I'm just not happy, but separation is so scary...

[fiftylager]

I haven't been happy for so long. My hubby (common law)and I have been together for 9 years ( I am 29). I got pg 3 months into our relationship and have basically felt stuck since then. He's not really a bad husband but a very selfish one. He does what he wants when he wants to. Although, he does drink too much. Not quite an alcoholic but the makings of one.

 

I would leave but there are many complications. First off, I haven't worked in 9 years. I am completely dependent on him. We have 2 kids ages 6 and 8.

 

Three years ago we relocated 5 hours away. I did this for him hoping that he and I would be happier. He's always wanted to live in Northern Ontario and I thought if he was happy I'd be happier. I'm not happier but he is just living it up and is always off fishing or hunting, visiting friends, etc. I have talked to him about this but it is a moot point. He tells me he just has to be in the outdoors. He is like talking to a brick wall. I am very lonely and isolated here. This is a very small area with all his family around. I miss my family and worry if I leave that he will be able to stop me legally from moving back down south to my family. If I had to stay here I don't know how I'd do it. There are very little possibilities for employment and I have no family or friends up here.

 

 

Another biggie and please don't jump to conclusions that I am a bad person for this. I was diagnosed with bipolar. I am not a serious case. I don't have serious mania or delusions, etc. I am not a risk to myself or anyone else. Basically when I have an episode I am filled with intense fear and agitation. I also suffer from anxiety and mild depression. However since being on medication I am doing very well. I had one episode that only lasted a few days and wasn't very severe. I am a good mother and have always taken good care of my kids. My husband has never hesitated on taking off even when I'm at my worst mentally. But if I leave him I fear he will try to get custody of the kids due to my illness. This would be ridiculous because I have been the one who takes care of them and he has very little patience with them. He has said if we would ever split he wouldn't want to be a single dad but seperations can get ugly. He has said he would keep our son and I could have our daughter but that is out of the question to me. I could not be without my kids.

 

I also worry because we do have investments but they are all in his name. Our investor is his grandparents friend and I have told her repeatedly that they need to be in both our names. She just keeps putting it off. I also don't want to make hubby suspicious by constantly harping about this. If I leave he can take all that money and I'd have nothing. We don't own a house so there is nothing financially there for me. He makes very little money. It's fine up for up here but down south it's more expensive.

 

Most importantly I love my kids soooo much and hate to do this to them. My son is very attached to his dad and they do a lot of guy things together. It would break his heart. I think my daughter would be a little more resiliant about it. I don't want my son to hate me, or be very unhappy. I hate to see him have to go through a 5 hour drive every other weekend to see dad. Although hubby does have his parents down south and he could stay with them. I am so torn but soooo unhappy. Now that I am on medication I am feeling better mentally and it has opened my eyes as to how miserable I am in my relationship. I was so filled with anxiety and dread that I couldn't even think about it. Now that I am stable it's all that I think about.

 

Also I no longer trust my husband. Last summer he kissed my best friend and the only reason I found out is that her husband found out. I know he did have feelings for her and probably still does. He thinks I should just get over it but I can't. Even if I wasn't in love I had security that he wouldn't stray. That is over now. He is also very flirtatious with other women.

 

I love him but not in love. I don't want to even have a physical relationship with him. I really dread intimacy with him. Honestly I want to be free but don't know how to do it without all the complications and pain. I fear losing my kids, being broke, and hurting my kids. I'm just so lost.

 

Thank you all for reading and I am sorry it was sooo long. My family supports me in leaving him but I feel bad for unloading on them all the time.

 

Crystal

[Clementine orange]

 

I love him but not in love. I don't want to even have a physical relationship with him. I really dread intimacy with him. Honestly I want to be free but don't know how to do it without all the complications and pain. I fear losing my kids, being broke, and hurting my kids. I'm just so lost.

 

Thank you all for reading and I am sorry it was sooo long. My family supports me in leaving him but I feel bad for unloading on them all the time.

 

Crystal

 

You only have two choices: the status quo or leaving. Family support helps alot. I have found though that in relationships things tend to get worse in time.

There is no reason why you have to follow your "other" around just because he wants to live in the bush.

 

Sure it's scary - it's probably even more scary than you can anticipate right now, however, a loveless marriage and the lonlieness that comes with it is scary as well but it's the devil you know I guess....

[kermit]

You are protected by the Family Law Act of Ontario, provided you know what assets you have. At the very least you need to be sure what you are entitled to. You own 1/2 your home and 1/2 the assets that have been accumulated sine you moved in.

 

See lawyer before you do anything rash.

[rocio]

Take at least 2 steps:

 

1. Seek employment, and

2. See a lawyer.

 

If he's in charge of the money, you may have difficulty to see a lawyer without his knowledge at this point (depending on how much access you have to the family money without justifying it). So try to find some kind of part-time employment.

 

I have a greek friend whose father wasn't good to his mother. She never worked, and he simply ordered her around at home. He couldn't even get up and pour himself a cup of coffee. She was like his personal servant. He always told her that was her responsibility because he made the money. Well, at the age of 60, she became fed up and started working for the first time in her life! She now has her own income, a brand new car of her own, and is much happier in general. Imagine how scary it is to start working at the age of 60 when you've never in your life worked outside of home! I love her for it. She's a fabulous woman and I have all kinds of respect for her.

 

She does home care - taking care of elderly and handicapped persons in their home. You might be able to find something similar. Cleaning jobs are also generally not too hard to find, and pay at least $15 per hour. Anyway, look around and see if you can find something. It will give you the confidence and the $$$ to eventually venture out on your own. (and to visit a lawyer).

 

you deserve to be happy.