erectile dysfunction. Please help, very upset :(

[Ash12]

I split up with my ex girlfriend in January as she was very mentally abusive to me and I left her for a very good friend of mine. My new GF is wonderful, funny and I find her extremely attractive and sexy. In short she is everything which I could ask for in a partner and I love her so much. I would happily spend the rest of my life with her.

 

The trouble is that I am unable to keep an erection once we start having sex. As soon as I penetrate her I seem to lose complete interest and although my new girlfriend says she’s ok with this I feel really bad about it and very humiliated. As well as this she thinks that the problem is her.

 

I went to see the doctors about this and I have had blood tests. Apparently there is nothing physically wrong with me. I’m athletic, don’t smoke, drink little and I am not over weight. I was prescribed drugs to help me gain and maintain an erection which is the only way I can have full penetrative sex and climax with her (I haven’t told her about this). However, I can masturbate and reach climax when I’m alone.

 

I’m currently at college doing a very intense course (which I hate) which stresses me out a lot and we only get to see each other at weekends so we try to do as much as we can.

 

Up to 3 months ago I had a huge sexual appetite with my previous girlfriend but now I try to avoid sex because I’m so scared that I’ll fail in the bedroom department. As a consequence my sex drive has dipped. When having sex, the more I try not for it to happen the more it does. I’ve been with this amazing woman for 3 months and the problem is just not going away.

 

I really love this girl and the relationship could potentially go very far but I’m so upset and I’m at the end of my tether. The problem has gotten that big in my head that I’m considering breaking up with her because I feel like I’m failing her and I don’t deserve her.

 

I feel tormented over this problem and I don’t know what to do about it. Could someone please offer advice because I’m very very upset about it and feel awful. If anyone else has had a similar problem could you please tell me how you resolved it because I am at my wits end.

 

Thank you

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA Ash12, great to have you here man!

 

I see two sides to your post here and I will attempt to provide insight to each here:

 

1) Your sexual problem is normal and it is all in your head. It has happened to me before too in a similar situation. Same thing...normal blood tests, athletic, don't smoke/drink, young, etc.

 

The fear and the stress are creating this situation for you, compounded by the fact you are in a transition period from your ex to your new girlfriend and as such the transition of your sex drive. I believe there are residual effects from the break up being manifested in your problem here, some deeper grief perhaps rooted in the abuse that is contributing here as well. That will go away with time on its own and as such will this source of the problem.

 

I think you simply need to relax and forget about worrying about this. I do understand how you feel humiliated and your girlfriend feels like it is her fault. I bet if you both accepted the situation and built other aspects of your relationship outside of the bedroom, this problem would improve or go away. Some counseling might help you to that end. It resolved in my case very quickly after that...

 

Your option with medication seems to be working for you. No one needs to know about this and you needn't feel like less of a man for going this route. I say this because you don't need this medication to get the job done. Is someone considered weak for taking aspirin for a headache? Similar situation here...you don't need it but it helps.

 

2) The other side of this (and perhaps contributing to your problem as well), is the fact that after 3 months of dating, you are so sure about this new woman! This is not only the time where this could be a rebound, considering your last relationship, but it is also the honeymoon phase of your new relationship. You have only seen the surface of this new relationship and are still very much getting to know her on an intimate level.

 

Saying "you would happily spend the rest of your life with her" is quite a big step at this point. Keep this in perspective here and doing so will likely remove some of the stigmata associated with how great she is, how great you guys are together, and subsequently how greatly you must satisfy her.

 

I think your statement of desire here is putting pressure on you, that this "must work" because it is so wonderful, when really this potential fact is still being established.

 

As such, the tendency in situations like this is to lose yourself in the relationship. I urge you to maintain and continue to develop your life and sources of happiness outside of this relationship. Take it off the pedestal here and the pressure will soon follow. Such passions, such escapes from not only the relationship but outlets for your stress and worry, will relieve your pressure, anxiety, and help you maintain a healthy perspective on where this relationship fits in your life.

[Dara]

The signs are all there hon.

You can climax alone- the prob. is not physical, so it must be psychological.

Your last gf was mentally abusive. - Did she insult your performance in bed? You might be fearing failure with your new woman and psyching yourself out. And once you've failed once it becomes a vicious cycle.

So to break the cycle you have to stop psyching yourself out. Just relax, its sex its supposed to be fun!

[Bionic_Agent]

You said you can masturbate and climax when you're alone but didn't say if you were hard. Are you erect when you're climaxing alone? If you are, it is certainly an issue connected to your mood and confidence.

[Ash12]

friscodj - thanks for the words man, it went a long way with me and I feel better for speaking about it and having some advice from someone who's been in a similar situation. Hopefully I can get my head together and get this damn problem sorted out.

 

In terms of mental abuse, my ex GF had a very promiscuous past (not that I held it against her, it was before she met me) but she would drop things into he conversation about how this person could do this etc... you get the idea.

She hated me having any sort of life outside of seeing her and would make my life hell if I wanted to meet up with my friends or my family.

It got to the stage were I stopped sociallising with people because she would get paranoid that "people were talking about her" or "looking at her funny", even though these were communal friends and they would never do such things.

It got to the stage were she demanded that I buy Cocaine for her just because she was bored on a sunday afternoon.

 

There are far too many red flags to mention about this relationship to go into but that's just a taster - in the end I left.

 

She wants to get back together with me because "I was the best thing which ever happened to her" and she regrets the way she was.

 

However, I go off on a tangent. I'm very much into my new GF who is warm, kind and one of my best friends.

It's horrible that I can't have sex with her without the aid of medication but I'm taking everyones words on board (especially friscodj) to resolve this.

 

Oh and for the record - yes I can achieve a full erection and climax when I am alone masturbating.

[friscodj]

Hey Ash-

 

The more I read of your story, the more I think you will be fine, in time, as the dust settles from your past relationship and you simply stop trying so hard and holding on too tightly to the present course of events.

 

It is not uncommon for men to be unable to achieve an erection for weeks, months, even longer after a abusive and/or devastating break up. I've been there, friends have been there. The grief, the pain, the memories all wear you down and tweak your mindset. Sometimes it is due to emotional and/or physical fatigue from all this, other times it is the "I hate the opposite sex" syndrome, other times (likely in your case here), it is a physical manifestation of the deep-seated effects of the past, namely, how your ex treated you.

 

With all that said, the ex needs to be gone. Don't talk to her or even read or receive any contact from her until much later when all of this is comfortable to you. You know she is no good for you and in light of the effects she is having on your current relationship, it is absolutely necessary to do this.

 

From there, you just need time. Things will start working again on their own, without medication. Therapy might help, but time is most important.

 

Also, as I said before, maybe easing your grip on both this problem and the seriousness of the current relationship will take you very far as well. This woman you are with now may very well not be all you think she is now and the fit you have together might not be what you think either. Time will do its thing there too, and 3 months is too short in my opinion to be making lifelong commitments to her, even if in your own head.

 

So like I said before, this is all very much in your head, with the erectile problem and with your eagerness to believe this new relationship is the be-all end-all for you. Time will do its thing in both cases.

 

In the mean time, while time is doing its thing, you can do your thing by first showing your ex the curb and secondly by enjoying the time you are sharing with this new woman and what you guys do have and are capable of vs. what you are not.