disasterous weekend with ex

[cherries]

it's been four months now since i split with my ex (he is 30, i am 27). we have the same social circle, so we have tried to develop a friendship, but i am still really struggling with the split.

 

this weekend i played a show and he appeared with a girl i have seen him flirting with.

she is 23, has a boyfriend, but friends have told me there is something more going on. i didn't know anything about this until i asked someone when she arrived.

 

i told him his timing was bad, and i think it was. i ended up in tears backstage and had to play a show with them watching, right in my line of sight. he could really have met her somewhere else, and i felt that it was a bit harsh to do that. afterwards he said i was being unfair, i said his timing was off, and since then we have seen each other but not spoken.

 

i know the real problem here is that i am not over it, but i'm finding it so hard.

 

i would like some tips on how to deal with seeing them in future. i feel i have the strength within me to 'rise above', but i can't seem to find it!

 

i tend to have big problems letting go of people (possibly because my brother, 13 years older than me, walked out on our family 11 years ago and i've never seen him since).

 

i generally feel quite depressed and am considering counselling - however, at the moment i feel too shaken to talk to a stranger about it.

[Siriana]

Well, yes, it's been pretty insensitive to come to your play with a girl who (if she is) is someone he wants to be with.

The fact she has a bf maybe really means they're friends at this moment.

Otherwise you have this scenario:

A girl who's in relationship going out with a guy who fancies her on a play of her ex girlfriend?!

After this sentence (if it's truth) I really think you didn't loose that much with the brake up...

 

Oh, and if you share the same group of friends thats bad. I don't know for how long you two have been dating before the brake up, but I am pretty shure there are some friends you consider your friends only. I certainly wouldn't force myself to see him because I want to see my friends. If they're your friends they'll understand. So I would invite a friend or two to the movies - not all group of friends. Of course I wouldn't say that's because you don't want to be near him. But it should be clear to them you want to stay friends but avoid him for a while.

 

And I forgot to add this: I would never tell him what I think about his move of bringing her to the play. Just to avoid the look of someone who is suffering. In case she's just a friend that makes you looking too jelous and in case she is really something more, than why bothering to explain that to him, it's not like he could get it in his insensitive mind.

[cherries]

thank you for the reply.

the show was actually a gig (concert), i was playing in a band..

 

The fact she has a bf maybe really means they're friends at this moment.

Otherwise you have this scenario:

A girl who's in relationship going out with a guy who fancies her on a play of her ex girlfriend?!

After this sentence (if it's truth) I really think you didn't loose that much with the brake up...

 

a friend of ours told me that my ex has been seeing this girl for drinks over the past month, and calling each other etc.

 

my ex probably claims there is nothing going on. but our friend seemed to think there was more to it. especially since she is "extremely flirty", and her boyfriend is currently out of town.

 

i'm sure that, right now, my ex thinks he has done nothing wrong. he will not realise i recognise this girl and have seen them flirting (i was DJing at a club, and saw them dancing and him touching her hair and stuff).

 

we were going out for a year, but lived together almost all of that time (it's a complicated story).

 

I would never tell him what I think about his move of bringing her to the play. Just to avoid the look of someone who is suffering. In case she's just a friend that makes you looking too jelous and in case she is really something more, than why bothering to explain that to him, it's not like he could get it in his insensitive mind.

 

you're right. he knows i'm upset, i think the mutual friend has told him. but i'll try not to enter into any more discussions about it.

to be honest i don't think he is going to speak to me again now anyway, as he probably sees me as being unreasonable.

 

i really need to rise above the situation and at least pretend not to care, even if i do. this is the part i really struggle with.

 

thanks for being supportive.

[lady00]

 

i know the real problem here is that i am not over it, but i'm finding it so hard.

 

 

The real problem here is that your ex is, in the words of Jennifer Aniston, "lacking a sensitivity chip," (or at least I think she said something like that). He is a grown man and he knew exactly what he was doing. Sad. It's manipulative and rude. I am glad you stood up for himself and told him his timing was bad. Hopefully he won't repeat this behavior in the future. If you hang out with a group normally maybe break out of it a bit or arrange a way for you to hang out with them at different times than when he's hanging out with them. Or perhaps arrange meetings to hang out in smaller groups, or one-on-one with your good friends.

[studbaker99]

On the other hand (just playing devils advocate):

 

it's been 4 months!!!! It isnt the same as being next week.

 

when you break up with someone, its always hard the first time you see them with someone else. Makes it even harder if you don't have anyone else in your life at the moment...