Surviving in "No Mans Land"

[Altoona]

For all those that are breaking up from a relationship, feeling lonely and searching to find a way forward, please read on.

 

So you're dumped, or you've dumped him, whatever; you're single again and it doesn't feel good. You can't wait to fall in love again; but is fast-tracking your next relationship always the wisest move?

 

Society so often pushes the image of a single woman as lonely, sad and somehow not quite good enough. It's not surprising thereforeeee, that we aim to find another relationship as quickly as possible after the previous one ends.

 

Consider this: singledom can be much more than a space between partnerships. It can be a wonderful - even essential - opportunity to grow up and develop your personality in a way that will not only make you happier, but also more equipped to make future relationships work.

 

Three basic needs

 

You - and every other human being in the world - need three things in order to be fulfilled. You need to feel valued, you need to feel secure and you need to feel in control. These are the underlying motivators in everyone's life.

 

The best way to fulfil these motivations is to do-it-yourself. Ideally, day-to-day, we value ourselves and feel completely worthwhile, we are self-confident and self-secure, and so feel safe. We make our own decisions, make our own mark on life and so feel in control.

 

Unfortunately, that's only an ideal. Instead, most of us rely on others to fulfil our needs. As children, we rely on our parents - but as we grow up, we learn to be emotionally independent of family and to take friendships as they come.

 

Strangely, we don't tend to be emotionally self-sufficient around our partnerships. Instead we believe that a partner will value us, offer us security and generally make us feel on top of the world.

 

Self-fulfilment

 

No man, however wonderful, can meet our every need 24/7 forever - not only because he's not Superman, but also because he has needs too, which may conflict with ours. Also, no relationship, however committed, can deliver totally; not only because every relationship has its weak spots but also because in time every relationship hits problems.

 

We are inevitably going to end up, even if only for a while, feeling undervalued, insecure and out of control - bad about ourselves, our relationships and our lives.

 

The moral is this. Whether you are single or in a couple, the more you can provide for yourself emotionally, the happier you'll be. The more self-sufficient you are in terms of your inner needs, the more likely you are to be fulfilled in other areas of your life.

 

And this is where being single comes in.

 

Being single is the best possible opportunity to develop the ability to provide for yourself and foster emotional self-sufficiency. I'm not suggesting you don't have relationships, but being single for a while gives you the chance to learn to meet your own needs and be more content. Used properly, singledom is a unique emotional boot camp, and here's how to use it to best effect.

 

Valuing yourself

 

Single, you can learn to value yourself because you can't depend on a partner for approval and validation.

 

 

Step 1: Start becoming aware of what you like about yourself. Notice when you do well and when others praise or approve of you. If someone doesn't approve, mentally reassure yourself - think of things that you are proud of, to contradict their negativity.

Step 2: Actively be good to yourself, in small ways and big ways. Put yourself first when choosing what to eat, what to drink, what to do. Give yourself treats, be that a bubble bath or a weekend away. Choose to do what you like, what gives you pleasure. Enjoy the fact that, single, you don't need to negotiate on how to spend life day-to-day.

Step 3: Take yourself seriously. Write down what's important to you, the values you have that mean a lot to you. Particularly, think back to values that other people have - such as parents, friends, previous partners - that you disagree with. Resolve to drop these ideas and instead follow what you believe in. Then be proud of those values - they are what make you uniquely yourself.

 

Being self-secure

 

Single, you can learn to be emotionally secure within yourself - simply because you have no one else to rely on for stability.

 

 

Step 1: Find your limits. Become aware of what you can do, easily and effectively - from practical skills like computing through to emotional strengths such as being able to handle a crisis. Realise that being able to do these things means that in many situations, you can cope perfectly well on your own. From that, start building your sense of self-security.

Step 2: Boost your vulnerabilities. Where you have weak areas start building up your resources. If you know you're vulnerable to stress, learn how to handle it. If you're scared of not managing your job, ask for extra training and mentoring. Get information, knowledge and inspiration - through self help books, courses, even counselling - so you are able to cope with situations where you don't feel strong.

Step 3: Stretch yourself. The more you push your limits, the more secure you'll be inside because you'll know you can handle anything. Deliberately explore areas where you feel you may not cope. Do a firewalk, tackle the marathon, go on a drama course, take a sabbatical or swim with dolphins. If you feel you can't do it, do it - and you'll soon learn that you can do anything.

 

Learning to be in control

 

Single, you can learn to take control of your life, because you don't have to compromise in order to make a relationship work.

 

 

Step 1: Set your boundaries. Think through what you will put up with and accept in your life, and what you won't. In particular, become aware of how people around you - family, friends, partners - have pushed against you, persuaded you into things that you didn't really want to. Start now; in any situation however tiny, ask yourself what feels right to you - then do only that.

Step 2: Extend your power. Don't be someone who has to have control over others, but do start to believe that you have a right to influence. Start taking the lead - even in tiny things, such as organising a restaurant meal and inviting friends. Start making good things happen around you and you'll feel much more in control.

Step 3: Remake your situation. Take a cold hard look at your life; are you genuinely doing the job you want? Living in the house you want? Hanging out with the people you want? Maybe these things were right for you in the past; are they still? If not, get back in control by changing them - even if that's only a step at a time.

 

Onward and upward

 

The process will take time, we're not talking days here, or even weeks, you may need months or even a year or two of being seriously unpartnered before you feel you've reached the point where you are emotionally self-sufficient. So how do you know you're there?

 

 

You feel good about yourself overall. Sure you have off days, but underneath, you know you're an OK person

Your goals in life are clear, and they're yours, not goals others have set for you

You have a range of contacts, of interests and passions that you have chosen and that fulfil you

You don't need other people's agreement or approval in order to feel sure of yourself

Yes, you'd be gutted by a total disaster - but overall, you know you can handle almost anything that life can throw at you

You're living the life you want to live; you make accommodation for others, but you don't give in where it matters

You may welcome a relationship and be open to it - but you're not desperate for it or dependent on it. In short, you don't need love to make you happy

 

The magic twist

 

Mysteriously, when you reach this point, it's more than likely that something rather wonderful will happen. Because you've grown, because you're emotionally strong, you'll find that all sorts of other people will be attracted to you, and some of those people will fall in love with you. Being stronger, and more self-aware, you will find yourself much more able to know whether they are right for you, and if they are, to maybe fall in love with one of them back.

 

Your single life starts here - embrace it, and good luck!

 

Resource women.AOL