if you're a good fit or not. Now he just lets anyone in and doesn't care. Pampered Chef, LulaRoe, Pure Romance, Mary Kay, etc usually all have multiple booths at OM. And then there are gutter cleaners, home renovations companies, etc set up there now. And at the last one I did, there were people basically selling stuff as if they were at a yard sale. "Oh, my kids are all in their tweens, I don't need all these baby clothes anymore..." etc. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanted to sell stuff like that. But it seems like a juried art fair isn't the place to do it. A news segment even called it a flea market last summer. OM also used to be at cool locations. There have been OM shows at Castles, etc. Now most of them are in parking lots somewhere in the middle of nowhere. And it went from twice a year to like 15 times a year. Basically from Sprint to Fall there is an OM show about every other weekend, some on multiple weekends in a row. And then there is the Christmas show and the Valentine's day show, too. So there's no novelty. The same people go to all of them, and none of the vendors make any money. The organizer pretty much treats it like a free-for -all when it comes to setting up, too. OM is one of the few shows where people can pick their spot. But then he doesn't honor it. I had my spot picked out at the last one I did. And it was prime real estate. Well, someone just decided to set their stuff down there 10 minutes before I got there, and then it was their spot. And all these dynamics play off each other. He doesn't take care of his vendors, so the vendors don't want to come back. And so then he will take anyone he can get, and that's why there are people basically having yard sales there and pyramid scheme people there. And then attendance drops because he doesn't have any good vendors anymore. And so then the vendors that are there don't make any money. And he doesn't really care that much because he's only in it for the money. I am still the admin of the vendors' group on FB. And so much drama happens in that group... I've considered stepping down from that position, too. Anyway... this really wasn't intended to be a venting session about OM. So, SFM, next week. I am so excited to see how the new magnets do. And I'm also really excited to see some of the vendors there. This is a really cool group of people. This will be my fourth SFM show and everyone there is really unique and interesting. Then I have about a month until OF. And I hope to do at least one, maybe two original paintings in that time. I normally use the off season to paint like crazy and make all kinds of inventory. That didn't happen this year. All I've done is write and make magnets. I also had a lot of commissions this year, and I really needed the money to get through the off season. But I have to make do with what I have. Hopefully no one is disappointed. I've achieved scene royalty status. I can't slack off now. I remember, the last painting of my own that wasn't a commission that I worked on was my Puckwudgie, who is still sitting unfinished in my studio. Maybe my first goal this year should be just to finish him. He's about 75% done. There's a skunk in the background that I feel ind of weird about, though. When BeeGee died, I put her in one of my paintings. And the skunk in the background of the Puckwudgie is Noodles. Noodles dying is what changed everything. And as much as it wasn't his fault, I don't know if I want to immortalize that in a painting. I did an ink drawing of him that took about ten hours. So, he is immortalized in a memorial piece. Ok... time to cut this off because I'm starting to get sad thinking about all this stuff. D and I have been texting all day, too. The thought just crossed my mind to text him and tell him how sad this all still makes me. But nothing would come of it, other than him being sad too.
  2. I've done a lot of Alice In Wonderland paintings. I currently have 5 AIW magnets. So, I could find bags with mushrooms on them or something for that set. Packaging make a huge difference for people. And with something like that they could keep the bag, too. I've also done a handful of psychedelic paintings of horror villains. I have them on magnets, too. So that could be another one. I used to package my prints in sleeves with this really flimsy backing (I ordered it online, a bulk order, too. And I expected it to be a lot better quality. But I used it anyway for a season. But now I package my prints in the same sleeves with a really nice white backing. And when I started using the nicer backing my print sales went up, even though the backing doesn't change the quality of the prints at all. I got tapped for ACF, which is a new show this year. But a lot of the well known people in the scene are doing it. The fee is high, but not ungodly high. It's something I could manage, but it's risky. I'm still debating this one in my head. Since weed just became legal in my state last year, someone decided to organize this huge weed festival. I get people in my booth every year asking what kind of drugs I'm on when I paint, lol. So I'm sure my work would go over really well at the weed festival, lol. I've had people on acid in my booth for an hour just staring at my paintings. This would be an interesting comparison, too. Since any show where people drink a lot ends up being a huge money maker (since drunk people buy stuff on impulse.) I wonder if stoned people buy a lot on impulse. I mean, I've been drunk plenty and I've been stoned plenty. They are two completely different experiences. In my experience, being high doesn't come with less impulse control. If anything when I've been stoned I think more about consequences, and how my actions impact other people. Anyway, need to go get some stuff done.
  3. Yea... transporting paintings safely is a pain in the ass. I have custom made wooden crates for mine. And I have a whole system for packing them. Prints aren't hard to transport safely, but they are heavy as hell and take up a lot of room. The magnets all fit in a Robbermaid tote. And the metal board I display them on fits right inside the box I use for print sleeves and backing board. So, the magnets take up almost no room in the pack. My original plan was to price them the same as last year, especially since I'm paying a lot less for them now. Last year I paid about $2.50 per magnet. This year they are costing me about a dollar each. But a lot of people have told me I'm selling them too cheap. So even though I'm making more profit already, I've considered raising the price by a dollar each. Packaging gift sets never crossed my mind, but that is something I could do. I think George Carlin said it best: "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." I am not sitting here trying to say I'm some genius. But some of the questions I've been asked, etc, make me feel like a genius, lol. Last night our computer system was down at work all night. And so we have paper sign in sheets. Customers normally have a card they scan and that checks them into the gym. But last night they had to write their name, membership type, and time checking in on a sheet of paper, and it was really sad how many grown ass adults couldn't figure that out without being coached. Even though it said right at the top of the page, Name: Membership Type: Time in: I have to explain to people on a regular basis how to use a treadmill. Ok, you get on it, pretty the big green start button, and start walking/running. A lot of people can't figure out the elipticals either. You get on them and start pedaling. So yea.. I guess none of the questions I get asked about my art should surprise me at all, considering the questions I get asked at my day job, lol.
  4. Well actually this is the first time I've ever asked for that sort of feedack in this group. I don't usually ask questions there. I'm the admin, I operate behind the scenes 98% of the time. Most of what I do there outside admin duties is comment on other people's posts and answer other people's questions.
  5. Wow, this goes right along with what I just posted about earlier today. Talking about magnets and also stupid comments I get from people, and vendor groups... I ordered one of each of all of my magnets about 6 weeks ago, just to see how they look from the new supplier, before I commit to a big order. I put them all up side by side on my fridge and took a picture of them. I posted that pic in the OM group on Facebook and asked if the price I'm charging for them is fair, just looking for opinions from other vendors. One of the first comments I got was someone questioning whether or not they were my designs. They basically insinuated that if they aren't my designs I don't have the right to make money off of them. I am starting to wonder if maybe people are just ripping other people off so much that that's the go to assumption now. I just get so tired of people assuming someone else created my work. It gets really old after a while. And it's one thing when customers assume it. But now I have other vendors assuming I'm just selling someone else's work for whatever reason. I'm really getting tired of having to convince people my work is my work. I saw a lot of vendors last year at OM selling stickers that were really marked up. You can buy bulk stickers on Amazon. And a lot of people at OM were getting these huge bulk lots of stickers and selling them at like 2 for a dollar or whatever. So, maybe this person assumed my magnets are stickers and that's what I'm doing? Idk...
  6. So the 2024 festival season starts in 2 weeks. SFM is my first show this year. The fall SFM show was my last show of the season last year. Hopefully the spring show goes a lot better than the fall show did. In the fall it was a matter of bad timing, more than anything. Because it was the same weekend as another way bigger event in the same city. When planning it the dates were separate. But then the bigger even ended up having to be postponed, and it was moved to the same weekend as SFM, so we all got screwed. It's hard to believe the off season is almost over. I feel like I haven't done crap to prepare for this year other than make a ton of magnets. But that's nothing to scoff about because magnets sell like hotcakes. Last year I had 8 designs. This year I have 21 designs. Finding the new supplier really changed things for me. My old supplier had so many restrictions. I could only do 8 designs to an order. And the minimum order was so high. I understand why there's a minimum order. I'm not saying that's wrong on their part. It just made it hard for me to stay stocked. Like, I do a show and sell 23 magnets, I can't just go and order 23 more to replace what I sold. So If I sold out of something, I just had to wait until it was time to place another huge order. With this new supplier, I can order only one if I want. Yea, it's more expensive the fewer you order, but it's not ungodly expensive. So restocking isn't as hard now. And because of what sold last year, I know what is likely to sell on a magnet. All my horror themed ones sold like crazy last year, all across the board. Like, SFM is a Witch's gathering. And my horror magnets sold there. But they also sold at WF which is basically a big drinking festival. I was thinking about some of the comments I got last year from customers. Hands down, the absolute most asinine comment of the season last year was at OF (First event of the season, too. That should have been a forecast for how the year was going to go, lol.) But this lady asked where I get my prints. I told her I send the images to a print shop who prints them. And she was like, "Wow, I didn't know you could just download other people's art from online and then sell it for money." I rolled my eyes at her and said, "It's my work. I'm the artist." I know people probably think I'm awful for talking about the dumb comments my customers make, etc. But the truth is, people are dumb. And 95% of the time, the people who make dumb comments and ask dumb questions aren't buying anything. So they're not actually customers, they are window shoppers. There are whole Facebook groups that exist just so vendors can post about the stuff their customers say. I used to be active in 2 of them. But not so much anymore because like everything else online, they are so full of drama and negativity now that it's not even worth posting anything. Because no one can have an opinion about anything online anymore, lol. Even the OM vendors group is full of drama, and I'm the admin so I see all the drama. I don't approve the nasty posts. But people still get nasty with each other in the comments. That group has a live chat too that gets really heated and bizarre sometimes. I saw a video not too long ago about how toxic book review sites have gotten lately. There are people who don't feel comfortable reviewing books like the Harry Potter series or whatever, because if they have anything negative to say, the superfans will come after them. People have been doxed for leaving critical book reviews. And then on the other side of things, people who leave positive reviews for books that are considered bad by the majority, are getting harassed for liking said books. Like, "Oh, this books has an average 2 star rating and you gave it 5 stars? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you stupid?" etc. So, people can't even share their opinions about a book anymore without worrying about some snowflake getting offended. I know I've said it before but but when I get my first 1 star review I'm celebrating. I hope no one ever makes anyone feel bad for giving me a negative or a positive review anywhere. I know for that to happen I would have to get big enough to have fans that actually care that much, lol. Idk if I will ever get there, but anything's possible.
  7. I've wondered how things would have been different if I would have had actual support from anyone growing up. It's like a bunch of people running a race and one person being told they have to start 50 feet behind everyone else. There's always been this, "Prove us wrong!" attitude. But even then it was presented like, "Well you'll never do it, and we know you won't, but if you want to try and make an ass of yourself, don't come crying to us when you can't do it." They were the same way when I went to Europe. And it's not even like going to Europe is some big accomplishment. Anyone with the money to buy a plane ticket can go to Europe. It's not hard. There was this, "You'll never do it and you're stupid for thinking you will," attitude among my whole family. And then they were mad because I asked a friend to take me to the airport and not them. I told them all, "You guys have been against me from the getgo with this. So I'm doing it with no help from family at all., that includes a ride to the airport." I got a friend to pick me up from the airport too. Actually the friend who picked me up from the airport is one of my current tenants. I should be pretty proud of myself though. Because even with starting the race behind everyone else, I'm still finishing it.
  8. Yes it does. I know it's bad to go in a negative direction with this reply. Because it does feel great. But it also has made me think about how hard my family actively tried to kill this ambition. I mean, it wasn't, "hey, maybe you should think about another career." It was more like, "Your writing is crap and you will never publish anything, so get that idea out of your head now. It's stupid. And you're stupid." My parents really had it set in their minds that I was going to be nothing and go nowhere in life. I was told computers are taking over and in a few years no one will even read books anymore. And I was told I am just building myself up for a big disappointment. The fact that I won a fiction contest on a national level and was published when I was 12 just was completely lost on my parents. And all the stories I sent to magazines that my Mom swore she would mail and then just took to work and threw in the trash... that still pisses me off. When she told me about it years later she was so smug, too. It was a few years later at a family get together. I don't remember how it came up but she was sitting across the table from me and she was like, "Remember when you used to send those stories you wrote to magazines thinking they would actually publish them? You know all those stories went to work with me and went straight in the trash right?" She had this snarky smile on her face and she just thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. She acted like I was submitting to magazines that only published big names and I was just too stupid to realize it. I sent my stuff to magazines that took submissions from anyone and published stories by nobodies. Idk man... they were just so set on making sure this was something I didn't pursue when I was younger. And I'm sad to say it worked for a while. My ex husband also played a little bit of a part in it. Because I started writing a lot during my couch surfing years. And then when I moved in with him, he wrote too and I thought that was really cool that we had that in common. But his writing was awful and it was really uncomfortable for me to read, and he did nothing but make fun of my writing so I didn't want him reading my stuff either. When I say it was uncomfortable for me to read it was because he wrote female characters into his stories that were people he actually knows, and he wrote about himself hooking up with them, etc. And it wasn't just, "Yea and then they went back to his place and did it..." It was like, really detailed erotica type scenes. It's like, ok, I get it, you think Heather that works at the gas station up the street is cute. But I don't want to read pages and pages of details about you screwing her. And they all were described as being "perfect." too. It was always, "Heather had blonde wavy hair, and a perfect face and a perfect body." That was how he described all his female characters. So idk... when I was with him I didn't really have much desire to write. But I also was working on a lot of film stuff at the time. So, my creativity was there. It was was directed somewhere else. In 2014 I started writing what now has morphed into Needles. I say that because it started out as an anthology of stories. The first stories in it were written in 2014. But now none of those stories are going in the actual book. They will go in the next book that is all stories set int he same city. I say I've been working on it since 2021, because in 2021 was when I wrote the story that was based on something Z told me from her teenage years. And originally that was part of the series. But them that stories expanded into a novel of it's own, which is what I'm planning on publishing. But even in 2014, it was just about writing for the hell of it. At the time, I worked a job with hours and hours of downtime per shift. And so I would stand at my work station and write. I have huge stacks of short stories written on printer paper with no lines, etc. There was a huge stack of scrap paper at my work area, and so I wrote on that. I would get these ideas and have nothing to do for hours, so I would just stand there and start writing stuff down. And then the egotistical side of me (or maybe the masochist in me) decided it was time to post some stuff on Reddit. And that was really eye opening. Because Reddit is notoriously harsh to everyone. And I have fans there. There have been a couple threads on Reddit where people have actually debated about my work. So, if people there are impressed, then that's saying something. It seems like if someone is really called to do something, they'll eventually answer the call. I remember sitting out on the porch with my Mom once and she was going off on me about how I live in lala land (one of her favorite things to say to me around that time) and that I need to stop being a space cadet, etc. And I didn't even know what she meant. So I made the mistake of asking her. And she said I just center my life around books and drawings. And I asked why she can't just be supportive? And I will admit it, I raised my voice and yelled it at her because I was pissed off. But her response was to grab me by the hair and smack the crap out of me. My step dad, who she had just started dating at the time pulled up in the driveway while this was going on and she stopped whooping on me because he walked up onto the porch. She told me to get in the house, so I did. And then they left. I didn't find this out until later but he actually tried to end the relationship that night because of what he saw when he got to the house. And also, she had told him before this that he had her permission to beat the crap out of me. Because sometimes when she worked he would come over and hang out with us kids. And my Mom told him "She gives you any trouble and you have my permission to whoop on her. Show her who's boss." And that night he told her that he didn't like the fact that she gave him permission to beat on a 15 year old girl, and he also didn't like that she beat on a 15 year old girl either. I only know this because I heard her telling my aunt about it on the phone at some point. She never realized how thin the walls were in our house and how much I could hear when I was in my room. The way our house was laid out made it really easy for me to hear every conversation she had on the phone. And she was loud, too. I don't want to make it sound like my step dad was my savior or anything, because that is a whole other story. But the fact that a man threatening to break it off with her was what made her finally think about what she was doing says a lot about her character at the time. And I know she will be at my book release party telling everyone how proud she is. I guess that shows how things change and evolve. My family seemed to think I should prove them wrong whenever I wanted to do something. Anyway, time to try to get some sleep so I'm rested up for work tonight.
  9. Been working on my taxes most of the day today. But I also colored my hair. (Actually the color is on it now, I'll wash it out when I'm done writing this. It turns out I didn't have as bad a year as I thought last year. Taxes can be a huge eye opener. There have been years where I thought I did really well, and it turns out I only made a small profit. Then there have been years like last year that I thought were awful, and then I crunch all the numbers and realize it was a good year. Last year was my second highest profit year ever. W doesn't think October is realistic for a release date. This genuinely makes me sad. I really want to see this project come to fruition. I've been at this since 2021. But also, I've only been actively looking to publish it since last year. So up until last year I was just writing it at my own pace with no hopes of publishing it. It was my side project. So, that could be one way of looking at it. I do wonder, though, if he's only saying that so he can justify how long it's taking him to get through it. I've sent him 33 chapters, and he just sent me chapter 6. Considering Needles has a total of 38 chapters, and it took him four months to send me chapter 6, at that rate it will literally take him 10 years to edit the whole thing. He keeps telling me he's going to get going on it soon. But I've tossed around the idea of firing him. I've been trying to send him a chapter a week. (And since we agreed on that, there's only been one week I've missed it. There have been quite a few weeks I've sent more than one chapter. And this is my fault for assuming, I know that, but I thought when we agreed on a chapter a week, that he would also be editing a chapter a week. I understand people get busy. But four months to edit one chapter is ridiculous. It was less than 2500 words. He says the process should never be rushed. And I know he's right. But I'm not asking him to rush. I'm just asking for some consistency and to pick up the pace. I've read passages of both Needles and Grotto at open mic night, and there are people there wanting to buy copies already. I have my cover art for Needles done, even if I might make some changes to it. I've had people tell me it doesn't show what happens in the book, so it needs changed. Idk... it's hard to show what happens in a cover with some stories. Not saying my story is so genius and high brow that it can't be shown in one picture. But it is harder to come up with one image that shows what happens. Like, look at the covers of all romance novels. It's easy to show what happens in those novels because they all have a similar plot. Girl meets guy, they bang, the end. Yes I know it's not that simple. And I'm not saying romance isn't a relevant genre. But romance novels are about romance and sex. So they all have sexy romantic covers. Most crime novels and thrillers have really nondescript covers. Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter just has a locket on the cover. And as someone who listened to the book, the locket barely plays a role in the plot. I hadn't even seen the cover when I decided to listen to it, and honestly, if I was going on only the cover, I probably wouldn't have chosen it. I listened to it because it showed up on a few "Most disturbing books" lists. And I was devouring all the disturbing content I could for a while, since I want to write disturbing content. Horror and fantasy novels have more descriptive covers most of the time. Needles is a very dark coming of age story. The overarching theme of the whole thing is people trying to find their place in an hostile world, basically. Insects are referenced all throughout the book in symbolic ways. The MC's last name is really significant. His last name is Crow. So the original cover had a crow and a cicada with the outline of a city in the background. And people thought it was too busy. So I took the cicada out and made the city a lot less detailed, so the crow is the main focus. I've already been advised that I'm probably going to have to change it though, because people see a crow and they think of Game of Thrones, and expect high fantasy. It sucks that it is that way, but I can't change it. If a crow can't be used on a book cover for a while, I guess I have to deal with that, lol. So yea... point to all that is I don't really know how to show dark coming of age on a book cover without using the crow. Anyway, I need to go wash the color out of my hair. I am back to stunning emerald green around my face, and it evolves to blue toward the back of my head, and then purple.
  10. Idk what exactly got me on this train of thought this morning... but when I was an adolescent I was threatened a lot with Bootcamp. Like, Maury did episodes where they would send bad kids to bootcamp. And one night when I was 12ish, my parents were watching an episode of Dateline or some similar show, and they were doing like an Expose' on places like that. And they're talking about how a lot of these kids who are sent to those places are abused, beat up and sexually assaulted, etc. And as they're talking about that, my Mom is sitting there telling me to pay attention because that's where I'm going to go if I don't straighten my ass up. SO basically I'm being told I better behave myself or I'm going somewhere where I'll be beat up and sexually abused on the regular. Ok, now as an adult it's really hard not to see some twisted, very dark ironic humor in that, considering I was beat up and sexually abused on a regular basis while not being at bootcamp. My sense of humor is really dark at times. No, there's nothing funny about any of that. But it was funny in a really twisted way that my Mom was threatening to send me away to a place where the same stuff would happen that happened at home. I also have been thinking lately about all the kids who were forced to take Ritalin who are now adults. Ritalin permanently changes the brain when kids take it. So I've wondered who I would be now if I didn't have to take this evil freaking drug as a kid. But instead of getting pissed about it, I'm choosing tot think that maybe it kicked my creativity into overdrive. I mean, it was a few months after being put on Ritalin that I won a fiction contest and became a published author. Idk... bottom line is I will never know how things would be different if I didn't have to take it. So there's no point in thinking about it too much. I am who I am now and that's obviously who I'm supposed to be. But looking back, my parents were so irresponsible with the way they handled this. My Mom would go and complain to the doctor and say it wasn't fixing me, pretty much, and then they would just raise the dosage. I was taking the maximum dose for adults at 12. I remember asking my Mom if we could talk to the doctor about lowering the dose and she made fun of me and basically told me I was being a p*ssy because the girl up the street who is a few years younger than me takes a high dose too, so I should be able to handle a high dose. And with any psych meds, you shouldn't start and stop and start and stop. And I took this big dose of Ritalin 5 days a week when I had school and then didn't take it at all on the weekends. (Unless we were going to a family gathering.) At the time I was really glad they didn't make me take it on the weekends. But that couldn't have been good for me. And I never understood why my Mom would make me take it before family gatherings. I asked her once and she said, "So you'll be quiet." It seemed like that's what she wanted more than anything. Because when I first started taking it and we went in for a follow up appointment, she told the doc that it was working great because she barely knows I'm home. So is the goal just so you can pretend I don't exist or what? And it made me feel like absolute crap. I was always cold when I was on it. And then I would want to keep a hoodie on in school and get in trouble for always wearing my hoodie. My stomach was always upset when I was on it, too. It made me feel like drinking too much coffee feels now, which is understandable considering it's speed. And my parents had the same attitude when I my brother was taking it. There was this, "Well we just want him to shut up and be quiet," way of thinking. And it's not like my brother and I were constant chatterboxes who never shut up. We were actually the two quiet kids in the house. And I actually wonder if my Dad was snorting it, because there were a few times when the bottle was empty in such a short time. There was no explanation for where the pills were disappearing to. And I'm really surprised my Mom didn't accuse me of taking them to get high, since she accused me of taking ibuprofen and Alleve to get high. That is funny in a twisted way, too. Like ok, there's speed in the house, but you think I'm taking over the counter pain meds to get high, lol. And then if the pills were all gone a week before it was time for a refill, I just didn't take it for a week. Looking back all I can do is shake my head. It's so bad to start and stop with those kinds of drugs. Psych meds aren't supposed to be taken when it's convenient only. I am on a mild antidepressant now. And if I forget to take it one day, I feel fine that day. But then the next day I feel kind of off. Not anything earth shattering, but I feel different. Idk, maybe starting and stopping speed isn't the same. But I'm sure taking it sometimes, and not taking it other times couldn't have been good for my brain. Anyway... time for bed. Open Mic night tonight. 🙂
  11. Well, 5 chapters to go. And since I worked backwards so much with Needles, four of those five chapters have been revised a lot already. They've been posted on Reddit, etc. Well, links to them have been posted on Reddit. I don't post my work on Reddit because once anything has been posted online it's already considered published. The way around that is posting links to a Google doc. That way people can read it, but it's not technically shared online. A link to one chapter of Needles is posted here somewhere. I remember being kind of annoyed because comments are disabled on it and not by me. Comments aren't disabled on anything else in the writing/poetry section of this forum. So I have no clue why someone decided to disable mine. Nothing anyone says here about my writing is going to offend me. I post regularly on a Reddit community that is notorious for it's harsh critiques. And I'm kind of a sadist when it comes to criticism. I love it when people rip my writing to shreds. I can't even explain why, but it makes me really happy. Maybe because that means they actually took the time to read it and tell me what they really think. I love honest feedback, even if that feedback is "This sucks." I would prefer if someone says that they tell me why it sucks. But I can handle just being told it sucks, lol. I can't wait for my first one star review, lol. And tonight when I was at work I figured out a way to make the ending pack a little more punch. It doesn't change the plot, but it's something that adds a little more depth to the story that makes the ending more satisfying. It is definitely going to go over 100k words. I know my editor is going to say I need to split it into two books. He's going to tell me 100k is too long for a debut novel. But there are multiple schools of thought on that. A lot of people say a debut novel should be between 80 and 100k. But he thinks it should be shorter than 75k. He knows what he's talking about. But his word isn't infallible. We will have to have an in depth conversation about where he's coming from. Because it's easy to throw a number out there. But he obviously has a reason for giving me that number. He knows the industry a lot better than I do. So, five chapters left. At the rate I've been going I could be done in 3ish weeks. Maybe sooner. I already did the cover art. So then it will be just a matter of waiting on him to edit it. In the mean time I'll file my copyright, get my ISBN, register with the LOC, set up my Goodreads and Amazon author accounts, etc, and figure out what I'm going to do for printing. Printing will probably be the most expensive part of this whole process. Printing books isn't cheap. I know KDP prints them for free. But I've seen what KDP output looks like. And idk if that was the fault of KDP or the fault of DS just not putting in much effort to make her book look good. I know another self published author who's printed books like amazing. I need to get a hold of her and see if she'd be willing to share who does her printing. I've been told I should also hire a sensitivity reader. These are people who read your book and basically make sure there's no cultural appropriation, racism, etc ion it that will offend people. I know Needles will likely piss off a few snowflakes. There are multiple black characters. And since I'm white, writing black characters is automatically offensive to some people. Because white authors have no right to write about and other ethnicity, according to some people. One of the black characters is a drug dealer. I'm sure there's going to be some, "Well of course she made the black guy a drug dealer!" comments. Ok... but there's also like 5 white drug dealers in the story. And when my MC runs away from his abusive home, the black drug dealer ends up taking him in and becoming like a father figure to him. So, the black character has a really important role in the story. On Reddit I also got some comments about my physical description of that character. He is described as being tall with an athletic build, and having a strong jawline, high cheekbones, and long well kept dreadlocks. But I had a few people on Reddit saying it was wrong of me to spend time talking about how attractive this guy is because it sounds like I'm fetishizing black people. Nobody was really pissed. But a few people told me I might want to cut back on talking about how attractive he is for that reason. Well, I didn't say, "He was really attractive." I just described how he looks in my mind. Idk man... I feel like if I would have made him ugly someone would be questioning why I made the black dude ugly. And there was no racial motivation here. I didn't sit down and think, "Well, I better make him good looking because he's black." I just had an image in my head. I based his look on a bar tender I used to know. And I can't even really explain why I chose that guy to base him on. I just started writing that character and I pictured that bar tender in my head. I'm just learning to accept that as a white author I'm going to piss people off. That's just part of the social climate right now. And since a lot of people think I'm a man, that's a double whammy. My pen name is gender neutral, too. And most of my main characters are male. On Reddit I get a lot of, "I can tell a man wrote this because..." I know I could choose a more feminine sounding pen name. But I like my pen name, and being a woman wouldn't just magically absolve me of everything. I do really wish society would stop demonizing men. People act like white cis males are evil. Ok... white cis males didn't choose to be that. It's not like they had a choice. So lets stop acting like someone is evil for being white and cis and male. Feminists are getting pissed off at male authors for writing female characters now because "That's not your story to tell!" I really hope people's attitudes toward fiction don't continue to go in this direction. Telling authors that can only write about things they've experienced themselves is dangerous to creativity. But yea... that's what a sensitivity reader does. Basically their whole job is to read your book and point out all the things that might piss off the snowflakes. This is election year... I'm already cringing thinking about some of the political BS I will probably have to see and hear later this year. Last election year I had someone who has known me for over a decade ripping into me for voting for Trump. She said, "Voting for him means death for people like me because I'm disabled and bisexual." Ok, so the first kicker in that is that I am also disabled and bisexual. And the biggest kicker in that is that I didn't vote for him. This person just assumed I did for some reason. But even though I didn't vote for him, I wasn't afraid of dying if he won. I don't think the military is going to go marching all across the US killing all the disabled bisexuals, lol. I'm not a supporter of our current president either, of anyone is wondering. I got so sick and tired of this mindset that if you like one guy you're ignorant sheeple and if you like the other guy you're a liberal snowflake. There is so much nuance to politics. And people's choice of who to vote for is shaped by years of experiences, etc. It isn't so black and white. And to me it also doesn't make sense how friendships, marriages, etc ended over someone's choice on election day. I have friends on both sides of the political spectrum. I couldn't imagine telling someone I"m friends with, "Well, you voted for the guy I don't like, so we can't be friends anymore." To me that seems so infantile. The president is a figure head and it's really congress and the senate we should be paying attention to. People blame the president whenever gas prices go up. Do they not realize the president has no control over that? I would love to see a woman president and an LGBTQ president in my lifetime. Anyway... time to stop rambling and sleep. I really hope nothing in this post offended anyone.
  12. Today was such a productive day. I wish I had more days like this. I got chapter 31 edited finally and sent it to W. This was a tough chapter for me, simply because I am missing some facts. These last two chapters have centered mainly around legal proceedings. And I am still waiting on my Lawyer cousin to get back to me about some things. I just wrote it the best I could based on my own research, and if anything is glaringly inaccurate, it can be corrected later. I worked on a commission for a while tonight, too. This is a wedding present, so I have a pretty strict deadline to finish it. I'm, glad I got going on it because it's huge and very detailed. And now I am editing chapter 32. This is the last chapter in part two of the book. Basically the way this book is laid out as of now... Part 1 follows one group of people. Part two follows a different group of people. Part three is where both groups of people's paths start to cross a lot. But part three is also the shortest part. Part one had 13 chapters. Part 2 had 16 chapters. Part 3 only has 5 chapters. So... I'm almost in the home stretch. I really want to finish. I am ready to move on to editing a new project. I will be the first to admit I'm getting sick of Needles. I mean, sentimentally it is my baby. I've been working on it since 2021. But since I set a deadline for myself, I've been pressuring myself to finish. And so I'm starting to get a little burnt out on it. But I won't let myself stop until it's finished. Once I have everything edited and sent to W, then it's in his hands for a while. I can step back and breathe a little. I don't know which book I will work on publishing next. It will likely either be Grotto or Savage. I might start editing them both and just see which one really grabs me. The first 3 chapters of Grotto are already edited. Grotto is supernatural horror. It was inspired by my cross country trip in 2022. There was one night in the middle of nowhere, in Montana, when I got this really cool idea. Everyone else was in bed and I was sitting out on the porch of the cabin we stayed in drinking a glass of wine. The stars were so beautiful. I mean, we were really out in the sticks. No power lines. No light pollution. It was this beautiful summer night where every star was visible. And so many people disappear in the wilderness out there. There was a weird Missing 411 type of incident at Yellowstone when we were there. So I was sitting out there all by myself when everyone was in bed asleep. It was like 3AM. And I just thought, "What if I disappeared?" And from that, Grotto was born. I wrote it in short story form on my phone over the next few days. But I knew a short story wasn't going to suffice. It's about 75k as of now. I wrote the whole thing in November for NaNo. So, either Grotto or Savage will be my next big project. For me, editing is so much more of an in depth process than drafting. My drafts suck. I basically just get all the scene down on paper when I draft. When I edit is when the novel really takes shape. That's why when I finished drafting Needles it wasn't that big a deal. I knew that draft being finished meant nothing. It would be months until it was really finished. There's also the book that will come eventually that is kind of a companion to Needles. Because Needles started out as an anthology. It was a collection of short stories that all take place in the same city. But after W and I started working together, he told me I should narrow my focus on the most compelling characters, and stretch their stories out. Which is what I did. But now I have all these other stories featuring side characters from the main story. So, it's like I have this whole other book waiting to be given it's time in the light. So, at some point that will come out. Two of the absolute best stories in the collection aren't even in Needles, which I'm still sad about. I wish I could have worked them into it somewhere. But they are too removed from the main plot for it to make sense. So, if nothing else, those two stories are my main motivation for releasing the companion book. I pushed my release goal back to October. But, I also re-evaluated my goal, too. July was the goal I originally set for finishing it. And over time it morphed into being a goal for publishing it. I even have old texts between W and I where I said I want to finish this book by July of 2024. So, that is still my goal. I want to finish with my edit of it by July. And my publishing goal is October. I don't see this as a failure. It's more a matter of knowing what is and isn't possible. Goals need to be realistic to be effective. I could decide I'm painting 3 paintings before OF (my first festival of this year.) That is possible, and so I feel motivated to do it. But if I decided I was going to paint 12 paintings before OF, it would be pointless to even try because it's not possible. I mean, maybe it would be if I didn't have to work a full time job and didn't also have multiple commissions to do right now. I made a list of all the paintings I want to do this season, and I figured out which festivals I want to do them for. Certain work sells better at certain events. So I came up with an art timeline, basically. I love that my drive to paint is coming back. I have so many ideas. I hope I can still get in the headspace to write, though. Because in the past it seems like it's been one or the other that is the dominant creative force. When I am really happy, I paint. When life sucks and my mental health is in the gutter, I write. So, hopefully I can find some way to continue writing and editing while I'm feeling good.
  13. This whole festival situation with D and his sister has blown completely up. It's caused so much drama... And I am the admin of the Facebook group. So I've seen a lot of it behind the scenes. I feel so sorry for D right now. I really would not want to be in his position. But, that's me when I'm wearing my friend/ex girlfriend hat. As a business owner who has crawled up to scene royalty status, I am able to see that he brought a lot of this on himself. Yes, what is happening to him sucks. But he also could have prevented at least some of it. As a vendor, festival organizers aren't your friends. They are people you should maintain a good rapport with. They are definitely not someone you want to piss off. But the organizer isn't your bud. They are there to make money. Depending on the festival, sometimes most of the money they make is from the vendors. This festival in question is a free festival. So, the only way the guy in charge gets paid is by booking a lot of vendors. And the vendor fee is high. That's why I don't do this one anymore. The fee is just too high for the return. And there are some organizers who genuinely do care about the vendors. But a lot of them don't. They give you a space, and it's on you to make sure you make money. And D is really upset now that the organizer isn't on his side. But, he's looking out for himself and his festival. The scene is like one big dysfunctional and incestuous family. There are a lot of people who look out for each other. But there are mean girls, tattle tales, liars, etc. Vendors get into it with other vendors all the time. There's a lot of politics involved with organizers showing favoritism. This is partly his sister being a mean girl and spreading lies. But D also broke a rule at this festival multiple times, after being warned by the organizer. So, that's what I mean when I say he could have prevented some of it. He can't prevent what his sister is telling everyone. But, he chose to operate under the assumptions that the rules don't apply to him because the organizer is his bud. And in reality, him and the organizer barely know each other. The organizer is just an approachable, easy going guy who treats everyone like he's their bud. But aside from that... in other news, I have commissions to work on, tattoos to design for people, a novel to edit, magnets to order, and all kinds of other good things going on. I am so in love with life right now.
  14. I lightened my hair last night, so I could color it. Normally I don't lighten all of my hair. I only do the roots. But color on color for years eventually starts to look ugly. The last time I lightened my hair all over was in 2020. I don't do it often because it's damaging. But it needed it this time around. The multicolor look was making my hair look really muddy. So, right now I am strawberry blonde. And it's very flattering. Like, I'm considering keeping it for a little while. The last time I lightened my hair it looked like hell. Last night at work I was treated differently by a lot of customers. I walked across the street to get a coffee at around 2AM and some guy held the door for me and smiled and said, "Hey, what's up?" in a flirty kind of way. And a lot of my regulars who come in at night complimented me. And then the people who come in during the morning rush who usually never say a word to me, a few of them actually stopped and talked to me. One lady who comes in every night around 3AM told me "Wow, you really light up the room with your hair like that." This was interesting, because people always say that about murder victims, lol. On true crime documentaries and stuff, it's always, "She just lit up the room!" It was also interesting, that when I thanked her and said maybe I'll keep this hair color for a little while, she was like, "Well it's not you, though. And I think everyone should be true to who they are. You're colorful." Something as simple as a different hair color can change the way people treat me. It's sad in a way. My hair has been Green, blue, purple, magenta, etc for the last 7ish years. It's nice getting attention and getting treated better. But it sucks that I have to look "normal" for that to happen. D and I were texting last night and I even sent him a pic when it was done and dry, etc. And he even said this is a really good color for me. (Just a side note... his hair is this color naturally.) I know strawberry blonde is a color that people pay a lot of money for. And it's really rare as a natural color. My hair just turns that color when I lighten it because there's so much red in it. I am not quite bright enough to be called a redhead. My hair is naturally auburn. And so all I have to do is hit it with a little beech and it's strawberry blonde. My hair was such a point of resentment growing up. It was weird... I wasn't allowed to actually start growing it out until I was a teenager. Whenever it got long enough to actually do anything with, my Mom would take me to my aunt's house and have my aunt cut it all off. I was told that curly hair doesn't get long, so it's best just to chop it all off. It was almost like, since I was given the role of the ugly kid in the family, I couldn't have any pretty features at all. My hair is pretty, so it had to go. I remember when I was dating my vendor ex. He had long blond wavy hair that was really pretty. He was just very attractive all around. And when I was with him a lot of people told us we should have kids because our kids would be so beautiful. (Which... holy hell, that is NOT a reason to have a kid, lol.) But I remember telling my Mom about that once. How everyone keeps telling us how our kids would be so beautiful. And she was like, "Their hair would be beautiful. I don't know about everything else." Yep, thanks Mom, lol. At least she's not as mean as she used to be. I am so excited about how BH is coming along. It took some time for me to come up with a way to fill two plot holes. But now that they are filled, it's going to be so good. This cast of characters is great, too. It's almost like if the cast of Needles all went to therapy and had a good strong support system, this is what they would be like, lol. The cast of BH is also a lot more straight edge. I mean, two of them are in recovery, so they are sober all the time. One main character isn't in recovery, so she doesn't adhere to this strictly sober lifestyle. But there aren't any scenes where she drinks or uses any drugs. The cast of Needles are all users, heavy drinkers, etc. The main character in BH was a tattoo artist before addiction ruined everything for him. One of the characters in Needles actually becomes a tattoo artist when she straightens her life out. So, comparing the two side by side is interesting because there is some straight up opposition. I know there's more, but I am fading fast and too tired to write about it at the moment. I am just so excited to see this novel take shape. And since most of my books take place in the same city, there are a couple scenes where characters from BH interact with characters from Needles. I mean, it only makes sense. BH has former addicts in the cast, Needles has quite a few drug dealers in the cast. So, these are people who would know each other. And before people come at me with, "No one in recovery associates with dealers!" Well, ideally no they don't. But it's a smallish town. And my main guy in BH runs into the drug dealer who kept him high for years. (Who is the main character from Needles.) Anyway... bed time.
  15. Do you mean the agent will charge her a lot or she will make a lot? Because an agent shouldn't be charging her anything up front.
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