Cynder

I think when stuff like this happens, it's because we are not supposed to be there. That might sound all new age and hippie dippie. But since my NDE, stuff like this hits differently. Yes it's frustrating. But if I was supposed to be there this weekend, I would be there. There's a reason I'm not there. And I probably won't ever know the reason. There's all these stories about people missing a flight and then the plane crashing, etc. But decisions we make every day could save us and we might never know. The movie Donnie Darko plays on this idea, too. I'm not saying something catastrophic will happen there this weekend. But if we stop and think about all the things that could happen every time we leave the house, it's crazy to think about everything that could go wrong that doesn't. Everything fits exactly where it's supposed to fit. Knowing that is one of the few things that got me through everything back in 2021. I remember trying to talk to L about that one night and her just being awful to me about it. I still don't really know what about that would make her so mad. Maybe because seeing me completely unravel was more fun for her, idk. And now I'm all prepped for RCTC here in about 6 weeks. I packaged so many prints, and made new signage for my booth and everything. Now I still have all that for the next show. And I want to get my digital business card all set up and I was kinda annoyed with myself for not doing that before PITC. But now it will be done in time for RCTC. I went out tonight and bought some watercolor paper and a few hexagon canvases. I got myself a really nice set of watercolors a while back and haven't busted them out yet because I didn't have paper for them. So I think tonight I'm going to take a hot shower and pamper myself a little, and paint tomorrow.

This whole week can f off, lol. I've had customers being mean. I've had to put up with snarky comments from my manager. I'm trying to not take it personally, since her boss (the owner) thinks I'm cleaning the place just fine. But she keeps making these snarky comments about how I don't clean anything, etc. The owner told me that's just her way of motivating people. Ok... I guess it's a matter of management style. As someone who also has employees, I've never thought, "Wow, if I insult my employees they'll be so motivated." It just gets old waking up to these passive aggressive text messages that say things like, "Did you even do anything last night?" And then... the cherry on top the crap sundae... PITC is this weekend. I've been looking forward to this for months. I ordered and packaged a ton of new prints, etc. I colored my hair. I bought a cool outfit to wear, etc. Well, I found out last night that due to an administrative error, I don't have a spot. There's not much that can be done. The payment is transferred to next year. But since this is such a huge festival and spaces fill up fast, and with it being outdoors on city streets, they can't just find extra space to put someone. And when this happens and they find a space for someone at last minute, it's usually a really bad spot with no visibility. So, I've been crying a lot today about this. Not only was I really excited, but I also really needed the money. I never got a tax refund this year. (I will, it's not that I owe. My accountant just had to file for an extension because he's really good at what he does and got a lot of business this year, and took on more clients than he had time for.) I'll tell you what though... People who know how upset I've been have been awesome. I needed the money for a pretty significant home repair that needs done. And my one tenant knows a contractor who is willing to give me a good deal because he owes my tenant a favor. I told him I would pay for materials and buy him a pizza. The place where I rent ed a van from wasn't too happy with me when I called and canceled. I get it that sucks for them. But I'm not going to pay to rent a van I won't be using. It's not my fault this happened. But I took responsibility for it when I was on the phone with them and took the tongue lashing. "It's the weekend and this is moving season! We could have rented it to someone else!" Yes, I know. I wouldn't do this to you guys on purpose." D has been trying to cheer me up all day. He has 7 baby skunks he's fostering right now. So all day long I've been treated to adorable skunk videos and funny texts. I've never met anyone who shared my weird sense of humor like he does. So many people have a problem with me still being friends with him. But he was one of my best friends before we dated. Why should I give that up? If we can be friends after breaking up, why not be friends? I still love him. He still loves me. We've had that conversation. And maybe things will go there again in the future. We are both open to the possibility. But not right now. We might just be life long friends and be each other's one that got away. Who knows. There are worse things to be. Him and his husband are splitting up. He is devastated and pouring everything he has into his animal rescue. I wish there was more I could do to help him. I've offered to be a foster parent. (To a rescue animal, his kids are grown and don't need foster parents, lol.) But he doesn't want to separate any of them. Ok, I get that but I also don't get it. They are rescue animals, not his pets. They will all be separated eventually. He has a bunch of snakes. I have aquariums and heat lights, etc, to house snakes here. I've been a snake owner my whole adult life. But he doesn't want to separate the snakes. I think I could only handle one skunk. Skunks are high maintenance animals, especially as babies. I looked at what movies are playing this weekend, just to have something fun to do, but nothing is playing that I want to see. So I'm going to figure out something to do tomorrow that will be fun. I've been invited to a bonfire tomorrow night. I'll probably go. Hanging with a bunch of hippies in the woods is always fun. There will be mushrooms there, but I probably won't partake. When you've been down and having a bad time is not the best time to trip. I have considered taking another trip soon, though. Not with Ayahuasca. With mushrooms. Mushrooms are so accessible now. For a while they were practically impossible to find in my area. But now they're everywhere. To of the guys I work with grow them and sell them. So, the fact that all I have to do is ask one of my coworkers still seems wild to me. I remember when I really wanted to try them ten years ago no one had them. I know practically every dealer in my city and no one could get me shrooms. But now that psychedelic use is becoming so accepted and not taboo like it used to be, everyone wants to try them. I also know a lot of people who have had amazing experiences on high doses of THC. THC is a psychedelic if you take enough of it. Especially people who've had really high doses of other psychedelic compounds (like I have.) Once those doors are opened up in the mind, it becomes a lot easier to trip. I know a lot of seasoned Ayahuasca users who have taken incredible journeys after about 100-150 mg of THC. Well, I have to leave. Didn't realize how late it was.

So, something interesting happened last night at work, and I'm afraid some poor guy is going to get in trouble over it, unfortunately. Where I work has a few locations. And the closest one is about 40 miles away. Last week a guy who works there called our location because a member who normally comes to my location was there and they were having some issues getting her info. So, I gave him the info he needed and went about my business. Well, last night, that same guy called me again. This time it had nothing to do with that member. This time he was having trouble finding something in our system and called me. He said I was so nice and helpful last week, and all the managers are sleeping, so he figured he would call me and ask for help. So I walked him through what he was trying to do. He thanked me and was really grateful. To me this was really complimentary. Some rando thinks I'm nice and helpful, and it also means I know what I'm doing that people from other locations are calling me for help. Well, the guy who used to relieve me at 6AM quit. Friday was his last day. So now the owner relieves me at 6AM. So this morning when he got there (at 6:20... I'm actually gonna talk more about that here in a minute.) But when he got there I told him that story. And he told me that's good that I helped, and it's good that his team knows our stuff. But he said from a managerial perspective that's not good at all, and the guy at the other locations should be able to figure it out on his own, or the managers there should help. He shouldn't be calling me for help, etc. He told me that can go into unwanted territory, a guy calling a girl saying how nice and helpful she is, etc. Ok, yea, I can see that. But I'm not the kind of person who's going to start yelling sexual harassment just because someone thinks I'm nice. My boss asked for this guy's name. I just hope he doesn't get in trouble. I had to give up my holiday on Monday and deep clean even though we were closed. And I busted ass all night. No customers to worry about, so I went to town and cleaned the hell out of the whole place. Last night I get to work, and there's a note on my task list from the night before from my female boss, and it literally says, "Did you even clean anything last night?" Wow, such a morale boost, lol. This woman isn't happy with anything. I could literally spend days detailing everything with a toothbrush and she would find something wrong. I don't let it get to me because she's just on a power trip. She's got some vendetta against 3rd shift. She always has. But, she doesn't realize that when the cleaning staff does their job right, no one notices. I guarantee if I really didn't clean anything for a whole night, everyone would notice. I walk in there at night and there's chalk all over the floor in the weight rooms, there's trash and empty bottles sitting around, etc. By the morning, that's all cleaned up. If I left it there, everyone would be asking why the hell the gym is so dirty. So, the guy who used to relieve me was always 25ish minutes late. Every day. And it was just a joke to everyone, managers and customers. A few weeks ago this regular customer was talking about him. And we'll just say his name is John. So, customer is like, "I bet you really appreciate John coming in early every day so you can leave early. John is such a nice guy." They thought John's shift started at 7. I politely explained that his shift starts at 6 and it's actually me who stays late every day and covers for him. They were like, "Are you sure? I think he's supposed to start at 7." I didn't say it but I was so tempted to be like, "No, I'm not sure. It's not like there's a schedule we all are supposed to follow that all the employees can see or anything. I really have no clue. I don't even know when I'm supposed to be here. I just show up whenever I want and leave whenever John gets here." Lol. Well, now the owner is supposed to come in at 6. This started yesterday. Both days he's been a half hour late. Ok... I'm getting kind of tired of covering for grown ass adults who can't get their ass out of bed and come to work on time. And this morning, another regular, who I'm pretty comfortable with, he was asking me about John quitting. I told him he found another job. He asked who is coming in at 6 now. And I said the owner's name. And he's like, "Wow, so the owner of this place comes in late too?" I said Yep. And he's like, "Well you're used to it. You've been covering for John for years. So it's not a big deal." And then I said, "Well, John being late every day is this big joke, and now *owner* is late too and I'm used to it. But my time is important too, you know?" I didn't say it in a snarky tone. And this guy is one of the regulars that I am really comfortable with. I mean, I know this guy's whole life story. I've seen pics of his kids, he's discussed medical issues with me, etc. I wouldn't have said that to just some customer I never talk to. Idk... it's irritating that it's so funny that I have to cover for people every morning. Like why the hell should my time matter? So many ways the world tells me how invisible I am to most people. Then this random dude from another location actually shows me a little appreciation, and it's a bad thing and he's probably going to get in trouble for it. Anyway, I have to get to bed so I can get up and go do some video editing. I swear I didn't choose this song, Youtube did. But it's appropriate considering I'm writing about work.

Right. She just wants to be around the new girl more. Hopefully this doesn't mean she will just start hanging out there at night. The whole front of where I work is glass. So I see the sun coming up every morning. And the view of the moon from our back loading dock is really pretty, too. There are dumpster divers that go out at night in the part of town I work in. And they used to stop in the gym and bring me whole bags of cat food from the dumpster behind the pet store nearby, etc. All the most interesting people come out at night, it seems. And there's this whole group of late night regulars that I'm on a first name basis with, etc. I've even hung out with a few of them outside of work. Last night was interesting, because we were closed, but I still had to be there to deep clean. My boss got the idea in her head that 3rd shift can just work all the holidays because when we are closed that's prime deep cleaning time. Despite the hours being posted on the door, there were people pounding on the door at 3AM. It's probably really confusing for people seeing all the lights on and seeing someone inside when the place is closed though. And then my boss was supposed to be there at 5:45, but never showed up until 6:10. And considering I've never opened before it was kind of chaotic. I don't understand why a bunch of grown ass adults can't get to work on time, but it is what it is, I guess. I'm off at 6. I never clock out and leave at 6 because every day I have to cover for whoever is supposed to be there at 6. And I hear a lot, "Well, you're ride never gets here till 6:30 anyway." Ok... I schedule my ride for 6:30 because you guys are always late and I never get to leave on time. And if a taxi has to wait on you, they'll leave. Anyway, I busted ass last night, now it's time to get to bed so I can get up and color my hair. PITC is this weekend and I need to look good for it.

Yea, and on top of all the "Omg, she's sooooo cute!" comments, it also annoyed me that she mentioned multiple times how much it sucks that this girl will be on 3rd shift. She's saying things like, "I tried so hard to convince her to work on first shift. It just sucks that she will be stuck on 3rd." And "Hopefully after a while she'll come to 1st. Someone like her shouldn't be wasted on 3rd shift." Ok... what exactly is wrong with 3rd shift? My boss hates the overnight crew, and she's never been shy about it, either. She just has it in her head that people who work overnight are slackers and that we don't do anything. But in reality we work harder than anyone, that's why we make more. The starting pay for overnight is $3 more an hour than day shift. Part of that is shift differential, but also we make more because we deep clean the whole place every night, and day shift just stands behind the counter chatting with customers, setting tanning beds and selling lotion. And I know this because I trained on day shift. If you read the Google reviews for where I work, two things come up consistently, that the people who work there are lazy and just stand around behind the counter all day, and that the place is really clean. Ok, well, it's really clean because of the overnight crew. I just went and looked at our Google reviews. I like to check them every now and then. There is a review from a few days ago where someone complained about having to wait almost 30 minutes to tan. They said there's no excuse for that when there are four people behind the counter all standing there playing on their phones. I can honestly say, no one ever waits that long on my shift. Even if the bed they want is occupied, the max time on any of our tanning beds is 15 minutes. The beds also have a 3-4 minute cool down time. And then they need to be sanitized after every use. It takes maybe a minute to sanitized a tanning bed. So, even if someone walked in and signed up right at the beginning of someone's session in the bed they wanted, They would have a 20 minute wait, roughly. But that would only happen if someone was really insistent on using a certain bed. We have 7 beds. They all do the same thing. Some are stand up beds, someone are lay down beds. Some are a little newer. But a tanning bed is a tanning bed. They all do the same thing. So most people aren't insistent on a certain bed. So yea, just a few days ago, someone was in there in the day time and got ignored for 30 minutes while four people were standing behind the counter. I know people exaggerate a lot when it comes to that stuff. Maybe it wasn't 30 minutes she waited. Or maybe she just sat there and didn't tell anyone she was waiting to tan. A lot of people sit in the chairs up front when they are waiting on a ride or waiting for their SO, friend, etc to get done in the locker room. So it could have been one of those situations. But still, stuff like that doesn't happen on my shift. If I see someone sitting up front waiting for a while I'll ask them if they're waiting to tan. But yea, I'm getting off track. I didn't like her comments about what a waste it is that this cute girl she just adores will be on 3rd shift. Honestly, she probably wants to work 3rd because of the money. People act like working 3rd shift is something right out of Dante's Inferno. I've had so many people tell me they feel sorry for me having to work those hours, etc. I love working at night. I'm a rare breed I guess. I sleep better during the day. I'm more chipper and energetic at night. And I've always been that way. And it's hard to explain why exactly, but I love being up and working while most of the world is asleep. I don't know why but there's something comforting about that to me. It's like I'm the scary tattooed fairy godmother who comes in and cleans the place at night so everyone can appreciate the cleanliness of the place. There's something about operating behind the scenes. Like when I do random acts of kindness for people. I always do them anonymously, because to me there's something really cool about making someone's day better from behind the curtain. Like, some of my regulars at night have specific taste in music, so I play stuff they like while they're in there. And in their head they're probably thinking, "Wow, this place plays good music." They don't even realize someone's doing that just for them. There's a guy who comes in every morning and he really likes this one flavor of energy drink we carry. So I always make sure that flavor is in the cooler for him. We carry so many drinks, and we have so many stocked in the back, we rotate flavors in and out of the cooler over time. But I always make sure there's at least one in there that is the flavor he likes. Anyway, I woke up crazy early today and now I'm going back to sleep for a few hours.

So they hired someone new on 3rd shift, they start later on this week. But it was almost creepy hearing my (bi female) boss talk about her. She was telling me about how she was so excited after interviewing this girl that the owner told her to calm down. She was saying she wrote, "I adore her!" on the girl's interview notes. She was going on and on about how cute this girl is and how she really wishes she didn't have to be stuck on 3rd shift. My boss said she tried so hard to convince this girl to work during the day so she could see her and work with her more, etc. Wow... could you imagine the backlash if a man talked this way about a woman he hired? Or even if it was a gay man talking about another man? Any woman in earshot would be screaming sexual harassment and calling the guy a predator. This is one reason I'm pro men's rights. So many double standards... I just hope this new girl actually wants to work. Because after hearing my boss gush about how cute she is and how she simply adores her, I'm sure she could pretty much get away with anything.

So, getting back to what I was writing about before... My ex Aaron... my second longest relationship... He was a doer, also. And what we both wanted was pretty well aligned in the beginning but we branched out in different directions. Psychedelics was what tore us apart, in the simplest version of the story. When we started seeing each other, I was just starting to find my footing as an artist, and he was just finding his as a software engineer. I think he really wanted me to come more over to his side of the fence and live more of a white collar existence. He hated that I worked in the automotive industry, etc. He really wanted me to find an office job. And because we were together for a long time, he got established and got the good job, etc while he was with me. And once he had the good job, that was it. Which is fine. I'm all for someone getting to a place where they are comfortable in life and staying there. But once he stopped looking around and started settling into his role with his new company, he just expected me to stop evolving, also. He was content to spend all our time just watching Netflix, etc. And it didn't help that around the time he got the good job and started settling down, that's when I decided it was time to fly halfway around the world and do Ayahuasca. And it as also around that time that my abuser was being persecuted for abusing my sister. I hadn't even spoken to my Mom in months and the only thing that got us talking again was she was convinced I was going to die in a hut in the jungle. So it's interesting how my decision drove Aaron away but brought my Mom back into my life. He was very anti drugs. And there were no exceptions. Someone has really bad chronic pain and the only thing that helps is weed. Too bad, they can suffer, etc. And this is something that never made sense to me because he drank. So alcohol is OK because it's socially acceptable? And the conditions we both agreed on were that I would go on antidepressants when Ayahuasca didn't help. He was so set on thinking it would do nothing for me. And so then when I did it... and I came back to the states and went full ham with my art and dove headfirst into the festival scene, he decided he couldn't handle me anymore. I didn't find this out until over a year later, but he also met someone else and ended it to be with her. So, looking back, I don't really know if it was both reasons, or if he just used all my issues as an excuse to go be with this other girl. In those situations, people usually do try to justify their own actions by blaming the person they're leaving. My vendor ex, M, was most definitely a doer. And at first I thought I won the dating lottery because what we wanted was so in line with each other, and we had the same drive, etc. We were like the festival scene power couple. But he can't handle competition. he feels threatened by everyone. And he's rich, so he just throws money around tog et his way. He doesn't like someone, he just has them banned, and pays the organizers off. And him and I had completely opposite attitudes when it came to how to run a business. I'm not saying one way is right, etc, because everyone runs their operation differently. But my way is my way for a reason. And I became scene royalty for a reason. Over time he stopped seeing his girlfriend and started seeing another competitor that he needed to knock down. But it was really hard for him to knock me down because we sell completely different things. I never saw him as competition because he's a leather worker. If someone wants a leather bound journal, or a leather bag, etc, they're going to go to him. If someone wants a painting or a print to hang in their house, they'll come to me. I don't even see other artists as competition because everyone style is different. Like, if someone wants art like what Banksy does, they won't come to me because that's not my art style. (Not saying anything against Banksy.,.. dude's a genius.) Basically, if someone like my work, they'll buy my work. There are so many other talented artists out there. I don't see any of them as competition because no one is the same. He would have a bad show and be mad at me for a week after. If I had a good show he would get really pissy with me and insist in a rude demanding way that I pay for dinner, gas for the drive home, etc. And I never refused to pull my weight. But him insisting that I pay for all of that stuff just because I had a good show was so juvenile. Then we would get to his house and he'd tell me to go sleep in the guest room because he doesn't want to sleep next to me, etc. I think a ;lot of that had to do with him just getting his way all his life and being spoiled. So he never learned how to handle disappointment or not getting what he wants. And then there was Z, who resented me for doing what I want to do. I don't need to go int all that because I have before, recently. And like M, she also saw someone she had to knock down, but for different reasons. Looking back, the only person who was also a doer and who didn't resent me was D. And he's a doer like I am. I've considered that him and I weren't together long enough for him to start hating me. Because just about everyone that came before literally started to hate me while we were together. I know OCD has played a role to some extent here also. But my OCD is pretty self contained. Like, I don't expect everyone around me to do things a certain way because that's how I do them, etc. That becomes a real probably with a lot of people with OCD in relationships. Most of mine are so bizarre that they don't really impact other people around me. Like, I hate wet clothing. Especially other people's clothes. I don't even like touching my own clothes when they are wet but I make myself do it when I do laundry. It's not like life is full of situations where handling wet clothes is absolutely necessary and I've had a lot of fights with SOs about why I won't do it. Bathing is really ritualized for me, and I have a hard time bathing in someone else's house until I reach a certain level of comfort with them. D understood all this, but oddly enough he has some of the same hangups about clothes and about bathing. I'm not trying to sit here and say I'm a perfect angel. But I don't treat people the way a lot of people have treated me. And so many people have said I treated them better than anyone. But most of them really started to resent me and dislike me over time. It's also harder to connect with people post NDE. And I wish I had a little more time to go into this. But publishing Needles does scare me a little. It's such a hard time to be an author. Authors can't do or say anything without pissing someone off. And yes, I want those scathing one star reviews on goodreads. But a one star review is different from people personally attacking someone. And a lot of authors get personally attacked for what they write. Just trying to do honest research got me threatened with doxing. And people read my work and think I"m a man which is a huge compliment because male writers are taken a lot more seriously. But it also sucks because men can't do anything right in our society. The men's rights movement deserves a lot more visibility. I hate the way men are treated and think this whole "men are scum" attitude needs to go away already. There are plenty of scum women out there too. Anyway... this little stream of consciousness rambling has been fun but I really need to go get changed for work.

Since multiple friends I kicked out of my life have come back around lately, I've been reflecting a lot on past relationships, etc. So many former friends miss me so much, etc. And Most of my exes have come back around at some point (not recently, just throughout my life and told me I treated them better than anyone ever has. But it's funny, considered everyone who has told me that cheated. Ok... so I treated you so good, but you screwed around? I think there are a lot of broken people out there who just can't handle being treated well. Z even used to tell me she had never met anyone like me. She told me on multiple occasions that I am "down to Earth." She told me most of her exes were really jealous and controlling, and I'm not, so she wasn't really sure how to deal with someone who didn't act like that. (Apparently the conclusion she came to was to just ghost me, lol.) Pretty much everyone I'm with ends up strongly disliking me or straight up hating me in the long run. And I've spent a lot of time reflecting on why, since I don't treat people bad. Being a doer and not a talker, I think is a big issue for a lot of people. Doers are intimidating and we are usually perceived as really selfish. And there's a degree of truth to that. My first serious boyfriend had this really narrow world view. His parents met and were married three months later and they were only 15 and 17 when they got married. And it was a shotgun wedding. His older sister, pretty much the same thing only she was 17. So, because that's the way things were in his family, he thought that's the way everyone is supposed to live their life. So, he expected to knock some girl up as a teenager and then marry her. I threw a wrench is all of that. For one I wouldn't sleep with him. And this life he wanted didn't sound appealing to me at all. So of course I'm selfish. Ok, I don't want to spend my life barefoot, pregnant in the kitchen raising your kids. If that makes me selfish then fine, I;m selfish. He was also a talker. He'd sit around blabbing about all the stuff he wanted to do, and never do it. My ex husband was a doer, also. And two doers are a lot more compatible. But unless what they want to do is pretty closely aligned, then that's not going to work either. And he also expected me to drop everything to help with whatever creative project he was working on at the time, and usually I didn't mind helping him because what he was working on was fun and interesting. But if I asked for any help it was a hard no. And then it got to the point where he just expected me to devote all my time to helping him and not do anything for myself. Like, "Why are you writing? You should be editing my book for me!" "Why are you painting? You should be working on my CD cover?" The final coffin nail was me going to Europe. And it wasn't so much that I went. But it was that I worked my ass off to save the money to go when I could have spent the money on him. All our bills were getting paid. It's not like we were starving and living without electricity, etc, just so I could go to Europe. I got my paycheck and put what was left after bills and food, etc away toward Europe. He got his check and after bills blew all his money on cam girls, DVDs, and energy drinks (he was addicted to Monsters.) And then when it's time to book my flight he just expects me to cancel the whole trip and buy him a car. Um no. So once again, I was selfish. But even when he had a car, I never got a ride anywhere. I walked to work in the rain more than once while his car was gassed up in the driveway. I relied on public transportation, etc. Because him and his family were convinced my eyes aren't bad and I can drive and I'm just faking it. So he refused to give me a ride anywhere. So hey... why the hell should I buy him a car? And man, that was one of the most satisfying no's I've ever said in my life. Because by that point I'd already busted him cheating on me more than once, etc. I came back from Europe and started apartment hunting. This is a topic I want to write more about. But I need to leave and go do some video editing.

I really wish more people understood what it's actually like working third shift, mainly my boss. I worked on Easter even though the gym was closed. Because "Well, we still need you to clean. And it's not like you're giving up your holiday." Well, I'm not a Christian and I don't celebrate Easter, but I was looking forward to a 3 day weekend. Well now, Memorial Day is this weekend. And I have to work even though we're closed. No holiday pay, of course. Because, "Well, you're not giving up your holiday!" I was told this is going to be a regular thing. That third shift is going to be coming in and deep cleaning on all the holidays. Uh... how the hell is that fair? If deep cleaning when we're closed is so important how about we rotate what shift does it? Or how about everyone just comes in and we all bust it all out in like 2-3 hours? And then they wonder why they can't keep help on third shift? And aside from all that, our task list just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Right now it's impossible to do by myself unless I halfass some of it. Like, the spa area used to be second shift's responsibility. Well, about a year ago they gave that to third shift, on top of everything else. That's ten more rooms we have to clean. Honestly, if I did everything they want me to do, I could spend a whole shift just on the spa. And since I'm there alone, I do all the customer service stuff too. And this is the busiest time of the year. I usually don't even get away from the counter until around 1AM. I really do like my job. But I like it a lot better when I have help. They hired this one girl who showed up twice and then just stopped showing up, no call or anything. I'm kinda relieved honestly though because I wasn't sure if I was going to get along with her. She never smiled, at all. When my boss was training her she just had an attitude the whole time. I was looking at her Facebook just out of curiosity, and all her posts were about what an a*shole she is, what a b*tch she is, and stuff like, "If you don't like me then go f yourself." And there was just a lot of drama on her page that I could see just as someone who dropped in for a quick look. There were multiple posts where she was arguing with people, etc. She reminded me of some of the people I kicked out of my life a few years ago, lol. But anyway, another thing that annoys me... People find out I work third shift and they just immediately start expressing sympathy. Stuff like, "Wow, I feel so sorry for you... I can't even imagine how much that sucks!... Omg, I feel so bad for you!" I love the hours I work. I don't even want to work during the day again. I'm a nocturnal creature. For years I tried to live a normal existence in the daylight. I've been an insomniac my whole life, and when I started working overnight, my insomnia went away for the most part. Once in a while I have trouble sleeping, but hardly ever. And when I worked during the day I never got enough sleep. I'm frustrated with my editor. He told me over a month ago that he would have the next chapter to me "In a few days." I understand people get busy. But this is getting ridiculous. I'm the one paying him. Anyway... need to get to bed so I can get up and go edit video later.

Needles is finished!!!! Well... at least this revision is finished. My editor still needs to go through it and I need to make revisions based on what he says. But my own revisions are done. Revisions were so much more grueling than the drafting process. And revision can go on forever. At some point I'm going to have to decide to be happy with it. Or else it will never truly be finished. I just hope my editor will step it up a little and work faster now that it's done. I've sent him 42 chapters and an epilogue. I've gotten back 9 chapters. And I'm sure on some level he's been thinking something like, "She's not even finished yet. I can take my time." And that's fine if he is. I'm not paying him by the hour. I'm paying him by the word. How long he takes to do something doesn't really matter from a financial perspective. But now that I am finished... I'm waiting on him. Basically he will go through and make his suggestions, I make revisions based on his suggestions, and then we will have a final draft. Then I can start doing all the other things authors have to do, like file for copyright, get my ISBN, etc. Originally my goal was to release by July of 2024. Well, that's not happening. But not because I didn't work my ass off. Sometimes a goal needs re-evaluated. I would love to release it by the end of this year. But that is probably pushing it, too. There's a lot that goes into this process... and it's an expensive process, so, money might delay things even more. Like, I might have to wait to have inventory printed up to sell until I have the money to pay for it, etc. Self published authors get to keep all the money they make... but they also pay for everything. Part of me still wants to try traditional publishing. It's more like I just want to see if I can do it. Like, do I have the chops to be traditionally published? But, I don't think I need to prove anything to myself. Every author I know has told me self publishing is the way to go. And I know some who are traditionally published as well as self published. Anyway, I need to go get some sleep. Now that I'm done, maybe today when I wake up I'll paint something.

I have things I want to say in response to this, but I'm fading fast. I need to go to sleep. But later.

Yes. I will admit I've said some mean things out of angel. I'm not proud of myself. But I've never told anyone to go kill themself. And I've been told that a lot. D's sister even texted me that the night D and I broke up. Probably the most angry I've ever been in my life at someone was when I found out my ex husband was cheating on me with one of my friends. I called him every name in the book and told him I hated him. And then I texted pretty much the same thing to her. But even then I didn't say, "Go kill yourself." I was actually suicidal when all this was going on and I have wondered how any of the people who said that to me would have felt if I did it. I know it doesn't matter. But the part of me that thinks about everything has wondered.

Yep, mean girls. And Z is Regina George. I'm so determined to write a novel one day with a Machiavellian lead character. And the more research I do on the Machiavellian personality type, the more it sounds like her. I'm not diagnosing anyone. I'm not qualified for that. A Machiavellian will just go ham and destroy someone's life for fun, just because they can. And she didn't destroy my life. But I think if given the right tools and under the right circumstances she definitely could destroy someone's life. And I've thought a lot about this from that lens. People are toys to her. And my former friends were toys, also. She never had any real interest in being friends with any of them. It was all about hurting me. And also, if she really is Machiavellian (which she might be, but also might not be, I don't know.) She probably just decided that it was some huge injustice that I have things she wants but doesn't have. So, instead of working to get those things for herself, she decided to just take me down a few pegs. And I can see how these former friends of mine were reeled in by her. She is incredibly charismatic. I mean, she reeled me in, too. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it, and she's really hot. She wins people over with flattery and ass kissing, but also has a way of relating to people no matter what they say. And you're right, they egged it on. I had people screenshotting her posts on FB about me and sending them to me even after I said I don't want to see that. And L went from being ride or die and calling me her sister, to being 100% on Z's side in all of this. It's crazy though... L also went around telling everyone that I allowed a pedophile to be around her son... well the pedo she was referring to is Z, who is not a pedophile. That one still stumps me. Her and Z are suddenly besties after we break up and she's going around saying that in an effort to make me look bad... but she's also making Z look really bad, too. And no one seemed to catch on to that for some reason. Idk man... if I was somewhere on the periphery of all of this and someone was telling me "She knowingly let this person who's a pedo around my kid!" My first question would he, "Well, why are you still hanging out with the pedo then?" Z is many things, but she's not a pedophile. Wonder what would have happened if she found out that her new bestie was saying about her? (And yes, it's all very 6th grade. I feel like a 6th grader just typing this paragraph, lol.) And on a random sidenote, L lost custody of my nephew. I don't know all the details, but her Mom messages me sometimes on Facebook and she's the one that told me. So she' not the mother of the year anyway. I love K to death and I miss him every day.) I do give myself credit for not letting any of them back in my life. Apology accepted, access denied. And they all say they miss my art. Like... ok? You don't miss me. You just miss seeing my paintings, which you can still look at online without interacting with me. Anyone who googles my name will find all kinds of images of my paintings. Oh yea, one of my ideas does take place in the same universe with the same cast of characters. I love this world I created. And I have two other novels drafted that I need to revise, and I have another one in the works currently. And I have been starting to get the urge to paint again. Good vibes back. Thank you. I appreciate the vibes and I appreciate your reply.

Yep, I try so hard to remember that a lot of this is about them and not about me. My Mom has a set idea of what teenagers should listen to when I was a teenager, and I deviated from that so I'm bad. But also, my Mom is (or at least was at that time) the kind of person who would dislike someone based on their taste in music.) My parents disliked a lot of people. Basically anyone who didn't act like them was a POS. And since they were alcoholics they hung out with other alcoholics, so no one ever called them out or challenged them on their choice of friends, etc. It takes all kinds of kinds, I like that. I've said before that when I started working at festivals I felt like the Bee Girl in the Blind Melon video when she finally found all the other Bee people. The scene is full of eccentric creative people and everyone accepts people for who they are. And there's also a lot of Autistic people in the scene. When I was younger I was so socially awkward. Social cues were like a foreign language to me. I didn't pick up on the nuances of a lot of things. I didn't understand what was appropriate to talk about and when, etc. And then it didn't help that at home I got in trouble practically every time I opened my mouth. As an adult I've gotten a lot better, but there are still things I don't understand at all. Even when I write, I have a hard time writing emotions because there are some emotions I just don't experience like other people do. And I'm a really literal thinker, too, which seems to get me in trouble a lot. I think in the case of people who apologize after the fact, that's more for them than it is for the person they hurt. I mean yea, there are times when something really wasn't intended and then you apologize after. Like, I stepped on my cat's tail the other day and I probably told him I was sorry 5 times after, because I genuinely didn't mean to hurt him. But if I stepped on his tail on purpose just to be a jerk, saying sorry afterwords is pointless. Because if I really felt bad about hurting him, I wouldn't have hurt him. Like in the case of my former friends, I think it's just an effort to clear their conscience. Thank you for replying. You always bring such good insight to the table. I really appreciate your kind words, old timer. 🙂

I know a lot of the things people say are actually statements about themselves rather than others. Like my Mom's comments about music and books being why people don't like me... Ok, those are reasons she would dislike someone. My ex husband was really shallow. He doesn't like people based on looks, etc. But like my online friend (former friend now) I've wondered a lot what drove his behavior. Like, if I'm talking to someone, I'm not filing away all the things they do that are wrong in my eyes. Especially if those things don't directly affect me. If I was talking to someone and they tell me they went on vacation by themself, ok, so? I'm not sitting here thinking, "Wow, that's so messed up!" That would be like someone saying they really like matcha tea and me thinking, "Wow, you have issues!" because I don't like matcha tea. But these friends who were in my life for a long time, siding with her... I also know that's about them more than it is about me. But I still get stuck on figuring out why, especially if to some of them I was their "best friend." I've questioned if it's the right decision to not let any of them back into my life. But the way I see it, they chose her. That was their choice and they don't deserve a do-over. People rarely change. I also try to remind myself that she is a miserable person. So it's not like she's living some amazing life. She is currently working somewhere that is notorious for being an evil company who treats their employees like crap. And she has already pissed off a lot of the other people who work there by starting drama at work. (It's weird how I know this, too. There are two ladies who come into the gym at night who also work there. And they always talk to me for a little bit before they go work out. And they were telling me about how their coworker knows me, etc. I guess she comes to work drunk on the regular and starts crap at work all the time. So, all she has is drinking and starting drama for fun. Eventually she's going to back herself into a corner and piss off the wrong people.