Past killing me inside

[Oriana]

There must be other threads talking about this same thing, but I just need to talk about it, even knowing that is kind of stupid and that I must let the past where it belong - in the past.

 

My boyfriend and I are together for 6 months now and we're engaged and very happy. It's like we were meant to be together. The two of us had other relationships before, but they didn't go that well and both had some bad experiences.

 

I'm a very open person, so from the beggining I always told him everything about me and we used to talk about sex. And that's the problem. He told me a little about his experiences with his ex - and that was ok - but then he told me about another girl he made sex one night, just a casual thing. That was a bit of a shock, because he always told me that he couldn't do such thing, but then he did it. It's not a big deal actually, lot's of people do that and he did that before he even know that I existed.

 

Anyway, I can't take it off of my head. And every time he says something about having sex with people we don't know and how he wouldn't do that it makes me sick, like he was being an hipocrite and I always find some bad thing to say to him. Of course that's not fair to him. First of all it's none of my business and second he's ashamed of that himself because he don't even know why he did that. I suppose it's natural if you're a single guy having fun in a party and then a pretty girl comes and almost eats you alive.

 

But the worst thing is when we're having sex. Specially if we're doing it standing like he told me he did with her (I asked him to tell me everything, like some masochist instint of something). I have that need to do it exacly like he did with her, maybe because I have to prove myself that I'm better, but in the other hand, I just want to cry and cannot control myself.

 

You don't need to answer this topic, I'm also considering never to come back here. I just needed to tell someone what I'm feeling, but I'm too embarrassed to tell it to my friends (I don't even think it's fair to my boyfriend to tell his personal things to my friends because they know each other) and I don't want to talk about it with him, because I get even more sad and he gets sad too just because I am. But I had to talk about this, to try to take it off of my head, because I don't want a stupid thing killing the special thing that we both have. Even with him telling me that he's sorry for making me suffer, I can't talk to him about it, it's not fair to make him feel guilty about something he did in the past.

 

Sorry about the long text.

[belli_danza]

Sometimes it's best not to know...I tried that with my guy, well not all the details, but about the # of girls he'd been with..... was pretty upset about it, but it's in the past and he's totally different now -devoted, kind, affectionate.... In your case, it was one time and he's not proud of it - don't let it consume you otherwise it'll cause a rift between the two of you.

[fnlyfrei]

Yes, maybe he should be less specific...like, yeah..I did THAT..but not tell you who with, the time of day or which year. I like the above poster...that is truth. We are not who we were in the past...and ten years from now, we will not be who we are now. That is the coolest part of being human...and alive...we learn, we change, we grow...hopefully reaching for better things. I am engaged too now...and if I thought that I was repeating the bad marriage I had for 19 years...I wouldn't do it. But I know I have chosen someone totally different than who I chose when I was 17....(I hadn't a clue) You have to stop that overthinking stuff. Live in the here and now. You cannot enjoy the moments you are living now if you worry about the past or the future. If you can do that, you will be happy...and at peace.

[scarew]

Don't leave!

 

I once had a relationship with a guy who had never had sex before. I felt dirty and wished that I had never been with the guys I had before him. Then I dated a guy who had had alot more sex than me, and I felt jealous. Then I realized that I am just being insecure!

 

I never found out what positions my husband had with his previous women, but I think its pretty much natural to assume that if you guys are having sex standing up, or doggy style, or 69ing, that you have both done it before. Just my opinion, but in a way, its kind of hot that my husband has had sexual experience. It makes it more special knowing how good I can make him feel, also that he picked me out of the bunch.

 

Think of the wonderful things you can offer your fiance. Things that his previous relationships obviously came up short in. This is why he is engaged to you sweetie. Try to focus on the positives here. Its as simple as self esteem.

[isisastaria]

I know it's hard to run out and buy a book when someone posts a title. This one is just SO worth it. THE POWER OF NOW BY ECKART TOLLE

 

In a nutshell:

 

Human suffering mostly comes from thinking about the horrible things of the past or worrying about the future. Can you just stop during your days and think, "What is this very moment lacking?"

 

Most of life is wonderful and NOTHING is wrong if we choose to see it and get out of the past or the future. How can you be SO in the NOW that you look at his face and just see his beauty now?

[jman41224]

I feel her pain..... i have this same problem, and i swear its one of the hardest problems i have ever had to deal with....

 

Time will heal all... i guess

 

Isis does have a great point