Why Be a Couple and Free?

Excerpted from
How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free
By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

Why did you pick up this book? Are you intrigued to think it is possible to be a couple and still be free?

How can you be true to yourself and true to your partner at the same time? If you honor yourself, will your partner leave? Can you and your partner have a loving, committed relationship without compromising - without each of you giving up some of who you are and what you need? Is commitment a kind of bondage? Isn't it selfish to insist on having what you want? Doesn't true love mean that you joyfully give everything to your beloved? Does having freedom mean having affairs?

You are not alone in your questioning. Most of the people who come to us for help with their intimate relationships are struggling with questions like these. If you are competing to find satisfaction in your intimate relationships (like many couples we have worked with), you may be struggling with your partner while searching for a way to be happy together:

. You may have experienced a sequence of relationships that were destructive and didn't work.

. You may be with someone new and fear you will repeat old, painful patterns.

. You may have a basically good relationship with some specific problems (such as financial struggles, disagreements about parenting, sex, housework or time schedules) that you can't find a satisfactory solution for, or:

. You may fight all the time unable to resolve even minor family problems or conflicts without a painful and exasperating struggle, which leaves one or both of you feeling hurt, angry, resentful, deprived, cheated, or frustrated.

These are common couple problems. Sustaining a long-term intimate relationship with a partner is difficult. If you have had experiences like these, you may believe that you have to choose between taking a stand for yourself and having a committed relationship - you can't have both at the same time.

We have found that you most certainly can have both. Not only can you have both, but when you feel free to speak up and say what you want, confident that you will be heard and confident that your partner will work with you to find a solution, the love will flow more easily between you. That is the purpose of this book.

This New Expanded Edition

In 1980, when How to be a Couple and Still be Free was first published, it introduced a radical concept. Cooperation instead of compromise or competition. When one or both partners compromise needs on behalf of one another, it invariably leads to a troubled relationship. One partner becomes a resentful caretaker, while the other feels oppressed and belittled. One will be alert to the moods of the other - often walking on eggshells not to upset the other. one will threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. one wants more together time and the other wants more space - and neither is satisfied with the compromise. Compromises and self-abandonments like these lead to resentment, hurt and power struggles.

When a couple struggles, the flow of love between them can be blocked - even when they truly love one another. On the other hand, a couple who have the tools to negotiate and who are committed to equality and mutual satisfaction are far more likely to create love and partnership they deeply treasure.

In the twenty years since the book was first published, we have developed many tools and techniques couples can use to create cooperation and freedom. We have expanded this edition to include many step-by-step instructions and guidelines, and we've added the Negotiation Tree, a tool that can help you turn any struggle into a cooperative problem solving session. Through the addition of these components, we have created a manual you can use to create or restructure your current relationship into a free couple partnership.

Couples and Freedom

Because we aren't talking about having affairs or "playing the field" when we use the word "freedom", and we aren't thinking of any lack of commitment to each other when we say "couple" it is necessary to define both terms. Since these are the terms that attracted you to this book, we invite you to check our definition against your own. Knowing what they mean to you will better enable you to create the kind of relationship that fits exactly who you are.

What We Mean by Couple

As a Newsweek special report put it, "The American family does not exist. Rather, we are creating many American families, of diverse styles and shapes. In unprecedented numbers, our families are unalike. We have fathers working while mothers keep house, fathers and mothers both working away from home; single parents; second marriages bringing children together from unrelated backgrounds; childless couples; unmarried couples, with and without children; Gay and Lesbian parents. We are living through a period of historic change in American Family life." The trouble is, that many relationship books offer patterns and role models based on this nonexistent "American Family" and do not adequately consider these other kinds of relationships, or not recognize the changes that have taken place.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is designed to help you create a relationship that is suitable for you, whether your relationship is gay or straight, traditionally monogamous, or non-traditional, such as an open relationship, group marriage, bi-coastal, two-career relationship, or committed- living- separately relationship.

More people are choosing not to marry, or not to stay married today. Instead, they are redefining couple relationships in many ways. There are many possible variations of satisfying relationships, and this book is about creating the kind of relationship that satisfies you and your partner, whether you are married or not. Therefore, we offer a broad definition of "couple" so that you and your partner can use the tools here to develop your own mutually satisfying definition, which is specific to your individual relationship.

We define a couple as two people who are committed to being with each other more intensely and/or more often than with others. This usually implies a degree of love and intimate contact. It could be a dating relationship, living together, married or not married. it could be a deep intimate and sexual commitment, sexually exclusive or not. Our intent is to help you and your partner develop a relationship that is mutually satisfying, by your own, unique and specific definition. With specific, step-by -step techniques and guidelines, this book will teach you the negotiation and communication tools and skills you can use to create a relationship that ensures that both of you get what you want. In short, a relationship that is secure and committed, but within which you both feel free.

What We Mean by Freedom

By its very nature, freedom is defined differently by each individual. Each person has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as other needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Individual people define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted, others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

Understanding these components of freedom requires self-knowledge. To know what you need, you must focus on your self, see yourself as clearly as possible and accept what you find there. Knowing what you want and what you feel are skills essential to creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship.

In this book, you'll find specific exercises designed to help you clarify what you want and feel, to create a personal definition of freedom and to communicate that to your partner. By learning and using these techniques, you'll create a mutual understanding and cooperation in helping each other get exactly what you want.

Whether your reasons for wanting to be a couple are romantic or pragmatic, social or cultural, based on passion or a need to create a healthier family than you grew up in, a desire to have children, simple loneliness, or a spiritual or "soul mate" connection - it is important to you, and we want to help you create it as you see it.

The Desire for Intimacy

Most couples are drawn to enter relationships because of the possibility of intimacy. Intimacy, or lack of it, is also what creates most of the struggle in relationships. Creating a satisfying couple relationship means meeting the individual intimacy needs of each partner.

You need intimacy just as you need food and shelter. Just like the other basic needs, no one needs intimacy all the time and some people need more than others. It is possible to be intimate without being a couple - but, the development of emotional closeness over time, and the easy availability of physical closeness make couple relationships the ideal opportunity for intimate contact:.

It takes less energy and decision-making to have intimacy in a couple relationship because it doesn't take much planning to get together. Friends, family and the culture support and endorse your togetherness. When things go well, the teamwork of partnership (common goals, successfully solving daily problems and doing chores together) creates a feeling of mutuality and appreciation that enhances your closeness. In a couple relationship, intimacy can become a constant and free you to focus on other areas of your lives.

In a healthy relationship, intimacy grows with time. Two people who have been together for twenty years can have a deeper connection than they did when they were only dating for three months. Time together doesn't guarantee intimacy, but it does create an opportunity for intimacy to grow. It takes time to know and trust each other. As trust builds, you open yourselves. Over the months (or years) you reveal yourselves. If you nurture your closeness through the years of each partner's personal growth and changes, you will know more about each other than anyone else and your contact will be deep indeed.

Once you learn the communication and problem solving skills in this book, you'll know how to create the kind of teamwork and mutual benefit that supports the growth of intimacy and satisfaction - a relationship of equal partnership and autonomous cooperation.

Cooperative Problem Solving

Most people don't believe that it is possible for a couple to be so adept at solving problems together so both of them are fully satisfied. They believe that you can have either intimacy or freedom - that is, you can have what you want; or you can be close. They see couple relationships as an extension of other types of competition. Because this competitive attitude is so ingrained in each of us, it usually takes a shift in belief and a lot of practice to learn how to do stop fighting, arguing and insisting you are right or to stop being afraid you won't get what you want.

The Free Couple

Free couples embody five qualities: 1) love easily expressed, 2) mutual respect, 3) a sense of equal power in the relationship, 4) the willingness and ability to express desires, needs, satisfactions, and 5) the willingness and ability to resolve conflicts cooperatively - without power plays, manipulation and unsatisfying compromises.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will teach you to work together to create whatever kind of relationship you want, free from the restrictive patterns of your parents, your past experience, and social pressures.

When you and your partner know how to cooperate to solve problems and resolve differences, you can freely express your desires, needs, and satisfactions. You can share your worries and your joy without fear of being manipulated by them. You both feel equally empowered. You can say what you want, knowing you will work together to make it happen. When you experience and express mutual respect, love flows more easily between you. You are equal partners. Equal. Partners. You understand how to cooperate to create a truly satisfying life - as two free individuals working together. You can be a couple and still be free.

Emphasizing Function Rather Than Dysfunction

Many books have been written about relationship problems - with an emphasis on dysfunctional, codependent relationships, compulsive or obsessive love, domestic violence and sexual molestation. These books focus on the emotional and psychological (and often physical) damage these relationships cause, how to recognize them and how to free oneself from them. Simply recognizing, describing and suggesting ways to end this has been an enormous task.

All of these books focus on unsatisfying or unhealthy relationship patterns and how to recognize and overcome them. Little is said about how to create and sustain a healthy, functional, non-codependent relationship. You may be very familiar with the frustration of being told how not to do it, but not really ever understanding what to do instead.

So, if you're asking "What is a healthy, functional, relationship and how do we get one?" How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is designed to answer your questions and teach you (either individually or together with your partner) how to create and sustain a fully functioning partnership between equals.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is a manual that provides intimate partners with a proven, step by step guide for working together as a team to overcome negative relationship patterns and master the positive new skills you'll need to know to create a successful, satisfying and sustainable relationship that fulfills both your individual needs. It has been used and recommended by many therapists to help couples in therapy.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is a guideline for transforming an unsatisfying relationship into a loving, sustainable, healthy, partnership between equals who support each other and work together cooperatively to ensure that each partner gets what he or she wants. We call this equal, mutually supportive partnership a Free Couple relationship.

The central idea of this book is a method for Cooperative Problem Solving which involves both of you working together as a team. Through this process, any problems, difficulties, obstacles, differences or struggles that arise can be identified, negotiated and solved to the mutual satisfaction of you and your partner.

This book will lead you, individually and together, through a series of carefully planned exercises designed to help you develop the skills (such as problem-solving, cooperation, clear communication and teamwork) that will enable you to use the Cooperative Problem Solving process to build and sustain a healthy relationship.

In How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free you will learn how to work together smoothly to solve the very problems which created competition, pain and struggle between you and your partner in the past and build teamwork and cooperation where you previously had fighting, frustration and despair. Your problems are probably solvable; relationship problems feel overwhelming and difficult only if the partners involved lack the skills they need to solve them.

The basis of this approach is "the Negotiation Tree" - a step-by step guide to working smoothly together to solve all the problems and disputes partners can encounter in the course of a relationship. It will guide you safely through the five steps of solving any problem and help the two of you reach a solution that is wholly and non-competitively satisfying to both of you.

This book will introduce you to a relationship of equality:

. Designed to meet your unique needs as individuals and as a couple,

. In which both partners feel equally important, equally powerful, equally free to express their wants and needs,

. In which both partners work together, to find a mutually satisfactory way to get what both of you want every single time,

. In which you support each other in making sure you both are satisfied in the relationship,

. Which contains far less conflict, frustration, anger, and fewer arguments, disputes, and feelings of deprivation than most couples experience, and

. Which is easy to sustain because you both learn how to get what you want from it all the time!

How The Book Is Organized

The first chapter, "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free", explains what an intimate partnership between equals is, why it works so well, and how you can achieve it. Also, Cooperative Problem Solving is introduced and explained, as well as the Negotiation Tree, a step by step guide that you can use to help yourself through the Cooperative Problem Solving process much the same way we help our clients, by outlining and guiding you through the five steps of the process, referring you back to the proper information and exercises whenever you have difficulty, and helping you to know when you are ready to go on to the next step.

The next five chapters correspond to the steps of the Negotiation Tree: Chapter Two: "Define and Communicate the Problem", Chapter Three: "Agree to Negotiate", Chapter Four: "Set the Stage" Chapter Five: "State and Explore Wants", and Chapter Six: "Explore Your Options and Decide."

These chapters explain each step, why it is important, what happens if you don't cover that step in negotiating, and the problems you may encounter in that step, and gives information, exercises and guidelines that teach you skills for overcoming each problem as it arises. All these chapters present examples of couples engaged in negotiating to demonstrate how your new skills will work. Each exercise builds on what you learned in previous exercises, so your familiarity with and competence at the skills of Cooperative Problem Solving increases as you go along.

The last chapter, "The Free Couple", outlines ideas for using Cooperative Problem Solving and the Negotiation Tree to improve various aspects of your relationship, and thus, over a period of time, transform it into a relationship that is wholly satisfying to both of you, which will enhance your pleasure in being together and make your relationship easy to sustain.

Using The Exercises

We recommend you begin by reading this book through in its entirety to gain an overview of the stages of the Negotiation Tree and the relationship skills that accompany them. You may be tempted to begin right away by using the Negotiation Tree to solve a problem you are having, but if you do, you could find yourself feeling lost and frustrated because, without reading the rest of the book, you might not have enough understanding of what is meant by many of the suggestions and steps of the Negotiation Tree.

The exercises in this book are designed to teach every skill needed for and explore every barrier to achieving a healthy relationship. The exercises build on each other, with the later exercises drawing on skills you learned in prior ones. Each exercise is prefaced with a complete explanation of what it is designed to teach, and when it might be needed in your relationship. Step-by-step instructions help make the exercises easy to follow and easy to do.

Because of the sequential nature of the exercises, and because you will be building on the skills you learned in the earlier exercises, you will probably find that the skills you learn are easy to remember when you are involved in negotiation or interaction within your relationship.

Each exercise will give you criteria for determining when you have mastered each skill, or deciding when you still need more practice. If you find you need help with certain skills, or you need help at a particular point in your negotiation, the Tree will refer you to the proper exercises and examples. At any time, you can pause in your negotiation long enough to go through a needed exercise, to help you overcome any difficulty or confusion you're having, and then return to the Negotiation tree for the next step.

If you have read other self-help books, had couples' therapy, or participated in workshops, some of the skills presented here may already be familiar to you, and you may go on to those that are less familiar or more needed. We have included exercises you can do on your own, and exercises you can do with your partner. We recommend you do the exercises in the order they are presented because they build on each other, and they follow the Cooperative Problem Solving process. The exercises themselves will refer you to other related exercises that might be helpful. We have written this in the sequence we feel will meet the needs of the broadest number of readers, but each couple has individual negotiating strengths and weaknesses, and the Negotiation Tree will help you adapt the guidelines and exercises to your own unique situation. Experiment with the Negotiation Tree, and as you use it, you will see which techniques you and your partner most need, and which guidelines are most helpful.

The Negotiation Tree is a "negotiating road map" to the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving. Once you feel you understand the steps of the Negotiation Tree, the book will guide you to try using it on a simple "practice" problem. You will both be astonished to discover how easy it is to use and that you both can find a solution in which you both get what you want!

By the time you have mastered all the skills and exercises taught here, you will have a full set of "tools" that will enable you to fix any problems that may arise in your relationship, before you and your partner are so frustrated and angry that your problem becomes too big to handle.

By reading this book, doing the exercises and following the Negotiation Tree, you will give yourself the best possible chance of creating a relationship you can both enjoy, feel proud to share, and in which you will feel comforted and supported.

We invite you to open the following pages and begin building your Free Couple Relationship.

How to Be a Couple And Still Be Free

In fifteen years of working with couples in private therapy and workshops, we have found that no matter how unsolvable a problem seems to the couple presenting it, when we help them apply Cooperative Problem Solving a solution can always be found. Even when people presented the problem that had caused a previous divorce or breakup, we could find at least one solution acceptable to both of them by using the Negotiation Tree. As experts in problem solving, we knew how to help each couple explore all the underlying wants, break free from old, problem-creating behaviors and eliminate the false limitations they had placed on the problem.

We have found, repeatedly, that most of the trouble in between intimate partners happens because they don't know how to work together to solve problems. The frustration, resentment, anger, disappointment and despair these couples feel almost always stems from not being able to get what they want from the relationship and from each other. Whether their fights are about money, sex, affection, time, infidelity, in-laws, raising children, housekeeping, or other problems, their inability to reach a mutually agreeable or satisfying solution keeps them repeating the same old arguments, without any resolution, or keeps them locked in habitual ways of relating that they think they "should" do, but that create dissatisfaction and struggle between them.

As therapists, we spend much of the time teaching couples the skills they need (communication, cooperation, knowing and saying what they want, overcoming destructive habits, breaking out of rigid patterns that don't work, counteracting "shoulds", and creating new ideas) to solve problems together successfully, and teaching them how to work together as a team rather than struggle against each other. We also spend time guiding people through the process of problem solving, to keep them on the track and prevent them from sliding back into their old habits.

If you are like most of these people you have probably entered relationships madly in love, convinced that your feelings for each other were so strong that they would carry you through into a free couple relationship in which, as partners you would:

. Give and take equally, with each partner feeling equally responsible and equally rewarded by the relationship.

. Be committed to mutual satisfaction - if one of you is not happy, the other really wants to solve the problem.

. Face problems rather than avoiding them, confidant that you have a range of proven technique and skills to resolve any disagreements, struggles and conflicts that occur.

. Seldom have to compromise, because you work together so that both of you get what you want.

. Feel like a team, working together to maximize your power, instead of competing, and undercutting your collective efforts.

. Treat each other's feelings, wants and needs as important.

. Share thoughts and feelings freely, knowing that positive interaction ads energy to the relationship, and negative thoughts and feelings indicate a problem, which you are confident you can solve together.

. Encourage each other and recognize you need excitement as well as comfort and security.

. Feel comfortable, satisfied and stimulated, so you have little incentive to seek out others or begin again with a new relationship.

. Have confidence that your relationship will last, because problems are solved as they arise, and not allowed to persist and linger until they breed resentment.

But, your past relationships failed to live up to these dreams, because after a short time, your relationship ran into problems, which you did not know how to handle, like Carol and Joe.

Carol and Joe

Carol and Joe were sweethearts in high school, and married young, with the support of both families, and a big celebration with all their friends. They had a "dream relationship" and high hopes for happiness. Now 35, and a working wife, Carol has spent most of her adult life taking care of others - especially Joe, but feels unworthy of receiving attention, and doesn't realize that it is equally important to take care of herself. Meanwhile Joe, a 38-year-old blue-collar worker, has trouble showing affection, and since he isn't demonstrative and supportive toward Carol, she feels depleted and unresponsive toward him. It doesn't take long for them both to feel deprived and neglected, and their relationship becomes an unsustainable situation. Neither of them can sustain their good feelings toward each other when they feel so deprived, yet both, being insecure, feel that the survival of their relationship depends upon maintaining their roles.

Like Carol and Joe, you may have had relationships that frequently felt more like nightmares than dreams. You may have found yourself and your partner struggling with individual wants and needs that differ. Because you didn't know how to work together effectively to solve the conflict, the resulting frustration, anger and battles made the relationships more and more unpleasant and difficult to sustain.

The fact is most relationships we can observe - our parents, our friends, movies, and TV - aren't working very well. They seem to be full of struggle, pain, boredom and fraught with problems:

. one partner gives and the other takes,

. one is an addict, alcoholic or gambler and the other pays the price,

. one partner overpowers, coerces, defrauds, deceives, or takes advantage of the other,

. they both follow rigid roles that seem to alter or stifle their personalities,

. one gives up a career to support a spouse who succeeds, then leaves,

. both partners seem filled with anger, contempt, hostility, or hatred of the other,

. both compromise their needs for the survival of the marriage,

. they both withhold their true thoughts and feelings because "it would hurt my partner", and feel dissatisfied,

. one or both are numb, depressed, or detached, and they are partners only in that they cohabit, or they stay together "for the children" or because they feel they "have to",

. the romance is gone and there is no vitality,

. their sexual needs and differences seem to conflict, creating emotional suffering for both, or,

. one or both have affairs to fill a missing ingredient in their partnership.

Contrary to what you may have seen in your own relationships and others, struggles like this are not inevitable. There is hope. Cooperative Problem Solving (and the Negotiation Tree) can help you learn to work out mutually satisfactory solutions to problems like these, by working together to ensure each other's satisfaction. If the problem is too severe or long-standing to be solved by mutual discussion, the tree will direct you to seek help, while simultaneously showing you how to make room in the relationship for individual differences, preferences and tastes.

You can have a successful free couple relationship even when either of you or both of you still have some personal emotional problems that are unresolved. Working together, you can help each other overcome individual problems, (whether they are emotional, from past history, work-related or stem from some other part of your separate lives) and you can make enough room in your relationship that your moods and personalities can co-exist without undue struggle. As you develop more mutuality and cooperation, your sense of inner equality will grow and further enhance your relationship, in an ever - increasing spiral.

Cooperative Problem Solving offers you an easy- to- follow, effective, non-competitive method to help you work together to:

. recognize and solve problems in your relationship, whether you've been together for a long time, or you are a newly committed couple.

. keep your individual problems from creating partnership problems,

. solve each other's individual problems to your mutual satisfaction.

. solve your relationship problems to your mutual satisfaction.

. review the interaction in your past relationships to learn what went wrong, identify behavior and beliefs that got in your way before, and correct them.

. identify old relationship patterns that were dysfunctional, addictive or abusive, and to develop healthy interaction.

. discuss changing or conflicting individual moods and feelings, or different needs for intimacy, and find ways to accommodate them.

. identify and examine the "traditional relationship" models to see what aspects of them are relevant to your partnership, and what you need to change.

. develop a model for partnership, no matter what your style, orientation, or preference, that works for you and your mate, and

. learn the skills you need to be whole, healthy, independent individuals who have satisfying, loving intimacy as equal partners.

Decision Making

It Takes Equals to Solve Problems

There is a pervasive myth that somehow happy couples just agree on everything automatically all the time. Because we believe this myth, we enter relationships convinced that whatever problems or differences we have with our partners will be easy to solve. But, in reality, the individuals who make up a partnership will disagree frequently, and often struggle over even minor issues.

In the course of building and sustaining a lifetime relationship, we are bound to encounter many problems. Our different backgrounds and experience, our individual perception of each other and events, our unequal rates of education and growth, our individual needs for self-expression and contact, and our differing values and beliefs about relationships complicate and often block our attempts at Cooperative Problem Solving together. Complicating all this is the fact that models of healthy, effective problem solving between partners in a relationship have been rare to non-existent. For centuries, the accepted models for intimate, business and political relationships were patriarchal and authoritarian with a parental "boss" (usually male) in charge who made all the critical decisions and passed them down to subordinates (often female) who accomplished them without question.

Although competition may work in business, relationship models based on the idea that one person must lead and the other follow, or one "win" and the other "lose" become power struggles, where the partners fight bitterly when they disagree. They struggle to be in control, or avoid disagreements altogether because they felt it wasn't worth the struggle, or they wouldn't win anyway. Hence they spend a lot of their time either fighting for what they want or feeling deprived. You may have witnessed your parents, friends or neighbors interacting in this way, because in the past, relationships like these have been the norm.

Competition

The belief that someone has to "win" in a relationship encourages us to compete rather than to cooperate. As children, when the teacher favors a brighter student, or a sister who is more aggressive gets to decide the game we'll play we learn that if we aren't the best, don't fight hard, or manipulate we don't get what we want. This leads us to either fight to win, or give up.

Partners try to "win", because they believe in competition, where only one person gets what they want. Most of us are used to competing for jobs, sports, dates, and we even compete with ourselves, to see if we can outdo our previous efforts. When competition is stimulating, motivating and fun, it is healthy.

Between partners in intimate relationships, however, competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic, poisoning the relationship by turning us into adversaries, and undermining the mutual support and encouragement vital to becoming a free couple.

Fear of Difference

There is another reason we so often have difficulty resolving problems and conflicts with our intimate partners, handling them clumsily or even badly. In a relationship intimate enough that we feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, we experience a strong tendency to disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate we are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and we fear that we'll be rejected or disapproved of if we are different.

Problems Outside the Relationship

Sometimes relationship problems are only indirectly connected to your partnership: your car breaks down, your kids need to get to school, your boss is difficult to get along with. These issues become partnership problems because you bring their effects, big and small, home (into the relationship) with you. Anger at your unreasonable boss can quickly become a difficult evening with your partner if you bring your frustration home, are irritable, and the two of you wind up arguing unnecessarily.

While this feels unfair and inappropriate, in real life it happens frequently. A couple unskilled in working together to solve problems could easily become tangled in a web of blaming, hurt and anger and, after years of similar unresolved conflicts, can build a backlog of bitterness that can't be healed.

Problems Within the Relationship

Sometimes problems are directly related to your relationship: you fight about housework or money, you have conflicts over sex. One or both of you becomes hurt or angry. At these times, if you have no method for cooperative negotiation, the conflict and resulting negative feelings can easily escalate into a big problem or accumulate over time. When problems cause friction and never get resolved, they undermine an otherwise loving and viable partnership.

Struggling with your partner and believing you can't both have what you want prevents you from Cooperative Problem Solving. You may believe that you can't get what you want because you think:

. there isn't enough to go around,

. you don't deserve it as much as your partner,

. it will be taken away from you,

. if you get your way, your partner will go away or be angry,

. it isn't nice to say what you want.

When disagreements or difficulties arise, if you feel hopeless, panicked, angry or confused, you can't think clearly enough to solve the problem.

Effective Decision Making

Only recently have psychologists and sociologists begun to discuss the elements of effective decision making. Among other discoveries, they found that decision making (even in business) is more effective when everyone contributes their views of priorities, needs, wants, goals, and their thoughts about possible solutions. This cooperative approach means that both contribute their understanding to the problem (which often makes it clearer) and both feel involved in the process and committed to the success of the solution they agree upon.

If, up to now, you viewed negotiation in a relationship as a struggle or a hassle, an opportunity to be overpowered or cheated, you are not alone. Because we live in a competitive society, where a lot of emphasis is placed on winning or losing a conflict, it is difficult to realize that, when we are dealing with those we love, problems can be solved through cooperative teamwork, and that solutions can be reached where no one loses, and everyone benefits.

In this book you will learn an effective, proven model for resolving the difficulties you will inevitably experience as a couple in an intimate relationship. We call this approach Cooperative Problem Solving and you may find it almost revolutionary. In Cooperative Problem Solving, both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a decision involving them can negotiate so that both get what they want. The following chapters will help you learn all the highly effective decision making skills you need to solve each relationship problem as it arises. You will learn how to solve the problems of the past (I'm afraid we'll fight about money like my first wife and I did); the present (I don't think I'm getting a fair share of the housework) and the future (what will we do if I lose my job?). Instead of being a struggle or something to avoid, solving such problems will become an opportunity to re-affirm your mutual love and caring, and to strengthen your partnership and teamwork.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is essentially a step-by-step guide to help you learn how to move easily together through the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving, using the Negotiation Tree presented later in this chapter.

Problem Solving

Cooperation simply means working together as equals, focused on solving the problem in a way that satisfies both partners needs. Cooperative Problem Solving means you solve problems by working together as equals, rather than struggling with each other, so all of your emotional, mental, and creative energy can be focused on finding a solution, creatively exploring the problem, developing alternatives, putting your mutually chosen solutions into action, and solving the problem.

You may think that's a lot to promise, because the idea that both of you can work together to get all that both of you want every time runs counter to conventional wisdom and perhaps your own personal experience.

Experience and training leads all of us to believe in scarcity and competition. Because our world offers few examples of cooperation, and many examples of competition, winning, and losing, as couples we tend to approach problem solving in the same competitive way. When we want different things, we argue over which of us gets our way insisting on our being "right" or on making the other "wrong" in order to have our way. Or we just give up convinced it is not worth it or we can never win over our partner and feel restricted, deprived, hurt and angry. This is especially true in relationship problems. When things go wrong, it is easy to believe that there's not enough of what you want to go around.

Carol and Joe, for example, have a conflict. They both want the car for the evening. Because of their conflicting wants, they get anxious that there might not be enough transportation for the two of them, and begin arguing. Carol (after arguing for about 20 minutes about who needs or deserves the car more) gets angry enough to grab the keys and take the car, leaving Joe to find other transportation. Carol has "won" the car, but created a bigger relationship problem: Joe ends up feeling deprived and angry and Carol feels anxious and guilty. Because they are convinced there is no way both of them can have what they want, they get upset and fight, so neither of them considers an alternate solution, and someone has to do without transportation.

On the other hand, if Carol and Joe learn Cooperative Problem Solving, they will know how to work together as a team to reach a solution that is mutually satisfying. Confident that their goal is that both of them be content with the result, Carol and Joe will be much less likely to approach the transportation problem with a "win or lose" attitude, and both will find it much easier to be flexible, accepting and understanding of the other's position.

Using their new Cooperative Problem Solving skills, Carol and Joe focus on finding a way for both to get transportation for the evening, consider other options: Joe can get a ride with a neighbor, relative or friend, Carol can drop Joe off on her way, either can take a taxi, bus or a train, someone else may let them borrow a car, they can adjust their schedules so they don't need the car at the same time, or they might even decide to rent or buy another car. They can negotiate until they both are satisfied.

The negotiations you will learn in this book will not prove you're wrong and your partner is right, or vice versa, because the main purpose of cooperation is to avoid the competitive "win/lose" attitude that anyone has to be wrong. These negotiations are based on the belief that both of you right and deserve to have what you want.

Cooperative Problem Solving is a new way of looking at decision making, agreements, communication, power sharing, and solving problems - a way that you can use to replace the competitive interaction in your intimate relationship with teamwork and cooperation, and the fear that you will "lose" what you want with the confidence that both of you can be satisfied. At first, this cooperative approach may seem radically different and even foreign to you, but you will find it makes sense as it is presented in the Negotiation Tree, and is very effective. Like others who have used these ideas and exercises, you can create teamwork and equal partnership in your intimate relationship.

By following the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving, you will learn a method of resolving conflict based on better understanding each other's wants and needs, communicating clearly, developing new, creative options, making decisions, and reaching solutions that are completely satisfactory to both partners. Cooperative Problem Solving will help you master the basic attitudes and skills of cooperation at the same time as it helps you to solve your problems.

Cooperative Problem Solving also motivates you and your partner to participate equally and actively in resolving struggles because the goal of Cooperative Problem Solving is always to develop a solution that is completely satisfying to both of you. Cooperative Problem Solving minimizes confusion by teaching you specific options, such as how to clarify and communicate the problem, how to make sure your partner is equally involved, and what to do when your partner doesn't want to cooperate.

If you cooperate to solve problems when they arise, the experience of working together and caring about each other's wants (Joe and Carol mutually decide that Carol will drop Joe off, so they both have transportation) builds trust and goodwill between you. This feeling of trust, (the next negotiation about the car will be easier, and Carol and Joe will be more relaxed, because they cooperated this time) and confidence that you can successfully meet challenges together, creates a solid bond between you, and is the key to establishing a free couple relationship.

Cooperative Problem Solving will help you solve problems:

. When you know what you want, but you're not getting it.

. When you and your partner seriously disagree, over what you want or how to handle a problem.

. Each time you have a partnership decision to make, from buying a new car or house to deciding whose career move is most beneficial.

. If you know you're unhappy, but aren't sure what you want.

. If your partner is obviously unhappy and you don't know why.

As you read through the chapters and do the exercises, you and your partner will quickly see which negotiation problems arise most often for you, which skills you need to practice, and which attitudes have kept you stuck in your past relationship problems. As you practice the skills and follow the guidelines in the Negotiation Tree, you will overcome barriers, correct old, competitive attitudes, and develop new skills for communicating. Cooperative Problem Solving techniques will become easier and flow more as you use them.

Barriers And Skills

As you begin to learn and work with the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving you will learn many new skills, and probably encounter a number of difficulties that will tempt you to give up and abandon the process. We call the difficulties that arise the "barriers" to Cooperative Problem Solving, and each chapter outlines the typical barriers (such as: not knowing what you want, competing, inexperience and mistrust, confusion, lack of communication, not enough information, and unresolved anger) you are likely to encounter at each step of the process. Each chapter teaches you specific skills (such as: clarifying your wants, cooperation, reassurance, clear communication, research projects, and discharging old anger) designed to overcome these barriers. For each barrier that arises, the Negotiation Tree will teach you and your partner the skills you need:

a) to be aware of the possible barriers,

b) to anticipate them and minimize the problems they cause, and

c) to overcome the barriers you do encounter as you learn Cooperative Problem Solving.

Cooperation and the Free Couple Relationship

A free couple relationship is the long-range benefit of learning to problem-solve in this way. After you and your partner have used Cooperative Problem Solving to work together to resolve several problems in a totally satisfying way, you will begin to feel more secure about your teamwork, and therefore, your partnership. Knowing you can make agreements that both of you will keep, and that when problems arise you can work together to solve them, will build a deeper level of trust between you - trust that you can handle life's difficulties, problems and disagreements in a spirit of cooperation, trust that you both are willing to work for your mutual satisfaction, and trust that you really care about your mutual happiness.

The communication and negotiating skills that you develop by using the exercises and guidelines of the Negotiation Tree will overlap into the rest of your activities - at work, dealing with children, and relating to other family members and friends. You will discover that the same techniques that make it easier to work together with your partner also ease all other attempts at communication. When you learn how to present a problem clearly in a way that invites your partner to work on it with you, you will be able to use the same method to address a problem with coworkers. Conflicts resulting from misunderstandings will be rare and, when they do arise, far more easily resolved in all areas of your life.

Over time, this new way of relating as equals who work together can transform your relationship, as it did with Joe and Carol.

They realized through Cooperative Problem Solving that Joe needed to learn to take better care of himself and Carol, who knew how to care for Joe, was learning to be aware of her own needs. As they learned this new mutually caring attitude through solving simple problems such as who got the car, their way of being together changed. At first, Carol asked for more affection and help with the housework. Joe agreed and asked for help learning what she wanted so he could be warm and caring toward her, and to take more responsibility around the house.

As they negotiated successfully through a long series of small adjustments over a period of months, they also modified how they behaved toward each other. Joe learned to share his dissatisfaction with his work, and be more affectionate toward Carol, and Carol felt more responsive and generous to Joe as she learned get her own needs met. As a result of working together on these and other related issues, Joe was encouraged to get training for a new, more satisfying and better paying career, and Carol became more independent, and had more time and energy for her career. They learned to cooperate on housekeeping chores, until they became successful enough that they hired a housekeeper. Their mutual support and lack of struggle at home gave them an extra boost in their careers, both of which thrived as a result.

Couples who know from experience that they can successfully make decisions and feel mutually satisfied and enhanced by being with each other, do not doubt their relationship or their commitment. When a relationship goes well, the reasons for being in it are clear: Why would any one want to leave a relationship where they get what they want all the time? The Negotiation Tree can help you work together until you develop a habit of seeking mutually satisfying solutions to every problem that arises, so you can build this kind of solid, reliable free couple relationship.

Some people are afraid of commitment and deep caring, because they're trying to avoid the pain of the loss when it ends. Creating a free couple relationship is reassuring, because the ease of negotiation and the openness about wants mean there will not be any surprises. If one of you is unhappy, you will have the tools to talk about the problems, and most likely fix them.

Nothing can protect you from inevitable loss of your relationship someday. No matter how happy you are together, eventually one of you will probably survive the other. Where there is deep love, deep grief is unavoidable. We believe that being able to experience years of a deep, loving partnership that works is worth the pain of loss at the end.

[NOTE: begin Negotiation Tree on a fresh page, to make it easier for reader to use. Also, end it on a page by itself.]

Learning to Use The Negotiation Tree

Although the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving are simple, you will feel awkward when you are first beginning to learn to use them. Until you are thoroughly familiar with this new way of negotiating, there will be many occasions when you will not know what to do or will fall back into unhealthy old patterns like competing, arguing, not knowing what you want, misunderstanding each other, or feeling discouraged or confused. At such times you will need help in staying focused on Cooperative Problem Solving, or you may find that your negotiation winds up in argument and frustration rather than solving the problem.

To help ease you through such difficulty and speed you back on the right track, we have developed the Negotiation Tree on (page ___) a blue print for problem solving, or a road map that will help guide you, with tested and proven methods, through the problems of problem solving. You will want to refer to it often, so you may want to make a copy of it for easy reference.

Steps to Cooperative Problem Solving

As you can see on the Negotiation Tree, there are five main steps to Cooperative Problem Solving:

Step One: Define and Communicate the Problem. in which you learn to clearly define what is bothering you and communicate it to your partner in a way that will make it easy for them to hear, and encourage them to cooperate in solving it.

Step Two: Agree to Negotiate. in which you obtain your partner's agreement to work together cooperatively to solve the problem to your mutual satisfaction.

Step Three: Set the Stage. in which you create a relaxed, uninterrupted atmosphere conducive to working together calmly and effectively.

Step Four: State and Explore Wants. in which both of you discover what you want relative to the problem, and work to communicate your wants to each other.

Step Five: Explore Your Options and Decide: in which you learn to Brainstorm to create new, innovative ideas for solving the problem, until you have selected a mutually satisfactory solution, then confirm your solution to eliminate any possible confusion, and celebrate your success.

For each of the five steps the Negotiation Tree will ask you to carry out a part of Cooperative Problem Solving such as "define the problem", and then refer you to the section and page in the book that explains that step, so, if you don't remember what that step entails, or you get confused or "stuck" and need help, you can look up the description of that step. That section of the book will tell you, in detail, exactly what you must do to "define the problem".

Then, the Tree will ask you a yes or no question, such as "Is the problem clear to both of you?" and gives you two options (the possible answers to the question): yes or no. If the answer to the question is yes, you follow the instruction in the yes column, ("If yes, state problem, and proceed to step II"). If no, The Tree will tell you what to do: ("If no, do The Problem Indicator Inventory (page ___) until the problem is clear, and try again."). In this way, the Negotiation Tree will lead you, step by small step, through the negotiation process, and any time a step doesn't work (that is, you get a no answer) it will direct you to the page where you will find the appropriate exercise or guideline that you need at that moment to solve the problem cooperatively.

The Tree is a set of sequential instructions for Cooperative Problem Solving derived from a time-tested procedure. It points out each step in the procedure in sequence, with instructions and examples of what to do at each step, when to go on to the next step, and when to refer to the exercises and explanations in the book because a step is not complete. The Negotiation Tree is designed as a teacher for beginners and as a trouble shooting aid for more experienced negotiators. In this way, the Negotiation Tree leads you, safely and step by small step, through the entire process.

Problem Solving, How to Begin

We strongly recommend reading the book and doing the relevant exercises before using the Negotiation Tree, so that you will have a basic understanding of the terms, guidelines, and skills before you use them for the first time. Once you have familiarized yourselves with the tools taught here, whenever you need to solve something you can begin by following the Negotiation Tree, and allowing it to show you the most appropriate and needed exercises, guidelines, examples, and sections of the book for your situation. It becomes a road map for problem solving.

When you have read the book, done the exercises, and feel ready to try Cooperative Problem Solving, we recommend that you select a problem that seems simple and straightforward. A small problem that doesn't have an emotional charge and seems easy to resolve will give you a chance to learn the process. Try a problem that you normally just let one person decide without negotiation, such as which movie to see or where to eat, only this time agree not to compromise, and negotiate with the intent of both of you getting exactly what you want, through Cooperative Problem Solving. Because the Negotiation Tree helps you focus on creative, new ideas, you may find that you will go out dancing or to a play or concert instead of a movie, or pick up food from two different restaurants and rent a video, so each of you can have different things at the same time!

In the beginning, keeping the problem simple gives you a chance to learn how problem solving works. Problems like "What shall we do this weekend?" or "Who does the dishes tomorrow?" are more likely to be successful first-time experiences than emotionally laden problems ("We're not having enough sex") that have been longstanding and frustrating to either one or both of you.

Run through the process several times over the next few days, practicing with small problems. When you get stuck, use the Negotiation Tree as your guide to the relevant exercises and instructions. When negotiating small problems becomes easy, challenge yourselves by picking a slightly tougher problem to negotiate. If you've picked a problem that proves too tough, either break it down into several, simpler problems, or go to a different, easier problem for more practice, (as Suzie and Mike do in the following example) then come back to the tougher problem again.

When Suzie and Mike negotiate about spending money and find that there is not enough money for both to do what they want to do, they could struggle, argue or fight over who gets what they want. Instead, they realize that they have an opportunity to work together if they break their negotiation down further, from who gets to spend the money to negotiating over how to create more money.

As they work together to resolve their money problem, they might hidden resources, alternative and inexpensive ways to have what they want, and that their lack of money is temporary, a minor inconvenience, and begin to plan to create the extra money they need.

Negotiating is not difficult or painful, but in the beginning, learning a new skill can feel awkward and clumsy. Until you get as familiar with the process as Suzie and Mike are, you may occasionally get "stuck" or confused while experimenting. This is to be expected, and the Negotiation Tree will tell you what to do if this happens.

As you begin to experiment, you'll see the steps are simple and easy to understand, and a little experimentation will convince you that the process works. The only way you can fail at Cooperative Problem Solving is to quit before you learn all the essential skills this book teaches.

With a little practice, you'll find it soon becomes quite comfortable and easy. The goal of cooperation is to make negotiating a pleasant and successful process. In a relatively short time, it can become second nature to negotiate as a partnership; the success rate you will experience when you try cooperative negotiation will be very rewarding.

It is worth taking the extra time to learn this now, because once you become expert at Cooperative Problem Solving, it will make problems easy to solve for the rest of your life, and it will give you the confidence to try working together on problems you always thought were impossible to solve. After a few months, you'll be negotiating many aspects of your relationship, until it becomes fully satisfying, easily sustainable, and you both realize you have developed a free couple relationship.

From their experience of cooperative negotiating, free couples know the effectiveness of working together to solve problems and the good feeling of teamwork that enhances their good will and trust so they face every disagreement, struggle, problem or question with the belief that it can probably be solved in a mutually satisfactory way. They know that the only solution that will really work is a cooperative solution, because a competitive, win/lose solution will undermine their partnership.

This new approach to solving problems works precisely because it is so rewarding. When both of you have enough experience at Cooperative Problem Solving to realize that you can't lose, you will approach disagreements, problems and discussions with a new sense of confidence. You will soon see that each problem solving session adds new strength and resilience to your relationship, because it adds to your conviction that together you can work anything out successfully.

Once you learn the process, you will consider no problem solved until you both get exactly what you want. You will view each other as helpmates, team partners, who enhance and add to each other's ideas and options. The more problems you solve, the stronger your bond becomes.

If Your Partner Isn't Cooperating

Although ideally you and your partner will use the Negotiation Tree together, unlike most methods of improving your relationship, you can use the Negotiation Tree to learn better relating and communicating skills and solve relationship problems by yourself. There may be times when you understand Cooperative Problem Solving, are clear about the benefits, and your partner is suspicious, uninterested, unavailable or unwilling to try.

The idea of negotiating may sound intimidating and scary to your partner until you both try it, and he or she may be hesitant to cooperate at first, but we have provided for that contingency. The Negotiation Tree shows you exactly how to take the pressure off your partner and yourself, and make Cooperative Negotiation very inviting to your mate (Guidelines for Solving It Yourself, page ____).

One of the unique features of the Negotiation Tree is that it shows you how to be clear about what your problem is, communicate it more effectively to your partner, and persist in a way that increases the possibility of enlisting your partner in Cooperative Negotiation. By reading the book by yourself, even if your partner is uninterested so far, you can still learn Cooperative Problem Solving and how to make cooperation attractive and inviting to a partner. If your partner resists negotiating, the Negotiation Tree will direct you to the guidelines on Gentle Persistence, which will give you instructions for maximum effectiveness in inviting him or her to cooperate with you.

If you are reading this book on your own, begin with finding a simple problem, defining it so you understand it, and practicing how to state the problem clearly, Try Cooperative Problem Solving even though your partner doesn't know about it. Announce to your partner that you need some help with something, and then define the problem. Ask if your partner will help you to solve it, and negotiate with you. As the Negotiation Tree says, if you get a yes answer, proceed according to the tree. If you don't, solve the problem for yourself, but announce to your partner what your solution is, and that you're still open to negotiation if your partner is interested. This maximizes your partner's incentive to join in and work together with you. This will show your partner the benefit of getting to be part of the solution, even if they know nothing about Cooperative Problem Solving.

If Suzie keeps putting Mike off when he wants to talk about budgeting money, Mike can decide he's going to get a separate checking account so he can at least control his share of the money, and invite Suzie to discuss it with him if she has a different idea.

If You Are Single

If you are single, and preparing for a future relationship, you can use the Negotiation Tree to help solve your problem by learning to use Cooperative Problem Solving with friends and family. Knowing how to clearly communicate what's important to you, to accurately understand what a prospective partner wants and needs, and to be able to work out differences cooperatively will prepare you for the relationship you want, and help you achieve it smoothly and successfully. When you do find the partner you hope for, having these skills will enable both of you to develop a free couple relationship from the beginning.

After deciding on a simple, beginning problem, copy the Negotiation Tree (on pages ___) and begin with the first step, Define Your Problem, which is fully explained in the next chapter.