Cynder

So, getting back to what I was writing about before... My ex Aaron... my second longest relationship... He was a doer, also. And what we both wanted was pretty well aligned in the beginning but we branched out in different directions. Psychedelics was what tore us apart, in the simplest version of the story. When we started seeing each other, I was just starting to find my footing as an artist, and he was just finding his as a software engineer. I think he really wanted me to come more over to his side of the fence and live more of a white collar existence. He hated that I worked in the automotive industry, etc. He really wanted me to find an office job. And because we were together for a long time, he got established and got the good job, etc while he was with me. And once he had the good job, that was it. Which is fine. I'm all for someone getting to a place where they are comfortable in life and staying there. But once he stopped looking around and started settling into his role with his new company, he just expected me to stop evolving, also. He was content to spend all our time just watching Netflix, etc. And it didn't help that around the time he got the good job and started settling down, that's when I decided it was time to fly halfway around the world and do Ayahuasca. And it as also around that time that my abuser was being persecuted for abusing my sister. I hadn't even spoken to my Mom in months and the only thing that got us talking again was she was convinced I was going to die in a hut in the jungle. So it's interesting how my decision drove Aaron away but brought my Mom back into my life. He was very anti drugs. And there were no exceptions. Someone has really bad chronic pain and the only thing that helps is weed. Too bad, they can suffer, etc. And this is something that never made sense to me because he drank. So alcohol is OK because it's socially acceptable? And the conditions we both agreed on were that I would go on antidepressants when Ayahuasca didn't help. He was so set on thinking it would do nothing for me. And so then when I did it... and I came back to the states and went full ham with my art and dove headfirst into the festival scene, he decided he couldn't handle me anymore. I didn't find this out until over a year later, but he also met someone else and ended it to be with her. So, looking back, I don't really know if it was both reasons, or if he just used all my issues as an excuse to go be with this other girl. In those situations, people usually do try to justify their own actions by blaming the person they're leaving. My vendor ex, M, was most definitely a doer. And at first I thought I won the dating lottery because what we wanted was so in line with each other, and we had the same drive, etc. We were like the festival scene power couple. But he can't handle competition. he feels threatened by everyone. And he's rich, so he just throws money around tog et his way. He doesn't like someone, he just has them banned, and pays the organizers off. And him and I had completely opposite attitudes when it came to how to run a business. I'm not saying one way is right, etc, because everyone runs their operation differently. But my way is my way for a reason. And I became scene royalty for a reason. Over time he stopped seeing his girlfriend and started seeing another competitor that he needed to knock down. But it was really hard for him to knock me down because we sell completely different things. I never saw him as competition because he's a leather worker. If someone wants a leather bound journal, or a leather bag, etc, they're going to go to him. If someone wants a painting or a print to hang in their house, they'll come to me. I don't even see other artists as competition because everyone style is different. Like, if someone wants art like what Banksy does, they won't come to me because that's not my art style. (Not saying anything against Banksy.,.. dude's a genius.) Basically, if someone like my work, they'll buy my work. There are so many other talented artists out there. I don't see any of them as competition because no one is the same. He would have a bad show and be mad at me for a week after. If I had a good show he would get really pissy with me and insist in a rude demanding way that I pay for dinner, gas for the drive home, etc. And I never refused to pull my weight. But him insisting that I pay for all of that stuff just because I had a good show was so juvenile. Then we would get to his house and he'd tell me to go sleep in the guest room because he doesn't want to sleep next to me, etc. I think a ;lot of that had to do with him just getting his way all his life and being spoiled. So he never learned how to handle disappointment or not getting what he wants. And then there was Z, who resented me for doing what I want to do. I don't need to go int all that because I have before, recently. And like M, she also saw someone she had to knock down, but for different reasons. Looking back, the only person who was also a doer and who didn't resent me was D. And he's a doer like I am. I've considered that him and I weren't together long enough for him to start hating me. Because just about everyone that came before literally started to hate me while we were together. I know OCD has played a role to some extent here also. But my OCD is pretty self contained. Like, I don't expect everyone around me to do things a certain way because that's how I do them, etc. That becomes a real probably with a lot of people with OCD in relationships. Most of mine are so bizarre that they don't really impact other people around me. Like, I hate wet clothing. Especially other people's clothes. I don't even like touching my own clothes when they are wet but I make myself do it when I do laundry. It's not like life is full of situations where handling wet clothes is absolutely necessary and I've had a lot of fights with SOs about why I won't do it. Bathing is really ritualized for me, and I have a hard time bathing in someone else's house until I reach a certain level of comfort with them. D understood all this, but oddly enough he has some of the same hangups about clothes and about bathing. I'm not trying to sit here and say I'm a perfect angel. But I don't treat people the way a lot of people have treated me. And so many people have said I treated them better than anyone. But most of them really started to resent me and dislike me over time. It's also harder to connect with people post NDE. And I wish I had a little more time to go into this. But publishing Needles does scare me a little. It's such a hard time to be an author. Authors can't do or say anything without pissing someone off. And yes, I want those scathing one star reviews on goodreads. But a one star review is different from people personally attacking someone. And a lot of authors get personally attacked for what they write. Just trying to do honest research got me threatened with doxing. And people read my work and think I"m a man which is a huge compliment because male writers are taken a lot more seriously. But it also sucks because men can't do anything right in our society. The men's rights movement deserves a lot more visibility. I hate the way men are treated and think this whole "men are scum" attitude needs to go away already. There are plenty of scum women out there too. Anyway... this little stream of consciousness rambling has been fun but I really need to go get changed for work.

Since multiple friends I kicked out of my life have come back around lately, I've been reflecting a lot on past relationships, etc. So many former friends miss me so much, etc. And Most of my exes have come back around at some point (not recently, just throughout my life and told me I treated them better than anyone ever has. But it's funny, considered everyone who has told me that cheated. Ok... so I treated you so good, but you screwed around? I think there are a lot of broken people out there who just can't handle being treated well. Z even used to tell me she had never met anyone like me. She told me on multiple occasions that I am "down to Earth." She told me most of her exes were really jealous and controlling, and I'm not, so she wasn't really sure how to deal with someone who didn't act like that. (Apparently the conclusion she came to was to just ghost me, lol.) Pretty much everyone I'm with ends up strongly disliking me or straight up hating me in the long run. And I've spent a lot of time reflecting on why, since I don't treat people bad. Being a doer and not a talker, I think is a big issue for a lot of people. Doers are intimidating and we are usually perceived as really selfish. And there's a degree of truth to that. My first serious boyfriend had this really narrow world view. His parents met and were married three months later and they were only 15 and 17 when they got married. And it was a shotgun wedding. His older sister, pretty much the same thing only she was 17. So, because that's the way things were in his family, he thought that's the way everyone is supposed to live their life. So, he expected to knock some girl up as a teenager and then marry her. I threw a wrench is all of that. For one I wouldn't sleep with him. And this life he wanted didn't sound appealing to me at all. So of course I'm selfish. Ok, I don't want to spend my life barefoot, pregnant in the kitchen raising your kids. If that makes me selfish then fine, I;m selfish. He was also a talker. He'd sit around blabbing about all the stuff he wanted to do, and never do it. My ex husband was a doer, also. And two doers are a lot more compatible. But unless what they want to do is pretty closely aligned, then that's not going to work either. And he also expected me to drop everything to help with whatever creative project he was working on at the time, and usually I didn't mind helping him because what he was working on was fun and interesting. But if I asked for any help it was a hard no. And then it got to the point where he just expected me to devote all my time to helping him and not do anything for myself. Like, "Why are you writing? You should be editing my book for me!" "Why are you painting? You should be working on my CD cover?" The final coffin nail was me going to Europe. And it wasn't so much that I went. But it was that I worked my ass off to save the money to go when I could have spent the money on him. All our bills were getting paid. It's not like we were starving and living without electricity, etc, just so I could go to Europe. I got my paycheck and put what was left after bills and food, etc away toward Europe. He got his check and after bills blew all his money on cam girls, DVDs, and energy drinks (he was addicted to Monsters.) And then when it's time to book my flight he just expects me to cancel the whole trip and buy him a car. Um no. So once again, I was selfish. But even when he had a car, I never got a ride anywhere. I walked to work in the rain more than once while his car was gassed up in the driveway. I relied on public transportation, etc. Because him and his family were convinced my eyes aren't bad and I can drive and I'm just faking it. So he refused to give me a ride anywhere. So hey... why the hell should I buy him a car? And man, that was one of the most satisfying no's I've ever said in my life. Because by that point I'd already busted him cheating on me more than once, etc. I came back from Europe and started apartment hunting. This is a topic I want to write more about. But I need to leave and go do some video editing.

I really wish more people understood what it's actually like working third shift, mainly my boss. I worked on Easter even though the gym was closed. Because "Well, we still need you to clean. And it's not like you're giving up your holiday." Well, I'm not a Christian and I don't celebrate Easter, but I was looking forward to a 3 day weekend. Well now, Memorial Day is this weekend. And I have to work even though we're closed. No holiday pay, of course. Because, "Well, you're not giving up your holiday!" I was told this is going to be a regular thing. That third shift is going to be coming in and deep cleaning on all the holidays. Uh... how the hell is that fair? If deep cleaning when we're closed is so important how about we rotate what shift does it? Or how about everyone just comes in and we all bust it all out in like 2-3 hours? And then they wonder why they can't keep help on third shift? And aside from all that, our task list just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Right now it's impossible to do by myself unless I halfass some of it. Like, the spa area used to be second shift's responsibility. Well, about a year ago they gave that to third shift, on top of everything else. That's ten more rooms we have to clean. Honestly, if I did everything they want me to do, I could spend a whole shift just on the spa. And since I'm there alone, I do all the customer service stuff too. And this is the busiest time of the year. I usually don't even get away from the counter until around 1AM. I really do like my job. But I like it a lot better when I have help. They hired this one girl who showed up twice and then just stopped showing up, no call or anything. I'm kinda relieved honestly though because I wasn't sure if I was going to get along with her. She never smiled, at all. When my boss was training her she just had an attitude the whole time. I was looking at her Facebook just out of curiosity, and all her posts were about what an a*shole she is, what a b*tch she is, and stuff like, "If you don't like me then go f yourself." And there was just a lot of drama on her page that I could see just as someone who dropped in for a quick look. There were multiple posts where she was arguing with people, etc. She reminded me of some of the people I kicked out of my life a few years ago, lol. But anyway, another thing that annoys me... People find out I work third shift and they just immediately start expressing sympathy. Stuff like, "Wow, I feel so sorry for you... I can't even imagine how much that sucks!... Omg, I feel so bad for you!" I love the hours I work. I don't even want to work during the day again. I'm a nocturnal creature. For years I tried to live a normal existence in the daylight. I've been an insomniac my whole life, and when I started working overnight, my insomnia went away for the most part. Once in a while I have trouble sleeping, but hardly ever. And when I worked during the day I never got enough sleep. I'm frustrated with my editor. He told me over a month ago that he would have the next chapter to me "In a few days." I understand people get busy. But this is getting ridiculous. I'm the one paying him. Anyway... need to get to bed so I can get up and go edit video later.

Needles is finished!!!! Well... at least this revision is finished. My editor still needs to go through it and I need to make revisions based on what he says. But my own revisions are done. Revisions were so much more grueling than the drafting process. And revision can go on forever. At some point I'm going to have to decide to be happy with it. Or else it will never truly be finished. I just hope my editor will step it up a little and work faster now that it's done. I've sent him 42 chapters and an epilogue. I've gotten back 9 chapters. And I'm sure on some level he's been thinking something like, "She's not even finished yet. I can take my time." And that's fine if he is. I'm not paying him by the hour. I'm paying him by the word. How long he takes to do something doesn't really matter from a financial perspective. But now that I am finished... I'm waiting on him. Basically he will go through and make his suggestions, I make revisions based on his suggestions, and then we will have a final draft. Then I can start doing all the other things authors have to do, like file for copyright, get my ISBN, etc. Originally my goal was to release by July of 2024. Well, that's not happening. But not because I didn't work my ass off. Sometimes a goal needs re-evaluated. I would love to release it by the end of this year. But that is probably pushing it, too. There's a lot that goes into this process... and it's an expensive process, so, money might delay things even more. Like, I might have to wait to have inventory printed up to sell until I have the money to pay for it, etc. Self published authors get to keep all the money they make... but they also pay for everything. Part of me still wants to try traditional publishing. It's more like I just want to see if I can do it. Like, do I have the chops to be traditionally published? But, I don't think I need to prove anything to myself. Every author I know has told me self publishing is the way to go. And I know some who are traditionally published as well as self published. Anyway, I need to go get some sleep. Now that I'm done, maybe today when I wake up I'll paint something.

I have things I want to say in response to this, but I'm fading fast. I need to go to sleep. But later.

Yes. I will admit I've said some mean things out of angel. I'm not proud of myself. But I've never told anyone to go kill themself. And I've been told that a lot. D's sister even texted me that the night D and I broke up. Probably the most angry I've ever been in my life at someone was when I found out my ex husband was cheating on me with one of my friends. I called him every name in the book and told him I hated him. And then I texted pretty much the same thing to her. But even then I didn't say, "Go kill yourself." I was actually suicidal when all this was going on and I have wondered how any of the people who said that to me would have felt if I did it. I know it doesn't matter. But the part of me that thinks about everything has wondered.

Yep, mean girls. And Z is Regina George. I'm so determined to write a novel one day with a Machiavellian lead character. And the more research I do on the Machiavellian personality type, the more it sounds like her. I'm not diagnosing anyone. I'm not qualified for that. A Machiavellian will just go ham and destroy someone's life for fun, just because they can. And she didn't destroy my life. But I think if given the right tools and under the right circumstances she definitely could destroy someone's life. And I've thought a lot about this from that lens. People are toys to her. And my former friends were toys, also. She never had any real interest in being friends with any of them. It was all about hurting me. And also, if she really is Machiavellian (which she might be, but also might not be, I don't know.) She probably just decided that it was some huge injustice that I have things she wants but doesn't have. So, instead of working to get those things for herself, she decided to just take me down a few pegs. And I can see how these former friends of mine were reeled in by her. She is incredibly charismatic. I mean, she reeled me in, too. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it, and she's really hot. She wins people over with flattery and ass kissing, but also has a way of relating to people no matter what they say. And you're right, they egged it on. I had people screenshotting her posts on FB about me and sending them to me even after I said I don't want to see that. And L went from being ride or die and calling me her sister, to being 100% on Z's side in all of this. It's crazy though... L also went around telling everyone that I allowed a pedophile to be around her son... well the pedo she was referring to is Z, who is not a pedophile. That one still stumps me. Her and Z are suddenly besties after we break up and she's going around saying that in an effort to make me look bad... but she's also making Z look really bad, too. And no one seemed to catch on to that for some reason. Idk man... if I was somewhere on the periphery of all of this and someone was telling me "She knowingly let this person who's a pedo around my kid!" My first question would he, "Well, why are you still hanging out with the pedo then?" Z is many things, but she's not a pedophile. Wonder what would have happened if she found out that her new bestie was saying about her? (And yes, it's all very 6th grade. I feel like a 6th grader just typing this paragraph, lol.) And on a random sidenote, L lost custody of my nephew. I don't know all the details, but her Mom messages me sometimes on Facebook and she's the one that told me. So she' not the mother of the year anyway. I love K to death and I miss him every day.) I do give myself credit for not letting any of them back in my life. Apology accepted, access denied. And they all say they miss my art. Like... ok? You don't miss me. You just miss seeing my paintings, which you can still look at online without interacting with me. Anyone who googles my name will find all kinds of images of my paintings. Oh yea, one of my ideas does take place in the same universe with the same cast of characters. I love this world I created. And I have two other novels drafted that I need to revise, and I have another one in the works currently. And I have been starting to get the urge to paint again. Good vibes back. Thank you. I appreciate the vibes and I appreciate your reply.

Yep, I try so hard to remember that a lot of this is about them and not about me. My Mom has a set idea of what teenagers should listen to when I was a teenager, and I deviated from that so I'm bad. But also, my Mom is (or at least was at that time) the kind of person who would dislike someone based on their taste in music.) My parents disliked a lot of people. Basically anyone who didn't act like them was a POS. And since they were alcoholics they hung out with other alcoholics, so no one ever called them out or challenged them on their choice of friends, etc. It takes all kinds of kinds, I like that. I've said before that when I started working at festivals I felt like the Bee Girl in the Blind Melon video when she finally found all the other Bee people. The scene is full of eccentric creative people and everyone accepts people for who they are. And there's also a lot of Autistic people in the scene. When I was younger I was so socially awkward. Social cues were like a foreign language to me. I didn't pick up on the nuances of a lot of things. I didn't understand what was appropriate to talk about and when, etc. And then it didn't help that at home I got in trouble practically every time I opened my mouth. As an adult I've gotten a lot better, but there are still things I don't understand at all. Even when I write, I have a hard time writing emotions because there are some emotions I just don't experience like other people do. And I'm a really literal thinker, too, which seems to get me in trouble a lot. I think in the case of people who apologize after the fact, that's more for them than it is for the person they hurt. I mean yea, there are times when something really wasn't intended and then you apologize after. Like, I stepped on my cat's tail the other day and I probably told him I was sorry 5 times after, because I genuinely didn't mean to hurt him. But if I stepped on his tail on purpose just to be a jerk, saying sorry afterwords is pointless. Because if I really felt bad about hurting him, I wouldn't have hurt him. Like in the case of my former friends, I think it's just an effort to clear their conscience. Thank you for replying. You always bring such good insight to the table. I really appreciate your kind words, old timer. 🙂

I know a lot of the things people say are actually statements about themselves rather than others. Like my Mom's comments about music and books being why people don't like me... Ok, those are reasons she would dislike someone. My ex husband was really shallow. He doesn't like people based on looks, etc. But like my online friend (former friend now) I've wondered a lot what drove his behavior. Like, if I'm talking to someone, I'm not filing away all the things they do that are wrong in my eyes. Especially if those things don't directly affect me. If I was talking to someone and they tell me they went on vacation by themself, ok, so? I'm not sitting here thinking, "Wow, that's so messed up!" That would be like someone saying they really like matcha tea and me thinking, "Wow, you have issues!" because I don't like matcha tea. But these friends who were in my life for a long time, siding with her... I also know that's about them more than it is about me. But I still get stuck on figuring out why, especially if to some of them I was their "best friend." I've questioned if it's the right decision to not let any of them back into my life. But the way I see it, they chose her. That was their choice and they don't deserve a do-over. People rarely change. I also try to remind myself that she is a miserable person. So it's not like she's living some amazing life. She is currently working somewhere that is notorious for being an evil company who treats their employees like crap. And she has already pissed off a lot of the other people who work there by starting drama at work. (It's weird how I know this, too. There are two ladies who come into the gym at night who also work there. And they always talk to me for a little bit before they go work out. And they were telling me about how their coworker knows me, etc. I guess she comes to work drunk on the regular and starts crap at work all the time. So, all she has is drinking and starting drama for fun. Eventually she's going to back herself into a corner and piss off the wrong people.

I know this is an old thread now, and I really thought I got over a lot of those resurfacing feelings. But it's definitely not helping that multiple friends I lost over this situation have been contacting me over the last month or so. I know it's just a coincidence. Most of these people don't even know I was writing a novel. So they don't know I'm about to finish. The one friend I lost who does know... oddly enough I named a character after him. That was before we stopped talking though. Him and I stayed friends for a few months after she left, and then he turned on me. I named a character after him because I couldn't come up with a name for the guy and him and I were texting, and he jokingly said, "Name him after me." So I did, with his permission, of course. Same first name. Different last name. As much as people want closure, closure rarely closes anything. Multiple people told me to go kill myself when all this was happening. And now those people want to come around and tell me how sorry they are, they shouldn't have listened to her, they feel like idiots, they don't talk to her anymore because they realized she's nothing but trouble. Ok... you would think that would make me feel better on some level. But oddly enough it just hurts even more. I can't even explain why. I guess it's like, Ok, but why couldn't you have just listened in the first place? Three of these people have told me I was their best friend. One of them sent me the most heartfelt apology ever, saying I was the only person he could talk to about anything and I never judged him. Ok... then why side with her? I asked him that and his response was, "Because I was an idiot." Lately I've been obsessing over what it is that makes me so easy to toss aside. I've had a lot of people in my life tell me why I'm not a likeable person. It's not like I'm not open to criticism. But it's been hard to change the qualities that make me not a likeable person because to me they don't make sense and there's nothing wrong with them. My Mom used to say to me all the time when I was a teenager, "And you wonder why nobody wants you around! ... And you wonder why people don't like you!" But she would always say this stuff about things like the music I listen to. She said it about how I dressed and about the fact that I read a lot, too. Like, I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan. And I started listening to them when I was a sophomore in high school. And they were way before my time. I mean, Dark Side of the Moon came out when my Mom wasn't even in high school yet. And I remember her telling me "Kids your age don't listen to bands like that. And you wonder why people don't like you!" To me, liking a band isn't a reason to not like someone. Like, I hate Van Halen. But if someone told me they like Van Halen I wouldn't dislike them because of it. I also read a lot of Stephen King in high school and that was another one, "You read those stupid horror books, and then you wonder why people don't like you!" My ex husband told me once that a lot of people don;t like me because of my eyes, because I always look stoned. I am legally blind in both eyes, and my eyes are a rare color, too. So, I have these intense eyes that never look like they are focusing on anything. And I told him that's a stupid reason to not like someone. And he said, "Well would you like someone if they always looked like they were on drugs?" I remember exactly what I said back to him. I said, "If they weren't a jerk I would." To me, that's no different than not liking someone because they're left handed, etc. It's something bodily that I have no control over. My parents were always talking about my "bad attitude," when I was a preteen. I asked my dad once what I do that's so bad. And he told me I always have to share my opinion about things and I always want to tell my parents about stupid stuff that happens at school and stuff. Ok... so sharing my opinions and talking about stuff that happened at school means I have a bad attitude? I used to be friends with this guy online. We talked a lot over a period of about a year. He lived in my state, but we never met. There was never talk of meeting either. He just was someone I used to talk to on Facebook a lot. And he started thinking he was a shrink over time and wanting to fix me. He would tell me all the things wrong with me. One was that I've slept with two of my friends and don't see that as an issue. It's not like I led anyone on or used anyone for sex. I have a friend who was my off and on FWB for years. Basically whenever we were both single, we banged. It never hurt our friendship. We are still friends now and haven't slept together since 2011. And I have another friend (female) who I hooked up with a few times. She's still my friend too. But this guy thought that was the most dysfunctional thing ever. He also said the fact that I go to the movies by myself, go out to dinner by myself, and even go on vacations by myself is another really messed up thing about me. Once again... these are things that, in my eyes at least, don't make a person unlikable.) So, liking music that kids my age didn't like and dressing Goth, and reading a lot of books are the things wrong with me according to my Mom. And sharing my opinions and talking about school was the problem according to my dad. And having sex with my friends and being confident enough to go places alone were my issues according to my now former friend. And according to my ex husband it's because my eyes are all messed up and I look high all the time. It probably seems like I'm rambling in this post. But this is something that's really been bothering me lately. I also struggle with feeling invisible all the time. And so I start wondering what it is about me that made so many people side with her. These people only knew her through me. I'd been friends with someone of them for 20 years. I just can't imagine turning my back on a 20 year friendship because their ex who I barely know told me some bad things about them. And I can't imagine strongly disliking someone based on any of the things I listed above. When I dislike someone it's because they're a jerk. I've never been diagnosed, but I do seriously wonder if I'm on the Autism spectrum. I fit the profile to the letter, especially as a id. I know I don't view the world the same as a lot of people. And then add to that the fact that I've had a NDE, which changes a person. I can't relate to most people and it's really hard to connect with most people. And talking about how all my former friends are so sorry and people say I was their best friend, etc. Well, Z, has told me multiple times that I treated her better than anyone has ever treated her. The last time we talked she told me she is still in love with me and she thinks she probably always will be. (I'm fully aware this is likely not true. I'm sure it was a game she was playing.) But ok... assuming there was any truth to that, if I was so great why would she just ghost me and then turn several of my friends against me? I asked her that question and she told me she didn't know, because I didn't deserve it, etc. And she made some statement like, "I have real problems. I'm so sorry it was you I did that to because you deserved it the least." She's made it sound like it was something random and out of her control. Well, no it wasn't. She could have not done it. Knowing how bad everyone feels is making it worse for me, and I can't really put why into words. And not knowing how people really feel and if I can trust anything anyone says is another thing that is really hard. And one other thing... being this close to finishing is scary. Because what happens when I finish? This novel literally kept me alive for a time. It is my way of turning the most miserable experience of my life into something amazing. Ok... so I finish it... and then? The experience doesn't just go away because I wrote a book. Well, soon it will be done, so I guess I'll find out what happens next. Any thoughts on this are welcome, even though this thread is old news now.

I have to give myself credit here... I hate writing sex scenes. But as a minimalist writer, I am really proud of this one. How many people can pull off a whole sex scene in 60 words? lol I also don't know if this really qualifies as a "scene." But it's a point in the story where two characters have sex. And it's obvious that's what's happening in 60 words. "The conversation evolved as the night unfurled. Weed and words passed between them in her living room. He never told her about the smudge of charcoal on her face. But he kissed it while inside her later that night. This was a different kind of conversation, one without words. The act of love peeled away another layer, raw and tender." I know it needs polished up. This is taken straight from an ugly first draft and hasn't been revised at all. I just really like how simple it is. My writing style has gotten a lot more elegant over the last year.

It's interesting how since I cut all the toxic assh*les out of my life, I've started noticing patterns among toxic people that I didn't notice before. Like, every toxic person I know has multiple Facebook accounts. Yea, I know I have a dummy account so that doesn't make me innocent either. I have that account so I can still use FB and get the benefits of using it without having to deal with he drama that comes with it. But people I know who are really toxic have 4, 5, 6, sometimes more Facebook accounts. And usually those accounts are all active to some degree. Z had like 5, all under different names. Some under her dead name. And there's her legal dead name and then there's the other dead name a lot of people know her by. It's still a man's name but if's not her legal name. Like, imagine a guy named Bob just deciding one day he wants to be called Ike. That's pretty much what she did. And people know her by two different last names too. But I've also noticed that toxic people cycle through the same friends. It's like, "Well, I pissed this person off... but it's been a while, so I'm sure they forgot about it." Idk what it is over the last maybe 8 weeks. But so many people I kicked to the curb have come back around wanting to be friends again. Last night I got a message from a girl named SKye who I haven't talked to since 2020. She was not part of the grand Exodus of 2021 where a lot of my friends stopped talking to me because of Z. I distanced myself from Skye before that. She never wronged me personally, but I watched her be a complete jerk to other people and I knew it was only a matter of time before my turn would come. (And from what I was told by two people, she said a lot of bad things about em and made fun of me a lot behind my back.) I actually met Z through her, though. Z and Skye were dating when I met Z. I knew Skye through the festival scene. She's not a vendor. She's just someone who goes to a lot of events. She did talk a lot of crap about me when Z and I split up, though. But by that point I had already not talked to her for over a year so I didn't really care. She also hit on me a lot when I was with M, my vendor ex. And it was always, "Well it's not cheating if you're sleeping with a woman." "M doesn't have to know." Etc. And I've mentioned before how Z used to call me out over ancient Facebook posts when we were together. Z told me once that Skye used to make fun of me all the time when they were dating, and that Skye would screenshot my Facebook posts and send them to her to make fun of me. Jeez... just typing this out feels so juvenile. This is why I don't talk to these people anymore. Let's all sit around acting like a bunch of high school mean girls, yea we're so cool, lol. But long story short... guess who messaged me and sent me a friend request last night around 2AM. Yep, Skye. I've always given people a chance to at least apologize to me when this happens. She asked me how I was doing and told me she missed talking to me and seeing my art. (It's always my art they miss. And then people wonder why I think that's all I have to offer.) And she wants to hang out soon. She wants me to meet her new BF. Um... I haven't talked to you in four years. Why would you want me to meet your new BF? But it could be because she's out of friends right now and so she's trying to cycle back through some of her old ones she pissed off or pushed away. I was polite in my reply but in reality I don't give two craps about her and her new BF. And when I say I was polite... I guess the better word to use would be civil. Because I basically said, "I'm doing well. I'm confused about why you're messaging me because you talked a lot of crap about me behind my back. Good luck with the new guy." Basically, "Yea I'm good. Hope all goes well. And I didn't forget about what happened, lol." Well, need to go to sleep now so I can get up and go edit video tonight.

Well, I'm revising chapter 40, 40 of 42. And then there's an epilogue. The closer I get to the end, the more the fear of failure creeps in. I'm still going to finish it and put it out there. Fear of failure has never held me back before. But my perfectionism is causing me some trouble. I feel like I have to obsessively revis everything until it meets my standards, etc. I am considering doing a full on rewrite of chapter 6 even after my editor edited it. The reason is simple, I'm not happy with it. But, no work of art is ever finished, only abandoned. And since I had this whole conversation in a writing group about AI, now my OCD is gnawing at me and I keep being afraid people will think my work is AI generated. I was a digital artist when digital art was new and everyone hated on digital artists. Now digital is just another media that people have no issue with. But, now digital artists are always being accused of using AI. It's easy to lob that accusation at a digital artist because there is no physical media to prove it. Yes, digital images can be printed. But it's not like a painting on canvas where someone can just hold it up and be like, "Yea, AI didn't paint this." When I showed my tentative book cover in a writing group, the first comment was someone scolding me for using AI instead of paying a real artist. And it wasn't just "Hey is that AI generated?" I mean, this person was brutal. They just raged at me for paragraphs about how I'm stealing from real artists, etc. So, now digital artists have gotten through the time when everyone hated us because we "don't have any real skills and ar jsut pixel pushers!" And now we have to deal with, "Omg!!!! That's AI!" So, my OCD just can't let this rest. Lately I just keep thinking about that. Like, are people going to think my writing isn't actually my writing? I talked to W about this (my editor) and he told me he can tell my work is not AI generated. But as an editor he is more in tune with people's writing style, etc. So, him saying that did make me feel better in the moment, but there's no shutting up the OCD demon. I don't know why I don't just learn to keep my mouth shut online. The fact that I use ChatGPT for quick critiques and sometimes to organize my thoughts and brainstorm means I'm a failure and not a real writer, according to some. It was actually W who suggested I use it for those things. And I've been honest about it from the getgo. Lot's of authors are using it the same way I do and not being honest. I've wasted a lot of time over the last week or two putting chapters of Needles through AI checkers. And even though everything comes back as human text, I still can't shake the fear that someone will accuse me of generating my work and I won't be able to prove that I didn't. It's such a rough time to be an author. And the writing community is toxic AF. I am part of one really awesome critique group on Reddit, and there are so many brilliant people there who don't beat each other down and who actually support each other. Groups like that are rare. The conversation I'm talking about happened in another group I'm not active on. I do read things there though and this was one of the rare occasions I decided to chime in. And when I tried to reason with this person by saying my editor suggested this, well then of course I'm a liar, or I'm just too stupid to realize my editor was just messing with me. Well, the whole conversation with W happened via email, so I can go back and re-read exactly what he said. This person actually wanted me to screenshot the emails, but I refused because I shouldn't have to show my emails with someone just to prove I'm telling the truth. It's not like I'm on trial for murder. This is a random person on the internet. And this random person has probably never published anything because they're too busy sitting around talking trash online. (And yes, I'm well aware that I haven't either, except for when I had that one story published when I was 12.) Oddly enough, I just discovered that one of the personal trainers at work uses GPT to write workout plans for people. I only know this because I had to do a training module on my bosses computer last night. Everyone who works there uses his computer for various things, before everyone starts questioning why I was using my bosses computer. And his computer was never shut down yesterday and the trainer who used it last left everything open. Well, I moved the mouse and there's a big browser window open where a trainer was using GPT to write up a workout plan for someone. I don't judge her for this. I'm sure she does that because she would rather be out on the floor actually training people instead of sitting at a desk writing out what she wants her clients to do. And I'm sure my boss knows because she uses his computer. A lot of people are pissed off because they fear the unknown and anger helps them compartmentalize fear. Maybe it's because I'm so into futurism, but I think the whole evolution of AI is really fascinating. I know there have been two entries about this back to back. But lately it's been on my mind a lot. I've always seen it as a tool. As long as it's not writing for me, I've always considered what I do as fine. But a lot of other people in the creative community disagree. But also, there was a time when people who used spellcheck and grammar editing software were hated on because that's cheating. There was a time when if a photographer used Photoshop he was a hack because that's cheating, etc. In other news... D and his husband are separating. I really hope he can get through this and keep his sanity. And I hope he can find a place to live with all his animals. Having to get rid of any of them would devastate him.

So, apparently in some writing communities online, there is a special circle of Hell reserved just for people like me who think ChatGPT is useful. Before anyone asks, (even though this should be a given) No, it doesn't write for me. But I have used it for research, as a critique helper, a brainstorming tool, and for simple entertainment. (In other words, sometimes when I'm bored or whatever, I just start messing around and giving it weird prompts, like, "What if there was an octopus who's also a serial killer?" "What if there was a guy who was in love with a cockroach?" "What would happen if an elephant took PCP?" Etc. But I guess to some people that's a big nono and all of this means I'm not a "real writer." Because you know, "real writers" don't need AI to help them. I talked to my editor about this and he told me the actual real writers and artists of the world aren't threatened by AI. And anyone with common sense uses what tools are available to them when they are available. Adopt, adapt, or atrophy. The technology is here, whether we want it not. And it's not going away. I'm fully aware there are people using GPT to write whole novels and then throwing them up on Amazon to make money. I don't agree with that. But there's also no regulations against it. I personally wouldn't do it. But I'm not going to sit around stewing in anger because someone else did it. It's not my problem. I have more important things to devote my energy to. (Like writing my own book.) I can see people being pissed because this is taking attention away from human writers. But, if someone is good enough, they will always have an audience. If someone likes a book written by AI, so what? People are allowed to like what they like. I don't think books written by AI can compete with books written by humans. At least, not right now. But give it time, and AI will be able to out-write us. It sucks. But it's going to get to that point. That doesn't mean there still won't be a place for the human author. If AI is out there writing a lot of bestsellers, there's still nothing stopping human beings from writing bestsellers, too. Same thing with AI art. Some of the AI art that's out there is amazing. But that doesn't mean human artists can't still be artists. I know MidJourney can never replicate my work. So, if someone really wants my work, they can only get it from me. And that's why I'm not threatened. I do love to play with MidJourney, though. It's fun. When my nephew used to come over, we would always make art with MJ. I would let him type in whatever he wanted. Some people act like if you're a creative person and you're not just completely disgusted and appalled by AI, then you're part of the problem. I just don't see it that way. AI use is on a spectrum like everything else. There's a huge difference between using it as a tool and using it as a crutch.

Omg... chapter 39. Chapter 39. CHAPTER 39!!!! Holy hell... I've known the events of chapter 39 would happen since about chapter 4. But knowing that didn't make it easy to write. This was easily the most emotionally charged bit of fiction I've ever written. It's 11 pages, about 4k words. I worked on it all weekend. I just finished it and I was shaking when it was done, and crying my eyes out. For one, trying to get inside the head of a character who has done awful things, took a bigger toll on me than I expected it would. I know I"m not my character. But writing from the perspective of a monster was eerie and unsettling. I guess I'm going to have to flex those muscles a little more if I want to write a whole novel with a Machiavellian main character. To write a whole passage where this character is sitting in prison justifying to himself why he had sex with a 15 year old... etc. It was just appalling to write and I felt like I needed a scalding shower after. If anyone is wondering, the sex with the 15 year old happens off page. Like, I didn't write scenes of that happening. It's just eluded to. But then when he's in prison later on (for dealing, not for statutory rape) he spends a lot of time sitting in his cell thinking about it. I don't get detailed in his thoughts either. But he is talking about how he couldn't help who he fell in love with, etc. And at one point (this was the scene that really got me... I didn't expect it would trigger such a reaction out of me) he writes a letter to his victim, explaining how he stole their childhood, etc. He tells his victim he doesn't want them to think he's a monster, etc. I'm not going to sit here and say none of this is inspired by my life, to some degree. My abuser wrote me a letter from prison apologizing. I forgave him, and I appreciate that he actually had some semblance of remorse. He was molested as a kid too. That doesn't excuse it. But abused people turn into abusers pretty often. So, while there is no excuse, the fact that someone did it to him too makes him seem a touch more sympathetic in my eyes. I know that's awful. I know people are probably reading this thinking I'm nuts. And I am a little nuts, I won my nuttiness, lol. But the fact that someone did it to him, too. Idk... I am at least able to see that he was also a victim. He just didn't process his victimhood. He also grew up in a time when seeking any kind of professional help was taboo, especially for me. It still is, not as bad but there's still a stigma associated with mental health issues, and especially with men going to therapy, etc. He was a phenomenal artist. And he was really funny. He could have been so much more than a drunk and a ephebophilie. People are probably wanting to know why I didn't call him a pedophile. Well, because that's not actually correct. Pedophilia involves prepubescent children, not teenagers. And I actually had it a little easier in regards to what he actually did to me. He had sex with both of my sisters when they were teenagers. He never had sex with me. I guess being the ugly daughter worked to my advantage there. Ok... well here's the most chill song ever after a really heavy bit of word vomit. I didn't seek this song out. It just came on. The universe is attempting to make me feel better. 🙂