Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 Okay here is the situation. Went through some really horrible stuff a couple of months back which caused me to become depressed and started questioning if I love my boyfriend. I have been fine the last while. I decided he's the one I want to be with. I still love him so very much but this question keeps popping in my head of "do I really?". I don't want to lose him. I know I'd miss everything about him. I've read many of the falling out of love things and I don't fit into any of them. I'm not depressed when I go see him, I'm comfortable and happy with him. I'm hopeless depressed when I'm away from him. I don't want to be with another person. I just don't know how to get rid of these thoughts. They make me want to cry because I know what I want. Last night I had a dream that I was holding hands with another guy and I pushed the other guy away and ran back into his arms. I adore everything about my man, I wouldn't want him any other way. I'm just scared that I might ruin the best thing in my life. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 omigod That is SOOOOO what I'm going thru right now! You have NO idea how well you just described how I've been feeling. I've just real-real recently realised that these feelings are caused by my depression. When ever I'm WITH my family and husband, I get soooo freaked out and start questioning how I really feel about him. But when I'm alone, I get all nostalgic and romantic and think about all the things I love about him and how wonderful an addition to my life he's been. ](*,) I have decided to see a therapist because to me, these are some serious issues and I need a little extra help. Does your bf know you've been having these thoughts? I suggest cluing him in. Maybe he can help. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 I told him before. They had been in my thoughts WAY worse before. I started crying on my bed and I told him "I think I might break up with you" and he said "Do you want to?" and I told him "I don't, I honestly don't. I don't want anyone else. I'm still madly in love with you". He calmed me down and said "they are only thoughts". Its almost like this thought, even though its just a thought is making me question everything. I just want to be with him. I've read a recent post about a young wife who got married and she didn't love her husband. I don't want that to happen. I read how she was feeling though. How she said she never had sex with another man and how she didn't get to go live it up when she was younger. I don't care about those things. I honestly don't want to make love to another man. I go out with friends quite a bit. I just love him so much, and don't know how to get rid of these thoughts! Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 sometimes I just want something large to hit me over the head so I won't remember having that thought and reacting to it. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 what has your theraphist been saying? Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 I haven't seen one yet. I've just finally made the decision to see someone. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression before? Had any other similiar incidents or bouts with thoughts like this? Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 Well the thing I first came on here to post about was pryor to this incident. An ex abuser had tried to get in contact with me. This was when I first started to get afraid. I feared that I would run back into the arms of my abuser because when I was in this relationship, his mom was in a constant pursuit to keep us together. It was like she wouldn't let me leave and neither would he. This was the very first thing to set off insecurites really. After that I started going downhill. My ex was verbally abusive. When I started thinking about it more, the more I started getting really depressed with my physical appearance, and I felt like such a bad person. I also started to fear that my boyfriend would leave me (I have found out recently that I have abandonment issues). I still get that feeling sometimes because lately I feel I have put so much pressure on him because the issues I have been going through (not just in this part of my life, but my home life as well). I remember vividly the thoughts that led up to it. I was reading a short story about a man and the man reminded me of the abuser. I started freaking out and thinking about him. For some reason automatically when this happens I start thinking I was going to break up with my boyfriend (its happened 2before). I read a little more and there was another short story about an affair. I freaked out because a while before I thought my boyfriend was going to leave me for this girl he was friends with. So I freaked out a little more. This was really my fault because I am a very emotional person and allow them to control me to much. I let myself be angry at my boyfriend because of my own insecurities and in the midst of all the chaos in my household I was like "well maybe I don't love him and I love my abuser". This freaked me right out. And thats when this whole thing started. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 haha sorry I forgot to say I have been diagnosed with depression. My doctor wants me on meds but I'm a little weary of taking them. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 WM - It sounds to me like there may be a bit more going on than just depression. Medication has helped a ton of people. I think you should consider it a bit more. It's not for everyone so I understand your hesitation. But some things, such as depression, which is a chemical imbalance of the brain, can be easily remedied with a medication that re-balances the chemicals. Simple as that. Doesn't always work for sure, but there's really only one way to find out. Having nothing to do with this particular relationship, I think you should look into for yourself. Things CAN keep getiing worse ..... Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 Well I knew that all these things were affecting me aside from that. I talked it all out with my boyfriend when this first started happening. So we got alot accomplished in the first while when this happened. He helped me deal with my abuser. He's been there with me all the way through these turbulent times. It just made me upset that the thought didn't disappear. I was afraid of taking the meds because of side effects. But I was always wondering if they would work and help me get back on track. I mean I am in the best relationship I've ever been in. I'm head over heels for this guy and I don't want to give him up. I started talking to a councellor about the things that happened in my past so that has helped quite a bit. I just want to get better. What about you? I would like to hear more of your story. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 Oh - mine's boring and stress related. I'm a stay at home mom - and I don't think I was ever meant to be......sooooo resentments build, stress is high, I start to blame my husband, think I hate him etc... BUT all these stresses and feelings cause chemical changes in the brain. That knowledge has been my only saving grace. I know it's chemical - which is why I can't control it but knowing that helps me realise I may not be able to do it on my own. There may be side effects WM - but if there are, you'll know fairly quickly and you can stop taking them at any time. Just make SURE you communicate any and ALL changes to your Dr. It's not always a horrible idea - esp if it helps. If you're getting better with talk therapy tho - keep that up! That MAY be all you'll need..... Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 I never thought about it that way before. I figure it was all me doing it, but then I seriously didn't understand why I got such a brutal reaction. I mean my family has been through a lot of stress these last few months. My dad is on a political hotseat and is always being bashed and called down. So there is tons of stress at home. There are a couple of issues I've been having with my sibilings. My brother got drunk once when I was home alone and almost hit me. The abandonment issues I had with thinking my boyfriend would leave me for another girl. And the ex abuser coming after me. Plus school, exams. I suppose there was a lot of pressure happening in my life. And even though I know my own thoughts and feelings and have righted the problems I believed caused them. I am still chemically embalanced. I think I'll take in my perscription today and get the pills. I'll going to show them and talk to my councellor about them first. Just so she knows what is going on. Those last few words helped so much. Thank you. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 I forgot to ask you how long have you and your husband been together for? Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted April 22, 2007 Author Share Posted April 22, 2007 I don't want to ruin my relationship. I love him so much. But I'm scared I don't know what to think. Sometimes it feels like I can control it and I am fine and then other times I'm going out of my mind, kind of like you said. Link to comment
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