my wife wants to seperate

[shaw]

i have been married for 16 years and love my wife very much i also have 2 kids one 12 & one 5 she is great with the kids. i found out a week ago she wan'ts to separate she won't say why. i suspect she is confused and is not shure if she loves me anymore. i know there is no other guy involved. she has always had depression problems and takes medication for them. i just love her and the kids so much and need them. what do i do?

[eclipse]

Wow, have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe you can surprise her and find someone to take care of your children and go on vacation for a week or two, maybe re-ignite the flame. I mean 16 years is a heck of a lot of time to be together to just toss out the window. Or maybe just take the whole family on vacation, you really need to try something.

[shaw]

i have tried to get her to go to marrage consuling she said she thought about that. as far as taking the family away last feb i saved up and surprised them all with a trip to disneyland? im lost

[Princess777]

Shaw,

 

That is so unfortunate. I suggest number one you tell her that you love her very much and that you have no intention of letting her go that easy! Then I would ask her if she would please go to a different doctor and get a second opinion on the medication she is taking for her depression. Definitely get marriage counseling!!!! Don't give up whatever you do.... that is too long to just throw away when there is really no reason given. I was married for almost 11 years once, he cheated on me though is why we split up. I was devastated at the loss of time and the failure..... it is awful to go through even when there is a good reason to split. I would also take her to quiet places and talk to her, and try to get her to open up and talk to you, about anything at all. Ask a lot of questions and, even though you might know a lot about her, maybe there's still something that happened in her past she's not telling you that has caused her depression. Having been married most of my life, I can tell you some common problems I experienced before: Boredom, physical tiredness, and being emotionally drained. The everyday stresses are very common and sometimes people just want to give up. Some questions to ask yourself: Have you asked her what she plans on doing? Are you spontaneous with her? (The surprise trip was great!)... Do you two have good chemistry? Do you help out with the kids and the housework? That was a HUGE thing for me that drove me nuts before!!! Just some ideas I'm throwing out there. I sure hope you can work it out!!!!

Princess777

[shaw]

thank that helps some. i don't help alot with things around the house but i work so much to make enough money so they all have the things they want. i guess that would help but i really thing that one day she woke up and desided that she just didn't love me anymore or she's not shure. she want's to go party with all of her devorced friends no to decide if thats what she whants i guess i just dont think this is a good way to make up her mind. don't get me wrong i have always let her go out when ever she want's to i take care of the kids just want her to have fun. i just keep thinking what did i do wrong?

[Ccian]

Ok, check out this web site, link removed.. i think that is the site, i got a book there to help me save my relationship. It helped alot, i am not going to tell u its saved right now, but we are talking and spending time trying to fix what went wrong. This woman was hating me, told me she did not love me any more. Well as of last week she wanted me back and said i was the love of her life. the book is called, Stop your divorce or lovers rejection when your the only one who wants too. Its an e-book,,,, me and my ex did not talk for almost two months, this process has taken about 4 months. from the day we broke up to the day she told me she wanted me back. Good luck.. feel free to private message me if you have any more questions.

[Princess777]

Shaw,

I doubt that she just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love you anymore... there's more to it than that. Is she a lot younger than you (hence the running around).... and I would venture to say that her medication has more to do with it than you both think.... Please try to convince her to go get another opinion on her medication, and share your concerns with her doctor - maybe he/she will call her and tell her that she needs to come in! I was on some prescription medicine in my twenties for several years, different kinds, for chronic headaches that were also used for anti-depressants and other things but some had bad effects on me, I was tired all the time, never wanted to have sex, was argumentative, was a real b*tch, and hated life!!! It was truly awful. I can't believe I stayed on them for so long. I finally quit taking all of them, and I got pretty sick for about a week but I have a lot less headaches now and I actually am able to love now. Read some articles on this site and the one that the other person suggested and I hope all of this helps you!!! It's so tragic that she is doing this to you.... it sounds like you might possibly be a workaholic??? That is SO hard for wives... she is human and needs you around more, it sounds like. Money cannot replace that. Let us know how you're progressing!

Princess777

[katana]

Shaw - my brother -

 

Sorry to hear this - anyone reading this thread can feel for you very much.

 

First - know that no one "loses" love for the other. There is always thoughts and heart-felt stuff there -deep stuff that never goes away. If we could all have the strength to snap our fingers and somehow mentally, emotionally "wait it out" - I think we would see that if we gave the best type of support to those "that don't know anymore", it would give people a breather to really consider what they are doing and after clear-headed consideration, the conclusions would be that they really did have it good. Especially when you start adding up the years together, the children, the experiences, the house...

 

What fails us is that we all get too desperate in our fears and thoughts [myself included, I promise] and then ending up pushing the other away by doing too much with an unnatural amount of affection. The other feels like an octopus is trying to hold on and just shuts down.

 

What I am suggesting to you is to keep positive thoughts in your head at all times - they will serve you very very well. Think, hope, pray that you will get through this with her. Play a lot with your kids. Don't work so hard - this is a wake up call in some respects. Show, don't just talk.

 

I truly believe that if she sees ALL the positive energy from you, she will regain the interest level. We all pick up this energy subconsciously. So always keep positive and happy - actually feel it - feel the "lightness". Your positive energy, feelings and actions will attact her.

 

Now there is the depressive side of her that you need to manage being around as well. Others have suggested that maybe even different doctors or different medications could work.

 

Also, my opinion on councling is that you pick these people well - you should interview them before bringing in your wife. Many are there to help you break up finally. Some are there to hear You say, "I want to save this, can you help". Find ones that are happily married, by the way. Not the divorced, disfunctional-relationship ones - you'll be able to tell. I've seen em' and am warning you. Councling works when YOU and YOUR WIFE AGREE that you want to keep it together...and the councelor has actually successfully helped other couples.

 

The other thing I highly suggest is that you, yourself go through Councling - secretely even. No one needs to know. This will really help you identify with yourself and get fresh, objective perspective on how you come accross to others. The insight you will gain will be valuable in keeping the positive, light-ness to your own life.

 

We're all here - keep engaging, asking questions.... you'll be helping us through our issues as well.

[shaw]

thanks i'm really mestup and i guess more worried about my problems than hers i'm gonna have to try harder. it's just not knowing whats wrong she has no idea herself. thanks for all your help everyone but it looks like soon ill have to move out and will have no access to this site. really thanks it's nice to know there are people out there that care enough to try and help.