An interesting comeback....its been 2 years.

[shorty4ever2]

Hey enotalone members. I used to be a member here years ago. My sn was shorty4ever15--i lost the pw and dont know what email addy i had then. I see a couple of faces i've seen in the past.

 

Wow, its been a long time. First off, so many of you on this board are deserving of a big thank you. As some of you may already know, I went through a pretty serious bout of depression around the beginning of 2005, and several members of this board helped me out.

 

Well, where to begin. I guess I should start with my background. Basically, I fell in love with my best friend years back only to come to terms later that an intimate relationship with him could never happen as he is not gay. Here is my original post on my story, its long so sorry for that but it was from my heart and a good read really so bare with me http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=99533

 

Let's see. I am 21 years old now and a lot of things have changed. I am no longer in a state of serious depression. If anything i might consider it mild and only at times now. I still have yet to have an intimate relationship with anybody so that sucks, but i keep busy so i really dont give my mind a chance to think about it much. I've questioned my sexuality so many times that I honestly have no idea what i am any more. Gay, straight, bi, I just dont know. Sexuality is such a complicated thing, really. I would probably be considered asexual over anything. I fantasize about guys, but only certain guys, and yet I still find certain girls very attractive. Sexually, i would lean more towards guys, but i wouldn't throw a hot women out of bed as I have never been with anyone so i have no clue. Its kinda weird.

 

As for my friend--My best friend (the one in the story) found out that i might be gay. Basically, I told one person, another friend at the time, and he relayed it to my best friend, but when he told him, he also told him that I liked him. So he got really freaked out and basically cut me out of his life for a good 6 months. We never talked about it, he never said I hate you or anything, we just never talked about it, and he did his own thing without me. Little did I know, this was prolly the best thing to ever happen to me. With what was going through my mind, I eventually learned to let him go. Once I did that, my life got a hell of a lot better. But anyway, one night, I put a pretty nasty away message up on AIM indirectly aimed at him, and apparently he checked my profile from time to time so he read it. The next morning I got a nasty email from him, but not just like bashing nasty, like a harsh reality check. Well, I shot back at him and told him firstly and most importantly, that he was a friend and nothing more, i did not have feelings for him and didn't want anything else from him. It was a lie yes, but i knew it could never happened so I excepted the consequences of telling him this--I just wanted my best friend back. All in all I learned that he didn't hate me, he was oringally just freaked out over the fact that he thought i liked him. He is strongly against homosexuality so it was tough for him to relate. A few more months went by with only a few odd words here and there, and i dont know, but i think it just hit him. One night he called me up saying how he missed always having someone to talk to about anything, and from then on, we've been great friends. To this day, he is the only person I have talked to openly about my sexuality issues. And he is perfectly fine with it. gay or straight he'll always be there.

 

As for me now. As I was saying, I have no clue whether I'm gay, straight, bi, i just dont know. But I'm not beating myself up over it anymore, I'm just going on with my life, on my own. I guess I am essentially running from my problems, but i'm doin decent right now, and i dont want to lose that. Relationship-wise, I've still never been with anybody. I've never even kissed anybody, how pathetic is that. I just dont know what to do. As i was telling my best friend a couple weeks ago, am i completely straight, well no, I definitely find some guys hot, but im still not convinced im completely gay either. I have ONLY EVER been able to relate to males, so i think it is a false sense of attraction i'm feeling. And I've never done anything with a female to counteract those feelings--or been with a guy to confirm those feelings. I dont know what it feels like to be intimate with someone and that kills me, yet I don't ever seem to do anything about it. It's like I'm just sitting there watching everybody go to everybody, and i just sit there waiting for someone to come to me and they never do. I know that I need to take action, but im a wimp when it comes to things like that, some things never change, and I can't confront anybody...period. Let alone confront a gay person, or ask someone if they're interested. It sucks, it really does, I have the key to the door, but i cant open it. Why does it seem like so many people just magically find that one person on their doorstep one day except me? Why can't it be that easy?

 

Im sorry for such a long post again, but I really appreciate it and appreciate any responses. I hope to become an active poster again as this is such a wonderful forum.

[Cadence308]

HI shorty, I remember you posting on this site back in the day. Thanks for the update. I'm still on here sometimes.

 

Why does it seem like so many people just magically find that one person on their doorstep one day except me? Why can't it be that easy?

 

 

Your questions are good ones and I was wondering the same thing today. I had a girlfriend for a while just this past year and it was my first serious relationship with anyone, ever. I had kissed guys, but nothing more. She's been living with stage 4 terminal breast cancer for 3 years and there were so many issues with our relationship. We've been broken up for 7 months now. I've been struggling with my feelings for the woman who I originally began posting about on this site. I've just been struggling with wondering how one can find someone who loves and accepts them.

 

You sound a lot like how I feel...lonely, maybe. Also, I'm scared of opening up to people about my feelings for fear of rejection. It seems like the worst thing in the world to me.

 

It's great that things are finally working out with your best friend. My biggest concern for you is that you don't have a gay/bi social support system. It's great that you can confide in your best friend, but it's really different when you are confiding in someone who lives that kind of lifestyle. Have you thought about going to a gay club or joining a gay group just to meet men? It sounds like you are too afraid to take risks and I think it would help with the loneliness.

[shorty4ever2]

Hey Ballys, good to talk to you again. Glad to see your still around, and glad to hear that you were able to have a relationship with someone--unfortunately, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

 

...scared of opening up to people about my feelings for fear of rejection. It seems like the worst thing in the world to me.

 

Heh....how true, it's almost as if it came right out of my mouth. Only my fear isn't just held at rejection, its confrontation in general. I have problems talking to anybody about anything. It makes for some rough times only holds me back, I know, but it seems like no matter what I do, it ends up for the worse.

 

It's great that things are finally working out with your best friend. My biggest concern for you is that you don't have a gay/bi social support system. It's great that you can confide in your best friend, but it's really different when you are confiding in someone who lives that kind of lifestyle. Have you thought about going to a gay club or joining a gay group just to meet men? It sounds like you are too afraid to take risks and I think it would help with the loneliness.

 

Thanks for the input, and honestly I really don't have a good support system at all--and for the most part it all falls on my hands. It's great knowing that me and my best friend still are such great friends, even knowing that he knows i'm struggling with my sexuality. Once that came to light, it really helped build my confidence.....unfortunately, my confidence was so broken down, that I still have no confidence in my lifestyle. As for gay clubs or gay groups, for one I honestly don't know of anything like that within the area, and the other, it comes down to the whole taking risks thing you mentioned. I couldn't force myself to go to something like that even if it was readily available.

 

As I said earlier, the loneliness thing all comes on my shoulders, I know what steps need to be taken to fix it, but i can't take the steps. I just keep sitting back hearing how gay individuals always seem to stumble accross that one person. I know it really doesn't happen as much as it seems sometimes, but I just keep waiting for that one person to stumble accross. Unfortunately, i'm wasting my life away all alone, waiting for something that may never come if I dont take a chance. It all seems like a no-win situation really, but sometimes you just have to take the loss with as little pain as possible, and at this point in time with my mindset the way it is, that seems to be just be alone and wait it out since im more scared of rejection and confrontation more than anything. It's weird because I would give ANYTHING just to be with someone, male or female, yet I can't even face my own life thats layed out in front of me.

[Makedamnsure]

Wow, thats pretty much exactly how I feel. I've had small relationships with girls that never lasted(and one with a guy...), but none of them worked out. Theres one person I met who for some reason or another, I think is the only person I can be happy with. The only thing is he is straight, so I know that will never work out. I haven't seen him for about 8 months now, and I still think about him pretty much everyday. Except I don't exactly long for him anymore, he just seems to be a memory, but whenever I think about him I just feel happier.

 

I'm absolutely terrified about coming out, because I live in a small town, and I'm quite scared of everyone's reactions. I dunno, I realize that theres a possibility that they will accept me and everything, but I still don't feel like I'm comfortable with it myself. I feel like I'm my worst enemy, because I can't seem to accept that fact that I have feelings for men.

 

I dunno, I feel like I will just be alone forever, cause I'm way to shy to just ask people on dates, man or women. I know I have to take control, but my motivation has been broken down with depressive thoughts about how the feelings I have are wrong. I think I'm sort of getting used to the feelings, but I have no idea on what I'm going to do in the future. I'm kind of just waiting it out to see what happens.

 

 

Anyways, it was nice to hear that things are starting to turn out for you (I'm so jeleous that you have something to talk to about it ), and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

[Cadence308]

shorty, I am working on building up my support system. It helped that I was in a relationship with a woman, but after we broke up it was really hard. I was seeing a counselor, trying to deal with all of it. I met a friend on tangowire, which is a lesbian dating site. We actually met for coffee this past weekend. She is crushing on someone and I am crushing on someone. She is older than me and has her life together. I talked to her for about an hour tonight and I think her and I can become good friends.

 

Have you tried to see if there's any online dating sites that you could try to meet other guys or girls on, for that matter? I have dated people online for a long time. Even back when I was dating men, that's how I met most of them. It takes the confrontation out of asking someone out. I think it could help you work on your self-confidence.

[shorty4ever2]

Have you tried to see if there's any online dating sites that you could try to meet other guys or girls on

 

I've looked, but never with any luck. And as much as it would make it easier, I still dont think I could do it. Heh, Im pathetic, i know. As much as I've convinced myself of a no label's lifestyle, I still dont know what i want. I tried therapy a couple years back and the therapist suggested i was in a state of asexuality, with no preference either way--thats about the truth too. It really sucks, nice guys finish last. I just dont understand sometimes why things happen the way they do. I would do anything for anyone, and if they stabbed me in the back, im one to help them out again and again. Its just my nature, but i always end up getting burnt. Why can't it just be as simple as going out to a bar, finding a girl to like, having a family, having kids, and living with a wonderful family. Instead I'm a 21 year old guy who keeps falling in love and crushing on guys that i never have a chance with. I guess I've never really been close enough to any girls to have a crush on...i dunno. I still find many of them attractive, but my crushes have all been guys.

 

So confusing....lol.

 

~shorty

[Cadence308]

shorty, you really feel about how I feel about love right now. I have a profile on a lesbian dating site. I met my ex girlfriend on there. Recently, this woman in my city started emailing me, then we chatted on the phone and met last week for coffee. She's not my type and I'm not attracted to her, but I enjoy talking to her and it's a friend, which is what I really need right now; a friend who understands what it's like to be with another woman and whom I can be myself around. Anyway, this past weekend I was really depressed and told her that every time I fall for someone it's never reciprocated and part of me has given up trying because I always feel like I'm rejected by those that I am in love with. She told me that's really sad and that I'm a cutie! When I like someone I will do anything for that person and it takes me literally forever to get over that person. I hate it!

 

It really sounds like after some rejection you are afraid to get out there and try to meet guys or whoever for a relationship. It sounds like you've given up. I think I may be somewhat asexual, as well. I have only been with one person and that was this summer and I told my therapist I could take or leave sex and she thought that was weird. I don't seem to sexually desire other people.

 

The best advice I have is the advice I'm trying to use myself...keeping busy, focusing on myself and my career, and hoping that love will find me. You are still young...21 is not that old. I had my first relationship at 28, so there's time for you.

[shorty4ever2]

...keeping busy, focusing on myself and my career, and hoping that love will find me.

 

That is soooo my life right there.

 

Hopefully that one person does come into my life sooner or later, and I just hope to god im strong enough to recognize it and not run like I normally do.