Cynder

I know a lot of the things people say are actually statements about themselves rather than others. Like my Mom's comments about music and books being why people don't like me... Ok, those are reasons she would dislike someone. My ex husband was really shallow. He doesn't like people based on looks, etc. But like my online friend (former friend now) I've wondered a lot what drove his behavior. Like, if I'm talking to someone, I'm not filing away all the things they do that are wrong in my eyes. Especially if those things don't directly affect me. If I was talking to someone and they tell me they went on vacation by themself, ok, so? I'm not sitting here thinking, "Wow, that's so messed up!" That would be like someone saying they really like matcha tea and me thinking, "Wow, you have issues!" because I don't like matcha tea. But these friends who were in my life for a long time, siding with her... I also know that's about them more than it is about me. But I still get stuck on figuring out why, especially if to some of them I was their "best friend." I've questioned if it's the right decision to not let any of them back into my life. But the way I see it, they chose her. That was their choice and they don't deserve a do-over. People rarely change. I also try to remind myself that she is a miserable person. So it's not like she's living some amazing life. She is currently working somewhere that is notorious for being an evil company who treats their employees like crap. And she has already pissed off a lot of the other people who work there by starting drama at work. (It's weird how I know this, too. There are two ladies who come into the gym at night who also work there. And they always talk to me for a little bit before they go work out. And they were telling me about how their coworker knows me, etc. I guess she comes to work drunk on the regular and starts crap at work all the time. So, all she has is drinking and starting drama for fun. Eventually she's going to back herself into a corner and piss off the wrong people.

I know this is an old thread now, and I really thought I got over a lot of those resurfacing feelings. But it's definitely not helping that multiple friends I lost over this situation have been contacting me over the last month or so. I know it's just a coincidence. Most of these people don't even know I was writing a novel. So they don't know I'm about to finish. The one friend I lost who does know... oddly enough I named a character after him. That was before we stopped talking though. Him and I stayed friends for a few months after she left, and then he turned on me. I named a character after him because I couldn't come up with a name for the guy and him and I were texting, and he jokingly said, "Name him after me." So I did, with his permission, of course. Same first name. Different last name. As much as people want closure, closure rarely closes anything. Multiple people told me to go kill myself when all this was happening. And now those people want to come around and tell me how sorry they are, they shouldn't have listened to her, they feel like idiots, they don't talk to her anymore because they realized she's nothing but trouble. Ok... you would think that would make me feel better on some level. But oddly enough it just hurts even more. I can't even explain why. I guess it's like, Ok, but why couldn't you have just listened in the first place? Three of these people have told me I was their best friend. One of them sent me the most heartfelt apology ever, saying I was the only person he could talk to about anything and I never judged him. Ok... then why side with her? I asked him that and his response was, "Because I was an idiot." Lately I've been obsessing over what it is that makes me so easy to toss aside. I've had a lot of people in my life tell me why I'm not a likeable person. It's not like I'm not open to criticism. But it's been hard to change the qualities that make me not a likeable person because to me they don't make sense and there's nothing wrong with them. My Mom used to say to me all the time when I was a teenager, "And you wonder why nobody wants you around! ... And you wonder why people don't like you!" But she would always say this stuff about things like the music I listen to. She said it about how I dressed and about the fact that I read a lot, too. Like, I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan. And I started listening to them when I was a sophomore in high school. And they were way before my time. I mean, Dark Side of the Moon came out when my Mom wasn't even in high school yet. And I remember her telling me "Kids your age don't listen to bands like that. And you wonder why people don't like you!" To me, liking a band isn't a reason to not like someone. Like, I hate Van Halen. But if someone told me they like Van Halen I wouldn't dislike them because of it. I also read a lot of Stephen King in high school and that was another one, "You read those stupid horror books, and then you wonder why people don't like you!" My ex husband told me once that a lot of people don;t like me because of my eyes, because I always look stoned. I am legally blind in both eyes, and my eyes are a rare color, too. So, I have these intense eyes that never look like they are focusing on anything. And I told him that's a stupid reason to not like someone. And he said, "Well would you like someone if they always looked like they were on drugs?" I remember exactly what I said back to him. I said, "If they weren't a jerk I would." To me, that's no different than not liking someone because they're left handed, etc. It's something bodily that I have no control over. My parents were always talking about my "bad attitude," when I was a preteen. I asked my dad once what I do that's so bad. And he told me I always have to share my opinion about things and I always want to tell my parents about stupid stuff that happens at school and stuff. Ok... so sharing my opinions and talking about stuff that happened at school means I have a bad attitude? I used to be friends with this guy online. We talked a lot over a period of about a year. He lived in my state, but we never met. There was never talk of meeting either. He just was someone I used to talk to on Facebook a lot. And he started thinking he was a shrink over time and wanting to fix me. He would tell me all the things wrong with me. One was that I've slept with two of my friends and don't see that as an issue. It's not like I led anyone on or used anyone for sex. I have a friend who was my off and on FWB for years. Basically whenever we were both single, we banged. It never hurt our friendship. We are still friends now and haven't slept together since 2011. And I have another friend (female) who I hooked up with a few times. She's still my friend too. But this guy thought that was the most dysfunctional thing ever. He also said the fact that I go to the movies by myself, go out to dinner by myself, and even go on vacations by myself is another really messed up thing about me. Once again... these are things that, in my eyes at least, don't make a person unlikable.) So, liking music that kids my age didn't like and dressing Goth, and reading a lot of books are the things wrong with me according to my Mom. And sharing my opinions and talking about school was the problem according to my dad. And having sex with my friends and being confident enough to go places alone were my issues according to my now former friend. And according to my ex husband it's because my eyes are all messed up and I look high all the time. It probably seems like I'm rambling in this post. But this is something that's really been bothering me lately. I also struggle with feeling invisible all the time. And so I start wondering what it is about me that made so many people side with her. These people only knew her through me. I'd been friends with someone of them for 20 years. I just can't imagine turning my back on a 20 year friendship because their ex who I barely know told me some bad things about them. And I can't imagine strongly disliking someone based on any of the things I listed above. When I dislike someone it's because they're a jerk. I've never been diagnosed, but I do seriously wonder if I'm on the Autism spectrum. I fit the profile to the letter, especially as a id. I know I don't view the world the same as a lot of people. And then add to that the fact that I've had a NDE, which changes a person. I can't relate to most people and it's really hard to connect with most people. And talking about how all my former friends are so sorry and people say I was their best friend, etc. Well, Z, has told me multiple times that I treated her better than anyone has ever treated her. The last time we talked she told me she is still in love with me and she thinks she probably always will be. (I'm fully aware this is likely not true. I'm sure it was a game she was playing.) But ok... assuming there was any truth to that, if I was so great why would she just ghost me and then turn several of my friends against me? I asked her that question and she told me she didn't know, because I didn't deserve it, etc. And she made some statement like, "I have real problems. I'm so sorry it was you I did that to because you deserved it the least." She's made it sound like it was something random and out of her control. Well, no it wasn't. She could have not done it. Knowing how bad everyone feels is making it worse for me, and I can't really put why into words. And not knowing how people really feel and if I can trust anything anyone says is another thing that is really hard. And one other thing... being this close to finishing is scary. Because what happens when I finish? This novel literally kept me alive for a time. It is my way of turning the most miserable experience of my life into something amazing. Ok... so I finish it... and then? The experience doesn't just go away because I wrote a book. Well, soon it will be done, so I guess I'll find out what happens next. Any thoughts on this are welcome, even though this thread is old news now.

I have to give myself credit here... I hate writing sex scenes. But as a minimalist writer, I am really proud of this one. How many people can pull off a whole sex scene in 60 words? lol I also don't know if this really qualifies as a "scene." But it's a point in the story where two characters have sex. And it's obvious that's what's happening in 60 words. "The conversation evolved as the night unfurled. Weed and words passed between them in her living room. He never told her about the smudge of charcoal on her face. But he kissed it while inside her later that night. This was a different kind of conversation, one without words. The act of love peeled away another layer, raw and tender." I know it needs polished up. This is taken straight from an ugly first draft and hasn't been revised at all. I just really like how simple it is. My writing style has gotten a lot more elegant over the last year.

It's interesting how since I cut all the toxic assh*les out of my life, I've started noticing patterns among toxic people that I didn't notice before. Like, every toxic person I know has multiple Facebook accounts. Yea, I know I have a dummy account so that doesn't make me innocent either. I have that account so I can still use FB and get the benefits of using it without having to deal with he drama that comes with it. But people I know who are really toxic have 4, 5, 6, sometimes more Facebook accounts. And usually those accounts are all active to some degree. Z had like 5, all under different names. Some under her dead name. And there's her legal dead name and then there's the other dead name a lot of people know her by. It's still a man's name but if's not her legal name. Like, imagine a guy named Bob just deciding one day he wants to be called Ike. That's pretty much what she did. And people know her by two different last names too. But I've also noticed that toxic people cycle through the same friends. It's like, "Well, I pissed this person off... but it's been a while, so I'm sure they forgot about it." Idk what it is over the last maybe 8 weeks. But so many people I kicked to the curb have come back around wanting to be friends again. Last night I got a message from a girl named SKye who I haven't talked to since 2020. She was not part of the grand Exodus of 2021 where a lot of my friends stopped talking to me because of Z. I distanced myself from Skye before that. She never wronged me personally, but I watched her be a complete jerk to other people and I knew it was only a matter of time before my turn would come. (And from what I was told by two people, she said a lot of bad things about em and made fun of me a lot behind my back.) I actually met Z through her, though. Z and Skye were dating when I met Z. I knew Skye through the festival scene. She's not a vendor. She's just someone who goes to a lot of events. She did talk a lot of crap about me when Z and I split up, though. But by that point I had already not talked to her for over a year so I didn't really care. She also hit on me a lot when I was with M, my vendor ex. And it was always, "Well it's not cheating if you're sleeping with a woman." "M doesn't have to know." Etc. And I've mentioned before how Z used to call me out over ancient Facebook posts when we were together. Z told me once that Skye used to make fun of me all the time when they were dating, and that Skye would screenshot my Facebook posts and send them to her to make fun of me. Jeez... just typing this out feels so juvenile. This is why I don't talk to these people anymore. Let's all sit around acting like a bunch of high school mean girls, yea we're so cool, lol. But long story short... guess who messaged me and sent me a friend request last night around 2AM. Yep, Skye. I've always given people a chance to at least apologize to me when this happens. She asked me how I was doing and told me she missed talking to me and seeing my art. (It's always my art they miss. And then people wonder why I think that's all I have to offer.) And she wants to hang out soon. She wants me to meet her new BF. Um... I haven't talked to you in four years. Why would you want me to meet your new BF? But it could be because she's out of friends right now and so she's trying to cycle back through some of her old ones she pissed off or pushed away. I was polite in my reply but in reality I don't give two craps about her and her new BF. And when I say I was polite... I guess the better word to use would be civil. Because I basically said, "I'm doing well. I'm confused about why you're messaging me because you talked a lot of crap about me behind my back. Good luck with the new guy." Basically, "Yea I'm good. Hope all goes well. And I didn't forget about what happened, lol." Well, need to go to sleep now so I can get up and go edit video tonight.

Well, I'm revising chapter 40, 40 of 42. And then there's an epilogue. The closer I get to the end, the more the fear of failure creeps in. I'm still going to finish it and put it out there. Fear of failure has never held me back before. But my perfectionism is causing me some trouble. I feel like I have to obsessively revis everything until it meets my standards, etc. I am considering doing a full on rewrite of chapter 6 even after my editor edited it. The reason is simple, I'm not happy with it. But, no work of art is ever finished, only abandoned. And since I had this whole conversation in a writing group about AI, now my OCD is gnawing at me and I keep being afraid people will think my work is AI generated. I was a digital artist when digital art was new and everyone hated on digital artists. Now digital is just another media that people have no issue with. But, now digital artists are always being accused of using AI. It's easy to lob that accusation at a digital artist because there is no physical media to prove it. Yes, digital images can be printed. But it's not like a painting on canvas where someone can just hold it up and be like, "Yea, AI didn't paint this." When I showed my tentative book cover in a writing group, the first comment was someone scolding me for using AI instead of paying a real artist. And it wasn't just "Hey is that AI generated?" I mean, this person was brutal. They just raged at me for paragraphs about how I'm stealing from real artists, etc. So, now digital artists have gotten through the time when everyone hated us because we "don't have any real skills and ar jsut pixel pushers!" And now we have to deal with, "Omg!!!! That's AI!" So, my OCD just can't let this rest. Lately I just keep thinking about that. Like, are people going to think my writing isn't actually my writing? I talked to W about this (my editor) and he told me he can tell my work is not AI generated. But as an editor he is more in tune with people's writing style, etc. So, him saying that did make me feel better in the moment, but there's no shutting up the OCD demon. I don't know why I don't just learn to keep my mouth shut online. The fact that I use ChatGPT for quick critiques and sometimes to organize my thoughts and brainstorm means I'm a failure and not a real writer, according to some. It was actually W who suggested I use it for those things. And I've been honest about it from the getgo. Lot's of authors are using it the same way I do and not being honest. I've wasted a lot of time over the last week or two putting chapters of Needles through AI checkers. And even though everything comes back as human text, I still can't shake the fear that someone will accuse me of generating my work and I won't be able to prove that I didn't. It's such a rough time to be an author. And the writing community is toxic AF. I am part of one really awesome critique group on Reddit, and there are so many brilliant people there who don't beat each other down and who actually support each other. Groups like that are rare. The conversation I'm talking about happened in another group I'm not active on. I do read things there though and this was one of the rare occasions I decided to chime in. And when I tried to reason with this person by saying my editor suggested this, well then of course I'm a liar, or I'm just too stupid to realize my editor was just messing with me. Well, the whole conversation with W happened via email, so I can go back and re-read exactly what he said. This person actually wanted me to screenshot the emails, but I refused because I shouldn't have to show my emails with someone just to prove I'm telling the truth. It's not like I'm on trial for murder. This is a random person on the internet. And this random person has probably never published anything because they're too busy sitting around talking trash online. (And yes, I'm well aware that I haven't either, except for when I had that one story published when I was 12.) Oddly enough, I just discovered that one of the personal trainers at work uses GPT to write workout plans for people. I only know this because I had to do a training module on my bosses computer last night. Everyone who works there uses his computer for various things, before everyone starts questioning why I was using my bosses computer. And his computer was never shut down yesterday and the trainer who used it last left everything open. Well, I moved the mouse and there's a big browser window open where a trainer was using GPT to write up a workout plan for someone. I don't judge her for this. I'm sure she does that because she would rather be out on the floor actually training people instead of sitting at a desk writing out what she wants her clients to do. And I'm sure my boss knows because she uses his computer. A lot of people are pissed off because they fear the unknown and anger helps them compartmentalize fear. Maybe it's because I'm so into futurism, but I think the whole evolution of AI is really fascinating. I know there have been two entries about this back to back. But lately it's been on my mind a lot. I've always seen it as a tool. As long as it's not writing for me, I've always considered what I do as fine. But a lot of other people in the creative community disagree. But also, there was a time when people who used spellcheck and grammar editing software were hated on because that's cheating. There was a time when if a photographer used Photoshop he was a hack because that's cheating, etc. In other news... D and his husband are separating. I really hope he can get through this and keep his sanity. And I hope he can find a place to live with all his animals. Having to get rid of any of them would devastate him.

So, apparently in some writing communities online, there is a special circle of Hell reserved just for people like me who think ChatGPT is useful. Before anyone asks, (even though this should be a given) No, it doesn't write for me. But I have used it for research, as a critique helper, a brainstorming tool, and for simple entertainment. (In other words, sometimes when I'm bored or whatever, I just start messing around and giving it weird prompts, like, "What if there was an octopus who's also a serial killer?" "What if there was a guy who was in love with a cockroach?" "What would happen if an elephant took PCP?" Etc. But I guess to some people that's a big nono and all of this means I'm not a "real writer." Because you know, "real writers" don't need AI to help them. I talked to my editor about this and he told me the actual real writers and artists of the world aren't threatened by AI. And anyone with common sense uses what tools are available to them when they are available. Adopt, adapt, or atrophy. The technology is here, whether we want it not. And it's not going away. I'm fully aware there are people using GPT to write whole novels and then throwing them up on Amazon to make money. I don't agree with that. But there's also no regulations against it. I personally wouldn't do it. But I'm not going to sit around stewing in anger because someone else did it. It's not my problem. I have more important things to devote my energy to. (Like writing my own book.) I can see people being pissed because this is taking attention away from human writers. But, if someone is good enough, they will always have an audience. If someone likes a book written by AI, so what? People are allowed to like what they like. I don't think books written by AI can compete with books written by humans. At least, not right now. But give it time, and AI will be able to out-write us. It sucks. But it's going to get to that point. That doesn't mean there still won't be a place for the human author. If AI is out there writing a lot of bestsellers, there's still nothing stopping human beings from writing bestsellers, too. Same thing with AI art. Some of the AI art that's out there is amazing. But that doesn't mean human artists can't still be artists. I know MidJourney can never replicate my work. So, if someone really wants my work, they can only get it from me. And that's why I'm not threatened. I do love to play with MidJourney, though. It's fun. When my nephew used to come over, we would always make art with MJ. I would let him type in whatever he wanted. Some people act like if you're a creative person and you're not just completely disgusted and appalled by AI, then you're part of the problem. I just don't see it that way. AI use is on a spectrum like everything else. There's a huge difference between using it as a tool and using it as a crutch.

Omg... chapter 39. Chapter 39. CHAPTER 39!!!! Holy hell... I've known the events of chapter 39 would happen since about chapter 4. But knowing that didn't make it easy to write. This was easily the most emotionally charged bit of fiction I've ever written. It's 11 pages, about 4k words. I worked on it all weekend. I just finished it and I was shaking when it was done, and crying my eyes out. For one, trying to get inside the head of a character who has done awful things, took a bigger toll on me than I expected it would. I know I"m not my character. But writing from the perspective of a monster was eerie and unsettling. I guess I'm going to have to flex those muscles a little more if I want to write a whole novel with a Machiavellian main character. To write a whole passage where this character is sitting in prison justifying to himself why he had sex with a 15 year old... etc. It was just appalling to write and I felt like I needed a scalding shower after. If anyone is wondering, the sex with the 15 year old happens off page. Like, I didn't write scenes of that happening. It's just eluded to. But then when he's in prison later on (for dealing, not for statutory rape) he spends a lot of time sitting in his cell thinking about it. I don't get detailed in his thoughts either. But he is talking about how he couldn't help who he fell in love with, etc. And at one point (this was the scene that really got me... I didn't expect it would trigger such a reaction out of me) he writes a letter to his victim, explaining how he stole their childhood, etc. He tells his victim he doesn't want them to think he's a monster, etc. I'm not going to sit here and say none of this is inspired by my life, to some degree. My abuser wrote me a letter from prison apologizing. I forgave him, and I appreciate that he actually had some semblance of remorse. He was molested as a kid too. That doesn't excuse it. But abused people turn into abusers pretty often. So, while there is no excuse, the fact that someone did it to him too makes him seem a touch more sympathetic in my eyes. I know that's awful. I know people are probably reading this thinking I'm nuts. And I am a little nuts, I won my nuttiness, lol. But the fact that someone did it to him, too. Idk... I am at least able to see that he was also a victim. He just didn't process his victimhood. He also grew up in a time when seeking any kind of professional help was taboo, especially for me. It still is, not as bad but there's still a stigma associated with mental health issues, and especially with men going to therapy, etc. He was a phenomenal artist. And he was really funny. He could have been so much more than a drunk and a ephebophilie. People are probably wanting to know why I didn't call him a pedophile. Well, because that's not actually correct. Pedophilia involves prepubescent children, not teenagers. And I actually had it a little easier in regards to what he actually did to me. He had sex with both of my sisters when they were teenagers. He never had sex with me. I guess being the ugly daughter worked to my advantage there. Ok... well here's the most chill song ever after a really heavy bit of word vomit. I didn't seek this song out. It just came on. The universe is attempting to make me feel better. 🙂

This is really bugging me... I swear I typed partician and not partisan. Two completely different words. Smh...

I know I keep saying Needles is so close to being revised. I posted 12 days ago that it was almost done. Well, 12 days later, it's still almost done. Not that I"m not trying. I just keep hitting snags. It's harder to end a book than people realize, even when the end is drafted already. I've done so many updates during the revision process that I had to go back and change some things. And now making those updates and tying up all the loose ends isn't a fast process. I made a risky decision and changed a character's name in the last part of the book. But, it makes sense that her name would change, considering she was associated with a murder and the whole town pretty much ostracized her. No one wanted to give her a job, etc. And it was her Dad who was murdered, she had his last name. So, she legally changed her name. So, since the book is told in three parts, she is one of the main characters in part 2. And then in part 3 when we see her she has a different name. But I didn't decide to change her name until well into writing part three. Her name was a unisex name, also. And her having a unisex name actually makes it's way into a subplot. It's not hugely important. But based on her name alone, another character knew of her and thought she was a man. So, when you make a major change like that, there's a lot that has to be fixed, for continuity. It isn't just as simple as find and replace. There is also some taboo stuff that happens in this book, and I"m trying to make sure I handle it in as respectful a way as possible, while still telling the story. My main character is in a sexual relationship with someone older than him when he is a teenager. That all happens off page. I don't have detailed sex scenes where him and his older lover go at it or anything because ugh... It's kind of just hinted at for most of the book. And then later on down the line when the older man is in prison (for drugs, not for sleeping with his underage protege') he has a lover in prison who is an adult but still quite a bit younger than him and who look an awful lot like my main character. My editor told me I need to take that out because it's going to be too slimy for people. I mean, I guess I can still keep it in that he has a lover in prison, and just not make him look like my main character. But, these the the things I'm deciding on toward the end of the book. And even just errors that are small int he grand scheme of things... Like the scenes of prison visits. In one scene I have them talking on the phone with a glass partisan, and then I wrote another scene where they are at a table actually talking face to face. The face to face scene takes place like 5 chapters alter. I just forgot that before I wrote it with a glass partisan and a phone. So, just small things like that that I'm catching now that I"m about to finish. Yea, it might be a small detail, but those are things readers catch on to. And whether or not you get to sit face to face and talk while vising someone in prison or if you talk on the phone through glass could go either way. It depends on the prison, mostly. Obviously a maximum security prison will be a lot stricter. Weed makes the revision process a lot louder. I say louder because everything feels turned up. And yes, I do get high when I do heavy revisions. I know there are people who only read this thread looking for any juicy nuggets they can hold against me in the future. That might sound arrogant and self centered. But there are people here on this forum who have dredged up things I wrote in this thread 12 years ago as evidence of what a nasty person I am. Well, there you go. Have some cheese, lol. Now you can pat yourself on the back and have your little moment because "Omg!!!!! What a trainwreck!!! She totally admitted she does drugs!!!!" Yup, I do "drugs." Weed is legal in my state, both for medicinal and recreational use. I don't smoke it because I don't like inhaling anything into my lungs. I use tinctures, mostly. I also have concentrated syrup that can be added to water (or any liquid, but I add it to water mostly, or tea.) I know some people are thinking "If you need drugs to write a decent book then...." Mind altering substances alter the mind. They don't suddenly make someone talented. It's not like someone who is a horrible writer/artist/musician, etc can smoke some weed and suddenly they're a genius. Hemingway was a drunk. Bach smoked weed. Both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were pro Acid. Psychedelics played a big part in the making of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, and that is considered one of the best rock albums of all time. The whole novel was written without the use of any substances. But while revising, being stoned unlocks certain channels. That's the best way I can describe it. I can think up things I probably wouldn't have thought of sober. Anyway, now it's time to go continue revising chapter 39. No, I'm not high right now, but I will be here shortly. I'm about to go make myself some tea with syrup mixed in.

I've been on a real Guns n' Roses kick lately. They were kinda before my time. I mean, they were at their height of popularity when I was in elementary school. But I did hear them a lot growing up. I went on a road trip last weekend with some friends, and the guy who drove was playing Appetite For Destruction in the car. This song isn't on Appetite. It's on Use Your Illusion. But I'm in my office, got YouTube music playing. My office speakers are awesome. My roommate is at work so I don't need to worry about waking anyone up. The song You Could Be Mine was just playing. And you know when a song you've heard a hundred times is playing in the background, and you're not really paying attention... and then one line suddenly stands out... Well that just happened. The line was "Why must you find another reason to cry?" I'm sitting here at my desk doing some last minute clerical stuff for OF this weekend. And that line in the song just ripped me right out of work mode. And then the line a little later in the song, "Five years been forever and you haven't grown up yet." Even though since my last therapy session I haven;t thought about Z as much, those two lines reminded me so much of being with her. Thank Gods I wasn't with her 5 years. I don't know who the hell could put up with her for 5 years. And I feel sorry for anyone who could. Especially the line about finding a reason to cry. I swear, she wasn't happy unless she was causing some drama. Even if it's just being mad at me for leaving a box of hair color in the bathroom because the girl on the box is pretty and she will never be pretty, and of course me leaving it there had nothing to do with plans to color my hair later that night in the bathroom. I left it there just to piss her off because I'm evil and I want to rub it in her face that she's not pretty. I think she would find things to be upset about so she didn't have to think about her own issues. And it was always something I did wrong. She needed someone to be mad at to keep from turning on herself. D was at my house last weekend. An Injured raccoon has been hanging out around my back porch. I've been feeding him and giving him water. D came down to see if he could help the little guy. Well, this isn't intended to be a long entry. Back to revising chapter 37. Any day now... Needles only has about 40 chapters. Any day now.... And the song that took my out of work mode... lol. Now I have to get back into work mode.

I've said before that every friend I've lost over the Z situation has come back and apologized and wanted to be friends again. Well, I was wrong, apparently I forgot about one. This guy not only side with her but he tried to start a relationship with her a few days after she left. We talked all the time. I had known him for about 5 years then. He's an artist like me, amazing photographer, etc. He got really quiet and stopped talking to me right after she left. At the time I didn't really think much of it because I figured he just got busy, etc. He messaged me about a month later and told me he was being quiet because his grandma died. Ok, that's really sad, I'm sorry for your loss, etc. Well, turns out his grandma didn't die. He was quiet because he was spending all his time trying to get in a relationship with Z. So I just unfriended him and stopped talking to him. Well, guess who wants to be friends again? Guess who is "so sorry" two years later? Guess who really misses seeing my artwork and talking about creative things with me? (It's always my artwork they miss, smh.) Why are people always so sorry after the fact? How come no one ever stops to think about what they're doing before they do it? I do, but I guess I'm in the minority. He will get the same response everyone who sided with her has gotten. Basically apology accepted, access denied. If they question me further I tell them "Hey, you made your choice. I don't care if she's not in your life anymore. You chose her. You don't get a do over."

My first revision on Needles will be done soon. I'm getting pretty close tot eh end. Even though I finished drafting it in December, it feels like finishing this revision is a bigger deal than finishing the first draft. A first draft is usually so sloppy that it doesn't feel like the real book. One good revision though, and then it starts to feel real. Because then what you have is something you can actually show people. I would never send a first draft to anyone. I've been coming up with so many ideas for the (sorta) sequel to Needles. But it's not really a sequel in the sense that it happens after the events of the first book. The way this whole thing started... It originally was an anthology of short stories that all take place in the same town. But the more I got into it, the more I was interested in telling the story of these three characters before everyone else. So, what is now Needles is the story of three characters who all have really messed up pasts. But, there are all these other short stories that take place in the same city that are good, too. They just aren't in this book because they don't follow the three main characters. So, I have a whole other book worth of short stories I want to release. So, it's more like a companion book than a sequel, I suppose. I'm starting to get ideas to expand on those stories, too. This messed up town where messed up things happen might be a series one day. People on Reddit are going nuts over the last two chapters I shared. My editor is also working faster, too. He's up to chapter 9 now. OF is this weekend. I feel like such a failure as a vendor. I have hardly any new paintings this year. If anyone asks why, I'll tell them it's because I've been writing a novel. It's the truth. I feel like once Needles is done, I will probably do nothing but paint for a while. The Eclipse gave me a really cool idea for another novel, also. I feel like there's so many things I want to write, and not enough time for it all. I've seen new age quotes about how if the calling is strong enough no one can ignore it. Maybe this is really something I was called to do. I don't write high brow fiction, though. I doubt anything I've written will change the world. I don't write feelgood stories. All my characters are morally gray. Bad things happen in my books. I've had people ask me if anyone in my Universe is a decent human being. I've had people tell me I should seek professional help. I've had people ask if I'm okay after reading my work, etc. It feels good being this close. But I want to be finished. I'm sure I'm obsessing a little. But writing these stories was something that kept me going when Z left. I paint when I'm happy and I generally write when I"m miserable. Right after Z left was one of the worst times of my life. And I hardly painted anything but I wrote all the time. I feel like going through all of that and then no one ever seeing the stories I wrote is such a waste. Something good had to come out of all of that suffering. And this is the good thing.

So many people throughout my life have acted like it's such a big problem that I expect people to follow through with their words. If someone says they will be at my house at 3PM, that's what I expect. And then if they show up at 5:30 and I'm a little irritated, well, that's my problem. I shouldn't have expected them to be there when they said they would. I, like you, don't commit to something I can't follow through with. And if something happens that changes things, I will at least tell them. Like if I say I"m going to be somewhere and then something happens that makes me late, I will let them know. Since I rely on public transportation I am not always in control of when I leave, etc. I try to give myself plenty of time to allow for late taxis, etc. But that isn't fool proof. I wouldn't tell someone I'll read their book and then not read it. And I definitely wouldn't ask someone for a copy of their book if I wasn't planning to read it. But, I bet for at least a few people, it's been a matter or feeling pressured. Not like I am pressuring anyone myself. But since they know me, they might feel pressured to like it. Some people might be thinking, "Well, she's my friend, and if I don't like her book, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't want to lie." I am one hundred percent honest when I say I don't care if people don't like my book. In the first 5 pages a teenage boy pins his father against a wall and holds a knife to his throat. There's an f bomb six lines into the story. There is a graphic rape scene, multiple murders, lots and lots of substance abuse, prostitution, etc. My main character is a drug dealer, (who also occasionally sells himself along with the drugs.) I know this brand of fiction isn't for everyone. I don't expect everyone to like it. And I'm also kind of a masochist when it comes to criticism of my writing. I don't know why, but for some reason when I get a scathing critique on Reddit, it makes my day. I've said it here before, too, I can't wait for my first one star review. I was reading reviews for The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things on Goodreads not too long ago, and someone wrote a one star review that said something like, "This is way too disturbing for me. I couldn't sleep at night thinking about it." All I could think was I hope someone writes something like that about one of my books one day, lol. Idk though, I take people at face value, but I've learned most people don't take anyone at face value. People usually don't mean what they say, or say what they mean. Everyone lies. It really is better when I expect nothing. So, maybe next time someone asks me for a digital copy I'll just send it expecting they won't read it. I also wonder if this is how it will be when it's out. Are people who know me just going to buy it and put it up on a shelf somewhere, and then once in a while pull it out when they have company and be like, "I totally know this author!" I guess it doesn't matter by that point. If it's published and people are buying it I still benefit from that. But I do hope people buy it and actually read it. I also understand that no one cares about my work as much as I do. That's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of creatives people. No one cares about my paintings as much as I do, either.

There is a pretty scathing post about one of the restaurants she worked at in out town on Facebook right now. It's in our town's public Facebook group. Someone who used to work there posted a bunch of pics of how nasty the kitchen is and how some of the employees there do really nasty things to the food. Seeing this actually didn't bother me. It's not a place I go, haven't been there in years. And it also made me wonder if she was one of the employees this person is talking about. If so, I hope she saw that post, too. I wonder how she feels being called out like that, even if it's anonymous. I know this is not a good situation. It's not a good thing that this place is open and serving food when it's that dirty, etc. I know all the people who do eat there probably saw that post and were really disgusted. I don't mean to come off completely self centered. I know it's not a good thing. I'm just saying since I don't go there personally, and because she probably saw it, maybe it's a little bit of low key karma for her, that seeing it didn't bother me. I have therapy in two days. I've also been really trying to push myself to revise these last four chapters. There are a lot of loose ends I'm tying up. There also have been a few things I've added to the ending, which mean I have to go back to parts in the middle and rewrite them. I made kind of a big decision involving one of the three main characters. It might be risky to change something like this so close to the end. But I think it makes more sense this way. It might not be the healthiest way of thinking, but I've also considered this as an example of living well being the best revenge. When we were together she told me more than once that she wishes she would have actually did something with her life, and it was really obvious she had a lot of resentment for me because I am actually doing something with my life. If she ever finds out about this book, it will just drive that nail in a little harder. There will be one most instance of me getting off my ass and actually doing something while she continues to be a miserable drunk who goes from job to job and partner to partner because stability is impossible for her. I wonder if she watched the eclipse yesterday. If she did she was probably drinking and barely paying attention. She probably had her phone out taking selfies, she was probably all over social media talking about how awesome it is, etc, while barely taking the time to be still and focus on the awesomeness.

I have multiple friends/family members, and even acquaintances who practically beg to be beta readers. Everyone really wants to read Needles, since it's almost finished. But not one person who"s been sent a copy (accept D) has read it, or even started reading it. If I send someone a copy and a couple weeks go by and they don't open it, I remove their access. It's not good to have tons of digital copies floating around. And I've removed access to pretty much everyone I've sent it to. No one has even noticed. Just so no one reading this gets the wrong idea, I'm not running around begging everyone I know to please please please read my book. These are people who asked me if they could read it. And it's not that I am just trying to get free labor out of people. Beta readers are paid most of the time. And I plan on paying some professional beta readers. But there are people who beta read for free, too, and people I know have asked for that chance. My ex (the vendor I dated) did free beta reads regularly for a handful of authors he knows. My one friend who asked me for a copy multiple times keeps telling me she's going to start on it next week. But "next week," has been coming for like 2 months. I took her access away. And last time she brought it up I actually told her I took her access away. I was polite about it. I said I take access away from people who don't read it because I don't want a bunch of copies floating around. And she was like, "Well, I don't know about punctuation and grammar and stuff. I don't think I'm the right person to go through and check for mistakes and all that." Ok... that isn't what I expect. Any copy I send at this point is pretty much scrubbed clean of all that. And also, that's what I'm paying an editor for. Idk, I'm sure there will be people reading this thinking I sound like a brat complaining. It's just frustrating that everyone wants a copy until they get a copy.