Tired Tiger's Story vs NC/LC

I'm pretty conflicted at the moment. I've read lots of differents threads from different websites to try and come to some sort of understanding shall we say.

There are boards which are strictly NC - don't succumb to any breadcrumbs whatsoever. Then I read Tired Tiger's story which is similar to mine.

I know that this breaking up process is about me and not him, although he was the one that ended the relationship after 4 years.

He is suffering from depression at the moment and started SSRI's a few weeks ago.

We split up end of December. He is going through an identity/don't-know-what-im-supposed-to-do-with-my-life crisis. He started university in Sept 2014 with a view that he chose the right degree (he's been in and out of part time retail jobs over the last 5 years). 3 weeks into the first semester, he realizes it's not what he wanted to do. He then proceeds to not go to any lectures and miss exams. He withdrew socially and has spent near on two months playing MMORPG games for upto 15 hours a day. He hates himself for failing and is udner enormous pressure from his family to get his life/career sorted. He is 27.

So bare in mind he is very depressed and very anxious about his life and is quitting university. He said he couldn't be in a r'ship right now because there is so much going on in his life and he couldnt give me the love i deserved. He withdrew a lot and I felt very very lonely (we didn't live together).

I am comfortable with not contacting him as I know he has a lot of s***t going on at the moment, so I don't contact him at all. He however contacts me at a rate of about once per week just asking how i am. The texts exchanged are brief and I make sure mine are closed-ended.

My ex is going through what Tired Tiger's parter was going through some years ago, and he learnt to let the love go and not play mind games/manipulation by completely ignoring her but letting her know he was ok and just gave her the space she needed.

I don't want to appear as bitter and just completely ignore him because we were eachother's best friend (he only has one other long term friend who lives 400 miles away from him). Plus, that would be playing mind games or being manipulative. If there should be any chance of reconciliation in the future (in 6+ months time at least), then I can't just completely sever him from my life as that would suggest he is completely done with.

For the 2nd week of NC from me, I decided to block him on my phone because to be honest, I didn't want to think it was him every time I received a text or a call. By doing this, it ever so slightly helped me to come to terms with the break up. I mean ever so slightly. Then I read a number of stories on here, especially Tired Tiger's and whilst I agree I should never initiate contact and concentrate on myself which is correct, I am not so sure if it is reaaallllyyy helping me. By blocking him on my phone, which is pretty drastic and is only replicating what my mum has done to me over the years (stone walling), I felt it was solving nothing. A week later I unblocked him and lo and behold I get a text that night asking how I am. Kept it very short and brief and told him to take care of himself and get better.

He is going through a major depression, isolating himself in his room in his student halls playing MMORPG games all day and night, has no friends (he found it difficult to make the friends he wanted because he was older - they were too young for him), and the only person he used to talk to about his problems/anxieties and concerns was me - every day. He is close to his mum, but I was literally his number one emotional support. For me to give him the middle finger and completely cut contact just feels a bit bitter and not really who I am.

I appreciate he is the one that ended the relationship and I get why he did (still f*****king hurt, went through the motions of desperation and sickness).

But then I will have moments of resentment because I don't want to be another one of his ex-girlfriends who keeps in touch with him. Whilst we were together, I was aware he would receive yearly emails from his first love (when he was 17 for 2 years - they were childhood sweethearts), and his previous ex before me (she was a model, and she would contact him every couples of months whilst we were together. He went out with her for 2 years before me and they had split up several months before we got together).

So, I don't want to be another one of his ex's who randomly contacts him every so often in the many years to come like they have. It's like he is having his cake and eating it (ego boost). He was very young when he dated them (17 and 19 respectively), and was a jerk to them, so he probably feels guilty for how things ended with both of them, thus the emails/texts he receives probably alleviate any guilt he has and also prob feeds his ego.

Our break up however, was situational. He is going through a very depressive period at the moment and I can see why he needs to get his sh**t together. Our relationship was very strong and I was very very close to his family.

I just don't know what's best. Just completely get rid and never see or speak to him for the rest of my life, or, be mature, respond very briefly to his texts, and maybe several months or a year down the line when he and I have personally grown, then maybe there's a chance.

I don't know.. Jeez.

Heya i can relate a lot to your story with my recent ex.

Was he clinically diagnosed as someone with depression. His lack of purpose and where he fits in life is common with depression and instead of fighting it and searching they regress into their shell and hide in a safe zone. Essentially running from life instead of embracing.

My question to you is i know that you had a connection but why are you considering to stay in someone with these tendencies life and potentially want to get back with them. People suffering with depression can lead healthy and long lasting relationships but it requires professional help and for both people have a firm grip and understanding on their depression.

People suffering with depression see themselves as a burden on people around them and think why would they want to suffer with me and they would be happier without me. It's a horrible illness that affects so many lives not just theirs.

You need to let him go find his own way and if you stay in his life it will just cause more pain for both sides. He needs to find his own way and can't rely on you for emotional support. You sound like a caring person like myself but what i soon realised was this was way bigger than me and our relationship and the kindest thing i could do was leave them alone. In that process it was kind of freeing for me to see that i wasn't at fault and had tried my best.

Also if you got back together what would happen if he became depressed again and started going down that road. He is likely to push you away again.

The only thing you can do is advise him to seek professional help and realise you can't live his life for him. If he wants to come back he will but you need to stop focusing on what he'll think and start focusing on yourself.

Hey, thanks so much for your response.

He was diagnosed with depression about two weeks ago. He went to see the doctor as he was displaying such symptoms, plus, he needed a doctors note for university (his absence of exams).

I do believe he is stuck between a rock and hard place. Realising he chose the wrong degree and knowing he will have to go back home to family pressures means that he obviously can't handle my feelings if he can't resolve his own. I get that. Obviously I'm deeply upset that he ended things but have to accept it. Tired Tiger's partner went through same thing as my ex boyfriend so he took the view of accepting things happen to people in life and sometimes they need to sort themselves out before they can really love.

I understood from Tired Tigers story that we can't expect our partners lives to go smoothly and there will be periods in their life where they feel so bad and unhappy with themselves, that we need to give others space. that goes for friendships too. Sometimes friends withdraw because they have met someone new or, they experience a bad thing in their life and some like to deal with the situation on their own. Sometimes I don hear from friends for months because there is stuff going on in their lives, but I don't and can't be angry with that. Same thought I believe applies to my ex.

I do believe I just should leave him be so hence why I don't contact him. He was so used to me being there for 4 years every hour of every day. That was just me being reliable and supportive.

Cutting him off completely, blocking him and and appearing like I'm being manipulative, I don't believe is the right impression to give - to anyone. makes me look very resentful and bitter. My mum (parents divorced when I was 8) has a habit over the years of stone walling me if we had a disagreement. It really flipping hurt. Sometimes I would see myself pulling the same behaviour with others and think 'Jesus, I'm turning into my mother , this isn't healthy to cut people off'. It's a defense mechanism because they are hurt. I get that. When she did it to me those times I just used to pull away.

I obviously don't want to live in hope everyday so I try not to. I don't check my phone every 5 mins and have no temptation to call him - I don't want to be rejected plus, I'm trying to respect his space so he can sort his problems out.

I adore him, and we ended on good terms. There were tears and kisses and hugs so it didn't end badly. It is open to reconciliation but I know that is not a consideration until he has found his path - that could be 6 months or 3 years down the road.

For the time being, I'm trying to build my life up again from scratch and do some introspection of my own. I've made very short term plans and actively try to keep distracted and level headed.

Thanks again

Sounds like you've got the right mindset to healing and becoming stronger for the experience.

What you've got to remember is yes life is tough and people go through all sorts of challenges and battles. In the end of the day all we really have is each other.

If he really loved you and wanted to spend a future with you then whatever he was trying to figure out or work on the fact he wanted to be with you wouldn't change.

People lose jobs, loved ones, there way in life but there commitment and love to their partner never changes.

He has decided to go down a different path and set you free so that you can find the person your meant to be with and that unfortunately isn't him.

If he didn't want to risk you moving on he would of never let you go. It came to the point that this was the only option he had

Keep your head up and heal up. No one knows what the future holds for us.

Look, the world is full of late 20s man-boys who would rather sit at home with no responsibility playing video games. They take a little sorti out into the real world and find that school/work is HARD and not constant fun and a life of ease. So they declare themselves depressed and retreat into a return to childhood (if people let them) and sit around playing video games while declaring the world doesn't understand them. Of course we understand them... life is HARD and they've found a way to avoid that and return to childhood to let someone else take care of them.

And he's jettisoning you because you've turned into a pain in the arse too because having a GF is a lot of responsibility and interferes with his full time MMORPGing. Having a GF is a big step into the adult world, and he's decided he doesn't want to be an adult and support himself and a GF. And he went to the doctor and moped around to get himself declared as depressed in order to get his parents to allow him to move back home and retreat into being a pre-teen/teen boy playing video games all day again.

Please don't waste too much sympathy on him. At 27, he should have already finished his education and been working in a career for years instead of making at false run at school then declaring himself depressed and retreating back into his mother's basement to play games all day. His mother is 'stonewallnig' him because she realizes she's got a really big problem on her hands, a lazy man-baby who wants to stay a kid and not grow up and live off of her.

So don't waste a lot of years on this guy. He could be in the basement for another 10 years having a good old time living like a teenager at his parent's behest. Meanwhile you think the doctors are going to 'fix' him when the reality is he is probably doing exactly what he wants to do and is in no hurry to get fixed because that means he has to go out into the un-fun adult world and work and earn a living which is a drag. He'll claim he wants a 'career', but meanwhile when he gets the opportunity to go to school to get one, he immediately declares, 'ummm, noto so fun, not what i had in mind, guess i'll go play some MMORPG while Mom cooks me some dinner.'

Here's what you do if you want an adult man and an adult relationship rather than trying to play his teen GF or his sympathetic shrink. You tell him, 'I understand if you feel your life needs to go in a different direction right now than me. But it is painful to be in this position of me wanting a relationship and you not wanting it. So what you should do now is focus on your therapy and healing and finding a career, and if you ever get back on your feet and want to talk about being my BF again, please call me and if I'm not involved with someone else we can talk about it. Otherwise I think it best not to try to be friends because that is too confusing/painful for me and I need time to heal and get over this breakup. So please feel free to call if you change your mind, but otherwise please respect my need to heal and don't contact me. Best of luck with your therapy and finding a career for yourself.'

Then you cut him off. You don't have to block him, but if he tries to contact you, immediately say, 'have you changed your mind and want to talk about getting back together?' if he says no, then you repeat what was said above, that you don't think you can be friends with an ex, and he needs to contact you only if he changes his mind and wants to date you again. So every time he contacts, you just keep repeating that. Eventually he'll get hte idea that you don't want to be his mother or his therapist or his sister.

I might be able to give you some unpopular perspective about NC/LC:

My ex broke up with me a month ago and gave some unconvincing reasons for his decision. I knew all along his life circumstances/general confusion about the future have more to do with it than any of the explanations he gave me. Long story short, neither of us could cut contact because we love and deeply care for each other. We're the best of friends too, so undoing our bond would have been unconscionable. After the dust from the breakup settled he realized that I was the one for him after all. Nevertheless, we agreed to see the breakup through in order to grow, evolve, and regain our independence. We're working on ourselves right now before we even consider to get back together. Throughout the whole process we never cut contact.

NC is for you to regain your bearings - if that's what you need. Don't see it as a rule of law, only a suggestion.

When I joined this forum, Tired Tiger was a regular contributor. I read all of his threads, as well as other veterans of the time.

And what I learned was to "let go with love". I had already started "NC" without knowing it was a means of healing. It simply seemed the most logical way for me to heal from a relationship where my partner/bf of 1.5 yrs no longer wanted to work on the relationship.

I was hurt, of course. But TT's words of wisdom helped me let go of the anger, and cherish what my bf and I had shared. And allow him to find his path, as I went on my own....solo.

And because of that ---- and because my bf realized that having "gotten his $hit" together, he felt able to come back and ask for a second chance. Because I had let go and not made him feel guilty.

You cannot help him ...he has to find peace himself.When my friedns told me how hard is to be in a relationship with someone that suffers from bipolar disorder i did not believe.I said ,i ll take the hard way and stick by his side,only to have my heart ripped of my chest soon after.I know is not fair to blame these people mentally condition and just accept that they dont love us enough,but if they do not seek prfessional help they go around breaking hearts on and on....I had to let mine go and it is the most painful thing.To me ,no matter how much i love him i want to stay away from him and his friendship because that has actaully putted me in a very bad place emotionally.Let him go completely and heal.