going slightly crazy!

[eskimomo]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm really happy to have found this forum. I know this is kind of a long-winded story but I'd love to connect with anyone else out there who can offer advice or support or anything.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago. We were together for a year. He's Swedish, I'm English, we met when we were both working abroad. Despite being well into our 20s, neither of us had had a proper, serious relationship before. We fell in love really quickly. Six months into the relationship I'd moved to his country and we were living together.

 

The first couple of months were lovely, but I really struggled to find a job and make friends. We were living off my boyfriend's not-very-high income, in his tiny one-room apartment, and during the days when he was at work I'd sit at home trying to do freelance work and feeling lonely, bored and isolated. In retrospect I think I was depressed. I was thinking about dying all the time. I had nothing to call my own apart from him. From being the independent, willful person he'd fallen in love with, I became almost like a little girl. We felt completely, unhealthily wrapped up in each other.

 

In the end he said he needed a break and I came back to the UK. We kept in touch, he was still very affectionate, but seemed really confused about what he wanted to happen. Three weeks ago, I went back to Stockholm for a job interview, and we ended up breaking up over the weekend. I never even got to the interview!

 

The day after we broke up, we had an incredibly special, loving day together and he told me all sorts of lovely things, still maintaining that we needed to be apart and become separate people again. I got back to London and that evening received a beautiful text message from him saying how he loved me so much and I was the most important person in his life, but he still thought the break up was the right thing to do. I thought, "He'll come crying to me within a week, asking me to come back".

 

Funnily enough, he didn't. Two weeks passed, and I stupidly ended up calling him when I was upset, and we had a really difficult conversation. He said he was feeling like he'd made the right decision to break up. He was insistent that this is "a break-up, not a break" and furious that I was upset and tearful.

 

I haven't spoken to him since. I miss him terribly, I love him, and I think we could work things out. I understand the reasons he had to do this, but I never stopped loving him and I never once felt anything but love from him. We still find each other really attractive. All I want is a chance to fix things, to grow together, to try new alternatives. But now I'm in London, he's in Stockholm, and I can't even call him. What can I do? DO people get back together, or is this just an insane dream? I'm so unhappy. Any wise words gratefully received.

 

Thanks!

[in_love]

Dude, the reality is people GET BACK TOGETHER every hour of every day (probably more) and the reality is if you guys sort the problems out it will work...! Take time now for yourself, you go back into it like this it WONT work!!! See it as a positive move, the break-up that is.

 

Obviously this is case of "boredom" and "routine". It seems he genuinely loved you but felt something just wasn't right. A little time apart and let the cloud of boredom lift... don't wait around but don't give up either. Try to be happy and focus on why you fell into this depression, try to make a life for yourself and when he contacts you just be yourself, no games, no toying and let him come to his sense gradually.

 

I am going through a similar thing. I too fell into a depression, I lost all my mates and her mates became mine, I too had no life "down there" so yeah it happens but what we had was a good, trusting and honest relationship and we both loved each other dearly. That is the important factor I believe which will eventually become apparent to him (and my ex) over some time apart.

 

you cannot ignore something which was good for too long just because boredom and routine set in... it happens to us all in all relationships.

 

Just stop trying, no more emotions, just get on with your life and try to force yourself to believe it will never be again... BUT be happy and accept it! hard I know, I am doing this and its like "we will be" fighting with "we wont be".

 

But if you expect the worst and hope for the best then at least if the worst does happen it wont be that bad in the end.

 

p.s. I have been on his end too... I was actually convinced I didn't love her!!! In fact I loved her more than I realized and when it hit me I would have swam through shark infested waters to get back to her. I actually flew 7000 miles to get back to her!

 

Just relax, if he loved you for real it will still be there he is just clouded and suffocated. Get yourself out of the depression, start feeling happy with yourself and become used to being YOU again.

 

In our cases, "moving on" is the best way for us to get our s**t together and THEM to realize a few things.

[eskimomo]

thanks SO MUCH for this reply. I think when you've been really loved and admired and kind of 'held' by your ex, it's really hard to accept that those feelings aren't there for them any more, at least not right now. And also I suppose I need to trust that whatever happens will be for the best - if he doesnt come back to me, its because he really doesnt love and need me in the way I thought he did. The crap thing about nice, loving break ups with nice, loving people is that you can't get by on anger. Feeling angry can really drive you through some of the bad times, it's a weird form of energy. But on the other hand I suppose 'nice' break ups leave us with the ability to think "well, I was really loved at one point, and I'll have that forever regardless of what happens". I am trying to get on with stuff. I'm looking for a job and working on my book (one of the things he said to me when we were breaking up was "I'm so sad I won't be with you when you finish your book"). I want him to be proud of me again. I also want me to be proud of me again.

 

I've been talking to his mum online a lot... does this constitute breaking NC? She's been really sweet and helpful and I think she also hopes we'll get back together.

 

The worst thing is mornings. I dream of him every night, and I wake up, and I remember everything all over again. So I start every day in tears. Does anyone have any practical advice about how to avoid this morning sadness?

[catren]

I hear youu. I'm in a similar situation. Mornings for me are terrible. When I wake up, I feel alone and empty.

 

My ex still says that he loves me and he was never happier than when he was with me but doesn't believe that we can be happy together permanently because of other variables. But, to me, nothing's more impt. than love. I just think there's a bunch ofcommittment phobic people out there who go around screwing up other people's lives.

 

Take care of yourself girl. Screw him!

 

Catren