I found what I was looking for.

So for a little back story, I've been with my boyfriend for some years (under five) and i discovered that he was an addict. He sought help twice. The first time, to no avail, but he's been clean now for just under one year. We managed to have somehow worked through the lies and deceit and now have created a somewhat healthy, stable relationship. Though I'm still struggling with some personal trust issues and perhaps some minor low-self esteem (nothing major, just the things that come along with addiction). The other day i was cleaning and organizing the house and i came accross his "recovery notebook". I've never been a snoop, and what I did was wrong. I won't defend myself, I messed up. The steps that he wrote mentioned cheating. I've told him in the past that cheating is a deal-breaker for me. He states "Cheated publicly on my girlfriend", "treated her like nothing (e.g cheating)". You get the picture. Now we've talked about that in the past, he looked at me right in the eye, through conversations as well as his amends letter and has flat out told me he never has. Now i've found this information and subtly asked him again. Nothing, same answer. Deny, deny, deny. So i guess i'm just looking for an outsiders perspective on the matter. Possibly someone who knows and has dealt with addiction. Is the word "cheating" code for something else (i know this sounds crazy)? Should i confront him? Is he withholding the information in order to protect my feelings? Help.

Since this is a pretty serious relationship, I think you need to confront him. It sucks that you looked in his book, but what's done is done.

Take the book to him. Tell him you saw that he wrote he cheated on you - say NOTHING else. Don't ask "is this code for something? Is this about drugs?" Do not give him an "out".

Just say "I read this. You cheated on me. Please tell me what happened"

His response should give you the answer you're looking for. And if it was cheating ... Well, you said it was a deal breaker. You've stuck around through 2 bouts of addiction and rehab. You've done your fair share.

"cheated publicly on my girlfriend." To me that sounds like something other then sexual "cheating" Why would he put "publicly" in there if it was some sort of affair or sexual hook-up?

I'd not tell him you looked at his very personal journal. If you did that to me, I'd never get over THAT betrayal. He may be the same and then the two of you will have zero trust for one another.

If you tell him you snooped he can still deny that he actually had sex with another woman. So deny will be the status quo.

I suggest that if you are on the right track to a healthy, reciprocal relationship, if he is showing you zero indication that he is stepping out on you and hes doing his best to remain in your life clean and sober that you let this go and forget what you read.

If you can't do that, then there is absolutely NO sense staying with him anyway because you'll just whittle away at the emotional connection with your mistrust, anger and resentment that builds up in your head. If you tell him what you read, he'll be doing the same more likely then not.

Do you guys have any family councilling or couples councilling going on? If you don't you should consider it if you're going to continue on with him. What he is, is not just a matter of him being clean and sober there is a lot going on in him that preempted him being an addict to begin with and a lot going on in you that you'd stick with him during his addiction when you're not even married or with children.

We managed to have somehow worked through the lies and deceit

Apparently not. He doesn't intend to tell you everything, and if you use the snooping as your basis for calling him on that, he can just turn this back on you and claim that he can't trust you, either.

So you get to decide whether you can live with what you've learned, or not. If not, decide whether to walk away cleanly or erode this thing down to being unlivable for both of you.