Cynder

Omg... chapter 39. Chapter 39. CHAPTER 39!!!! Holy hell... I've known the events of chapter 39 would happen since about chapter 4. But knowing that didn't make it easy to write. This was easily the most emotionally charged bit of fiction I've ever written. It's 11 pages, about 4k words. I worked on it all weekend. I just finished it and I was shaking when it was done, and crying my eyes out. For one, trying to get inside the head of a character who has done awful things, took a bigger toll on me than I expected it would. I know I"m not my character. But writing from the perspective of a monster was eerie and unsettling. I guess I'm going to have to flex those muscles a little more if I want to write a whole novel with a Machiavellian main character. To write a whole passage where this character is sitting in prison justifying to himself why he had sex with a 15 year old... etc. It was just appalling to write and I felt like I needed a scalding shower after. If anyone is wondering, the sex with the 15 year old happens off page. Like, I didn't write scenes of that happening. It's just eluded to. But then when he's in prison later on (for dealing, not for statutory rape) he spends a lot of time sitting in his cell thinking about it. I don't get detailed in his thoughts either. But he is talking about how he couldn't help who he fell in love with, etc. And at one point (this was the scene that really got me... I didn't expect it would trigger such a reaction out of me) he writes a letter to his victim, explaining how he stole their childhood, etc. He tells his victim he doesn't want them to think he's a monster, etc. I'm not going to sit here and say none of this is inspired by my life, to some degree. My abuser wrote me a letter from prison apologizing. I forgave him, and I appreciate that he actually had some semblance of remorse. He was molested as a kid too. That doesn't excuse it. But abused people turn into abusers pretty often. So, while there is no excuse, the fact that someone did it to him too makes him seem a touch more sympathetic in my eyes. I know that's awful. I know people are probably reading this thinking I'm nuts. And I am a little nuts, I won my nuttiness, lol. But the fact that someone did it to him, too. Idk... I am at least able to see that he was also a victim. He just didn't process his victimhood. He also grew up in a time when seeking any kind of professional help was taboo, especially for me. It still is, not as bad but there's still a stigma associated with mental health issues, and especially with men going to therapy, etc. He was a phenomenal artist. And he was really funny. He could have been so much more than a drunk and a ephebophilie. People are probably wanting to know why I didn't call him a pedophile. Well, because that's not actually correct. Pedophilia involves prepubescent children, not teenagers. And I actually had it a little easier in regards to what he actually did to me. He had sex with both of my sisters when they were teenagers. He never had sex with me. I guess being the ugly daughter worked to my advantage there. Ok... well here's the most chill song ever after a really heavy bit of word vomit. I didn't seek this song out. It just came on. The universe is attempting to make me feel better. 🙂

This is really bugging me... I swear I typed partician and not partisan. Two completely different words. Smh...

I know I keep saying Needles is so close to being revised. I posted 12 days ago that it was almost done. Well, 12 days later, it's still almost done. Not that I"m not trying. I just keep hitting snags. It's harder to end a book than people realize, even when the end is drafted already. I've done so many updates during the revision process that I had to go back and change some things. And now making those updates and tying up all the loose ends isn't a fast process. I made a risky decision and changed a character's name in the last part of the book. But, it makes sense that her name would change, considering she was associated with a murder and the whole town pretty much ostracized her. No one wanted to give her a job, etc. And it was her Dad who was murdered, she had his last name. So, she legally changed her name. So, since the book is told in three parts, she is one of the main characters in part 2. And then in part 3 when we see her she has a different name. But I didn't decide to change her name until well into writing part three. Her name was a unisex name, also. And her having a unisex name actually makes it's way into a subplot. It's not hugely important. But based on her name alone, another character knew of her and thought she was a man. So, when you make a major change like that, there's a lot that has to be fixed, for continuity. It isn't just as simple as find and replace. There is also some taboo stuff that happens in this book, and I"m trying to make sure I handle it in as respectful a way as possible, while still telling the story. My main character is in a sexual relationship with someone older than him when he is a teenager. That all happens off page. I don't have detailed sex scenes where him and his older lover go at it or anything because ugh... It's kind of just hinted at for most of the book. And then later on down the line when the older man is in prison (for drugs, not for sleeping with his underage protege') he has a lover in prison who is an adult but still quite a bit younger than him and who look an awful lot like my main character. My editor told me I need to take that out because it's going to be too slimy for people. I mean, I guess I can still keep it in that he has a lover in prison, and just not make him look like my main character. But, these the the things I'm deciding on toward the end of the book. And even just errors that are small int he grand scheme of things... Like the scenes of prison visits. In one scene I have them talking on the phone with a glass partisan, and then I wrote another scene where they are at a table actually talking face to face. The face to face scene takes place like 5 chapters alter. I just forgot that before I wrote it with a glass partisan and a phone. So, just small things like that that I'm catching now that I"m about to finish. Yea, it might be a small detail, but those are things readers catch on to. And whether or not you get to sit face to face and talk while vising someone in prison or if you talk on the phone through glass could go either way. It depends on the prison, mostly. Obviously a maximum security prison will be a lot stricter. Weed makes the revision process a lot louder. I say louder because everything feels turned up. And yes, I do get high when I do heavy revisions. I know there are people who only read this thread looking for any juicy nuggets they can hold against me in the future. That might sound arrogant and self centered. But there are people here on this forum who have dredged up things I wrote in this thread 12 years ago as evidence of what a nasty person I am. Well, there you go. Have some cheese, lol. Now you can pat yourself on the back and have your little moment because "Omg!!!!! What a trainwreck!!! She totally admitted she does drugs!!!!" Yup, I do "drugs." Weed is legal in my state, both for medicinal and recreational use. I don't smoke it because I don't like inhaling anything into my lungs. I use tinctures, mostly. I also have concentrated syrup that can be added to water (or any liquid, but I add it to water mostly, or tea.) I know some people are thinking "If you need drugs to write a decent book then...." Mind altering substances alter the mind. They don't suddenly make someone talented. It's not like someone who is a horrible writer/artist/musician, etc can smoke some weed and suddenly they're a genius. Hemingway was a drunk. Bach smoked weed. Both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were pro Acid. Psychedelics played a big part in the making of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, and that is considered one of the best rock albums of all time. The whole novel was written without the use of any substances. But while revising, being stoned unlocks certain channels. That's the best way I can describe it. I can think up things I probably wouldn't have thought of sober. Anyway, now it's time to go continue revising chapter 39. No, I'm not high right now, but I will be here shortly. I'm about to go make myself some tea with syrup mixed in.

I've been on a real Guns n' Roses kick lately. They were kinda before my time. I mean, they were at their height of popularity when I was in elementary school. But I did hear them a lot growing up. I went on a road trip last weekend with some friends, and the guy who drove was playing Appetite For Destruction in the car. This song isn't on Appetite. It's on Use Your Illusion. But I'm in my office, got YouTube music playing. My office speakers are awesome. My roommate is at work so I don't need to worry about waking anyone up. The song You Could Be Mine was just playing. And you know when a song you've heard a hundred times is playing in the background, and you're not really paying attention... and then one line suddenly stands out... Well that just happened. The line was "Why must you find another reason to cry?" I'm sitting here at my desk doing some last minute clerical stuff for OF this weekend. And that line in the song just ripped me right out of work mode. And then the line a little later in the song, "Five years been forever and you haven't grown up yet." Even though since my last therapy session I haven;t thought about Z as much, those two lines reminded me so much of being with her. Thank Gods I wasn't with her 5 years. I don't know who the hell could put up with her for 5 years. And I feel sorry for anyone who could. Especially the line about finding a reason to cry. I swear, she wasn't happy unless she was causing some drama. Even if it's just being mad at me for leaving a box of hair color in the bathroom because the girl on the box is pretty and she will never be pretty, and of course me leaving it there had nothing to do with plans to color my hair later that night in the bathroom. I left it there just to piss her off because I'm evil and I want to rub it in her face that she's not pretty. I think she would find things to be upset about so she didn't have to think about her own issues. And it was always something I did wrong. She needed someone to be mad at to keep from turning on herself. D was at my house last weekend. An Injured raccoon has been hanging out around my back porch. I've been feeding him and giving him water. D came down to see if he could help the little guy. Well, this isn't intended to be a long entry. Back to revising chapter 37. Any day now... Needles only has about 40 chapters. Any day now.... And the song that took my out of work mode... lol. Now I have to get back into work mode.

I've said before that every friend I've lost over the Z situation has come back and apologized and wanted to be friends again. Well, I was wrong, apparently I forgot about one. This guy not only side with her but he tried to start a relationship with her a few days after she left. We talked all the time. I had known him for about 5 years then. He's an artist like me, amazing photographer, etc. He got really quiet and stopped talking to me right after she left. At the time I didn't really think much of it because I figured he just got busy, etc. He messaged me about a month later and told me he was being quiet because his grandma died. Ok, that's really sad, I'm sorry for your loss, etc. Well, turns out his grandma didn't die. He was quiet because he was spending all his time trying to get in a relationship with Z. So I just unfriended him and stopped talking to him. Well, guess who wants to be friends again? Guess who is "so sorry" two years later? Guess who really misses seeing my artwork and talking about creative things with me? (It's always my artwork they miss, smh.) Why are people always so sorry after the fact? How come no one ever stops to think about what they're doing before they do it? I do, but I guess I'm in the minority. He will get the same response everyone who sided with her has gotten. Basically apology accepted, access denied. If they question me further I tell them "Hey, you made your choice. I don't care if she's not in your life anymore. You chose her. You don't get a do over."

My first revision on Needles will be done soon. I'm getting pretty close tot eh end. Even though I finished drafting it in December, it feels like finishing this revision is a bigger deal than finishing the first draft. A first draft is usually so sloppy that it doesn't feel like the real book. One good revision though, and then it starts to feel real. Because then what you have is something you can actually show people. I would never send a first draft to anyone. I've been coming up with so many ideas for the (sorta) sequel to Needles. But it's not really a sequel in the sense that it happens after the events of the first book. The way this whole thing started... It originally was an anthology of short stories that all take place in the same town. But the more I got into it, the more I was interested in telling the story of these three characters before everyone else. So, what is now Needles is the story of three characters who all have really messed up pasts. But, there are all these other short stories that take place in the same city that are good, too. They just aren't in this book because they don't follow the three main characters. So, I have a whole other book worth of short stories I want to release. So, it's more like a companion book than a sequel, I suppose. I'm starting to get ideas to expand on those stories, too. This messed up town where messed up things happen might be a series one day. People on Reddit are going nuts over the last two chapters I shared. My editor is also working faster, too. He's up to chapter 9 now. OF is this weekend. I feel like such a failure as a vendor. I have hardly any new paintings this year. If anyone asks why, I'll tell them it's because I've been writing a novel. It's the truth. I feel like once Needles is done, I will probably do nothing but paint for a while. The Eclipse gave me a really cool idea for another novel, also. I feel like there's so many things I want to write, and not enough time for it all. I've seen new age quotes about how if the calling is strong enough no one can ignore it. Maybe this is really something I was called to do. I don't write high brow fiction, though. I doubt anything I've written will change the world. I don't write feelgood stories. All my characters are morally gray. Bad things happen in my books. I've had people ask me if anyone in my Universe is a decent human being. I've had people tell me I should seek professional help. I've had people ask if I'm okay after reading my work, etc. It feels good being this close. But I want to be finished. I'm sure I'm obsessing a little. But writing these stories was something that kept me going when Z left. I paint when I'm happy and I generally write when I"m miserable. Right after Z left was one of the worst times of my life. And I hardly painted anything but I wrote all the time. I feel like going through all of that and then no one ever seeing the stories I wrote is such a waste. Something good had to come out of all of that suffering. And this is the good thing.

So many people throughout my life have acted like it's such a big problem that I expect people to follow through with their words. If someone says they will be at my house at 3PM, that's what I expect. And then if they show up at 5:30 and I'm a little irritated, well, that's my problem. I shouldn't have expected them to be there when they said they would. I, like you, don't commit to something I can't follow through with. And if something happens that changes things, I will at least tell them. Like if I say I"m going to be somewhere and then something happens that makes me late, I will let them know. Since I rely on public transportation I am not always in control of when I leave, etc. I try to give myself plenty of time to allow for late taxis, etc. But that isn't fool proof. I wouldn't tell someone I'll read their book and then not read it. And I definitely wouldn't ask someone for a copy of their book if I wasn't planning to read it. But, I bet for at least a few people, it's been a matter or feeling pressured. Not like I am pressuring anyone myself. But since they know me, they might feel pressured to like it. Some people might be thinking, "Well, she's my friend, and if I don't like her book, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't want to lie." I am one hundred percent honest when I say I don't care if people don't like my book. In the first 5 pages a teenage boy pins his father against a wall and holds a knife to his throat. There's an f bomb six lines into the story. There is a graphic rape scene, multiple murders, lots and lots of substance abuse, prostitution, etc. My main character is a drug dealer, (who also occasionally sells himself along with the drugs.) I know this brand of fiction isn't for everyone. I don't expect everyone to like it. And I'm also kind of a masochist when it comes to criticism of my writing. I don't know why, but for some reason when I get a scathing critique on Reddit, it makes my day. I've said it here before, too, I can't wait for my first one star review. I was reading reviews for The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things on Goodreads not too long ago, and someone wrote a one star review that said something like, "This is way too disturbing for me. I couldn't sleep at night thinking about it." All I could think was I hope someone writes something like that about one of my books one day, lol. Idk though, I take people at face value, but I've learned most people don't take anyone at face value. People usually don't mean what they say, or say what they mean. Everyone lies. It really is better when I expect nothing. So, maybe next time someone asks me for a digital copy I'll just send it expecting they won't read it. I also wonder if this is how it will be when it's out. Are people who know me just going to buy it and put it up on a shelf somewhere, and then once in a while pull it out when they have company and be like, "I totally know this author!" I guess it doesn't matter by that point. If it's published and people are buying it I still benefit from that. But I do hope people buy it and actually read it. I also understand that no one cares about my work as much as I do. That's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of creatives people. No one cares about my paintings as much as I do, either.

There is a pretty scathing post about one of the restaurants she worked at in out town on Facebook right now. It's in our town's public Facebook group. Someone who used to work there posted a bunch of pics of how nasty the kitchen is and how some of the employees there do really nasty things to the food. Seeing this actually didn't bother me. It's not a place I go, haven't been there in years. And it also made me wonder if she was one of the employees this person is talking about. If so, I hope she saw that post, too. I wonder how she feels being called out like that, even if it's anonymous. I know this is not a good situation. It's not a good thing that this place is open and serving food when it's that dirty, etc. I know all the people who do eat there probably saw that post and were really disgusted. I don't mean to come off completely self centered. I know it's not a good thing. I'm just saying since I don't go there personally, and because she probably saw it, maybe it's a little bit of low key karma for her, that seeing it didn't bother me. I have therapy in two days. I've also been really trying to push myself to revise these last four chapters. There are a lot of loose ends I'm tying up. There also have been a few things I've added to the ending, which mean I have to go back to parts in the middle and rewrite them. I made kind of a big decision involving one of the three main characters. It might be risky to change something like this so close to the end. But I think it makes more sense this way. It might not be the healthiest way of thinking, but I've also considered this as an example of living well being the best revenge. When we were together she told me more than once that she wishes she would have actually did something with her life, and it was really obvious she had a lot of resentment for me because I am actually doing something with my life. If she ever finds out about this book, it will just drive that nail in a little harder. There will be one most instance of me getting off my ass and actually doing something while she continues to be a miserable drunk who goes from job to job and partner to partner because stability is impossible for her. I wonder if she watched the eclipse yesterday. If she did she was probably drinking and barely paying attention. She probably had her phone out taking selfies, she was probably all over social media talking about how awesome it is, etc, while barely taking the time to be still and focus on the awesomeness.

I have multiple friends/family members, and even acquaintances who practically beg to be beta readers. Everyone really wants to read Needles, since it's almost finished. But not one person who"s been sent a copy (accept D) has read it, or even started reading it. If I send someone a copy and a couple weeks go by and they don't open it, I remove their access. It's not good to have tons of digital copies floating around. And I've removed access to pretty much everyone I've sent it to. No one has even noticed. Just so no one reading this gets the wrong idea, I'm not running around begging everyone I know to please please please read my book. These are people who asked me if they could read it. And it's not that I am just trying to get free labor out of people. Beta readers are paid most of the time. And I plan on paying some professional beta readers. But there are people who beta read for free, too, and people I know have asked for that chance. My ex (the vendor I dated) did free beta reads regularly for a handful of authors he knows. My one friend who asked me for a copy multiple times keeps telling me she's going to start on it next week. But "next week," has been coming for like 2 months. I took her access away. And last time she brought it up I actually told her I took her access away. I was polite about it. I said I take access away from people who don't read it because I don't want a bunch of copies floating around. And she was like, "Well, I don't know about punctuation and grammar and stuff. I don't think I'm the right person to go through and check for mistakes and all that." Ok... that isn't what I expect. Any copy I send at this point is pretty much scrubbed clean of all that. And also, that's what I'm paying an editor for. Idk, I'm sure there will be people reading this thinking I sound like a brat complaining. It's just frustrating that everyone wants a copy until they get a copy.

Her saying she liked me better when I didn't talk was a regular thing when she was drinking a lot. I wish I could say a lot of people probably like her better when she isn't talking. But it seems like everyone just loves her. Our neighbor was standing there talking to us during this exchange and he didn't seem bothered at all by the way she was treating me. The whole time we were together, she didn't have friends over to the house. But there were plenty of times where my friend came over. And she treated me this way in front of people I knew, and no one ever said a thing. It was stuff like that that made me think maybe I am the problem here. But, now none of those people are my friends anymore. They all sided with her and I cut them all out of my life. They've all reached out and apologized and tried to be friends with me again. And I've told them all basically, "Apology accepted, access denied." Most of them asked why, and I said, "You made your choice. You chose her. Now deal with that." She quits jobs like it's nothing and always just walks in somewhere and walks out with a job. She screws roommates out of rent, etc, and gets kicked out of places, but always finds somewhere else to live, usually within a day. She treats people like crap, and there's never been any consequences. But she's also really hot. So she can basically do whatever she wants in our society. I heard multiple people say she's so fun when she's drunk. I legit wondered if I was crazy because she was such a mean drunk. And she was also a really sloppy drunk. I cleaned up her puke multiple times, I made sure she was asleep on her side with a bunch of pillows piled up so she couldn't roll over and choke, etc. No one seemed to recognize any of that. Even our roommate, all she ever had to say was, "It's just so funny!!!" And now I keep looking back and feeling so angry at the way I was treated but also angry that this was my life for a while. And you're right, to her, facts were worthless. It doesn't matter how reverse osmosis water is actually filtered. All that matters is what she thinks. And since I drink it at work, well I'm sh*tmouth, and I need to shut up and go drink from the toilet, etc. When she first moved in here we used to sit out on my porch and talk all night, literally. And we would have these serious conversations about stuff like religion, and the meaning of life, etc. But she was sober for most of those conversations, too. And yea, she is a fountain of ideas alright. I have two characters based on her. A character in another novel I'm working on is a raging alcoholic who she inspired. Yep, she is the queen of projection too. Like, who would really spit in a water cooler? Well, she would. She used to also give me a lot of crap when I worked out at Planet Fitness and would use the Hydro Massage beds. It's like laying on a waterbed with jets underneath that massage you. You're not in water. Despite explaining this to her multiple times, and even taking a picture of the bed to show her, she would always tell me how gross that is because who knows who has been in that water and what kind of bodily fluids are in there. No one is "in the water." but that didn't matter to her because who cares about facts? History is being made today. This is the only time in my life I will ever see a total Solar Eclipse. An Eclipse is a good time to let go of things. It's a reminder of how small we are in the Universe. I'm going to bed for a few hours and then waking up to go out to my Mom's house in the middle of nowhere to have the best view. I'm sure it will inspire me in so many ways. And hopefully I can let go of a lot of crap I don't need to carry anymore. I designed a tattoo for someone who is working with the University in my city just to commemorate this occasion for the,. So, this is something that I will only see once, and someone has my artwork representing it on their body for life. Those are the things I need to be thinking about today. While the Eclipse is happening my ex will probably be sitting in front of her PS4 drinking and playing Red Dead Redemption. She complains so much about not living a better life, yet she won't get off her ass and live a better life. So, even though it's not a matter of winning or losing, in the end, who is really living a better life? Hey, if you lived in my area I'd totally have you over for dinner. My roommate can cook, too. I mean, he went to culinary school and worked in some high end restaurants. It's something he's really passionate about. My upstairs tenant and I will never go hungry with him here. I feel like I should give him a discount on rent for how much he feeds me, lol. Him and I and his ex (who he's now best friends with) are taking a road trip next weekend, too. So I have that to look forward to. Thanks for replying. I always like reading your posts, old timer.

I wish my parents would have fed me better as a kid. It's not like we starved. There was always plenty of food. But my Mom cooked junk a lot. Hot pockets, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, etc. We ate a lot of highly processed crap. And my parents were really big on "clean your plate!" And also, it didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food. You ate what was put in front of you, no exceptions. As soon as I got out of the house I changed the way I eat. I was a vegetarian for a while when I was younger. Not out of principle or anything, I'm just not big on meat, not even now. I eat mostly fish when I do decide to eat meat. I'm really surprised I have all my teeth, too. Because not only were we fed crap but we never went to the dentist as kids. But I'm also kind of obsessive about taking care of my teeth.

Yea, he's not upset or anything. I just hope he understands. He has a man's metabolism and can eat whatever he wants. I also just had a thought about Z being a chef, and why she was so untrusting when it came to food handled by other people, etc. She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff. And she's worked in half the restaurants in this town. Knowing that doesn't inspire much confidence.

Not paper, but I have a file on my phone that is full of notes and ideas. I actually wrote some stuff in it that I wanted to write about in this thread and last night was the first chance I had to do it. (Except the water filter, that was just something I thought about when I went downstairs early this morning and saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge. I have two tenants currently, and the guy who is living in my basement (the one with the water filter) is a chef. That alone has brought back a few memories because so was she. But she rarely cooked anything (which is fine, I never expected her to cook just because she did it professionally.) But he cooks all the time. I mean, there is so much food a lot of it goes to waste. Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made. He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc. And then last night he went and picked up a friend who works at Bob Evans after she closed the restaurant. And she gave him a big box of left over biscuits. So today he made this big batch of sausage gravy. He made some really good pasta from scratch last week. I took that to work with me a couple nights last week. I'm not complaining. That's what he likes to do, so hey, cook away. He was asking me yesterday why I don't eat more. And his cooking is awesome, but it's not exactly healthy. I'm a healthy eater and I don't sit down to big meals. I eat small amounts here and there throughout the day. I just hope his feelings aren't hurt that I'm not always stuffing my face, lol.

Wow... I just went downstairs to shower and pack tomorrow's lunch before I got to bed. And I saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge. He will only drink filtered water and sometimes he goes and fills up jugs at the reverse osmosis machines all around town. I forgot all about this until now. But seeing his water filter made me remember the time Z and I were sitting outside and I don't remember how it came up, but I said something about the water coolers at work. She said she would never trust drinking from a water cooler at work because who knows who's spitting in it, etc. I told her these are reverse osmosis cools, you can't get into them without a key and people come from the water company to change them when they are out. She immediately went off on this whole tangent about hos disgusting that is and how disgusting I am for drinking that water because according to her reverse osmosis is sewage that has been purified. I told her I've never heard that. SO I looked it up on my phone right in front of her. It's not sewage that's filtered. It's just a different filtering process for filtering regular water. I showed her a video on it that was about two minutes long. But she still kept insisting I'm drinking sewage all day at work. I told her if you want to get technical all water was probably sewage at some point, because of the way water goes through the water cycle and evaporates and stuff. She was like, "You're not helping your case here!" She started talking about how from now on she's not going to kiss me until after I brush my teeth when I get home from work, etc. And then our neighbor came over and was talking to us for a little bit and I said something to him (not about the water, about whatever we were talking about and Z was like, "Shut up sh*tmouth." I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking." And for the rest of the conversation she's telling me things like "Go drink some water out of the toilet like you do at work." I forgot about this until now. She wasn't just joking around either. This wasn't just sarcasm, etc. She was legit being mean. She seemed so stuck on all these ideas about me being this disgusting person. I don't bathe enough. I stink. I knowingly drink sewage, etc. None of that is true. It was like believing that I"m a physically gross person made her feel better about herself. She was so insecure about how she looks, etc. And she took several showers a day. She was obsessive about her hygiene, etc. She didn't have OCD. SOoe people can be really obsessive about certain things and not have OCD. SO I won't sit here and say I think she had OCD or not, but she had some really obsessive tenancies. I told her once that while I have no clue what she's going through as far as gender dysphoria is concerned, I do know what it's like to obsess about things, and I also know what it's like to hate your body. So, from experiencing those things, I can at least make an educated guess about how she feels on a daily basis. I am not in her shoes. But I was attempting to show empathy the best way I could. That was a huge mistake because it became, "How dare you compare your problems to mine?!" I wasn't comparing. I was just trying to see things from her perspective. But I was told gender dysphoria is way worse than OCD. I don't think of anyone mental struggle as a competition. All disorders are on a spectrum. There are people with OCD who can barely leave their houses because their symptoms are so bad. Then there are people like me who have a lot of obsessions and who ritualized a lot of things, but who also have it under control to the point where it doesn't disrupt their lives, at least not often. To her though, everything was transaction and everything was a competition. I feel so sad for her current partner who is mentally disabled. I'm not saying mentally disabled people are defective and that they don't deserve to date, fall in love, etc. But I a good friend of mine knows this person. They are severely mentally disabled. They can't work, etc. They function on the mental level of a 12-14 year old. So, someone like that is probably very trusting and very easy to take advantage of. Z has the perfect partner for herself. This person will probably never question her. They are probably handing over all their money to her. And from what I heard Z is still a raging alcoholic, and I know what a mean drunk she is. I bet she's really nasty to her current SO when she's drinking and her current SO is probably being gaslit into thinking it's not really happening or that Z is only that way because she loves them, etc. I hope they get out of that relationship before too much damage is done. It's really sad.

One other thing that I've been thinking about lately... I keep wanting tow rite about it here, but I always think about it when I'm not in front of the computer. After we broke up and she would come around and want to talk through things... it was always framed almost like what she did was completely random and out of her control. It was always, "I'm so sorry I did that to you of all people because you're such a good person." "I feel so bad that you had to go through that because you didn't deserve it." Ok... but she chose to act that way. This reminds me of these stories you hear where something really violent like a shootout between rival gangs breaks out somewhere and someone who had nothing to do with any of it just happened to be nearby minding their own business and they got shot and killed too. Or a drunk driver who hit an innocence Mom and her baby. It's like that's the way she wants me to see all of this. "Oh it sucks so much that you just happened to be in my line of fire at the time. But I'm completely innocent!" In those other situations the drunk driver and the gang members aren't innocent, though. Everyone is always so sorry after the fact. I must be a rare breed because I actually think about my actions before doing them. All the friends she turned against me have apologized and tried to salvage their friendship with me. I've politely told them all no, because they made their choice. They chose her, so they can live with that choice. I don't care how much they miss me as a friend. She's not friends with any of them anymore. (At least according to them, they all told me during these conversations, "I don't even talk to her anymore!") I'm just going on what people said. Before people start accusing me of keeping tabs on everyone. But her saying things and acting like this was all just a random tragedy and I was just the unlucky one really pisses me off. She can't even own what she did. She tried to tell me once that she went to therapy and the therapist was so amazed with her level of insight that he told her she should be a therapist. I seriously doubt that. But that's her reason for not going to therapy. She thinks she doesn't need it and that she has everyone and everything figured out. She tried to convince me more than once that I'm bipolar. No therapist I've ever seen has ever suggest I'm bipolar, and I don't have manic episodes. But Z knows everything. She should be a therapist. If a therapist really did tell her that, I wonder if he regretted it after. Because I could see a therapist telling a patient something like, "Well since you're interested in learning about the mind, have you considered going into psychology?" Or something like that because she is really interested in knowing about the mind. But I think if something like that was ever said, she took it way out of context.