Tired of feeling like this

[StephenP59]

Its been over a year since my ex left me. In that time I have turned my life around in every way possible, its been the toughest, hardest thing I've ever had to do. I have implented NC for most of that time and have not had any real contact in a year. Despite all this I still miss her, I still love her and I deep down I am very lonely. I am tired of feeling like this of constantly battling thoughts of challenging my negative thoughts, having dreams of her. She is still the first thing I think of most mornings I am so ashamed of myself of carrying this weight around with me, outside I am all smiles but inside I long to be with her, I know this is pointless and would never work, but sometimes the hope is enough. All my efforts and I find I cannot just switch off and have no feelings, I've not met anyone like her since, not had a connection with another person like her, I am deeply worried that I will end up alone.

 

The thing is everyone around me tells me wonderful things about myself, things which I could only dream about 2 years ago, but this self-improvement has only filled a small gap I would sacrifice it all if I could be happy again, truly happy which I have not felt for a long long time. I fantasize about meeting up with her, even though I know it to be a fruitless endeavour, I am beginning to think I am maybe a bad person, I concientiously try to lead a good life and I strongly believe in living each day with your heart open; but maybe the reason I am trying so hard is because there is something inherently bad about me, my ex knew this. I know it is easy to be cynical and pessimistic but I valiantly try and pursue a truthful optimism - so why do I deep down feel a loss that is unretainable. I just need someone to reach out, hole me and tell me everything is going to be alright, cos I'm not so sure anymore.

 

 

Thank you for your patience

[Jetta]

I think a lot of worry about ending up alone, at least I know I do. I'm realizing that unless we really choose to be single forever we won't be. It also sounds like you have a bit of depression. Go see a therapist and get some medication. It'll help you through this dark period your in.

[StephenP59]

I saw a therapist last year but I m very determined not to talk to anyone about it, I need to deal with it on my own, I have realised that as people we are always separate from each other and that true empathy/understanding is impossible. I dont see myself as depressed but perhaps it has come back to me - to be honest I can't see how to improve my situation the things that are distressing to me are beyond my control - so i let them go, I just at the moment cannot let HER go. I feel abnormal like I should be over her, like I am weak.

[deelove2010]

Go and join a GYM have them devise a plan for ya, try and go 3 times a week and try and eat properly set yourself a goal, believe me brother, I'm 29yrs of age I was feeling really depressed after the breakup and my friends told me and reading on this forum that going to the gym will help battle the depression and I have to say it does!

 

Its the best thing I have done

[zippitt]

The problem with loneliness is you must accept the fact that you or anyone you know could be alone for the rest of your life. Until you can find a way to be happy on your own you will always find that void can only be filled by another. In a sense that is a form of codependency, you might not have always been there, but it sounds like that is where you are now.

 

Stop putting your ex on a pedestal; she is a normal person, no better than you and I. You need to alter your thinking, it can be tricky, but any time you have a negative thought force your mind to focus on the positive aspect. It might be a deception, but the ultimate goal is to train your mind to be happy with who you are and the decisions you make regardless if you are in a relationship or not.

 

Once you learn that happiness can be gained by being alone you can be yourself again, and only then, should you consider dating. Being in any relationship with your current state of mind is bad news.

 

Sorry for the tough love man, I only say this because I am in the same spot forcing the changes. I have spent the last three nights crying, only now after some realization are things starting to feel better.

 

Best of luck

[terk2021]

I saw a therapist last year but I m very determined not to talk to anyone about it, I need to deal with it on my own, I have realised that as people we are always separate from each other and that true empathy/understanding is impossible. I dont see myself as depressed but perhaps it has come back to me - to be honest I can't see how to improve my situation the things that are distressing to me are beyond my control - so i let them go, I just at the moment cannot let HER go. I feel abnormal like I should be over her, like I am weak.

 

 

Stephen,

 

I can relate my friend. Don't beat yourself up. You are human. The 1st 4 months after my ex broke my heart and canceled our wedding, I was shattered. I could care less about work, friends, family, anything and everything else around me. It all meant nothing without her. I felt like I had everything in the world and watched it all crash around me.

 

I chased, and succeeded twice getting her back in my life, only for 2 short time periods ending in her asking for a break each time. It made me chase harder, because I thought I still had the ability to win back the love of my life.

 

Fast forward to now, I still have bad days, and I know I will continue to have them. I have been in NC for about 2 months now, outside of a few petty text messages she asked me stupid questions like "can I get your old maids number", and "do you have my passport". She knew full well I did not have her passport. It was just checking to make sure I was still falling apart and to see if I still loved her. Well, I do, but it does not change things. I have moved forward, 1 step at a time. Sometimes I fall down, but I have to get back up and keep going.

 

I share this story with you, to let you know I can relate. It does not change what you are going through, but I am writing to you as someone who feels very similar pain.

 

I posted this a few nights ago while I was on a business trip. I hope some of the words from this post may help you. Remember, all of us here at enotalone are here to help.

 

Terk

 

 

[StephenP59]

Zippo - thanks for the response. The thing is I have done everything right, I am very independent, I understand that I am responsible for my actions and mine alone and I cannot control anyone else, I believe myself to be a well-rounded individual I have goals I have grown as a person without her, I am better without her, but I am not happier without her. I sincerely thought I could be, but because I do know what it is like to be in a close relationship and to be without that is very hard to accept. I know that to go back would not work and it is better to be on my own than to be with anyone who does appreciate me, and I am not willing to waste energy on that person. I had faith that being on your own could equate to an equivalent happiness that you get from being with another person. This is not the case, every triumph I achieve falls short in comparison to having someone beside you who would do anything for you and you do anything for them. If I were to lead a life with this missing no matter how personally fulfilling that life was, I would deem it to be ultimately meaningless- without love that transcends 'self improvement' or living your life to the full. In truth I am probably as happy as I can be on my own - and this is what disturbs me and fills me with dread, does anyone else feel this way?

[zippitt]

I feel that way now man. I have been in quite a few relationships where the love was all there and great in the beginning. I know what that happiness is like. But I also know that each time I have lost it, I regained it again with someone else.

 

Some of us, probably me included have to work harder at things in regards to relationships. I have been on a rollercoaster after each one of my exes.

 

I believe that you can be happy alone, relationships add a new dimension to your happiness, but this isn't the same as adding to it. You really can't be deader than dead. Happiness is some what similar and not to be confused with elation. You are either happy or you are not. Relationships are in and out, never guaranteed, not even with marriage. So while this might not be the best encouragement, know that the problem you are having is the way you are thinking and it CAN be changed.

 

But I think it takes different approaches for different people.

 

A good friend of mine who is married with kids and loves his wife said to me, "I get lonely all the time". The fact is we are all still alone, because we are individuals and no one is exactly like us. I have lost relationships because I was empty and alone even when the person was very much in love with me. But my loneliness turned into depression and selfishness.

 

So you can either be unhappy and alone in your head or happy and fulfilled with whom you are.

 

I know some of this may sound like trash, but I did use this line of thinking before and it helped me be happy for some time. Of course once I started dating again I stopped thinking in this fashion and the old me came back.

 

You can get through it and because you want to you will, when and how is always the question.

[Amanda80]

Please deal with your grief appropriately- talk to a therapist if you feel you are having problems moving on- seriously. If you don't deal with it well- the grief will "pop up" in a later relationship- causing you to get stuck & not allowing you to progress the relationship b/c of your fear- (if happens to men alot- they think that they are weak & they will get through the grief on their own, but the fact is they are not as fortunate as women and may repress it a causing them problems in their following relationships.) Women are fortunate b/c all they talk about is the grief & processing it appropriately most of the time.

 

I wouldn't want to see this happen to you. I want your next relationship (because you WILL have a next relationship- it's just a matter of time) to progress well without you getting stuck b/c of fear of getting hurt from your previous relationship.

 

Take care & hang in there- i know how much you are hurting.

[finewhine]

I am probably as happy as I can be on my own - and this is what disturbs me and fills me with dread.

 

Totally untrue. You're recovering from a horrible, life-altering event. You're not as happy as you can be on your own.

 

Yeah, I GUESS in an ideal romantic fantasy, everyone is giving equally and it's blissfully happy and blah blah, but the truth is, relationships are extremely difficult, and if you or your ex girlfriend wasn't willing to put in the effort to maintain one, you weren't in one of those relationships. And what people say about being happy alone is very, very true. You need to be happy alone. Heck, I'm happy alone. I lurve being alone.

 

Why a year later? How long did y'all date? I'm not being too hard on you, since I'm ten months out of my 3.5 year rel. and I just now am just about moved on and healed, but...

 

Oh, and what's this self-improvement stuff you're talking about? Why don't you tell us what you've done - maybe you worked on the wrong stuff? Haha, just kidding.

[StephenP59]

Thanks for the replies - I suppose I was having a blip in my healing, it is weird when the low patches get further and further apart the more it catches you off guard. It was a 3 and a half year relationship. I guess the self improvement thing has just been my own totally pro-active approach to healing, going NC, from day one I forced myself to get out there and meet people, I exercised, I exceeded professionally, I have been on trips, I have turned into a positive person , I have volunteered, I have moved into a big city, I have 2 great jobs which challenge me in, I am very independent - and all the other healing cliches(!). I guess the frustrating thing is I am ten times the man I was and yet I haven't met that special someone who notices me. Deep down I still carry around parting words that my ex would say to me - we're soulmates, when we get back together once I've finished my course.... etc etc. I dont suppose she knew she was leading me on but its like the tiniest thread keeping me tied back - once I find someone whom I share a meaningful connection with once again I truly believe that will be the final stage.